Post by Shawn Warstein on Jan 26, 2021 0:03:42 GMT -6
"Well here they come."
Jackson nods towards the driveway of the apartment complex as a car pulls up. Noah and I step out and quickly cover ourselves from the blistering Buffalo cold. I adjust the deerstalker hat on my head, as Noah slams his door shut. Jackson rolls his eyes as James walks right up to us and shakes our hands. We begin walking towards the door.
"Thanks for coming out on such short notice."
"What are we looking at?" I asked as James opened the door and we began to head upstairs.
"We have a late twenties to mid thirties male, missing without a trace." James places the key into the door to unlock it.
"Why’d she call you and not the authorities?" I asked as I walked into the one bedroom apartment.
"She’s a friend." He said while holding the door open for Noah and Jackson. "She did go to the cops first, and they said it wasn’t a big deal and that she was being over protective."
"Interesting." I said while glancing around the room.
"What is?" Jackson said while looking around as well.
"Nothing." I said while turning towards him and holding my arm out to the apartment. "This is a standard apartment. White walls. No familial pictures. Nothing seemingly out of place."
"And you find this interesting? James I thought you said he was good at this?" Clearly upset Jackson walks towards the kitchen. "You said one look….." Before he could finish I interrupted.
"The man who lives here clearly is a virgin." Noah and Jackson both stop and turn their attention towards me.
"Say what cunt?"
"Yeah how do you figure?"
"It’s simple deduction." I stated while walking deeper into the living room. "As I said there are no pictures, not even of himself. Even the most vain of people have at least one picture. Nothing is out of place, telling us that it’s just him here more often than not. And do you smell that?" I waft my hand in front of my nose as the others try to attempt to smell what I’m talking about. "That smell of urine…"
"So. If it’s yellow let it mellow…."
"No Noah… this is stronger than just some conservation bullshit. I’m willing to bet behind that door we will find more information to go along with my theory."
Raven takes the lead as the rest of us follow behind him. Slowly he turns the knob and swings the door open. We are all hit with the overwhelming smell of urine and stale body odor. Jackson begins to gag as the rest of us take slow steps into the room.
"How can someone live like this?" Raven said while covering his nose and mouth.
"Over time people can become nose-deaf. They can’t smell their own odors because it becomes natural to them." Noah said while pulling out a mask and throwing it on his face.
"He’s right. Over time the stench of failure and loneliness becomes second nature to the virgin. They can’t smell their own desperation." I pull out an expandable baton and begin rummaging through some things, while Noah and Raven glove up to do the same. All of us are covering our faces but trying to look for clues in the room that is overflowing with garbage and looks as if it has never been cleaned.
"Look at this." I said while flipping over a few shirts on the floor to reveal a anime body pillow. "As if Jackson needed any more proof. Look at this thing. It looks like someone went to town on it…. he even cut some very inappropriate holes." The baton goes right into one of the holes as I furiously try to free it from the pillow.
"Well I think I found the source of the smell…" Noah said while opening up the closet door. Inside were hundreds of Mountain Dew bottles filled to the brim with a yellowish liquid.
"Good find Cuntson." Noah beams as I walk over.
"Given its location in proximity to the computer we can all deduce that he has several, if not all his characters on World of Warcraft maxed out, possibly several other MMORPG’s. Leading us to further conclude…." I point towards Jackson who is finally done gagging and leaning on the door jam.
"He’s a virgin." Jackson responds.
"Impossibly So."
"Still none of this tells us where he is." Jackson said with a smug confidence.
"Well I think I’ve got something." Raven said, producing a slip of paper from the nightstand that is adorned with more bottles filled with a dubious liquid. "This might answer everything."
I grab the paper from Raven and look it over, then hand it to Noah who nods in agreement.
"Well?" Jackson said while clearly frustrated.
"Here." Noah hands him the piece of paper as we all walk out of the bedroom.
"We are off to the Buffalo Anime and Cosplay Convention sponsored by OnlyFans. Or the BACCOF. It looks like our virgin bought himself some tickets under a pseudonym of Mike Zybala."
"Pseudonym…. right." James said while opening the door. We all walk out to James’ car and get inside. Soon we were off to the Buffalo Convention center…. Or so we thought.
Buffalo Convention Center AKA Buffalo VFW
The four of us pour out of the car in front of what seems to be a VFW hall. We all look at each other and shrug™. (That one is a freebie)
"This can’t be the place?" Jackson said while double checking the address.
"No it is." Noah said while pointing towards a group of people all cosplaying as their favorite characters. "This place is packed to the brim with virgins."
"Which brings me to my next point." I slap Jackson on the shoulder. "Don’t act like you didn’t know this was happening today either."
"Fuck you." Jackson said while knocking my hand off of his shoulder.
"Well shall we get started?" Raven begins to walk towards the doors as Noah and Jackson follow behind.
"Yeah. You guys go ahead. I’m going to call Atty real quick and give her an update." They all roll their eyes and Jackson pantomimes a whip. I flip him off and pull out my phone. I watch as they walk into the basically what is Virgin Thunderdome, and put my phone away.
"This is what I’ve been reduced to… making fun of you in such a juvenile way that even I admit is in low taste. It’s so far beneath me it’s nestled right next to you Mikey."
"Just think about this. It’s all your fault. Congratulations you stopped me from winning the Righteous Rumble, but you didn’t stop Legacy from doing it. That’s how far ahead you think. You’ve got a one track mind, and it’s led you to your slaughter."
"You stuck your nose in my business one too many times for me to allow that to continue. Zybala I thought you and I were… well not friends…. but acquaintances. People who didn’t bother one another. People who said hello in passing, without digging too much into the personal stuff. Hell I even showed up to your pitiful backyard off brand show as a favor to you."
"Sure it was to keep a watchful eye on the place, but I did enjoy my limited time there. I really enjoyed the lemonade and cookies your mom had ready for everyone. It’s sad that I’m going to have to disembowel you in the middle of the ring, in front of your mom."
"She’s a nice lady."
"Yet even you have to agree that at a certain point enough is enough. You have had your fun at my expense, now it’s time for my fun."
"This is no longer business. Hell it’s not even personal. You are just an annoyance that needs to be squashed. Much like a housefly that only has twenty four hours to live, your time is ticking. You see the thing with houseflies is that they have to breed. It’s like their one main goal in their short lives. You my friend are slowly approaching your expiration date."
"Your milk is soured. It’s beginning to curdle and above all else it’s been forgotten about in the back of the fridge."
"For everything you think you’ve done to me, it wasn’t enough. For all the times you thought you got one over on me, it didn’t work. I’ve wanted this match for longer than you can imagine."
"Not because I think it’s going to be an evenly contested match. Or that it will even be close. No, I wanted it for two reasons."
"Firstly to shut you up, get you off of my back and back to the backyards where you belong. And secondly I always wondered what it would be like for the world to watch a public execution. Does that make me a bad guy?"
"No. I’m not a bad guy. I’m a high functioning sociopath. And soon you’ll find out what it’s like to fight someone without a conscience. Without a care. Without feelings."
"Mikey… be glad Buffalo lost. This way you won’t miss their shot at a Super Bowl. Maybe next year they’ll do it in your memory."
"Then again, probably not. You are so very easily forgettable."
No sooner than I finish that statement and loud ruckus is heard by the door way. A man who looks like he could be a Mike Zybala impersonator comes barreling out through the crowd of people. Following behind him are Raven, Noah and Jackson.
The man and I lock eyes, and in an instant he takes off down the alley. In shock I begin running after him, as he reaches the end of the alley and he’s cornered. He curls up into the fetal position.
"We found you." I said while reaching down to help him up. "Time to take you back to your mom so you can explain to her what an OnlyFan is."
The man swipes my hand away and continues to cower in fear. His only defense is pissing down his only leg in an attempt to get myself to back away.
"Be afraid. Use all the defenses you want. I’m going to send you back to your mom." I said with a little more gusto.
The man leaps up to his feet and attempts to throw a punch towards me, that’s when all of my Legacy Dojo training kicks in and the world begins to slow down. In my head I plot out my defense.
"Do not swing first, defense wins championships, unless you’re the Bills. First block the haymaker." I easily block the pitiful attempt.
"Next, duck under follow up from his weak arm." Ducking down as his arm flies over me.
"Crack ribs four, five and six." A quick jab causes him to hunch over.
"Leg sweep behind kneecaps." With the quickness of a cat he is on the ground.
"Finally hammer fist to the face to knock out competition." With the resounding thud the man goes lifeless.
Yet before the man could even strike, Noah came out of nowhere and smashed a baseball bat to the side of his head. He falls in a crumpled mess as Noah gives me a thumbs up.
"Dammit Noah…. you ruined the cinematic choreography." I fling my arms to the side.
"What? It looked like you were stroking out again, and I wasn’t about to let this wanker get a shot in on you."
"Thanks Noah, but he wasn’t even going to get the opportunity."
Noah and I walk back down the alley where Raven and Jackson are standing.
"You guys didn’t kill him did you?" Raven asks while watching the body for any signs of movement.
"Nah cunt. Just a quick swing from Noah Cuntson and he’s out like a baby." Noah proudly brandishes the bat and slings it over his shoulder.
"Yeah James, no worries. He will be awake by the time you two drop him off at his mom’s house. Easy." I said while continuing to walk past them towards the car.
"You sure it’s that easy?" Jackson said with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
"Yeah." Turning around I give them a quick smile. "It’s so easy in fact… it’s Elementary actually."
Fade to Black.
Jackson nods towards the driveway of the apartment complex as a car pulls up. Noah and I step out and quickly cover ourselves from the blistering Buffalo cold. I adjust the deerstalker hat on my head, as Noah slams his door shut. Jackson rolls his eyes as James walks right up to us and shakes our hands. We begin walking towards the door.
"Thanks for coming out on such short notice."
"What are we looking at?" I asked as James opened the door and we began to head upstairs.
"We have a late twenties to mid thirties male, missing without a trace." James places the key into the door to unlock it.
"Why’d she call you and not the authorities?" I asked as I walked into the one bedroom apartment.
"She’s a friend." He said while holding the door open for Noah and Jackson. "She did go to the cops first, and they said it wasn’t a big deal and that she was being over protective."
"Interesting." I said while glancing around the room.
"What is?" Jackson said while looking around as well.
"Nothing." I said while turning towards him and holding my arm out to the apartment. "This is a standard apartment. White walls. No familial pictures. Nothing seemingly out of place."
"And you find this interesting? James I thought you said he was good at this?" Clearly upset Jackson walks towards the kitchen. "You said one look….." Before he could finish I interrupted.
"The man who lives here clearly is a virgin." Noah and Jackson both stop and turn their attention towards me.
"Say what cunt?"
"Yeah how do you figure?"
"It’s simple deduction." I stated while walking deeper into the living room. "As I said there are no pictures, not even of himself. Even the most vain of people have at least one picture. Nothing is out of place, telling us that it’s just him here more often than not. And do you smell that?" I waft my hand in front of my nose as the others try to attempt to smell what I’m talking about. "That smell of urine…"
"So. If it’s yellow let it mellow…."
"No Noah… this is stronger than just some conservation bullshit. I’m willing to bet behind that door we will find more information to go along with my theory."
Raven takes the lead as the rest of us follow behind him. Slowly he turns the knob and swings the door open. We are all hit with the overwhelming smell of urine and stale body odor. Jackson begins to gag as the rest of us take slow steps into the room.
"How can someone live like this?" Raven said while covering his nose and mouth.
"Over time people can become nose-deaf. They can’t smell their own odors because it becomes natural to them." Noah said while pulling out a mask and throwing it on his face.
"He’s right. Over time the stench of failure and loneliness becomes second nature to the virgin. They can’t smell their own desperation." I pull out an expandable baton and begin rummaging through some things, while Noah and Raven glove up to do the same. All of us are covering our faces but trying to look for clues in the room that is overflowing with garbage and looks as if it has never been cleaned.
"Look at this." I said while flipping over a few shirts on the floor to reveal a anime body pillow. "As if Jackson needed any more proof. Look at this thing. It looks like someone went to town on it…. he even cut some very inappropriate holes." The baton goes right into one of the holes as I furiously try to free it from the pillow.
"Well I think I found the source of the smell…" Noah said while opening up the closet door. Inside were hundreds of Mountain Dew bottles filled to the brim with a yellowish liquid.
"Good find Cuntson." Noah beams as I walk over.
"Given its location in proximity to the computer we can all deduce that he has several, if not all his characters on World of Warcraft maxed out, possibly several other MMORPG’s. Leading us to further conclude…." I point towards Jackson who is finally done gagging and leaning on the door jam.
"He’s a virgin." Jackson responds.
"Impossibly So."
"Still none of this tells us where he is." Jackson said with a smug confidence.
"Well I think I’ve got something." Raven said, producing a slip of paper from the nightstand that is adorned with more bottles filled with a dubious liquid. "This might answer everything."
I grab the paper from Raven and look it over, then hand it to Noah who nods in agreement.
"Well?" Jackson said while clearly frustrated.
"Here." Noah hands him the piece of paper as we all walk out of the bedroom.
"We are off to the Buffalo Anime and Cosplay Convention sponsored by OnlyFans. Or the BACCOF. It looks like our virgin bought himself some tickets under a pseudonym of Mike Zybala."
"Pseudonym…. right." James said while opening the door. We all walk out to James’ car and get inside. Soon we were off to the Buffalo Convention center…. Or so we thought.
Buffalo Convention Center AKA Buffalo VFW
The four of us pour out of the car in front of what seems to be a VFW hall. We all look at each other and shrug™. (That one is a freebie)
"This can’t be the place?" Jackson said while double checking the address.
"No it is." Noah said while pointing towards a group of people all cosplaying as their favorite characters. "This place is packed to the brim with virgins."
"Which brings me to my next point." I slap Jackson on the shoulder. "Don’t act like you didn’t know this was happening today either."
"Fuck you." Jackson said while knocking my hand off of his shoulder.
"Well shall we get started?" Raven begins to walk towards the doors as Noah and Jackson follow behind.
"Yeah. You guys go ahead. I’m going to call Atty real quick and give her an update." They all roll their eyes and Jackson pantomimes a whip. I flip him off and pull out my phone. I watch as they walk into the basically what is Virgin Thunderdome, and put my phone away.
"This is what I’ve been reduced to… making fun of you in such a juvenile way that even I admit is in low taste. It’s so far beneath me it’s nestled right next to you Mikey."
"Just think about this. It’s all your fault. Congratulations you stopped me from winning the Righteous Rumble, but you didn’t stop Legacy from doing it. That’s how far ahead you think. You’ve got a one track mind, and it’s led you to your slaughter."
"You stuck your nose in my business one too many times for me to allow that to continue. Zybala I thought you and I were… well not friends…. but acquaintances. People who didn’t bother one another. People who said hello in passing, without digging too much into the personal stuff. Hell I even showed up to your pitiful backyard off brand show as a favor to you."
"Sure it was to keep a watchful eye on the place, but I did enjoy my limited time there. I really enjoyed the lemonade and cookies your mom had ready for everyone. It’s sad that I’m going to have to disembowel you in the middle of the ring, in front of your mom."
"She’s a nice lady."
"Yet even you have to agree that at a certain point enough is enough. You have had your fun at my expense, now it’s time for my fun."
"This is no longer business. Hell it’s not even personal. You are just an annoyance that needs to be squashed. Much like a housefly that only has twenty four hours to live, your time is ticking. You see the thing with houseflies is that they have to breed. It’s like their one main goal in their short lives. You my friend are slowly approaching your expiration date."
"Your milk is soured. It’s beginning to curdle and above all else it’s been forgotten about in the back of the fridge."
"For everything you think you’ve done to me, it wasn’t enough. For all the times you thought you got one over on me, it didn’t work. I’ve wanted this match for longer than you can imagine."
"Not because I think it’s going to be an evenly contested match. Or that it will even be close. No, I wanted it for two reasons."
"Firstly to shut you up, get you off of my back and back to the backyards where you belong. And secondly I always wondered what it would be like for the world to watch a public execution. Does that make me a bad guy?"
"No. I’m not a bad guy. I’m a high functioning sociopath. And soon you’ll find out what it’s like to fight someone without a conscience. Without a care. Without feelings."
"Mikey… be glad Buffalo lost. This way you won’t miss their shot at a Super Bowl. Maybe next year they’ll do it in your memory."
"Then again, probably not. You are so very easily forgettable."
No sooner than I finish that statement and loud ruckus is heard by the door way. A man who looks like he could be a Mike Zybala impersonator comes barreling out through the crowd of people. Following behind him are Raven, Noah and Jackson.
The man and I lock eyes, and in an instant he takes off down the alley. In shock I begin running after him, as he reaches the end of the alley and he’s cornered. He curls up into the fetal position.
"We found you." I said while reaching down to help him up. "Time to take you back to your mom so you can explain to her what an OnlyFan is."
The man swipes my hand away and continues to cower in fear. His only defense is pissing down his only leg in an attempt to get myself to back away.
"Be afraid. Use all the defenses you want. I’m going to send you back to your mom." I said with a little more gusto.
The man leaps up to his feet and attempts to throw a punch towards me, that’s when all of my Legacy Dojo training kicks in and the world begins to slow down. In my head I plot out my defense.
"Do not swing first, defense wins championships, unless you’re the Bills. First block the haymaker." I easily block the pitiful attempt.
"Next, duck under follow up from his weak arm." Ducking down as his arm flies over me.
"Crack ribs four, five and six." A quick jab causes him to hunch over.
"Leg sweep behind kneecaps." With the quickness of a cat he is on the ground.
"Finally hammer fist to the face to knock out competition." With the resounding thud the man goes lifeless.
Yet before the man could even strike, Noah came out of nowhere and smashed a baseball bat to the side of his head. He falls in a crumpled mess as Noah gives me a thumbs up.
"Dammit Noah…. you ruined the cinematic choreography." I fling my arms to the side.
"What? It looked like you were stroking out again, and I wasn’t about to let this wanker get a shot in on you."
"Thanks Noah, but he wasn’t even going to get the opportunity."
Noah and I walk back down the alley where Raven and Jackson are standing.
"You guys didn’t kill him did you?" Raven asks while watching the body for any signs of movement.
"Nah cunt. Just a quick swing from Noah Cuntson and he’s out like a baby." Noah proudly brandishes the bat and slings it over his shoulder.
"Yeah James, no worries. He will be awake by the time you two drop him off at his mom’s house. Easy." I said while continuing to walk past them towards the car.
"You sure it’s that easy?" Jackson said with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
"Yeah." Turning around I give them a quick smile. "It’s so easy in fact… it’s Elementary actually."
Fade to Black.
