Post by Crash Rodriguez on Jan 27, 2021 0:37:43 GMT -6
January 26th 2021
8:10 AM
We open to a close-up on Crash Rodriguez's face as he walks through the parking lot of a department store. As the camera zooms out we see Crash is walking a cow, his hand gripping the makeshift rope leash.
"Damn Daniel, I'm telling you, I just can't wait to show you everything. I mean there's Dairy Queen, Burger King, the dead body by the creek deep in the woods, Laser Tag, hell we can even go see Lou."
The cow moos as she slows to a halt.
"Daniel, you son of a bitch, we don't have time for this."
"Mooooo!"
"No, fuck you, I already offered to take you to Ikea, and you said no."
"MooooOooo"
"No, sorry DanDan but we got a busy schedule. You see, papa has to go and hurt some people soon."
"Mooo"
Crash chuckles and smiles, wiping a tear from his eye before continuing his conversation with the cow.
"Oh Daniel. I know you're worried for dada, but it'll be ok. Those washed up old-timers are more likely to keel over and die before they'd get the better of The Super Best Wrestler, Crash Rodriguez."
Crash stands smiling wide, obviously proud of himself, as the cow continues to look forward with their dead empty eyes.
11:16 AM
Crash and Daniel the Cow are strutting through another parking lot, as they reach the building Crash opens the door into the lobby and gestures to the Cow to head on in. Daniel instead stands still as a statue.
"Bro. Seriously, get inside."
"MooooOoo"
"Daniel, we are already almost 20 minutes late. Please, work with me dude."
"Moooo"
Crash stands staring impatiently as the lady behind the front desk shrieks and runs to the back office.
"Daniel. You're acting like a primadonna. We have no time for that. Bifford probably waist high in human chicken right now. And EW Montgomery is probably planning his next retirement match."
"MooOOoo"
"Crash, What the absolute fuck?"
Crash and Daniel look up at Lou Pohl, attorney at law, as he comes hollering out of his office and through the lobby.
"First off, you're late. And on top of that you show up with this fucking dairy factory scaring poor Liz to death."
Lou's assistant Liz, which Crash assumes is short for Lizard, peaks around the door frame.
"But… they're just a cow"
"I'm talking about you Crash. You are covered in dirt and blood and smell like a corpse. What the fuck happened to you?"
"Well, Daniel and I went and saw that dead body I was talking about earlier."
"Daniel?"
"Yeah man, that's his name."
"His name? Crash. You realize cows are always female right? Bulls are the boys."
"This is 2021, Lou. Can't be going around assuming genders, man. Hella fucked up and super not PC."
Lou sighs defeated and starts to help Crash get the cow into the building. As they yell and push Daniel, the song 'We are Going to Be Friends' by The White Stripes plays.
11:52 AM
Lou sits behind his desk exhausted and panting as he tries to recollect his breath. Crash sits staring deadpan at his attorney while petting Daniel.
"Why is this cow here, Mr Rodriguez?"
"Well, I can't really leave him at home."
"Okay… Better question. Why do you have a cow to begin with?"
Crash jumps up excitedly and punches Lou's desk leaving a small hole.
"Proof! Daniel is proof!"
"Proof as to what?"
"That I don't need your little schemes to win. You give me that briefcase with a surefire win. Nah. I can get my own certified wins."
Lou stares at Crash, absolutely confused as to how any of this connects in the slightest.
"Mr. Rodriguez, I don't see how Daniel the sexually progressive male cow proves you can guarantee a win. Especially in a triple threat match against two very capable guys. I mean, I've heard one is out feeding people recycled corpses, and I am telling you, I wish I was that kind of legal help. I mean seriously, what can you possibly tell a judge to ge-"
Lou continues to rant and moan about the legal system all the while pacing the room as Crash pets Daniel.
1:17 PM
"I mean, Jesus, Crash, just getting you off scott free after the karate incident was a goddamn miracle. Seriously, it was-"
Crash jumps out of his seat and grabs Mr. Pohl by his shirt collar and begins screaming.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DON'T CARE ABOUT LAWS! DANIEL IS FUCKING BORED! SIT THE FUCK DOWN, I PAY YOU TO LISTEN YOU CHEAP SUIT WEARING SLIME NUGGET!"
Crash pushes Lou down to his seat. He stays seated, staring in horror at the former Crooked Man. Crash smiles and starts speaking rather light-hearted.
"Look. You've bored me to no end that honestly. I forgot how the cow was gonna help me win. I guess maybe I'll use his bell. Just wack Biffy over the head with it. Maybe I'll ride him to the ring. Who cares? I'm Crash Rodriguez. I'll fucking find a way. I always do. I'm the absolute most dangerous thing in that ring."
"Mooo"
"See even Daniel understands."
"Moooooooo"
"I know you said coming here was a bad idea."
"Hold on. Have you been talking to this cow?"
"His name is Daniel. Jesus Fuck Louie!"
Lou Pohl faceplants the table in exasperation.
4:23 PM
Lou, Crash and Daniel are standing out in a parking lot. Lou is sweating through his cheap suit, the perspiration adds 10 pounds. Crash is seen smiling like a child who just got handed the keys to a candy factory. Daniela looks around like a cow would.
"Man, isn't Daniel great at being a cow?"
"Most cows are good at being cows."
"Mooo"
"Yeah Lou, Daniel's right, shut the fuck up."
Lou throws his hands up in the air defeated. Every ticking minute of this day furthers discredits his clients sanity. He looks around, beady eyes looking for an answer as to how his life has gotten here.
"Will you stop with this cow business? It's fucking done. I'm sick of hearing about this fucking cow! You realize you have a match soon? A very big important match that could launch your career to the exact place you've been claiming to stand? Crash. My friend. Please understand, you need to start focusing on the task at hand. The Big Bifford. E.W. Montgomery. These are important names. Decorated veterans of your sport. You constantly say you're the best, yet consistently look like a goddamn fool. STOP FUCKING AROUND, AND TRY AND TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?"
Seconds pass as the GCWA star stares at his lawyer. The words seem to finally be setting into his head. Lou's right, this is his chance. Crash just wishes Lou would understand why Daniel is the key to success.
"Moooo."
"AND SHUT THE FUCK UP DANIEL!"
"HEY! Watch your tone, you piss stained weasel. You do NOT speak to him like that. You have some fucking respect, we're suppose to be a god damn team."
Lou Pohl stands before Crash both flabbergasted and terrified. He shakes away the confusion and the nerves, before laying down his ultimatum.
"Crash. This isn't a team. Look, I'm sorry. But you have to choose. Your longtime support system, or some cow? Me… or Daniel?"
11:34 PM
Crash is seen on a rooftop with Daniel. Lord knows how the two of them got up there. Crash sits on the edge of the roof as he reaches back scratching under the cows neck.
"Oh. I love you Daniel."
"Mooo"
"Daniel…"
Crash begins speaking obviously taken aback by whatever his twisted head had translated.
"Bifford and Monty aren't that scary. I mean realistically Bifford scares his own henchmen more than anybody that steps foot into that ring. I mean, once upon a time, sure I was a fan."
Crash pulls a gogurt out of his jacket pocket and begins to suck up all the yogurty goodness.
"But I mean, hell, he didn't even win last week. He's lost his shine. He's overplayed and honestly it would probably be for the best if he just took a backstage role. As for E.W., I'll be honest, I haven't heard of him until I saw his name next to mine."
"Mooo"
"I know, I usually choke at these kinds of matches. I mean it's a huge opportunity, GCWA's Golden Ticket. I'd be lying if I said I was nervous in the slightest, DanDan, but with you by my side. I truly feel like I've found a family. I've found a friend. Together, I don't believe there's a single obstacle I can't overcome."
Daniel begins to step away from the edge, while Crash lays back and looks into the night sky. He begins to see all the shots he had missed at his last run with the Texan company.
"You're so much cooler than Jace. Easily a better tag partner too"
"Moo"
"No, I liked Mr Savage a lot. Good guy, but me and him never clicked like we have."
"Mooo"
"Haha, you're funny Daniel."
8:10 AM
We open to a close-up on Crash Rodriguez's face as he walks through the parking lot of a department store. As the camera zooms out we see Crash is walking a cow, his hand gripping the makeshift rope leash.
"Damn Daniel, I'm telling you, I just can't wait to show you everything. I mean there's Dairy Queen, Burger King, the dead body by the creek deep in the woods, Laser Tag, hell we can even go see Lou."
The cow moos as she slows to a halt.
"Daniel, you son of a bitch, we don't have time for this."
"Mooooo!"
"No, fuck you, I already offered to take you to Ikea, and you said no."
"MooooOooo"
"No, sorry DanDan but we got a busy schedule. You see, papa has to go and hurt some people soon."
"Mooo"
Crash chuckles and smiles, wiping a tear from his eye before continuing his conversation with the cow.
"Oh Daniel. I know you're worried for dada, but it'll be ok. Those washed up old-timers are more likely to keel over and die before they'd get the better of The Super Best Wrestler, Crash Rodriguez."
Crash stands smiling wide, obviously proud of himself, as the cow continues to look forward with their dead empty eyes.
11:16 AM
Crash and Daniel the Cow are strutting through another parking lot, as they reach the building Crash opens the door into the lobby and gestures to the Cow to head on in. Daniel instead stands still as a statue.
"Bro. Seriously, get inside."
"MooooOoo"
"Daniel, we are already almost 20 minutes late. Please, work with me dude."
"Moooo"
Crash stands staring impatiently as the lady behind the front desk shrieks and runs to the back office.
"Daniel. You're acting like a primadonna. We have no time for that. Bifford probably waist high in human chicken right now. And EW Montgomery is probably planning his next retirement match."
"MooOOoo"
"Crash, What the absolute fuck?"
Crash and Daniel look up at Lou Pohl, attorney at law, as he comes hollering out of his office and through the lobby.
"First off, you're late. And on top of that you show up with this fucking dairy factory scaring poor Liz to death."
Lou's assistant Liz, which Crash assumes is short for Lizard, peaks around the door frame.
"But… they're just a cow"
"I'm talking about you Crash. You are covered in dirt and blood and smell like a corpse. What the fuck happened to you?"
"Well, Daniel and I went and saw that dead body I was talking about earlier."
"Daniel?"
"Yeah man, that's his name."
"His name? Crash. You realize cows are always female right? Bulls are the boys."
"This is 2021, Lou. Can't be going around assuming genders, man. Hella fucked up and super not PC."
Lou sighs defeated and starts to help Crash get the cow into the building. As they yell and push Daniel, the song 'We are Going to Be Friends' by The White Stripes plays.
11:52 AM
Lou sits behind his desk exhausted and panting as he tries to recollect his breath. Crash sits staring deadpan at his attorney while petting Daniel.
"Why is this cow here, Mr Rodriguez?"
"Well, I can't really leave him at home."
"Okay… Better question. Why do you have a cow to begin with?"
Crash jumps up excitedly and punches Lou's desk leaving a small hole.
"Proof! Daniel is proof!"
"Proof as to what?"
"That I don't need your little schemes to win. You give me that briefcase with a surefire win. Nah. I can get my own certified wins."
Lou stares at Crash, absolutely confused as to how any of this connects in the slightest.
"Mr. Rodriguez, I don't see how Daniel the sexually progressive male cow proves you can guarantee a win. Especially in a triple threat match against two very capable guys. I mean, I've heard one is out feeding people recycled corpses, and I am telling you, I wish I was that kind of legal help. I mean seriously, what can you possibly tell a judge to ge-"
Lou continues to rant and moan about the legal system all the while pacing the room as Crash pets Daniel.
1:17 PM
"I mean, Jesus, Crash, just getting you off scott free after the karate incident was a goddamn miracle. Seriously, it was-"
Crash jumps out of his seat and grabs Mr. Pohl by his shirt collar and begins screaming.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DON'T CARE ABOUT LAWS! DANIEL IS FUCKING BORED! SIT THE FUCK DOWN, I PAY YOU TO LISTEN YOU CHEAP SUIT WEARING SLIME NUGGET!"
Crash pushes Lou down to his seat. He stays seated, staring in horror at the former Crooked Man. Crash smiles and starts speaking rather light-hearted.
"Look. You've bored me to no end that honestly. I forgot how the cow was gonna help me win. I guess maybe I'll use his bell. Just wack Biffy over the head with it. Maybe I'll ride him to the ring. Who cares? I'm Crash Rodriguez. I'll fucking find a way. I always do. I'm the absolute most dangerous thing in that ring."
"Mooo"
"See even Daniel understands."
"Moooooooo"
"I know you said coming here was a bad idea."
"Hold on. Have you been talking to this cow?"
"His name is Daniel. Jesus Fuck Louie!"
Lou Pohl faceplants the table in exasperation.
4:23 PM
Lou, Crash and Daniel are standing out in a parking lot. Lou is sweating through his cheap suit, the perspiration adds 10 pounds. Crash is seen smiling like a child who just got handed the keys to a candy factory. Daniela looks around like a cow would.
"Man, isn't Daniel great at being a cow?"
"Most cows are good at being cows."
"Mooo"
"Yeah Lou, Daniel's right, shut the fuck up."
Lou throws his hands up in the air defeated. Every ticking minute of this day furthers discredits his clients sanity. He looks around, beady eyes looking for an answer as to how his life has gotten here.
"Will you stop with this cow business? It's fucking done. I'm sick of hearing about this fucking cow! You realize you have a match soon? A very big important match that could launch your career to the exact place you've been claiming to stand? Crash. My friend. Please understand, you need to start focusing on the task at hand. The Big Bifford. E.W. Montgomery. These are important names. Decorated veterans of your sport. You constantly say you're the best, yet consistently look like a goddamn fool. STOP FUCKING AROUND, AND TRY AND TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?"
Seconds pass as the GCWA star stares at his lawyer. The words seem to finally be setting into his head. Lou's right, this is his chance. Crash just wishes Lou would understand why Daniel is the key to success.
"Moooo."
"AND SHUT THE FUCK UP DANIEL!"
"HEY! Watch your tone, you piss stained weasel. You do NOT speak to him like that. You have some fucking respect, we're suppose to be a god damn team."
Lou Pohl stands before Crash both flabbergasted and terrified. He shakes away the confusion and the nerves, before laying down his ultimatum.
"Crash. This isn't a team. Look, I'm sorry. But you have to choose. Your longtime support system, or some cow? Me… or Daniel?"
11:34 PM
Crash is seen on a rooftop with Daniel. Lord knows how the two of them got up there. Crash sits on the edge of the roof as he reaches back scratching under the cows neck.
"Oh. I love you Daniel."
"Mooo"
"Daniel…"
Crash begins speaking obviously taken aback by whatever his twisted head had translated.
"Bifford and Monty aren't that scary. I mean realistically Bifford scares his own henchmen more than anybody that steps foot into that ring. I mean, once upon a time, sure I was a fan."
Crash pulls a gogurt out of his jacket pocket and begins to suck up all the yogurty goodness.
"But I mean, hell, he didn't even win last week. He's lost his shine. He's overplayed and honestly it would probably be for the best if he just took a backstage role. As for E.W., I'll be honest, I haven't heard of him until I saw his name next to mine."
"Mooo"
"I know, I usually choke at these kinds of matches. I mean it's a huge opportunity, GCWA's Golden Ticket. I'd be lying if I said I was nervous in the slightest, DanDan, but with you by my side. I truly feel like I've found a family. I've found a friend. Together, I don't believe there's a single obstacle I can't overcome."
Daniel begins to step away from the edge, while Crash lays back and looks into the night sky. He begins to see all the shots he had missed at his last run with the Texan company.
"You're so much cooler than Jace. Easily a better tag partner too"
"Moo"
"No, I liked Mr Savage a lot. Good guy, but me and him never clicked like we have."
"Mooo"
"Haha, you're funny Daniel."