The Shining in One Skit? Weak Ass Booking. KA'BERRYON RETURN
Jan 28, 2021 21:08:16 GMT -6
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Post by The Big Bifford on Jan 28, 2021 21:08:16 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the iconic image of the massive hotel featured in the Stephen King novel, and later movie, The Shining. Snow falls from the sky dramatically as eerie music plays. The text THE STANLEY HOTEL, ESTES PARK, CO is displayed as the scene slowly fades to inside one of the rooms. The room, far from a normal hotel room, is a massive suite. Inside, The Big Bifford and Carmichael the Genie are standing in the living room, talking casually to one another as though they aren't being filmed. Bifford's MAGICAL FLEECE seems to flutter in the wind even though they're inside - he reaches into the fleece and produces a corndog, which he begins eating.
Bifford: Did you notice Hood's mistake on Friday night? He said it was Martin Ka'Berryon that the ninja kidnapped last week.. it wasn't Martin Ka'Berryon, it was Martin the Chef... he was actually one of my first managers in OCW. I think Hood needs to retire.
Carmichael: Shouldn't we focus more on the fact that you lost your match? Or the fact that there's a ninja who is kidnapping your staff?
Bifford (shaking his head): No, we need to focus on the real details.. because this week Martin Ka'Berryon and his father are joining us.
Carmichael: Dude... Ka'Berryon has died like three times in your skits... and his dad's death was one of the most iconic moments of your first OCW run - where you killed him in that hot air balloon race.
Bifford (furrowing his brow): Dude how do you remember all this stuff?
Carmichael: I'm a total mark for you.
Bifford rolls his eyes and walks over to a desk in the next section of the room. He sits down and there is a typewriter in front of him. He begins typing:
Carmichael is right. I lost. To the guy in the grape costume's life partner. It's weird. What was his name? Javier? Javier Deluxe? I can't lose to someone like that. I'm an OCW and GCWA Hall of Famer. I could really use a beer, but the bar is all the way down on the first floor. Our suite is on the sixth. All work and no beer makes Bifford lose his mind.
Bifford looks up from the typewriter as a black man in his 40s who is wearing a costume of a cluster of grapes and an older black man (presumably his father) walk into the room. Martin Ka'Berryon looks at Bifford with grave suspicion. Bifford looks back at him with a note of the same.
Ka'Berryon: Bifford, whatever this is about.. I don't think I want any part of it. Every time I am involved with you either me or my father end up dead.
Carmichael: Then how are you here?
Bifford (ignoring Carmichael): Martin.. I know your life partner beat me on Friday, but there's no time for you to gloat.
Martin looks at Bifford with confusion, then he looks over at Carmichael in his Genie costume.
Ka'Berryon: Who's this sucker in the genie costume? What happened to Earl and Kenny?
Carmichael: Kidnapped by a ninja.
Bifford (nervously): They're stuck in traffic so we needed to bring you guys in..
Ka'Berryon: They're in traffic? And you flew us from Alaska to Colorado? And what's with this filming schedule? One day only? You're doing a The Shining parody in only one day? What sort of shoddy workmanship is this?
Bifford (shrugging): I don't know, for some reason we can only do one day.. it's a long story, but I'd already put down the deposit on the room.
Ka'Berryon: What did that weirdo in the genie costume say about a kidnapping ninja?
Bifford (waving that off): Don't listen to him, he's nuts... listen, I need your father to go down to room 217. That's where I put the briefcase of money for your payment.
Martin looks at his father and motions for him to go and he walks away. Meanwhile, Carmichael walks up to Bifford and whispers, "do you think it's smart for us to be sending people out alone? There's a crazy ninja kidnapping people." Rolling his eyes, Bifford laughs a bit and whispers back, "don't worry about that - the ninja is the least of his worries in room 217." Then walking back to his typewriter he looks back at the two men, "you two play nice," he instructs as he sits down to the typewriter. He begins typing and the camera focuses on the paper, however a small picture-in-picture box pops up in the corner of the screen, showing Martin Ka'Berryon and Carmichael the Genie running around the living room in their costumes. Though they're adults (albeit ones in genie and grape cluster costumes), they are playing as though they are 7 year old children before the internet existed.
Xavier Lux? Was that his name? He will have to pay. I will get my revenge. Nobody beats Bifford and walks away without any retribution. Unless you're Mike Best. Or that Gentleman. But those were both Dean's fault. Xavier Deluxe. Must. Pay.
Standing from the typewriter, Bifford looks back at the two men playing like children and cringes. It really does look awful.
Bifford: Okay stop that now... and never do that again. Let's talk about this week. Who are my opponents?
Carmichael: EM Montgomery and Crash.
Bifford: Who?
Carmichael: Montgomery is an older guy.. not Ehud old, but pretty old.
Bifford: Like THE PROCTOLOGIST?
Carmichael: Not that old either.. but older than you.
Bifford: Is Crash that guy I beat 9 times in a row?
Carmichael: You were supposed to beat him 9 times in a row, but then he realized you were going to beat him 9 times in a row and stopped wanting to fight you.
Ka'Berryon: Nobody wants that level of shame..
Another picture in picture square appears in the corner as Martin Ka'Berryon's father reaches room 217. He knocks on the door. Meanwhile Bifford looks down in the direction of the box on your television set and smirks, like he's somehow magically able to see it. The door swings open and a person wearing a ghost costume (like the sheet-over-the-head kind) grabs him and pulls him into the room, closing the door behind him. The picture-in-picture screen fades to darkness and disappears as Bifford laughs. Meanwhile, Ka'Berryon walks over to Carmichael and whispers, "what's he looking at? What's he smiling about?" Responding, Carmichael whispers, "I'm pretty sure he's been doing the slowly going insane gimmick for like the last 11 years.. he just never quite goes all the way with it." Bifford looks back up from the screen that he couldn't possibly see.
Bifford: Okay, so I just need to piledrive them and pin them?
Carmichael: I mean, sure that usually works.. but it's also a street fight, so maybe you could do one of them onto a steel chair.
Bifford nods, considering it. Then he walks back over to the typewriter and sits down.
Who was that referee? Was it the ninja? Lurrr? Another enemy from my past? Duce? Dan? How could they count me out after Xavier Deluxe used that illegal move and choked me out? They should have disqualified him. And fined him. The fine should have gone to me.. I'm on a very fixed income.
The typing stops as there is a knock at the door. "Room service!," is called from the other side of the door. Martin Ka'Berryon walks over and lets the attendant in. The attendant begins setting up a caviar tasting as Bifford stands up from the typewriter and walks over to Martin and Carmichael who are just standing there doing nothing.
Attendant: If you guys don't mind, you might want to avoid the 2nd floor.. the police are there, someone was just killed in the last few minutes... despite being a "haunted" place - this sort of stuff never happens here.
Ka'Berryon: WHICH FLOOR!?
Attendant: Second floor..
The man in the grape cluster costume charges toward Bifford.
Ka'Berryon: Oh no you didn't... you flew me and my father here for him to die AGAIN!?
Bifford: I didn't know the room was haunted.
Ka'Berryon: He didn't say anything about haunting... if I find out my dad is in some freakish chicken sandwhich... so help me God... we moved to Alaska to try to avoid you and your madness but then you call up and offer us 100k for one day's work? Just so you can pull the same shit that lead to us moving to Alaska!
The attendant setting up the caviar display begins working very quickly, obviously wanting to get away from all the crazy men in costumes yelling at one another.
Bifford: It's cool man.. just rub the genie and he will grant your wish and you can wish for your father to come back.
Ka'Berryon (suddenly intrigued): Hold on.. I can wish for anything and just rub this weirdo and it comes true?
Bifford: It never fails.. just rub him and wish for your dad to come back to life.
The man in the grape cluster costume walks up to the man in the genie costume - they're both grown men in costumes, so this is an odd sight. The room attendant even stops doing what he's doing to watch - he can't look away. Martin walks up and looks at the genie with suspicion. Meanwhile, while they're all distracted a man in a ninja costume climbs out of the bottom section of the room-service cart and darts into another room in the suite. Meanwhile, Bifford watches intently as his two sidekicks stare at each other. Martin lifts his hand and rubs Carmichael and says, "I want 12 million dollars cash to appear in my basement at home right now." Bifford bursts into laughter.
Bifford: It doesn't work you psycho... he's just a dude I put in a genie costume. But you'd rather have 12 million dollars than your father back?
Ka'Berryon: I could help a lot of people with 12 million dollars.
The door to the room swings open and Martin's father walks in, looking insanely angry. On each side of him are little girls dressed in the outfits that the creepy girls wore in the movie The Shining. Bifford begins laughing hysterically as Martin's father walks up to him, saying, "you've got a lot of explainin' to do, boy." As the two African-Americans argue about the wish, Bifford walks over to Carmichael and whispers, "I didn't have anyone killed on the second floor... go collect the corpse and then prep the meat for sandwiches... if anyone gets in your way, you know what to do.. the supply chain must never end for Bifford's Sandwiches of Chicken..." Carmichael nods and walks away as Bifford heads over to the caviar display that the attendant is again setting up. He begins making himself a plate as the other men argue.
Martin's Father: You never cared about me or my death - you just always want your money!
Ka'Berryon: Where is the briefcase of money you went to get?
Martin's Father: I'll tell you where it is when you apologize for not caring about my death..
Ka'Berryon: You're here aren't you? You aren't dead!
Bifford takes his plate of caviar over to the type-writer and sits down.
If Xavier Lux can beat me, what's to say Crash can't? EM Montgomery? Who is to say that I can win on Sunday? I can only keep my head up, try my best, and persevere... and if all else fails, I can use a steel chair. I can't let this loss send me into insanity. All losses and no wins make Bifford lose his shit.
The camera flips around and is focused on Bifford's face. His eyes look slightly crazed. However, the viewer's eyes are drawn away from his to the background. Behind him the ninja has tied up the room service attendant, Martin Ka'Berryon (grape cluster costume and all) and his father. With all three men on top of the room service cart in a pile of struggling tied-up bodies, the ninja pushes them out of Bifford's suite, leaving Bifford alone with no idea what just happened behind him. The large man moves his hands back to the typewriter and he types one last sentence.
Betsy Granger is in my spot.
And with that his hand reaches up to rip the piece of paper out of the typewriter and crumple it up as the scene fades to darkness.