Never ever drunk dial
Jan 28, 2021 21:34:14 GMT -6
Deana Barrows, Shawn Warstein, and 2 more like this
Post by Jackson Hart on Jan 28, 2021 21:34:14 GMT -6
They say it's better to be lucky than good. I say fuck that. Why not both?
I know a lot of people look at me and they see an good looking white male who was born on third base with two silver spoons in his mouth and think that this guy has no idea what it means to struggle. To hit rock bottom and have to dig down deep to crawl your way back out of it. They see the present and assume they know the past. But I'm not like every other spoiled good looking white male who was born on third base with two silver spoons in his mouth because yeah while my upbringing was privileged my formative years were not. You see some folks, despite the truth being literally at their fingertips are too dumb or lazy to actually go and do their homework. Some folks will just try and talk with confidence in hopes that no one will call them on their shit. Some folks would be Outcast. And the guy calling him out, well that would be me. But before we get to that I want to take a little stroll down memory lane...
***A few days ago at Jackson and Jackson Ghost Hunters HQ - aka an abandoned old fire station in the heart of New York City***
Laying on his bed, surrounded by enough empty whiskey bottles to kill a small army of Irish Men is Jackson Hart. In his left hand is a half empty bottle of Jameson's, in his right his cell phone. As the camera zooms in we can see Jax scrolling through his contacts with his right thumb. It takes a few seconds before he finally finds the right one. He double taps the contact and then places the phone to his ear while he waits for the call to connect.
"Hey D it's Jax. You remember me right? 1/5th of wrestling's hottest wrestling faction. You know, America's Sweetheart and all. Well I just wanted to let you know that on Adrenaline Rush not only is Shawn going to walk out still the North American champ and The First Lady of Legacy will become the new GCWA World Heavyweight Champ, but I'm walking out the Unified X Champ and we are going to do all of that without you. You missed out on all of this. You sold out your own family just for a seat at the table. You needed us to legitimize you and legitimize you we did and what did we get in return? Absolutely nothing. It's no wonder your family wanted you at the kids table because you are absolutely fucking worthless. So enjoy watching Legacy dominate this weekend. You could've had it all and instead you have nothing. PS: You're ugly."
"Hey cunt who was that?" Noah Jackson asks as he stands at the doorway of Jackson's bedroom.
"Deana."
"Deana who? Denna Burrows? You left THAT message on Deana Burrows cell?"
"Uhhhh yeah...." Jax responds with a somewhat confused look on his face. "Should I not have? Oh my God...what did I just do? Why would I do that?"
"Because your drunk Cunt. Who hasn't drunk dialed their ex? Though I guess you guys never actually fucked so yeah who drunk dials a girl they haven't boned or want to bone only to shit talk them?"
"..."
"A Cunt that's who. A sick sick Cunt. Welcome to the club Jax. It's been a slow turn for you but you've finally made it to the pinnacle of Cuntiness."
"Fuck. We gotta delete it."
"Delete what? The voicemail?"
"Yeah."
"How in the fuck are we supposed do that?"
"Do what?" James Raven asks as he and Shawn Warstein appear in the doorway.
"What the fuck? Did you throw a party and not tell me about it?"
"No. We were supposed to be hitting up the gym to get you prepared for your match but that's clearly not happening now." Raven fires off at Jax while giving his protegee that disappointed dad look.
"You guys gotta help me. We gotta get that voicemail off her phone."
"Again I ask, how the fuck are we supposed to do that?"
"I don't know. Go to her house and delete it?"
"This isn't an episode of Seinfeld Jax. People don't leave voicemail's on small little cassette tapes on answering machines of a home phone. No one even has home phones anymore except geriatrics. She probably listened to the voicemail the second the alert showed up on her phone."
"Fuck, you're right. What are we gonna do?"
"We?" Warstein chimes in.
"We aren't going to do anything Cunt."
"Come on guys. When do I ever ask any of you for anything? Ever."
"He's got a point." Warstein responds as he does the unthinkable and takes Jax's side for once.
"See! Even Shawn agrees and you know it hurt him deep in his soul to do it. So you basically have to help me. Look I'll make a deal with you guys. Me and Shawn will hit up the gym or the dojo whatever and get some training in while you two go and fix this situation. Not like either of you have anything better to do since you aren't booked for the PPV."
"Yeah what's up with that?" Betsy Granger the better half of the James Raven and Betsy Granger power couple asks as she now appears on the scene. "What are we talking about anyway?"
"This stupid Cunt over here drunk dialed Deana Burrows and left a shitty voicemail and now he regrets it and wants me and your lesser half to go and fix it."
"Why? Who cares about that bitch?"
"That's what I said." Noah yells excitedly.
Betsy and James exchange a weird look while the rest of the crew just looks on in silence. You know the look, the one where the wife tells the husband that he should help out his friend even if he doesn't want to because it's the nice thing to do and the husband begrudgingly agrees but without saying an actual word and instead having the entire conversation play out through a series of weird eye movements and head tilts.
"Come on Noah. Let's get this done so Jax doesn't stroke out."
"Seriously? You owe me Cunt!" Noah yells over to Jax.
***A couple of hours later***
"You sure this is the place?" Raven asks as he and Noah sit in a car parked across the street from a rather large home in {Redacted}
"Pretty sure yeah."
"Pretty sure or totally sure? The last thing I want to do is wander into the wrong house and get bit by some Rottweiler."
"Yeah we wouldn't want anything to happen to America's Ass now would we? This is the right place Cunt I'm sure of it."
"Alright let's do this." Raven says as he reaches for the door handle and pulls it towards him.
"Wait! What's the plan?"
"I told you the plan. Like 5 times already. We go in, we snatch her phone and we leave. No sense in trying to delete it because she's probably got one of those biometric locks on it and I'm not Danny Ocean."
"Sinatra or Clooney?"
"Sinatra obviously."
"Respect. Alright I'm ready." Noah says as he zips up his jacket.
James and Noah each exit the vehicle simultaneously. Noah lowers his night vision goggles while Raven just silently questions all of life choices that have led him to this moment.
***10 Minutes Later***
Noah Jackson and James Raven can be seen sprinting down the long driveway as various flood lights start turning on. The two men practically dive into the vehicle with Raven getting behind the wheel as the car speeds off.
***A couple more hours later at a gym in NYC***
At the gym we see Shawn Warstein, Jackson Hart and Betsy Granger, the three booked members of Legacy each doing their own individualized workout but all within the same general vacinity of each other. The three all look like they've worked up a solid sweat while some Beastie Boys is blasting over the gym's sound system.
Jax finishes his routine and then walks over to a small bench and grabs a bottle of Gatorade as James Raven and Noah Jackson walk through the gym's front doors.
"Did you do it?"
"Of course we did Cunt. Well sort of. We opted to just steal her phone instead of try to delete the voicemail. Much easier that way. You know, with biology and all that."
"Biometrics, idiot."
"Yeah that's what I said Biowhatever."
"Alright cool give it to me."
Noah reaches into his pocket and pulls out the phone which he then tosses to Jackson. Hart places the phone down on the bench and then picks up one of the 20 pound barbells located near him. Jax lifts the barbell up over his head when suddenly the phone starts ringing. "Baby you're a song. You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise."
"Turn it off turn it off. My ears!" Noah screams.
"Is that country?" Warstein asks.
"She would like country." Betsy responds.
Jackson reaches down and grabs the phone, the caller ID on the screen says "Unknown Number".
"Answer it." James shouts as the ring tone keeps playing.
"What if it's her?"
"How would it be her? We have her phone."
"Right." Jackson taps the green phone icon on the phone and then immediately presses the speaker phone icon so that everyone in the room can hear. "Hello?" Jackson asks.
"Marjorie?" A woman's voice asks.
"Who?"
"Marjorie are you ok? You sound like you've got a cold."
"Who is this?" Jackson asks.
"Who is this? And why do you have Marjorie's phone?"
Jackson quickly hangs up, places the phone back on bench and then smashes it into 1000 pieces with the barbell.
"So uhhhh fellas. We might have a slight problem." Noah says as the looks over a piece of paper. "I think we were at the wrong house." Noah says as he shows the group the piece of paper Deana Burrows address was written on.
"Don't tell me, you stole the wrong woman's phone?"
"Yeah I think so. Fucking dyslexia. It gets me every time."
"I even asked you if we were at the right place and you said yes."
"Stop attacking me because of my disability CUNT!"
"Great so now what?"
"We move on Jax. We gave it the ole college try but there is nothing that can be done now. There is no way she hasn't listened to the voicemail at this point. It's been like 5 hours."
"Yeah I guess you're right. Fuck. My bad fellas. Sorry for wasting your guys time on this. I should have known better than to drunk dial anyway. It always gets me in trouble."
"Don't worry about it Jax. Who cares what Deana has to say anyway? We kicked that useless leach to the curb. If she could honestly hurt us in anyway she would have by now but she's weak and she knows it. You think if she had any real power you and me would be in title matches? Or that Shawn would still have his title?"
"No I guess not. Geez James why can't you offer this kind of level headed wisdom?"
"Sometimes you just need a woman's touch."
"Look I'm really sorry fellas for leading you on this wild goose chase. Tell ya what let's hit up the bar. First round is on me." Jax says as he walks over to his workout bag and starts rummaging through it.
"That sounds like an excellent idea Cunt."
Jackson pulls his cellphone out of his wrestling bag as the rest of the group continue to congregate amongst themselves. Jackson thumbs through his phone a little bit and then looks up at the group and then back at his phone....and then back at the group and one last time at his phone...
"So uhhhhh funny story everyone..." Jax says as stares up awkwardly at the group. "So uhhhh I'm looking over my recent calls on my phone here and as it turns out it wasn't Deana Burrows I left that message for...it was Vin Diesel."
"Deana. Diesel. I can see how you might get that mixed up. Dyslexia is no joke. I'm here for you Cunt."
"Why do you have Vin Diesel's number in your phone?"
"We met at a card game a few years back. He likes to gamble. And wear shirts from Baby GAP....So uhhhhh two rounds on me then?"
***Back to Present Day***
Now what does that little stroll down memory lane have to do with Outcast? Absolutely nothing. But then again very few things do and I figured since everyone already had to suffer through another sleep inducing Outcast promo that I would at minimum give you all something to enjoy because laughter is the greatest gift one human can give to another human. Except in the case of clowns. Clowns are fucking weird and need to be shot on the spot. Full stop.
So back to the task at hand. Adrenaline Rush. More specifically my title match with the always angry Outcast. Seriously, have any of you ever noticed how the guy is always angry? Like all the fucking time? How has he not had a heart attack yet? Just anger 24/7 it's unhealthy. But I get it though. It's tough when your out there riding through this life all alone instead of with a sweet crew like I have. I can see how that might make one miserable but Outcast bro you gotta lighten up. That's no way to go through life. Neither is poisoning someone and then sneak attacking them in a bathroom while they try and handle their business. Dick move bro. At least have the common decency to let me wash my hands first. Especially in this day and age where COVID is taking people out left and right. And what's with sneak attacking me at all? I thought you were supposed to be the nice guy here? Need I remind you that when I came out to see you two weeks ago it was after you asked me to do so. How was I supposed to know you would be facing the wrong direction when I showed up? Who stares at an empty chair on a stage anyway? At least I had the decency to not show up unannounced unlike your ungrateful ass. Maybe that's why you don't have any friends Outcast.
Speaking of ungrateful I know you are sitting there thinking to yourself, 'self I've spent 20 years scrapping and clawing for every single thing I've ever achieved. I've earned this title and every title I've won and here comes a little shit like Jackson Hart with not even a dozen wrestling matches under his belt to take my title.' And you know what Outcast, for probably the first time in your miserable life you are absolutely fucking right, I am. I am coming for that title. I am coming for this federations second most important title in only my second singles match because you know what? Fuck standing in line and moving up the ladder rung by rung until it's finally my turn to take a shot. Greatness isn't achieved by being a sucker for 20 years begging at the table for scraps like you have. Greatness isn't achieved by waiting your turn it's achieved by taking what you want, when you want, how you want. Like James and I did with the tag team titles and like I'm going to do on Sunday. And I'm not going to feel even remotely bad about it either. Because while you're back in the locker room licking your wounds and wondering how you just got beat by a guy that's greener than baby Yoda I'll be out celebrating adding another title to the Legacy trophy case.
Strap in Outcast because Sunday night I am going to personally show you what it means to be part of the #LEGACYERA when I take the one thing from you that has any meaning at all. Just because I can. Because I'm lucky AND I'm good. And you're neither.
I know a lot of people look at me and they see an good looking white male who was born on third base with two silver spoons in his mouth and think that this guy has no idea what it means to struggle. To hit rock bottom and have to dig down deep to crawl your way back out of it. They see the present and assume they know the past. But I'm not like every other spoiled good looking white male who was born on third base with two silver spoons in his mouth because yeah while my upbringing was privileged my formative years were not. You see some folks, despite the truth being literally at their fingertips are too dumb or lazy to actually go and do their homework. Some folks will just try and talk with confidence in hopes that no one will call them on their shit. Some folks would be Outcast. And the guy calling him out, well that would be me. But before we get to that I want to take a little stroll down memory lane...
***A few days ago at Jackson and Jackson Ghost Hunters HQ - aka an abandoned old fire station in the heart of New York City***
Laying on his bed, surrounded by enough empty whiskey bottles to kill a small army of Irish Men is Jackson Hart. In his left hand is a half empty bottle of Jameson's, in his right his cell phone. As the camera zooms in we can see Jax scrolling through his contacts with his right thumb. It takes a few seconds before he finally finds the right one. He double taps the contact and then places the phone to his ear while he waits for the call to connect.
"Hey D it's Jax. You remember me right? 1/5th of wrestling's hottest wrestling faction. You know, America's Sweetheart and all. Well I just wanted to let you know that on Adrenaline Rush not only is Shawn going to walk out still the North American champ and The First Lady of Legacy will become the new GCWA World Heavyweight Champ, but I'm walking out the Unified X Champ and we are going to do all of that without you. You missed out on all of this. You sold out your own family just for a seat at the table. You needed us to legitimize you and legitimize you we did and what did we get in return? Absolutely nothing. It's no wonder your family wanted you at the kids table because you are absolutely fucking worthless. So enjoy watching Legacy dominate this weekend. You could've had it all and instead you have nothing. PS: You're ugly."
"Hey cunt who was that?" Noah Jackson asks as he stands at the doorway of Jackson's bedroom.
"Deana."
"Deana who? Denna Burrows? You left THAT message on Deana Burrows cell?"
"Uhhhh yeah...." Jax responds with a somewhat confused look on his face. "Should I not have? Oh my God...what did I just do? Why would I do that?"
"Because your drunk Cunt. Who hasn't drunk dialed their ex? Though I guess you guys never actually fucked so yeah who drunk dials a girl they haven't boned or want to bone only to shit talk them?"
"..."
"A Cunt that's who. A sick sick Cunt. Welcome to the club Jax. It's been a slow turn for you but you've finally made it to the pinnacle of Cuntiness."
"Fuck. We gotta delete it."
"Delete what? The voicemail?"
"Yeah."
"How in the fuck are we supposed do that?"
"Do what?" James Raven asks as he and Shawn Warstein appear in the doorway.
"What the fuck? Did you throw a party and not tell me about it?"
"No. We were supposed to be hitting up the gym to get you prepared for your match but that's clearly not happening now." Raven fires off at Jax while giving his protegee that disappointed dad look.
"You guys gotta help me. We gotta get that voicemail off her phone."
"Again I ask, how the fuck are we supposed to do that?"
"I don't know. Go to her house and delete it?"
"This isn't an episode of Seinfeld Jax. People don't leave voicemail's on small little cassette tapes on answering machines of a home phone. No one even has home phones anymore except geriatrics. She probably listened to the voicemail the second the alert showed up on her phone."
"Fuck, you're right. What are we gonna do?"
"We?" Warstein chimes in.
"We aren't going to do anything Cunt."
"Come on guys. When do I ever ask any of you for anything? Ever."
"He's got a point." Warstein responds as he does the unthinkable and takes Jax's side for once.
"See! Even Shawn agrees and you know it hurt him deep in his soul to do it. So you basically have to help me. Look I'll make a deal with you guys. Me and Shawn will hit up the gym or the dojo whatever and get some training in while you two go and fix this situation. Not like either of you have anything better to do since you aren't booked for the PPV."
"Yeah what's up with that?" Betsy Granger the better half of the James Raven and Betsy Granger power couple asks as she now appears on the scene. "What are we talking about anyway?"
"This stupid Cunt over here drunk dialed Deana Burrows and left a shitty voicemail and now he regrets it and wants me and your lesser half to go and fix it."
"Why? Who cares about that bitch?"
"That's what I said." Noah yells excitedly.
Betsy and James exchange a weird look while the rest of the crew just looks on in silence. You know the look, the one where the wife tells the husband that he should help out his friend even if he doesn't want to because it's the nice thing to do and the husband begrudgingly agrees but without saying an actual word and instead having the entire conversation play out through a series of weird eye movements and head tilts.
"Come on Noah. Let's get this done so Jax doesn't stroke out."
"Seriously? You owe me Cunt!" Noah yells over to Jax.
***A couple of hours later***
"You sure this is the place?" Raven asks as he and Noah sit in a car parked across the street from a rather large home in {Redacted}
"Pretty sure yeah."
"Pretty sure or totally sure? The last thing I want to do is wander into the wrong house and get bit by some Rottweiler."
"Yeah we wouldn't want anything to happen to America's Ass now would we? This is the right place Cunt I'm sure of it."
"Alright let's do this." Raven says as he reaches for the door handle and pulls it towards him.
"Wait! What's the plan?"
"I told you the plan. Like 5 times already. We go in, we snatch her phone and we leave. No sense in trying to delete it because she's probably got one of those biometric locks on it and I'm not Danny Ocean."
"Sinatra or Clooney?"
"Sinatra obviously."
"Respect. Alright I'm ready." Noah says as he zips up his jacket.
James and Noah each exit the vehicle simultaneously. Noah lowers his night vision goggles while Raven just silently questions all of life choices that have led him to this moment.
***10 Minutes Later***
Noah Jackson and James Raven can be seen sprinting down the long driveway as various flood lights start turning on. The two men practically dive into the vehicle with Raven getting behind the wheel as the car speeds off.
***A couple more hours later at a gym in NYC***
At the gym we see Shawn Warstein, Jackson Hart and Betsy Granger, the three booked members of Legacy each doing their own individualized workout but all within the same general vacinity of each other. The three all look like they've worked up a solid sweat while some Beastie Boys is blasting over the gym's sound system.
Jax finishes his routine and then walks over to a small bench and grabs a bottle of Gatorade as James Raven and Noah Jackson walk through the gym's front doors.
"Did you do it?"
"Of course we did Cunt. Well sort of. We opted to just steal her phone instead of try to delete the voicemail. Much easier that way. You know, with biology and all that."
"Biometrics, idiot."
"Yeah that's what I said Biowhatever."
"Alright cool give it to me."
Noah reaches into his pocket and pulls out the phone which he then tosses to Jackson. Hart places the phone down on the bench and then picks up one of the 20 pound barbells located near him. Jax lifts the barbell up over his head when suddenly the phone starts ringing. "Baby you're a song. You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise."
"Turn it off turn it off. My ears!" Noah screams.
"Is that country?" Warstein asks.
"She would like country." Betsy responds.
Jackson reaches down and grabs the phone, the caller ID on the screen says "Unknown Number".
"Answer it." James shouts as the ring tone keeps playing.
"What if it's her?"
"How would it be her? We have her phone."
"Right." Jackson taps the green phone icon on the phone and then immediately presses the speaker phone icon so that everyone in the room can hear. "Hello?" Jackson asks.
"Marjorie?" A woman's voice asks.
"Who?"
"Marjorie are you ok? You sound like you've got a cold."
"Who is this?" Jackson asks.
"Who is this? And why do you have Marjorie's phone?"
Jackson quickly hangs up, places the phone back on bench and then smashes it into 1000 pieces with the barbell.
"So uhhhh fellas. We might have a slight problem." Noah says as the looks over a piece of paper. "I think we were at the wrong house." Noah says as he shows the group the piece of paper Deana Burrows address was written on.
"Don't tell me, you stole the wrong woman's phone?"
"Yeah I think so. Fucking dyslexia. It gets me every time."
"I even asked you if we were at the right place and you said yes."
"Stop attacking me because of my disability CUNT!"
"Great so now what?"
"We move on Jax. We gave it the ole college try but there is nothing that can be done now. There is no way she hasn't listened to the voicemail at this point. It's been like 5 hours."
"Yeah I guess you're right. Fuck. My bad fellas. Sorry for wasting your guys time on this. I should have known better than to drunk dial anyway. It always gets me in trouble."
"Don't worry about it Jax. Who cares what Deana has to say anyway? We kicked that useless leach to the curb. If she could honestly hurt us in anyway she would have by now but she's weak and she knows it. You think if she had any real power you and me would be in title matches? Or that Shawn would still have his title?"
"No I guess not. Geez James why can't you offer this kind of level headed wisdom?"
"Sometimes you just need a woman's touch."
"Look I'm really sorry fellas for leading you on this wild goose chase. Tell ya what let's hit up the bar. First round is on me." Jax says as he walks over to his workout bag and starts rummaging through it.
"That sounds like an excellent idea Cunt."
Jackson pulls his cellphone out of his wrestling bag as the rest of the group continue to congregate amongst themselves. Jackson thumbs through his phone a little bit and then looks up at the group and then back at his phone....and then back at the group and one last time at his phone...
"So uhhhhh funny story everyone..." Jax says as stares up awkwardly at the group. "So uhhhh I'm looking over my recent calls on my phone here and as it turns out it wasn't Deana Burrows I left that message for...it was Vin Diesel."
"Deana. Diesel. I can see how you might get that mixed up. Dyslexia is no joke. I'm here for you Cunt."
"Why do you have Vin Diesel's number in your phone?"
"We met at a card game a few years back. He likes to gamble. And wear shirts from Baby GAP....So uhhhhh two rounds on me then?"
***Back to Present Day***
Now what does that little stroll down memory lane have to do with Outcast? Absolutely nothing. But then again very few things do and I figured since everyone already had to suffer through another sleep inducing Outcast promo that I would at minimum give you all something to enjoy because laughter is the greatest gift one human can give to another human. Except in the case of clowns. Clowns are fucking weird and need to be shot on the spot. Full stop.
So back to the task at hand. Adrenaline Rush. More specifically my title match with the always angry Outcast. Seriously, have any of you ever noticed how the guy is always angry? Like all the fucking time? How has he not had a heart attack yet? Just anger 24/7 it's unhealthy. But I get it though. It's tough when your out there riding through this life all alone instead of with a sweet crew like I have. I can see how that might make one miserable but Outcast bro you gotta lighten up. That's no way to go through life. Neither is poisoning someone and then sneak attacking them in a bathroom while they try and handle their business. Dick move bro. At least have the common decency to let me wash my hands first. Especially in this day and age where COVID is taking people out left and right. And what's with sneak attacking me at all? I thought you were supposed to be the nice guy here? Need I remind you that when I came out to see you two weeks ago it was after you asked me to do so. How was I supposed to know you would be facing the wrong direction when I showed up? Who stares at an empty chair on a stage anyway? At least I had the decency to not show up unannounced unlike your ungrateful ass. Maybe that's why you don't have any friends Outcast.
Speaking of ungrateful I know you are sitting there thinking to yourself, 'self I've spent 20 years scrapping and clawing for every single thing I've ever achieved. I've earned this title and every title I've won and here comes a little shit like Jackson Hart with not even a dozen wrestling matches under his belt to take my title.' And you know what Outcast, for probably the first time in your miserable life you are absolutely fucking right, I am. I am coming for that title. I am coming for this federations second most important title in only my second singles match because you know what? Fuck standing in line and moving up the ladder rung by rung until it's finally my turn to take a shot. Greatness isn't achieved by being a sucker for 20 years begging at the table for scraps like you have. Greatness isn't achieved by waiting your turn it's achieved by taking what you want, when you want, how you want. Like James and I did with the tag team titles and like I'm going to do on Sunday. And I'm not going to feel even remotely bad about it either. Because while you're back in the locker room licking your wounds and wondering how you just got beat by a guy that's greener than baby Yoda I'll be out celebrating adding another title to the Legacy trophy case.
Strap in Outcast because Sunday night I am going to personally show you what it means to be part of the #LEGACYERA when I take the one thing from you that has any meaning at all. Just because I can. Because I'm lucky AND I'm good. And you're neither.
