Post by zybala on Feb 10, 2021 8:59:20 GMT -6
~ It's Monday and you know what that means. You've waited for this. Well most of you. Some of you could care less, but we don't worry about you. We focus on the faithful. That's why it's time for Outsiders Championship Wrestling: Dystopia!!! The yard looks amazing as always. The lawn is mowed, and the bushes are trimmed. No trace of crabgrass anywhere because of several complaints made by the talent. Every seat is filled and so are the bleachers. The Yardies are excited to see all the action that only Outsider's can bring! Butts are in the seats. Emilio and The Eastern European are selling the food and non alcoholic beverages. The booze is in the community coolers and the port-o-potties have recently been cleaned by the company that takes care of that sort of stuff.
The Mariachi Band is rocking The Yard with a mariachi version of "Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed. It shouldn't work, but it does. The refrigerator box/announcer table is still standing somehow. Maybe it's become an unwritten rule to leave it alone. Behind the "table" is our trusty commentary team of Mike Zybala and Dean! They are digging the Mariachi Band just like everyone else. They have the headsets and microphones at the ready and Zybala has the laptop for the entrance themes next to him. Next to them in a Laz-I-Boy recliner is Head of Security Lucas Thames with the trusty chainsaw on the ground next to him. Lucas can see EVERYTHING from this vantage point. The Band finishes playing, the Yardies cheer as Dean and Zybala start their intro. ~
Zybala: Welcome back to The Yard ladies and gentlemen to our EIGHTEENTH episode of Dystopia! I'm Mike Zybala!
Dean: And joining him as always, the main Sucka, The O.G. Outsiders, I'm Dean. Tonight we have two big number one contenders matches!
Zybala: Plus a special feature match pitting Raging Dead against Sunday! Will Sunday fare better than his last outing in The Yard or will Dead continue his winning ways in Outsiders?
Dean: After what Warstein did to him the last time he was here, I'm surprised Sunday came back! You got that sucka to sign a waiver, right?
Zybala: Always! We are not legally responsible for anything!
Dean: Fucking A! Belvedere! You're up, sucka!
~ The camera pans over to the ring where both Belvedere and Mitch are waiting to do their jobs. Mitch looks high as hell and munching away on a hotdog. Belvedere looks mildly annoyed but ignores Mitch as he raises the microphone and we press the start button on this bitch!! ~
Belvedere: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back to Dystopia! The following match is your opening match of the night and is a number one contenders match for the United X-Division championship! It is also scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Introducing first…. hailing from Dallas, TX…. weighing in at 185 pounds….this is "Patrolman" Pete!!
~ "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle plays after a YouTube ad. Pete walks into the Yard looking excited! He's looking forward to dishing out his brand of justice! He tries to high five the kids at ringside, who just shy away from the rent-a-cop looking "Patrolman." Pete pays them no mind as he gets in the ring. The music stops and Belvedere continues. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent.. . He resides from The Vista View Trailer Park…. weighing in at, in his words, "200 pounds of keeping a bitch in check".. This is "Wifebeater' Billy Thomas!
~ "Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong" plays over the speakers as Billy walks out to the boos of the fans. As he makes his way to the ring, he stops at the community cooler and grabs a beer. Billy gets in the ring and chugs his beer as Belvedere exits the ring. Mitch is too high to check the wrestlers and calls for a bell. Thomas throws the beer can at Pete, who barely ducks it. Shocked by this behavior, Pete reaches into his vest and pulls out a pen and a booklet. He writes in the booklet, rips off the page and hands it to Thomas. "The Wife Beater" looks at the paper and then at Pete. ~
Thomas: A fucking littering ticket??
~ Thomas balls up the ticket and tosses it our of the ring. Patrolman Pete sighs and starts to write another ticket when Billy grabs the booklet and throws it from the ring! Pete looks aghast, even agog! He starts yelling at Billy about respecting his authority, to which Billy counters with how Pete should respect his dick! That does it. Pete starts swinging wildly at Billy, all the while yelling about using foul language in front of the children. Billy avoids most of the blows, only getting hit by a few glancing hits. He counters with a back hand to Pete's face (The Bitch Thump), a blow that stops Pete flailing wildly. He seems more startled than hurt. ~
Dean: The cop was starting strong until Thomas caught him with The Bitch Thump!
Zybala: Did he really catch him with it or simply graze him? This was the move that took out Bri Carter, and Pete barely staggered back.
Dean: Maybe Pete is tougher than Bri?
Zybala: Maybe… and the men lock up!
~ They do indeed lock up and Billy quickly gets the early advantage by pushing The Patrolman back into the ropes. Mitch is about to start a five count, but Pete pushes back, forcing Thomas back to the middle of the ring. Pete breaks the hold, grabs Thomas by the wrist and flings him towards the ropes. "The Wife Beater" bounces off the ropes and comes charging at Pete, knocking him down with a shoulder tackle. Thomas looks down at his opponent and is about to go on the attack when suddenly, a loud roar can be heard from outside of the yard!! Zybala hides behind the box as Dean starts swearing. The Yardies cheer as the wooden fence behind the bleachers explodes into splinters as The Squashness Monster menacingly stomps into the yard. ~
Zybala: ITS THE SQUASH-NESS MONSTER!!!
Dean: Come the fuck on!
~ The fans laugh and cheer as the creature continues to menacingly stomps towards the ring. Pete looks confused at the monster, but Billy is a veteran of The Yard. He knows what's coming. When Squash-ness gets to the edge of the outside of the ring, Billy clubs Pete in the back of the head and throws him over the top rope onto Squashness, who effortlessly catches The Patrolman. Thomas leaves the ring and runs out of The Yard as Squashness drops Pete with a powerslam. The Monster gets to its feet, looks around for Thomas and roars in anger when it can't find its prey. It stomps through The Yard, kicks another hole in the fence and leaves. ~
Zybala: Where is that creature getting it's internet from??
Dean: What do you mean sucka?
Zybala: Like, how does it know when someone doesn't post a promo?
Dean:....... How the fuck should I know?!? You're the expert on this thing! I just know that the sucka is weird and creepy!
Zybala: Speaking of weird and creepy, it seems like we have a message from PennyLord..
******STATIC******
Everyone’s favourite wheelchair using psychotic clown pops up on screen looking directly into the camera. Behind PennyLord we see nothing but blackness. Nothing.
PennyLord: HELLO FRIENDS! HEHEHE! IT IS I… THE GREAT AND POWERFUL PENNYLORD TO INFORM ALL OF YOU PATHETIC LITTLE MORSEL SNACKS THAT AT THE NEXT DYSTOPIA – uh what number is that? 1, 2, 3… 19! - THAT I WILL BE COMING OUT TO PLAY HEHEHE! OH YES! MY LORD ALLTON VOICE IS TAKING A BACKSEAT FOR THIS ONE AND LETTING PENNY RULE THE ROOST. SO GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS?!!! CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEAUTIFUL, SADISTIC CHAOS! BARRY I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU NONE OF THE A-LIST ARE! BUT I’M NOT QUITE AS EFFECTIVE IN A PUSHY CHAIR! SOOOOOOOOOOOO I’M GOING TO BE THERE AT DYSTOPIA 19 WITH THE FAAAAAAMILY WHEN THEY BEAT YOU PATHETIC MALVADOS INTO MY REALM OF THE MACROVERSE! OH YES MALVADOS! AND WHEN YOU’RE THERE AT DYSTOPIA 19 WITH MEEEEEEEEE YOU’LL FLOAT TOO… OH YOU’LL FLOAT….
Suddenly PennyLord begins to cry.
PennyLord: Oh yes, YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS…. MY BROTHERS IN THE A-LIST FAILED TO WIN THE GCWA TAG TITLES, BUT WHOSE FAULT IS THAT MALVADOS! We have it on EXCELLENT AUTHORITY THAT IT WAS YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU WHO KNOCKED ME OUT OF MY CHAIR, NOT THE SINS.
PennyLord stops crying and smiles with hunger in his eyes.
PennyLord: THIS MAKES PENNYLORD ANGRY…. VERY ANGRY…. AND WHEN I’M THE ONE IN CONTROL AND I’M ANGRY?!! IT’S BAD NEWS ALL AROUND! AT DYSTOPIA 19 YOU’RE GONNA COME AND PLAY WITH THE CLOWN! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
The camera fades out.[/quote]
~ We cut back to The Yard with Zybala and Dean looking weirded out. ~
Dean: Man, I hate when he dresses like the clown. Creeps me the fuck out!
Zybala: Me too, dude. Let's just go on to the next match. Belvedere, take it away!
Belvedere: The following match is scheduled for one fall…
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Making his way to the ring first.... weighing in at two hundred and nineteen pounds... from Ozone Park, New York... THE RAGING DEAD!
~ "Rage 25/8" by Z Mann Zilla starts to play and the fans go wild, not because of who is coming out... but because the song is so dope and fly. Zilla is a truly great underrated artist. The most destructive force on the planet bursts out from the backstage area. That's right... The Raging Dead! He starts his whole huff and puff routine, but takes a look around the Yard and stops. He takes in his surroundings, waves at Zybala, who waves back. He looks around the Yard for a bit longer before the Whiteface Thriller makes his way to the ring. On the way, he meets up with a camera man. Raging Dead starts to yell incoherently. He rolls in the ring, and waits for his opponent. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent… His weight and height are irrelevant… he hails from Parts Unknown…. He is the last day of the week…. Sunday!!
~ Sunday Morning After" By Amanda Marshall hits the speakers. Someone in a white full bodysuit with a red cross on it. Their face is covered by the bodysuit. They're wearing football gear, a helmet, shoulder pads, all of that stuff. The Yardies are a mix of cheers and boos. Sunday sees a fan holding up a sign and goes over to steal it. Sunday then gets in the ring and starts taking off the football gear as Dead can't make heads or tails of this guy. The music stops as Belvedere leaves the ring and Mitch calls for the bell. Sunday raises up the sign, and like the last time he was in The Yard, it reads "SUNDAY NIGHT INFERNO!!!" Raging Dead looks at this and then scans the crowd. He sees something and leaves the ring. Raging Dead steals a dry erase board and marker from a fan! Dead starts writing on the board and proudly holds it up. " RAGING NIGHT DYSTOPIA!!!" Sunday looks shocked! At least we think he does, but can't tell because of the mask. Sunday raises his sign while shouting "SUNDAY!" Raging holds up his sign again and screams "RAGING!" The two go back and forth like this with The Yard split. ~
Half the Yardies: SUNDAY!!
Other Half: RAGING!!
Zybala: I haven't seen Florida this divide since the last election!
Dean: Didn't a majority of the votes go to one side?
Zybala: I'm trying to be topical!
Dean: No politics in The Yard, sucka!
~ Getting upset, Sunday takes his sign and swings it at Raging Dead's head like a chair! It connects, but with it being cardboard, it does nothing. Raging Dead sells it though for some fucking reason. Mitch is about to yell at Sunday and maybe disqualify him when the dry erase board comes crashing down on Sunday's head! The fans cheer (except the board's owner) as the board shatters. Sunday drops to his knees and Mitch turns to yell at Raging Dead, who defends himself by saying Sunday started it. Sunday grabs his football helmet and smashes against Raging Dead's head! Dead staggers back dazed as Mitch goes back to yelling at Sunday. Sunday tries to put the blame on Dead. ~
Zybala: These two better watch it before Mitch disqualifies them both.
Dean: Has any sucka ever get d.q.ed in The Yard?
Zybala:..... I think once…. Yeah, maybe once.
Dean: Oh yeah… I think it was Depth…
~ Mitch's nerves are getting the better of him. He stops yelling at Sunday to pull out a joint and lights it up. He takes a long drag and looks instantly calmer. Raging Dead has recovered somewhat, walks over and kicks Sunday between the legs! The Yardies cheer and boo as Sunday drops to his knees, grasping his nether regions. Mitch starts yelling at Dead and is about to dq him, when Sunday reaches up and punches Dead square in the junk! The fans groan in sympathy as Dead falls to his knees. Both men are grabbing their crotches in pain and Mitch starts yelling at them about the rules and killing his buzz. Both wrestlers look at each other and nod without saying a word. Dead and Sunday both then each raise a hand and try to backhand Mitch in the crotch, only for Mitch to catch both hands at the last second. The fans cheer as Mitch quickly grabs both men's heads and drops them with a D.D.T.! ~
Dean: DOUBLE WeeD.D.T. FROM MITCH!! He ain't letting any sucka hit his cash and prizes! Wait! The fuck is he doing!?!
Zybala: Oh shit!! I'll be back!!
~ Zybala runs to the ring and slides in as Mitch covers both Sunday and Raging Dead. The Yardies cheer when they catch on and count along with Zybala! ~
Yardies/Zybala: One…..Two…..THREE!!
~ Zybala calls for the bell as he helps Mitch to his feet and raises his arm in victory. "Because I Got High" hits the speakers as we go to yet another segment! Shock and awe! ~
~The camera comes on, showing Barry standing in front of a mirror. He studies himself, looking for the changes that have to be there after such a trying time in his life. But he doesn't seem them. They're apparently more than skin deep. As Barry looks at the image some more, it seems to move on its own, smiling at him.~
Double Barry: What's wrong, Barry?
Regular Barry: I don't know, Barry. Things have been so rough lately. Deana left me. The A-List turned on me. Lord Allton wants to hurt me.
Double Barry: Those are all bad things, Barry. But you know they're also things that have positives. You can now date again. You can now partner up with someone else. You can now hurt Lord Allton, like you have before.
Regular Barry: Those are good points, Barry.
Double Barry: I thought they were, Barry.
Regular Barry: I think I need to start wrestling again. I need to start winning like I used to. I still haven't been pinned, you know.
Double Barry: I knew that.
Regular Barry: You know, you're a really great guy, Barry.
Double Barry: Oh, shucks, you don't need to say that.
Regular Barry: It's the truth. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!
Double Barry: You're going to make me blush.
Barry nods to his double and walks away. After a second, he looks back, seeing his own regular reflection.
Regular Barry: I really need to get out of this hotel room. Maybe I'll head to Dystopia and see what's going on.
Barry walks away as he focuses back on the mirror. After a second, Double Barry peeks his head out from the side, smiling. He winks at the camera as it goes off. ~
~ We cut back to The Yard and see Zybala standing in the ring next to a confused Belvedere, microphone in hand. The crowd looks confused and Dean looks excited. He knows what's up. Him and Zybala have talked about this at length. The Yardies hush as Zybala is ready to talk. ~
Zybala: For months, the situation between our United X-Division and X-Factor champions has been heated. Barry and Allton have gone from friends to hated enemies. Many feel that Allton and The A-List screwed Barry at Controlled Chaos. They have attacked each other and been calling each other out. That's why Dean and I have decided that they need to be our headline match for Dystopia 20.
We believe that we have too small a roster for three singles titles and a pair of tag team titles. That's why the match between Allton and Barry will unify their titles with the winner walking out as The Omega X champion! But they won't have just a normal match. Oh no my friends. I made sure that Allton's leg braces are working perfectly so I can make this match with a clear conscience. At Dystopia 20, you will see Barry take on Lord Allton for the Omega X title…… in an Ultimate X match!!!
~ The Yard figuratively blows up with cheers at the announcement. Zybala waits a bit until the noise quiets and continues. ~
Zybala: Now a match like that is too big for a regular Dystopia. That's why number 20 is going to be our second ever Pay Per View!! Dystopia: Double X!!
~ Somehow, the cheering gets even louder! Zybala smiles proudly as he leaves the ring as The Yardies start chanting "Out-Side-Ers!" over and over. Zybala walks over to the announce fridge and high fives Dean. They know they just dropped a bomb shell. Belvedere waits for the fans to calm down before he announces the final match of the night. ~
Belvedere: The following match is a tag team match scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: And it's to determine the number one contenders for the Outsiders Tag Team champions! Coming to the ring first the ring... weighing a combined 420 lbs... from El Paso, Texas... Here are Thunder & Lightning... Wrath of the Storm!!
~ The Yardies cheer as "It's Midnight And I'm Not Famous Yet" by Jimmy Buffett begins to play. Thunder and Lightning come out to the new music, smiling at each other before going into a posing battle, showing off their muscles to themselves and the crowd. They then head for the ring. ~
Zybala: Wrath of the Storm rocking new music from my buddy Jimmy B for their debut in The Yard!
Dean: Man, I'll take anything but "Margaritaville". They play that shit way too much.
Zybala: Ain't that the truth…
~ Thunder and Lightning are trying to psych each other up by doing their traditional battle cry. The music dies down and Belvedere continues. ~
Belvedere: and their opponents….. Hailing from the Starship Desolator….. weighing in at a combined weight of (looks closer at his card) "All the love in the universe".... Representing Sports Entertainment Xpress…. This is Major Helmet and Bug Girl!!!
~ The opening power cord of "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness starts playing as Bug Girl and Major Helmet make their way into The Yard. The duo are holding hands as they walk down the lawn towards the ring. The Yardies are rocking out to the pair's theme song, many of them are drunkenly trying to hit the high notes. They get to the ring and the speakers stop playing, but the song doesn't. The Yardies keep singing and vocalizing the guitar solo. S.E.X. encourages this as Thunder and Lightning look nervous! The fans liking S.E.X. better will hurt Wrath's new merchandise deal, courtesy of Jimmy Buffet. The fans finally finish and break out into cheers and chants! ~
Yardies: WE ARE AWESOME!! (clap clap clapclapclap) WE ARE AWESOME!! (clap clap clapclapclap)
~The fans stop chanting and the main event is set to begin when The Mariachi band begins to play “Si Senor” By Control Machete. The Yardies begin to boo as from the side the POS lowrider pulls up with the Tag Team Champions sitting on the hood of it, Vanessa being behind the wheel. Both teams look at the Malvados as if expecting an attack but the Malvados, after posing for their adoring yardies with their titles, simply wave at the two teams and instead set up two lawn chairs on top of the hood of the lowrider, take a seat and motion that they are only here to watch.~
Zybala: The Champions coming to get a closer look at their possible next opponent, that’s all Dean. I’m sure they are not here to get involved.
Dean: If you believe that sucka, then you probably also believe I’m coming out of retirement to challenge the Janitor for the title.
Zybala: What?! Really?
Dean: No.
Zybala: Oh come on. That would be an awesome match!
~Vanessa passes them a cooler full of Dos Equis beer and also a pinata.~
Zybala: I don’t trust that pinata Dean.
Dean: Come on now, you are being very culturally insensitive right now.
~One of the brothers, let’s say Hector digs into the pinata and begins to toss some candy, and surprisingly, burritos at the crowd who of course cheer the bad guys, who don't love free stuff? Back in the ring, Mitch calls for the bell now that he’s sure nothing is going down. Major Helmet and Thunder start with a classic lock up. The two mighty warriors struggle against each other trying to push their opponent back, but neither men move an inch. Thunder and Helmet break from each other and nod. Thunder grabs Helmet and whips him into the ropes. Helmet charges back with a clothesline and Thunder ducks. Helmet keeps running and hits the other ropes. He stops as he grabs Thunder and throws him at the ropes. On the rebound, Helmet bends over but Thunder leaps over him and keeps going. Helmet stands up and Thunder bounces back and hits him with a shoulder block! Helmet staggers back a little bit but is still standing. Thunder challenges Helmet to "come at me bro!" Helmet runs to the ropes to build momentum and hits Thunder with a shoulder block, who still stands! The two look at each other and run at opposite ropes. They bounce off and collide in the middle of the ring and both fall to the mat. The crowd cheers for the action as Helmet and Thunder very sloppily kip-up to their feet. ~
Zybala: These two aren't giving an inch and the fans are liking it!
Dean: Not all the fans, sucka…
~ The camera pans over to The Malvados, who are booing and jeering and trying to throw candy into the ring. Some go in, some go wide. ~
Victor: Ustedes son basura! (You guys are trash)
Hector: ¡Nos están haciendo perder el tiempo! (you're wasting our time)
Both: Que aburrido!! (clap) Que aburrido!! (clap) - (This is boring!)
~ Helmet and Thunder try to ignore the jeers. Lightning picks up a nearby Jolly Rancher, unwraps it and pops it in his mouth. Bug Girl cheers on her partner. Helmet runs at Thunder and jumps up on his shoulders and hits a very slow hurricanrana!! Helmet moves down at a snail's pace, but has his legs wrapped tight around Thunder's head, so he gets dragged down. Thunder hits the mat gently and somersaults free of Helmet's legs. Both men get to their feet and Thunder charges Helmet. Helmet hits a hip toss, and Thundr tries to flip all the way over but lands on his knees instead of his feet. Despite the pain, Thunder swipes at Helmet's legs, who avoids it with a Oompa Loompa-esq cartwheel. Helmet throws a wild kick at Thunder's head, who dodges by rolling with a back somersault. He gets to his feet and glares at Helmet, who nods in acknowledgement. While to us it looks like they're moving with the grace of a 5 year old Gymnastics class, they think they're going like Will Osprey vs Ricochet! They both run at opposite ropes, jump on the middle rope and try to backflip off of them. Key word is try as Thunder lands hard on his back. Helmet gets more of a rotation, but not much as he lands on the top of his helmet! Both men are in pain as their partners and The Yardies cheer them on. The Malvados continue to boo. ~
Hector: Mi abuela pelea mejor que ustedes! (My grandma fights better!)
Victor: ¡Y ella es como Allton, no piernas! (and she got no legs like Allton!)
Dean: Do you understand what they're saying?
Zybala: I understand abuela, but that's about it. My last Spanish class was about twenty years ago.
Dean: You're in your thirties?!
Zybala: Yeeeah???
Dean: I thought you were like 24…
Zybala: Thank you. But back to the action! Helmet and Thunder are crawling to their corners.
Dean: Which sucka will get the tag first?!
~ The sucka is Thunder! He reaches Lightning first and makes the tag. He jumps in the ring and runs at Helmet, who's crawling towards the reaching Bug Girl. They are about to touch when Lightning grabs Helmet's legs and drags him away. Bug Girl looks dejected as her chance to shine is gone for now. Lighting drags Helmet to the middle of the ring and attempts a figure four, but Helmet kicks him away! Lightning stumbles forward as Helmet scoots back to his corner and makes the tag! The Yardies cheer as Bug Girl jumps over the ropes and takes Lightning down with a clothesline! She then runs at Thunder and forearms him in the face, knocking him off the apron and to the grass below! ~
Hector: Anoche me cogi a tu mama! (I slept with your Mom last night)
Victor: Y me dijo: Si! Si! Si! (and she said, yes, yes, yes ala Daniel Bryant)
Bug Girl: My mother is in space, pendejo!
~ The Malvados look stunned. Bug Girl turns her attention back to Lightning, who is getting back to his feet. She knocks him back down with a spinning heel kick! With Lightning down, Bug Girl hits the ropes and springs off of them with a Lionsault! Helmet cheers while also looking dejected that his girlfriend is outshining him. It's a mix of pride and shame. Bug Girl doesn't go for the pin. Instead she climbs to the top rope. She looks ready to fly but Thunder reaches in and pulls Lightning out of the ring. Bug Girl leaps at the duo but gets caught! ~
Zybala: B.G. was looking like she wanted to Squash Lightning, but now is in a bad way!
Dean: Not for long, sucka! Here comes Helmet!
~ Helmet comes charging around the ring and uses his helmeted head as a battering ram against Thunder's side. Thunder crumples, leaving Lightning to hold B.G. by himself. The four start brawling and the fans are loving it! The cheers turn to boos as Tank and Vincenzo run into The Yard! Tank charges at Thunder and Helmet and takes them both down with a double spear! Vinny boots Lightning in the face, who is still holding Bug Girl. She lands on top of Lightning and crawls over to check on Helmet. Tank and Vincenzo look smug as Mitch calls for the bell, throwing the match out. ~
Zybala: And another attack from The Family!
Dean: They want in the tag title scene, sucka! It's a sign that people are taking notice of Outsiders!
Zybala: Wait! What the hell is Victor doing?!
~ The look of smugness disappears when Tank is hit in the back of the head with a pinata! Candy sprays everywhere as Tank slowly turns to see Victor a few feet away, obviously being the one who threw the pinata. Victor runs back to the low rider where Hector is waiting in the driver seat. The car takes off as soon as Victor leaps into the backseat before The Family can give chase. They shrug before going back to the house. ~
Dean: Is it me or does it feel we're getting weirder with less actual winners with each show.
Zybala: That's the nature of the game some time. Maybe we'll have actual winners on the next show. For President Dean, I'm Mike Zybala wishing you all Good Fight, Good Night.
The Mariachi Band is rocking The Yard with a mariachi version of "Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed. It shouldn't work, but it does. The refrigerator box/announcer table is still standing somehow. Maybe it's become an unwritten rule to leave it alone. Behind the "table" is our trusty commentary team of Mike Zybala and Dean! They are digging the Mariachi Band just like everyone else. They have the headsets and microphones at the ready and Zybala has the laptop for the entrance themes next to him. Next to them in a Laz-I-Boy recliner is Head of Security Lucas Thames with the trusty chainsaw on the ground next to him. Lucas can see EVERYTHING from this vantage point. The Band finishes playing, the Yardies cheer as Dean and Zybala start their intro. ~
Zybala: Welcome back to The Yard ladies and gentlemen to our EIGHTEENTH episode of Dystopia! I'm Mike Zybala!
Dean: And joining him as always, the main Sucka, The O.G. Outsiders, I'm Dean. Tonight we have two big number one contenders matches!
Zybala: Plus a special feature match pitting Raging Dead against Sunday! Will Sunday fare better than his last outing in The Yard or will Dead continue his winning ways in Outsiders?
Dean: After what Warstein did to him the last time he was here, I'm surprised Sunday came back! You got that sucka to sign a waiver, right?
Zybala: Always! We are not legally responsible for anything!
Dean: Fucking A! Belvedere! You're up, sucka!
~ The camera pans over to the ring where both Belvedere and Mitch are waiting to do their jobs. Mitch looks high as hell and munching away on a hotdog. Belvedere looks mildly annoyed but ignores Mitch as he raises the microphone and we press the start button on this bitch!! ~
Belvedere: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back to Dystopia! The following match is your opening match of the night and is a number one contenders match for the United X-Division championship! It is also scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Introducing first…. hailing from Dallas, TX…. weighing in at 185 pounds….this is "Patrolman" Pete!!
~ "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle plays after a YouTube ad. Pete walks into the Yard looking excited! He's looking forward to dishing out his brand of justice! He tries to high five the kids at ringside, who just shy away from the rent-a-cop looking "Patrolman." Pete pays them no mind as he gets in the ring. The music stops and Belvedere continues. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent.. . He resides from The Vista View Trailer Park…. weighing in at, in his words, "200 pounds of keeping a bitch in check".. This is "Wifebeater' Billy Thomas!
~ "Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong" plays over the speakers as Billy walks out to the boos of the fans. As he makes his way to the ring, he stops at the community cooler and grabs a beer. Billy gets in the ring and chugs his beer as Belvedere exits the ring. Mitch is too high to check the wrestlers and calls for a bell. Thomas throws the beer can at Pete, who barely ducks it. Shocked by this behavior, Pete reaches into his vest and pulls out a pen and a booklet. He writes in the booklet, rips off the page and hands it to Thomas. "The Wife Beater" looks at the paper and then at Pete. ~
Thomas: A fucking littering ticket??
~ Thomas balls up the ticket and tosses it our of the ring. Patrolman Pete sighs and starts to write another ticket when Billy grabs the booklet and throws it from the ring! Pete looks aghast, even agog! He starts yelling at Billy about respecting his authority, to which Billy counters with how Pete should respect his dick! That does it. Pete starts swinging wildly at Billy, all the while yelling about using foul language in front of the children. Billy avoids most of the blows, only getting hit by a few glancing hits. He counters with a back hand to Pete's face (The Bitch Thump), a blow that stops Pete flailing wildly. He seems more startled than hurt. ~
Dean: The cop was starting strong until Thomas caught him with The Bitch Thump!
Zybala: Did he really catch him with it or simply graze him? This was the move that took out Bri Carter, and Pete barely staggered back.
Dean: Maybe Pete is tougher than Bri?
Zybala: Maybe… and the men lock up!
~ They do indeed lock up and Billy quickly gets the early advantage by pushing The Patrolman back into the ropes. Mitch is about to start a five count, but Pete pushes back, forcing Thomas back to the middle of the ring. Pete breaks the hold, grabs Thomas by the wrist and flings him towards the ropes. "The Wife Beater" bounces off the ropes and comes charging at Pete, knocking him down with a shoulder tackle. Thomas looks down at his opponent and is about to go on the attack when suddenly, a loud roar can be heard from outside of the yard!! Zybala hides behind the box as Dean starts swearing. The Yardies cheer as the wooden fence behind the bleachers explodes into splinters as The Squashness Monster menacingly stomps into the yard. ~
Zybala: ITS THE SQUASH-NESS MONSTER!!!
Dean: Come the fuck on!
~ The fans laugh and cheer as the creature continues to menacingly stomps towards the ring. Pete looks confused at the monster, but Billy is a veteran of The Yard. He knows what's coming. When Squash-ness gets to the edge of the outside of the ring, Billy clubs Pete in the back of the head and throws him over the top rope onto Squashness, who effortlessly catches The Patrolman. Thomas leaves the ring and runs out of The Yard as Squashness drops Pete with a powerslam. The Monster gets to its feet, looks around for Thomas and roars in anger when it can't find its prey. It stomps through The Yard, kicks another hole in the fence and leaves. ~
Zybala: Where is that creature getting it's internet from??
Dean: What do you mean sucka?
Zybala: Like, how does it know when someone doesn't post a promo?
Dean:....... How the fuck should I know?!? You're the expert on this thing! I just know that the sucka is weird and creepy!
Zybala: Speaking of weird and creepy, it seems like we have a message from PennyLord..
******STATIC******
Everyone’s favourite wheelchair using psychotic clown pops up on screen looking directly into the camera. Behind PennyLord we see nothing but blackness. Nothing.
PennyLord: HELLO FRIENDS! HEHEHE! IT IS I… THE GREAT AND POWERFUL PENNYLORD TO INFORM ALL OF YOU PATHETIC LITTLE MORSEL SNACKS THAT AT THE NEXT DYSTOPIA – uh what number is that? 1, 2, 3… 19! - THAT I WILL BE COMING OUT TO PLAY HEHEHE! OH YES! MY LORD ALLTON VOICE IS TAKING A BACKSEAT FOR THIS ONE AND LETTING PENNY RULE THE ROOST. SO GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS?!!! CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEAUTIFUL, SADISTIC CHAOS! BARRY I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU NONE OF THE A-LIST ARE! BUT I’M NOT QUITE AS EFFECTIVE IN A PUSHY CHAIR! SOOOOOOOOOOOO I’M GOING TO BE THERE AT DYSTOPIA 19 WITH THE FAAAAAAMILY WHEN THEY BEAT YOU PATHETIC MALVADOS INTO MY REALM OF THE MACROVERSE! OH YES MALVADOS! AND WHEN YOU’RE THERE AT DYSTOPIA 19 WITH MEEEEEEEEE YOU’LL FLOAT TOO… OH YOU’LL FLOAT….
Suddenly PennyLord begins to cry.
PennyLord: Oh yes, YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS…. MY BROTHERS IN THE A-LIST FAILED TO WIN THE GCWA TAG TITLES, BUT WHOSE FAULT IS THAT MALVADOS! We have it on EXCELLENT AUTHORITY THAT IT WAS YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU WHO KNOCKED ME OUT OF MY CHAIR, NOT THE SINS.
PennyLord stops crying and smiles with hunger in his eyes.
PennyLord: THIS MAKES PENNYLORD ANGRY…. VERY ANGRY…. AND WHEN I’M THE ONE IN CONTROL AND I’M ANGRY?!! IT’S BAD NEWS ALL AROUND! AT DYSTOPIA 19 YOU’RE GONNA COME AND PLAY WITH THE CLOWN! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
The camera fades out.[/quote]
~ We cut back to The Yard with Zybala and Dean looking weirded out. ~
Dean: Man, I hate when he dresses like the clown. Creeps me the fuck out!
Zybala: Me too, dude. Let's just go on to the next match. Belvedere, take it away!
Belvedere: The following match is scheduled for one fall…
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: Making his way to the ring first.... weighing in at two hundred and nineteen pounds... from Ozone Park, New York... THE RAGING DEAD!
~ "Rage 25/8" by Z Mann Zilla starts to play and the fans go wild, not because of who is coming out... but because the song is so dope and fly. Zilla is a truly great underrated artist. The most destructive force on the planet bursts out from the backstage area. That's right... The Raging Dead! He starts his whole huff and puff routine, but takes a look around the Yard and stops. He takes in his surroundings, waves at Zybala, who waves back. He looks around the Yard for a bit longer before the Whiteface Thriller makes his way to the ring. On the way, he meets up with a camera man. Raging Dead starts to yell incoherently. He rolls in the ring, and waits for his opponent. ~
Belvedere: And his opponent… His weight and height are irrelevant… he hails from Parts Unknown…. He is the last day of the week…. Sunday!!
~ Sunday Morning After" By Amanda Marshall hits the speakers. Someone in a white full bodysuit with a red cross on it. Their face is covered by the bodysuit. They're wearing football gear, a helmet, shoulder pads, all of that stuff. The Yardies are a mix of cheers and boos. Sunday sees a fan holding up a sign and goes over to steal it. Sunday then gets in the ring and starts taking off the football gear as Dead can't make heads or tails of this guy. The music stops as Belvedere leaves the ring and Mitch calls for the bell. Sunday raises up the sign, and like the last time he was in The Yard, it reads "SUNDAY NIGHT INFERNO!!!" Raging Dead looks at this and then scans the crowd. He sees something and leaves the ring. Raging Dead steals a dry erase board and marker from a fan! Dead starts writing on the board and proudly holds it up. " RAGING NIGHT DYSTOPIA!!!" Sunday looks shocked! At least we think he does, but can't tell because of the mask. Sunday raises his sign while shouting "SUNDAY!" Raging holds up his sign again and screams "RAGING!" The two go back and forth like this with The Yard split. ~
Half the Yardies: SUNDAY!!
Other Half: RAGING!!
Zybala: I haven't seen Florida this divide since the last election!
Dean: Didn't a majority of the votes go to one side?
Zybala: I'm trying to be topical!
Dean: No politics in The Yard, sucka!
~ Getting upset, Sunday takes his sign and swings it at Raging Dead's head like a chair! It connects, but with it being cardboard, it does nothing. Raging Dead sells it though for some fucking reason. Mitch is about to yell at Sunday and maybe disqualify him when the dry erase board comes crashing down on Sunday's head! The fans cheer (except the board's owner) as the board shatters. Sunday drops to his knees and Mitch turns to yell at Raging Dead, who defends himself by saying Sunday started it. Sunday grabs his football helmet and smashes against Raging Dead's head! Dead staggers back dazed as Mitch goes back to yelling at Sunday. Sunday tries to put the blame on Dead. ~
Zybala: These two better watch it before Mitch disqualifies them both.
Dean: Has any sucka ever get d.q.ed in The Yard?
Zybala:..... I think once…. Yeah, maybe once.
Dean: Oh yeah… I think it was Depth…
~ Mitch's nerves are getting the better of him. He stops yelling at Sunday to pull out a joint and lights it up. He takes a long drag and looks instantly calmer. Raging Dead has recovered somewhat, walks over and kicks Sunday between the legs! The Yardies cheer and boo as Sunday drops to his knees, grasping his nether regions. Mitch starts yelling at Dead and is about to dq him, when Sunday reaches up and punches Dead square in the junk! The fans groan in sympathy as Dead falls to his knees. Both men are grabbing their crotches in pain and Mitch starts yelling at them about the rules and killing his buzz. Both wrestlers look at each other and nod without saying a word. Dead and Sunday both then each raise a hand and try to backhand Mitch in the crotch, only for Mitch to catch both hands at the last second. The fans cheer as Mitch quickly grabs both men's heads and drops them with a D.D.T.! ~
Dean: DOUBLE WeeD.D.T. FROM MITCH!! He ain't letting any sucka hit his cash and prizes! Wait! The fuck is he doing!?!
Zybala: Oh shit!! I'll be back!!
~ Zybala runs to the ring and slides in as Mitch covers both Sunday and Raging Dead. The Yardies cheer when they catch on and count along with Zybala! ~
Yardies/Zybala: One…..Two…..THREE!!
~ Zybala calls for the bell as he helps Mitch to his feet and raises his arm in victory. "Because I Got High" hits the speakers as we go to yet another segment! Shock and awe! ~
~The camera comes on, showing Barry standing in front of a mirror. He studies himself, looking for the changes that have to be there after such a trying time in his life. But he doesn't seem them. They're apparently more than skin deep. As Barry looks at the image some more, it seems to move on its own, smiling at him.~
Double Barry: What's wrong, Barry?
Regular Barry: I don't know, Barry. Things have been so rough lately. Deana left me. The A-List turned on me. Lord Allton wants to hurt me.
Double Barry: Those are all bad things, Barry. But you know they're also things that have positives. You can now date again. You can now partner up with someone else. You can now hurt Lord Allton, like you have before.
Regular Barry: Those are good points, Barry.
Double Barry: I thought they were, Barry.
Regular Barry: I think I need to start wrestling again. I need to start winning like I used to. I still haven't been pinned, you know.
Double Barry: I knew that.
Regular Barry: You know, you're a really great guy, Barry.
Double Barry: Oh, shucks, you don't need to say that.
Regular Barry: It's the truth. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!
Double Barry: You're going to make me blush.
Barry nods to his double and walks away. After a second, he looks back, seeing his own regular reflection.
Regular Barry: I really need to get out of this hotel room. Maybe I'll head to Dystopia and see what's going on.
Barry walks away as he focuses back on the mirror. After a second, Double Barry peeks his head out from the side, smiling. He winks at the camera as it goes off. ~
~ We cut back to The Yard and see Zybala standing in the ring next to a confused Belvedere, microphone in hand. The crowd looks confused and Dean looks excited. He knows what's up. Him and Zybala have talked about this at length. The Yardies hush as Zybala is ready to talk. ~
Zybala: For months, the situation between our United X-Division and X-Factor champions has been heated. Barry and Allton have gone from friends to hated enemies. Many feel that Allton and The A-List screwed Barry at Controlled Chaos. They have attacked each other and been calling each other out. That's why Dean and I have decided that they need to be our headline match for Dystopia 20.
We believe that we have too small a roster for three singles titles and a pair of tag team titles. That's why the match between Allton and Barry will unify their titles with the winner walking out as The Omega X champion! But they won't have just a normal match. Oh no my friends. I made sure that Allton's leg braces are working perfectly so I can make this match with a clear conscience. At Dystopia 20, you will see Barry take on Lord Allton for the Omega X title…… in an Ultimate X match!!!
~ The Yard figuratively blows up with cheers at the announcement. Zybala waits a bit until the noise quiets and continues. ~
Zybala: Now a match like that is too big for a regular Dystopia. That's why number 20 is going to be our second ever Pay Per View!! Dystopia: Double X!!
~ Somehow, the cheering gets even louder! Zybala smiles proudly as he leaves the ring as The Yardies start chanting "Out-Side-Ers!" over and over. Zybala walks over to the announce fridge and high fives Dean. They know they just dropped a bomb shell. Belvedere waits for the fans to calm down before he announces the final match of the night. ~
Belvedere: The following match is a tag team match scheduled for one fall!
Yardies: ONE FALL!
Belvedere: And it's to determine the number one contenders for the Outsiders Tag Team champions! Coming to the ring first the ring... weighing a combined 420 lbs... from El Paso, Texas... Here are Thunder & Lightning... Wrath of the Storm!!
~ The Yardies cheer as "It's Midnight And I'm Not Famous Yet" by Jimmy Buffett begins to play. Thunder and Lightning come out to the new music, smiling at each other before going into a posing battle, showing off their muscles to themselves and the crowd. They then head for the ring. ~
Zybala: Wrath of the Storm rocking new music from my buddy Jimmy B for their debut in The Yard!
Dean: Man, I'll take anything but "Margaritaville". They play that shit way too much.
Zybala: Ain't that the truth…
~ Thunder and Lightning are trying to psych each other up by doing their traditional battle cry. The music dies down and Belvedere continues. ~
Belvedere: and their opponents….. Hailing from the Starship Desolator….. weighing in at a combined weight of (looks closer at his card) "All the love in the universe".... Representing Sports Entertainment Xpress…. This is Major Helmet and Bug Girl!!!
~ The opening power cord of "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness starts playing as Bug Girl and Major Helmet make their way into The Yard. The duo are holding hands as they walk down the lawn towards the ring. The Yardies are rocking out to the pair's theme song, many of them are drunkenly trying to hit the high notes. They get to the ring and the speakers stop playing, but the song doesn't. The Yardies keep singing and vocalizing the guitar solo. S.E.X. encourages this as Thunder and Lightning look nervous! The fans liking S.E.X. better will hurt Wrath's new merchandise deal, courtesy of Jimmy Buffet. The fans finally finish and break out into cheers and chants! ~
Yardies: WE ARE AWESOME!! (clap clap clapclapclap) WE ARE AWESOME!! (clap clap clapclapclap)
~The fans stop chanting and the main event is set to begin when The Mariachi band begins to play “Si Senor” By Control Machete. The Yardies begin to boo as from the side the POS lowrider pulls up with the Tag Team Champions sitting on the hood of it, Vanessa being behind the wheel. Both teams look at the Malvados as if expecting an attack but the Malvados, after posing for their adoring yardies with their titles, simply wave at the two teams and instead set up two lawn chairs on top of the hood of the lowrider, take a seat and motion that they are only here to watch.~
Zybala: The Champions coming to get a closer look at their possible next opponent, that’s all Dean. I’m sure they are not here to get involved.
Dean: If you believe that sucka, then you probably also believe I’m coming out of retirement to challenge the Janitor for the title.
Zybala: What?! Really?
Dean: No.
Zybala: Oh come on. That would be an awesome match!
~Vanessa passes them a cooler full of Dos Equis beer and also a pinata.~
Zybala: I don’t trust that pinata Dean.
Dean: Come on now, you are being very culturally insensitive right now.
~One of the brothers, let’s say Hector digs into the pinata and begins to toss some candy, and surprisingly, burritos at the crowd who of course cheer the bad guys, who don't love free stuff? Back in the ring, Mitch calls for the bell now that he’s sure nothing is going down. Major Helmet and Thunder start with a classic lock up. The two mighty warriors struggle against each other trying to push their opponent back, but neither men move an inch. Thunder and Helmet break from each other and nod. Thunder grabs Helmet and whips him into the ropes. Helmet charges back with a clothesline and Thunder ducks. Helmet keeps running and hits the other ropes. He stops as he grabs Thunder and throws him at the ropes. On the rebound, Helmet bends over but Thunder leaps over him and keeps going. Helmet stands up and Thunder bounces back and hits him with a shoulder block! Helmet staggers back a little bit but is still standing. Thunder challenges Helmet to "come at me bro!" Helmet runs to the ropes to build momentum and hits Thunder with a shoulder block, who still stands! The two look at each other and run at opposite ropes. They bounce off and collide in the middle of the ring and both fall to the mat. The crowd cheers for the action as Helmet and Thunder very sloppily kip-up to their feet. ~
Zybala: These two aren't giving an inch and the fans are liking it!
Dean: Not all the fans, sucka…
~ The camera pans over to The Malvados, who are booing and jeering and trying to throw candy into the ring. Some go in, some go wide. ~
Victor: Ustedes son basura! (You guys are trash)
Hector: ¡Nos están haciendo perder el tiempo! (you're wasting our time)
Both: Que aburrido!! (clap) Que aburrido!! (clap) - (This is boring!)
~ Helmet and Thunder try to ignore the jeers. Lightning picks up a nearby Jolly Rancher, unwraps it and pops it in his mouth. Bug Girl cheers on her partner. Helmet runs at Thunder and jumps up on his shoulders and hits a very slow hurricanrana!! Helmet moves down at a snail's pace, but has his legs wrapped tight around Thunder's head, so he gets dragged down. Thunder hits the mat gently and somersaults free of Helmet's legs. Both men get to their feet and Thunder charges Helmet. Helmet hits a hip toss, and Thundr tries to flip all the way over but lands on his knees instead of his feet. Despite the pain, Thunder swipes at Helmet's legs, who avoids it with a Oompa Loompa-esq cartwheel. Helmet throws a wild kick at Thunder's head, who dodges by rolling with a back somersault. He gets to his feet and glares at Helmet, who nods in acknowledgement. While to us it looks like they're moving with the grace of a 5 year old Gymnastics class, they think they're going like Will Osprey vs Ricochet! They both run at opposite ropes, jump on the middle rope and try to backflip off of them. Key word is try as Thunder lands hard on his back. Helmet gets more of a rotation, but not much as he lands on the top of his helmet! Both men are in pain as their partners and The Yardies cheer them on. The Malvados continue to boo. ~
Hector: Mi abuela pelea mejor que ustedes! (My grandma fights better!)
Victor: ¡Y ella es como Allton, no piernas! (and she got no legs like Allton!)
Dean: Do you understand what they're saying?
Zybala: I understand abuela, but that's about it. My last Spanish class was about twenty years ago.
Dean: You're in your thirties?!
Zybala: Yeeeah???
Dean: I thought you were like 24…
Zybala: Thank you. But back to the action! Helmet and Thunder are crawling to their corners.
Dean: Which sucka will get the tag first?!
~ The sucka is Thunder! He reaches Lightning first and makes the tag. He jumps in the ring and runs at Helmet, who's crawling towards the reaching Bug Girl. They are about to touch when Lightning grabs Helmet's legs and drags him away. Bug Girl looks dejected as her chance to shine is gone for now. Lighting drags Helmet to the middle of the ring and attempts a figure four, but Helmet kicks him away! Lightning stumbles forward as Helmet scoots back to his corner and makes the tag! The Yardies cheer as Bug Girl jumps over the ropes and takes Lightning down with a clothesline! She then runs at Thunder and forearms him in the face, knocking him off the apron and to the grass below! ~
Hector: Anoche me cogi a tu mama! (I slept with your Mom last night)
Victor: Y me dijo: Si! Si! Si! (and she said, yes, yes, yes ala Daniel Bryant)
Bug Girl: My mother is in space, pendejo!
~ The Malvados look stunned. Bug Girl turns her attention back to Lightning, who is getting back to his feet. She knocks him back down with a spinning heel kick! With Lightning down, Bug Girl hits the ropes and springs off of them with a Lionsault! Helmet cheers while also looking dejected that his girlfriend is outshining him. It's a mix of pride and shame. Bug Girl doesn't go for the pin. Instead she climbs to the top rope. She looks ready to fly but Thunder reaches in and pulls Lightning out of the ring. Bug Girl leaps at the duo but gets caught! ~
Zybala: B.G. was looking like she wanted to Squash Lightning, but now is in a bad way!
Dean: Not for long, sucka! Here comes Helmet!
~ Helmet comes charging around the ring and uses his helmeted head as a battering ram against Thunder's side. Thunder crumples, leaving Lightning to hold B.G. by himself. The four start brawling and the fans are loving it! The cheers turn to boos as Tank and Vincenzo run into The Yard! Tank charges at Thunder and Helmet and takes them both down with a double spear! Vinny boots Lightning in the face, who is still holding Bug Girl. She lands on top of Lightning and crawls over to check on Helmet. Tank and Vincenzo look smug as Mitch calls for the bell, throwing the match out. ~
Zybala: And another attack from The Family!
Dean: They want in the tag title scene, sucka! It's a sign that people are taking notice of Outsiders!
Zybala: Wait! What the hell is Victor doing?!
~ The look of smugness disappears when Tank is hit in the back of the head with a pinata! Candy sprays everywhere as Tank slowly turns to see Victor a few feet away, obviously being the one who threw the pinata. Victor runs back to the low rider where Hector is waiting in the driver seat. The car takes off as soon as Victor leaps into the backseat before The Family can give chase. They shrug before going back to the house. ~
Dean: Is it me or does it feel we're getting weirder with less actual winners with each show.
Zybala: That's the nature of the game some time. Maybe we'll have actual winners on the next show. For President Dean, I'm Mike Zybala wishing you all Good Fight, Good Night.