Righteous Rumble Pre-Show!~!
Dec 19, 2020 0:16:03 GMT -6
Deana Barrows, zybala, and 2 more like this
Post by Jack Puffer on Dec 19, 2020 0:16:03 GMT -6
Ominous Voice From Above: Ten years ago GCWA held a Pre-Show event that would change the very face of professional wrestling.
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Ominous Voice From Above: Ten years ago GCWA held a Pre-Show event that would alter the course of professional wrestling for years to come.
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Ominous Voice From Above: A decade ago GCWA held a Pre-Show that would entertain millions all around the globe.
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Ominous Voice From Above: A decade ago GCWA held a Pre-Show that would draw massive ratings…
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Ominous Voice From Above: Ten years ago GCWA held a Pre-Show that many experts within the industry felt was a pretty solid effort.
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Ominous Voice From Above: Ten years ago, a decade to some, GCWA held a Pre-Show that entertained the chosen few for whom it was made…
…
Director’s Voice: Guys, I think we got it.
*Cheers*
Cut to a local Dallas area High School. Standing outside is Jones. He looks cold. He’s wearing a mustard colored blazer and brown slacks.*
Jones: Hey there, fans! Welcome to the Righteous Rumble Pre-Show! I’m your outdoor host, Jones. I’m not really sure what the outdoor host does that the indoor hosts don’t but...I was told to be out here, so here I am. Our other hosts tonight are GCWA legends Dean and The Big Bifford. Let’s see what Dean is up to…
Cut inside where Dean is standing next to a group of about five or six fans. They appear middle aged*
Dean: What’s up, sucka Jones!
Jones: Not much, how’s it going inside?
Dean: Nice and warm, how’s it going outside?
Jones: Well, it’s no inside but, I’ll survive.
Dean: Haha. Terrific. Well we’ve got a great lineup for all of you brave enough to tune in. We’re here LIVE from a GCWA legends convention. A bunch of former GCWA stars have arrived with merchandise to sell. Maybe pay some outstanding bills. Keep a roof over their heads.
Jones: Got a shot of any already set up?
Dean: Why yes. Right over here we’ve got the ‘Many Faces of Arryk Rage’ Booth…
We cut to a bare spot in the corner
Dean: Hmm. Okay, I’m being told he no-showed the event.
Jones: It happens.
Dean: Alot, apparently. We’re also going to have a musical act toward the end of the evening from...you guessed it. Tommy Flamer and THE FLAMEHEADS!
Jones: Is it true this is the first time they’ve performed in nearly ten years?
Dean: Yes. When you burn yourself alive during every set you can only perform so often.
Jones: Surely Flamer has ceased the self conflagration.
Dean: I can’t say for sure. All I know is that they will be here and they will be performing Wham’s Christmas Classic “LAST CHRISTMAS.”
Jones: Great. Now, we’ll check back with Dean in a few minutes. Next, let’s cut to The Big Bifford who, I’m told, is hanging out near the cafeteria. Bifford, how are ya?
Bifford smiles at the camera.
Bifford: Greetings, friends.. I’m here, as you can see, with rotating pies.
The camera zooms out and shows Bifford is standing next to a large display case in which 11 pies are rotating automatically in a circle. Apple, cherry, strawberry rhubarb, lemon cream, coconut cream, a meat pie, key lime pie, pecan, chocolate cream, and two pies that have signs inserted that say BIFFORD’S PIES OF CHICKEN.
Bifford: Ladies and gentlemen.. rotating pies.
The few people gathered around Bifford clap for the pies as the scene changes to Jones. Who is still outside. Cold. Shivering.
Jones: Thanks for that, Bifford. Save me that rhubarb pie if you don’t mind. Love me some rhubarb.
Jones pauses for a moment, tasting rhubarb. He licks his lips. Before it gets too awkward, he resumes speaking.
Jones: And now, our special guest host...GCWA Hall of Famer, Lurrr! Let’s cut to Lurrr!
Camera cuts to a nearby bar. It’s dark and quiet. Lurrr is found seated at the bar, enjoying a mug of beer in silence. We watch him. And watch him. And watch him. He takes a sip. He places the mug back on the counter. He reaches into his pocket and removes a can of SNUFF and places a generous wad in his bottom lip. He slides the can back into his pocket. We cut away
Jones: And there he is, fans! Lurrr! What a legend! But tonight isn’t JUST about legends. It’s also about those looking to become legends. The Righteous Rumble will go a long way in deciding that. Let’s swing it back inside where Dean has done some detective work. Dean?
We cut to Dean who is inside
Dean: Whew, getting kinda warm in here. Might have to take this coat off.
It’s a split screen. Dean removing his coat while Jones hugs himself, shivering outside. Dean tosses his leather jacket to the side...as he does, the movement swipes Jones away. NEATO EDITING.
Dean: That’s right, suckas. One thing that’s been prevalent in this year’s rumble is the addition of ANONYMOUS. By my exact count there are SEVERAL slots slated for Anonymous wrestlers. And, well, I think I’ve found one out. A certain ‘legend’ set to appear also happens to be semi-active on the roster.
Dean motions for the camera to follow him
Dean: I’m talking about the one...the only...DANGEROUS DAN! And his booth is right over...HERE!
Dean rounds a corner. The camera follows. We see a group of people huddled around a pile of garbage
Dean: What happened?
Fan: We’re not sure. We found it like this.
Dean: Did Dan forget to build his booth?
Fan: No. It was built. Somebody must have destroyed it.
Dean: Damn. This is why Dan can’t have nice things. Well I’ll see if I can’t find someone to fix this right away. It looks like Dan’s scheduled appearance has drawn at least a dozen fans.
Dean steps into the hallway and spots an older looking man walking by. He reaches out
Dean: Yo, sucka. We need to reset the Dangerous Dan booth.
The man swipes Dean’s hand away...we suddenly recognize the man as one half of the GCWA Tag Team Champions - TERRY MARSHALL!
Terry Marshall: Brother, an interview would be amazing because I got something to get off these percolating pecktorials, ya know my chest brother. Ya know I came down here looking for the Big Biffard, I really want to try and body slam that big Brother.
Dean: Well he's around, just not sure where (probably the food court). But you'll likely get that opportunity in the Rumble, sucka! Speaking of...I'm hearing a lot of rumors swirling that you're ducking Sins of the Fathers this Sunday. Are those rumors true?
Terry Marshall: Brother, I've never ducked anything in my life. Madness and Dark Lord won those titles, and so they are going to defend those titles, while I'm going on to win this rumble tomorrow night dude. I've never backed down from a fight in my life, and if Marcus or Xavier still want some, than they can come get some.
Dean: I knew Xavier and Marcus' fathers. They committed a lot of sins. But I'd say their biggest sin was producing those two suckas! Ha ha ha! Speaking of the Rumble, I won one of those back in ICWF. Not like it's a big deal or anything. How confident are you heading into the Righteous Rumble? And who are some names that strike you as major contenders?
Terry Marshall: Brother, I wouldn't have even come to Kansa if I wasn't 100% confident that I was going to be the last man standing at the end of the rumble. As far as major contenders, there is no one that measures up to these anacondas brother, but you'd be a fool... WHICH I AM NOT, to not see the numbers are on the side of Legacy in the rumble brother. Then you got Big Biffard, throwing him over the top rope will take a real feat of strength, but I tell ya right now I'm up to it brother.
Dean: Of that I have no doubt, Thundering Terry! Any guesses on who Anonymous may be? All kinds of rumors are swirling...names from Matt Meyhu to Curt Canon to Squeaky McPhee have been thrown around.
Terry Marshall: Squeaky McPhee? Brother, I got no idea who Anonymous is, and quite frankly I don't care who it is, because if they get on my way, over the top they go.
Dean: I like that confidence...like a clap of thunder! The winner of the Righteous Rumble has a date IN THE RING against the GCWA Champion. James Raven defends the GCWA Title against Mack O'Connor. Any predictions as to who walks out with the biggest prize in the business?
Terry Marshall: Honestly, whoever wins the championship is just keeping it warm for me until January. But, I think Mack is too much man for Raven, and is going to make him is prison bitch.
Dean: You certainly have the confidence a competitor needs to complete the task set in front of you, sucka! Any last words before we wrap this bitch up?
Terry Marshall: Yeah Brother and those word are, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all the Sexmaniacs, and I'm sorry to all the Thunderamaniacs out there that looked up to me and the Sports Entertainment Xpress as role models. I thought I needed the darkness, I thought we had to fight fire with fire, but brother I was wrong. And I'm not letting the sun go down on my back, while I'm dressed in black. BROTHER TOO SWEET TERRY MARSHALL IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THUNDERING TERRY MARSHALL!
Marshall grabs his black bandana pulling it off revealing a red "S.E.X" bandanna. Marshall grabs his NWO sleeveless shirt and rips it off revealing a yellow "Thundermania" tank top on underneath. Marshall throws the torn shirt to a small crowd that has gathered and begins posing. We cut back to a very cold Jones - outside.
Jones: Thanks for that wonderful and totally unexpected, not at all planned impromptu interview with Outcast, Dean.
Jones stands outside. He’s still shivering
Jones: I’m also being told that Dangerous Dan’s booth has been reconstructed. Let’s cut over there to see Dan signing autographs with his beloved fans.
We cut back to Dan’s booth. It’s a pile of rubble
Jones: Oh dear. It appears that, once again, someone has destroyed Dan’s booth. Can we get some help in there to rebuild it for the greatest wrestler in history with a five hundred record? Thanks.
A team of builders rush in, reconstructing the booth. We focus back on Jones
Jones: And...let’s check back in with Lurrr. See how he’s doing.
Cut to the bar from before. Lurrr is still seated at the bar. He finishes a long sip of beer. He snares a plastic cup and spits a giant wad of brown fluid into the cup. He snorts. He grabs his beer and takes another sip, finishing it off. He motions toward the bartender. Another beer is handed over. We cut back to Jones
Jones: The man oozes charisma, folks. Alright, I’m told The Big Bifford is standing by with something important. So let’s head that way!
We cut to Bifford. Bifford smiles at the camera, using a napkin to wipe some red stuff off of his face.
Bifford: I’m here at the rotating pie case, checking on the pies.. they are, in fact, still rotating.
The camera pans to the side and shows the pie case with 10 pies still rotating – the cherry pie seems to be gone.
Bifford: This rotating machine seems to be a solid investment for GCWA.. Congrats to those who made this day a reality. I only wish Kenny, Earl, and Boris were here to see this.. sadly they’ve all gone missing. I have no idea where they are.
Bifford picks up a milk container and shows it has pictures of the three of them badly taped to it. He then takes a sip of the milk to wash down the cherry pie he just consumed and swallows loudly and proudly.
Bifford: If you have any information on the whereabouts of these three men, please call the number on your screen.
A number is displayed on the screen briefly before the scene changes back outside where Jones is huddled over, blowing as much hot air into his freezing hands as possible.
Jones: Thanks for that, Bifford. Missing adults is no laughing matter. Let’s hope all three of those wonderful souls are found safe and sound before the holidays roll around. Now, let’s cut back inside to the high school gymnasium where I’m told many of the GCWA legends are entertaining lucky fans with stories of times past!
We cut inside. It is, in fact, a gymnasium. Several booths featuring former GCWA wrestlers are shown. Set up. Merch. Photos. You name it. There are, however, very few fans. Maybe like 20. It’s a sad scene, overall. Standing in the middle of the gymnasium is Dean. He’s holding a basketball.
Dean: I know what you suckas must be asking...am I good at basketball? Well, you tell me.
Dean takes off and leaps from the free throw line for a tomahawk dunk. He falls way short and winds up tumbling to the ground. Making a fairly impressive save, he tucks and rolls, popping back to his feet. He flashes a smile. The smile fades as he feels the heat of someone staring at him. Judging him. He slowly turns his head to the left and spots...THE LOST SOUL.
Dean: Geezus, sucka. You snuck up on me! You didn't see that dunk, did you? See you're still rocking the face paint. Great, great.
TLS: I think I heard something pop. You're not as young as you once were.
Dean: Too bad I don't wear face paint to hide it, right? Haha, just messin with ya, sucka! So what brings you to the GCWA Retired Wrestler Convention/Righteous Rumble Pre-Show?
TLS: I was invited by Anonymous. Told me they wanted me here.
Dean: So...you know who Anonymous is, eh sucka? Care to spill the cabbage? Rumors have been swirling...names from Matt Meyhu to Josie Barnes to Slutty McJizz have been thrown around.
TLS: I don't know. The letter wasn't signed. And it had no return address.
Dean: Oh wow, that sounds very serial killerish. I hope you have protection.
TLS: there is no protection from the Dark. It will engulf you and consume you. Then it spits you out into the world and you will be nothing more than a droplet that contains a vitus. And you will go and infect the world.
Dean puts on his mask
Dean: Well, okay. So about this Righteous Rumble...any names in the field you see as potential favorites?
TLS: none of the people in this Rumble are righteous. They will all suffer..
Dean: Sounds kind of ominous. At whose hands will they suffer?
TLS: the Barrows.......
Dean: Well I can't really argue that. Ace is back, though. You remember Ace, right? I hear he's in a wheelchair these days...wonder if I can get my rematch, steal an easy win
TLS: Does Ace remember me?
Dean: Wish I could answer that. I've apparently been in Outsiders around Zybala the past few years. I'm sure if he saw the face paint he'd remember. So, Mack O'Connor against James Raven...who wins?
TLS: the Transporter vs Hannibal King? I think the Transporter takes it
TLS: Fuck Warstein
Dean nods, realizing that the dramatic pause worked
Dean: So I'm guessing you are anti-legacy. Think you'll ever get that rematch against Warstein? I think hes' got the NA Title you never received a shot for...despite your golden opportunity
TLS: what legacy? Their leader was handed the belt. I already beat Warstein. He should be asking me for a shot.
Dean: But he has the title. The title Chelsea LeClair defended with honor and dignity.
TLS: the title has lost it's luster...I remember a time when championship didn't run away from competition
Dean: Back in our day, eh? So you got anything else you wanna add, sucka? You got a booth around here for fans to meet you and talk about GCWA times past?
TLS: 2020 brought death and destruction. 2021 will bring something far worse... prepare yourselves...
Dean: Ominous, dark, and foreboding words from The Lost Soul. Back to you, Jones!
We cut back to Jones. He’s running in place, trying to stay warm.
Jones: Great stuff, Dean. Truly great. Always a pleasure to see TLS and his face paint on GCWA television. Whew...it’s so cold.
Jones pauses. Staring along the horizon. The sun seems to be setting.
Jones: Oh dear. We need to hurry this up. Alright, let’s send it back to Lurrr, our special guest this evening.
We cut back to Lurrr. He’s still in the bar. Atop his stool. He’s halfway through a mug of beer. He spits a giant wad of mess into his cup...it’s almost full. The impact makes a splash that causes a bit of spillage. He wipes it up with a napkin. He coughs. Reaching down, he scratches his ass. We cut back to Jones.
Jones: There he is...Lurrr, everybody! And now...wait, what’s this? Finally! I’m told Dan’s booth is back up and running...let’s check it out.
Sending it to Dan’s booth we find a rubble of wood. It’s been destroyed, yet again. Silence. We cut back to Jones.
Jones: Dang it. Whoever is destroying Dangerous Dan’s booth would you please stop? I’m told people are actually waiting in line to meet him! So please...STOP DESTROYING DAN’S BOOTH. Alright...shit it’s cold...okay, let’s cut back to Biffford.
Bifford tosses an empty pie plate to the side and looks at the camera as though he was caught slightly off guard.
Bifford: We’re here to check in on the rotating pies..
Bifford turns to the side and the camera pans over to show there are only 7 pies left in the case. Cherry, Apple, Lemon Cream, and Key Lime all appear to be gone.
Bifford: They definitely continue to rotate. Onward and upward, delicious pies.
Bifford gives a thumbs up to the pies as the scene changes to Jones. He’s hopping back and forth, doing whatever he can to create heat.
Jones: Something is off about those pies. Oh well...that rhubarb pie looks delightful. Save that one for me, Biff!
We cut to a quick shot of Biff. He’s eyeing the pies. We cut back to Jones.
Jones: Hope he heard me. Alright, let’s head back to Dean. I’m told he’s visiting the Bucky Johnson booth.
Dean is standing by, watching two overweight, sloppy fans converse with Bucky Johnson.
Bucky Johnson: And as I was being wheeled out of the hospital, post surgery, a shooting took place and I got shot in the leg putting me back in the hospital and forcing me to miss another scheduled date for GCWA.
Fan 1: Wow.
Fan 2: That story never gets old, no matter how many times you tell it.
Dean: About that story, Bucky.
Bucky Johnson: What do you want, Dean?
Dean: Just how in the hell did a shooting break out in a hospital? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Are you sure you didn’t make it up to excuse a no show?
Bucky Johnson: Question me all you want but at least...at least my booth is still standing, unlike Dan’s.
Dean: Well, you have a point there.
Bucky Johnson: Besides, if you think I’m so scared to compete...how about you challenge me to a match, huh?
Dean: I mean, sure.
Bucky Johnson: Great. Fine. It’s on.
Bucky steps out from behind his booth. Suddenly, a voice screams out.
Voice: HE’S GOT A GUN!
A gunshot sounds. Bucky crumbles to the ground.
Bucky Johnson: Ah! My leg! He shot me in the leg!
Everybody looks for the shooter, but they’ve apparently absconded the premises. Dean looks into the camera and shrugs as Bucky wails in the background, holding his bleeding knee. We cut back to Jones, outside. He’s on his knees, leaning forward, arms wrapped around his body, trying to create more body heat.
Jones: Goodness gracious. That was horrific. Bucky Johnson has terrible luck when it comes to shootings at the most unsuspecting locations. Brr...BRRR...I feel like I’m gonna freeze to death. Let’s cut to Bifford real quick...get another look at that rhubarb pie.
Bifford looks at the camera as it shows him throwing another empty pie tin to the side. Bifford looks a little bit sick.
Bifford: Still here with the pies.. Let’s check on their status.
Bifford looks into the case and only five pies remain. Strawberry Rhubarb and Coconut Cream have gone missing. Bifford walks up to the glass display and shakes it a bit.
Bifford: The display is solid and the pies continue to rotate. Thank you for checking in here with the pies.
Bifford looks like he might get sick as the scene changes to Jones and his super sad expression.
Jones: Seriously? I’m out here freezing my tail off and you couldn’t be bothered to save me a piece of rhubarb pie? There is no GOD!
The sky rattles with thunder. Jones looks up, petrified.
Jones: Shit. Let’s, umm, let’s cut back to Lurrr!
Lurrr remains seated at the bar. A fresh mug of beer is placed in front of him. He digs the wad of chaw from his lip and drops it into the full cup of spit. The bartender carefully picks it up and throws it away. A few moments pass. Lurrr removes his can of dip and takes out another wad, securing it behind his lip. He takes a sip of beer. The bartender brings him a new spit cup. We cut back to Jones. It’s snowing outside.
Jones: J-J-Jones here. It’s beginning to snow. I’m being told I c-c-can’t come inside. But some g-g-good news, fans. D-d-dan’s booth is back up and running. Let’s ch-ch-check it out.
We cut inside. It’s so warm that our view is wavy. We spot Dan’s booth...or well, what’s left of it. It’s once again reduced to rubble.
Jones: Dang it. Seriously. It’s not funny anymore. Stop destroying Dangerous Dan’s booth! Seriously! He’s a serious competitor with tons of fans! You’re ruining people’s fan experience...whoever you are! Ugh...so cold...back to Dean.
We cut to Dean, inside the gymnasium. He’s down to just a cut off sleeve shirt and shorts...it’s so damn warm on the inside. Walking around, he looks for someone to interview. He spots a familiar face.
Dean: No way!
Hustling over, he taps the shoulder of a large, athletic man. The man turns around, he’s holding a can of SILVERCOLA. He’s very much incognito with shades and a cap.
Dean: Silverfreak?
SiLVeRFReaK: Shh Dean. Shit.
Dean: Sorry. Damn sucka, I thought you filed a restraining order against me.
SiLVeRFReaK: I did.
Dean: Oh.
Dean looks around for cops.
SiLVeRFReaK: Relax. I’m not gonna alert anyone...as long as you don’t ask me to join OCW again. I’m just here to watch Tommy Flamer and the FLAMEHEADS.
Dean: So you’re the one.
SiLVeRFReaK nods, taking a sip of Silver Cola.
Dean: You gonna tune in to the Righteous Rumble on Sunday?
SiLVeRFReaK: Probably. You know I love rumbles. Remember when I competed as Hannibal years ago in OCW?
Dean: Sure do, sucka! You nearly won!
SiLVeRFReaK: SHOULD have won, but I’m over it. Kind of.
Dean: Got any predictions for a Righteous Rumble final four?
SiLVeRFReaK: Let me see the list. All those head shots. Memory isn’t what it used to be.
Dean can relate. He pulls up the list. Freak looks through it.
SiLVeRFReaK: I’m going to go...Cartier...Xavier Lux...Thunder Knuckles...and my personal favorite, Mike Zybala.
Dean: Damn. You know Lux is Scorpion’s son, right?
SiLVeRFReaK: Seriously?
Dean: Yep.
SiLVeRFReaK: Fuck that guy. Alright, Lux is out. In his place I’ll put...Warstein.
Dean: Alright, there you have it! Pro Wrestling legend Silverfreak has predicted Cartier, Warstein, Zybala, and Thunder Knuckles to make the final four of the Righteous Rumble!
SiLVeRFReaK: You’re gonna blow my cover, asshole.
Dean: Sorry. Hey...before you go. You know Bifford has, ya know, been building a feud against you for almost twenty years. He still thinks there’s gonna be a match.
SiLVeRFReaK: Not gonna happen.
Dean: He says you fear him.
SiLVeRFReaK: I don’t.
Dean: He murdered several people to set this match up. Do you think you owe it to Cocco Ricci’s family to face him? The Toothfairy’s family?
SiLVeRFReaK: Damnit, Dean. Fine...I have one thing to say to The Big Bifford…
A midget appears, tugging at Freak’s leg.
SiLVeRFReaK: Yes?
Midget: They’re getting started!
Dean and Freak turn, spotting Tommy Flamer and the FLAMEHEADS taking the stage.
SiLVeRFReaK: Gotta run.
Freak takes off. Dean turns to the camera.
Dean: Sorry, Biff.
We cut back outside. Jones is laying down, in the fetal position, shivering. He can barely speak.
Jones: B-b-biff.
The camera is pointed where BIfford used to be, but he’s not there. The camera then pans to the side and shows that only the two BIFFORD’S PIES OF CHICKEN remain as pecan, chocolate cream, and the non-human meat pie have gone missing. They are, however, still rotating. The home viewer is able to watch the rotating for about 60 seconds, as this was supposed to be filled with Bifford talking, but he’s obviously eaten the pies and is getting sick somewhere. We cut back to Jones. He’s still shivering. He mumbles...we get subtitles.
Lurrr is still seated at the bar. He finishes his beer and slides the mug away. He nods at the bartender. She returns with a fresh mug. Lurrr leans back and stretches. He cracks his knuckles and then his neck. He leans ahead, placing his elbows on the bar top. We cut back to Jones, who remains freezing and shaking.
We cut to Dan’s booth. People stand over it. It’s, again, a pile of rubble. The people all shake their heads, disappointed. We zoom in on a bit of pie crust littered atop the rubble. We cut back to Jones. He’s basically convulsing at this point.
To the gymnasium, we go. Tommy Flamer takes the mic with the FLAMEHEADS behind him. They all look like wannabe methheads.
Tommy Flamer: THAT’S RIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS! THIS ONE IS FOR THAT DICK SMOKIN BITCH NAMED SCOTT SYREN! EAT MY DICK YOU FUCKIN DICK SUCKING BITCH ASS FUCKER!
Flamer is very fired up. THE FLAMEHEADS say things like “Good one, Tommy!” “You really got him, Tommy!” “ZING!” Flamer nods, feeling very proud.
Tommy Flamer: LIFE IS ALL ABOUT SILVER MUSTANGS AND HOT BITCHES IN SILVER THONGS. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN GIVE ME A FLAME ON!
A few people yell FLAME ON! And by few, I mean THE FLAMEHEADS.
Tommy Flamer: ALRIGHT, HOLD ON TO YOUR DICKS YOU FUCKIN PUSSIES BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO RING IN THE YULETIDE!
Flamer strikes his guitar. It sounds terrible. More awful noises ring out. Flamer steps up to the mic.
Tommy Flamer: Last Christmas I gave you my cock
And baby you sucked and sucked and sucked
This year, to spread out some cheer
I'll give it to other bitches
Last Christmas I gave you my cock
And baby you sucked and sucked and sucked (and sucked and sucked)
This year, to spread out some cheer
I'll give it to other bitches (bitches)
Once sucked and twice blown
I keep my distance because my schlong is so long
Tell me ho, do you like how it tastes?
Doesn’t matter. Keep suckin me off.
Last Christmas I gave you my cock
And baby you sucked and sucked and sucked
This year, to spread out some cheer
I'll give it to other bitches
Tommy doesn’t think the crowd is fired up enough. So, he grabs a can of gasoline.
FLAMEHEAD: Tommy...not yet! Tommy, wait!
Tommy douses himself in gasoline.
FLAMEHEAD: No Tommy, no!
Tommy unveils a lighter. He strikes a flame and bursts into fire!! The music comes to a screeching halt. People scream! Tommy runs around before leaping off the stage with a swanton bomb. He lands back first on the hard gym floor. It’s chaos. People screaming and running. We cut back to Jones.
Person: Um, hello, sir...are you okay?
Jones isn’t moving. He’s not responding. The person kicks at Jones. His body moves in a very frigid manner.
Person: I THINK HE’S FROZEN! GET HELP!
The captioning takes over.
The camera is still pointed at the two rotating pies in the large display case. Suddenly the camera shifts to the side and shows television's sweetheart Martha Stewart walking up to the pies.
Martha: Where the fuck are my pies? I was told this was a serious pie competition.. and what do I find? Just my idiot ex-husband Bifford’s pies.. WHERE ARE MY PIES? I WANT MY RIBBON! I ALWAYS WIN FIRST PLACE!
Martha looks around as though looking for someone who is in charge. Nobody appears to be around.
Martha: I hate that man.. and I know he wouldn’t be able to make a good pie..
Opening the display case Martha takes out the “chicken” pie, grabs a fork and takes a bite.
Martha (moaning out): Oh wow.. this is delicious. I’ve always wanted chicken to taste just like this.. Just incredible. Amazing. What on earth has Bifford been up to?
She continues talking to nobody in particular and walks away, eating the pie directly out of the tin as the scene changes to…
Fade out
CUT.
Ominous Voice From Above: Ten years ago GCWA held a Pre-Show event that would alter the course of professional wrestling for years to come.
CUT.
Ominous Voice From Above: A decade ago GCWA held a Pre-Show that would entertain millions all around the globe.
CUT.
Ominous Voice From Above: A decade ago GCWA held a Pre-Show that would draw massive ratings…
CUT.
Ominous Voice From Above: Ten years ago GCWA held a Pre-Show that many experts within the industry felt was a pretty solid effort.
CUT.
Ominous Voice From Above: Ten years ago, a decade to some, GCWA held a Pre-Show that entertained the chosen few for whom it was made…
…
Director’s Voice: Guys, I think we got it.
*Cheers*
WELCOME TO THE RIGHTEOUS RUMBLE PRE-SHOW!
Brought to you by - Ramen Flavored Oreos. For the purest of wrestling fans who are too broke to afford dinner AND dessert. Ramen Flavored Oreos.
Cut to a local Dallas area High School. Standing outside is Jones. He looks cold. He’s wearing a mustard colored blazer and brown slacks.*
Jones: Hey there, fans! Welcome to the Righteous Rumble Pre-Show! I’m your outdoor host, Jones. I’m not really sure what the outdoor host does that the indoor hosts don’t but...I was told to be out here, so here I am. Our other hosts tonight are GCWA legends Dean and The Big Bifford. Let’s see what Dean is up to…
Cut inside where Dean is standing next to a group of about five or six fans. They appear middle aged*
Dean: What’s up, sucka Jones!
Jones: Not much, how’s it going inside?
Dean: Nice and warm, how’s it going outside?
Jones: Well, it’s no inside but, I’ll survive.
Dean: Haha. Terrific. Well we’ve got a great lineup for all of you brave enough to tune in. We’re here LIVE from a GCWA legends convention. A bunch of former GCWA stars have arrived with merchandise to sell. Maybe pay some outstanding bills. Keep a roof over their heads.
Jones: Got a shot of any already set up?
Dean: Why yes. Right over here we’ve got the ‘Many Faces of Arryk Rage’ Booth…
We cut to a bare spot in the corner
Dean: Hmm. Okay, I’m being told he no-showed the event.
Jones: It happens.
Dean: Alot, apparently. We’re also going to have a musical act toward the end of the evening from...you guessed it. Tommy Flamer and THE FLAMEHEADS!
Jones: Is it true this is the first time they’ve performed in nearly ten years?
Dean: Yes. When you burn yourself alive during every set you can only perform so often.
Jones: Surely Flamer has ceased the self conflagration.
Dean: I can’t say for sure. All I know is that they will be here and they will be performing Wham’s Christmas Classic “LAST CHRISTMAS.”
Jones: Great. Now, we’ll check back with Dean in a few minutes. Next, let’s cut to The Big Bifford who, I’m told, is hanging out near the cafeteria. Bifford, how are ya?
Bifford smiles at the camera.
Bifford: Greetings, friends.. I’m here, as you can see, with rotating pies.
The camera zooms out and shows Bifford is standing next to a large display case in which 11 pies are rotating automatically in a circle. Apple, cherry, strawberry rhubarb, lemon cream, coconut cream, a meat pie, key lime pie, pecan, chocolate cream, and two pies that have signs inserted that say BIFFORD’S PIES OF CHICKEN.
Bifford: Ladies and gentlemen.. rotating pies.
The few people gathered around Bifford clap for the pies as the scene changes to Jones. Who is still outside. Cold. Shivering.
Jones: Thanks for that, Bifford. Save me that rhubarb pie if you don’t mind. Love me some rhubarb.
Jones pauses for a moment, tasting rhubarb. He licks his lips. Before it gets too awkward, he resumes speaking.
Jones: And now, our special guest host...GCWA Hall of Famer, Lurrr! Let’s cut to Lurrr!
Camera cuts to a nearby bar. It’s dark and quiet. Lurrr is found seated at the bar, enjoying a mug of beer in silence. We watch him. And watch him. And watch him. He takes a sip. He places the mug back on the counter. He reaches into his pocket and removes a can of SNUFF and places a generous wad in his bottom lip. He slides the can back into his pocket. We cut away
Jones: And there he is, fans! Lurrr! What a legend! But tonight isn’t JUST about legends. It’s also about those looking to become legends. The Righteous Rumble will go a long way in deciding that. Let’s swing it back inside where Dean has done some detective work. Dean?
We cut to Dean who is inside
Dean: Whew, getting kinda warm in here. Might have to take this coat off.
It’s a split screen. Dean removing his coat while Jones hugs himself, shivering outside. Dean tosses his leather jacket to the side...as he does, the movement swipes Jones away. NEATO EDITING.
Dean: That’s right, suckas. One thing that’s been prevalent in this year’s rumble is the addition of ANONYMOUS. By my exact count there are SEVERAL slots slated for Anonymous wrestlers. And, well, I think I’ve found one out. A certain ‘legend’ set to appear also happens to be semi-active on the roster.
Dean motions for the camera to follow him
Dean: I’m talking about the one...the only...DANGEROUS DAN! And his booth is right over...HERE!
Dean rounds a corner. The camera follows. We see a group of people huddled around a pile of garbage
Dean: What happened?
Fan: We’re not sure. We found it like this.
Dean: Did Dan forget to build his booth?
Fan: No. It was built. Somebody must have destroyed it.
Dean: Damn. This is why Dan can’t have nice things. Well I’ll see if I can’t find someone to fix this right away. It looks like Dan’s scheduled appearance has drawn at least a dozen fans.
Dean steps into the hallway and spots an older looking man walking by. He reaches out
Dean: Yo, sucka. We need to reset the Dangerous Dan booth.
The man swipes Dean’s hand away...we suddenly recognize the man as one half of the GCWA Tag Team Champions - TERRY MARSHALL!
Terry Marshall: Brother, an interview would be amazing because I got something to get off these percolating pecktorials, ya know my chest brother. Ya know I came down here looking for the Big Biffard, I really want to try and body slam that big Brother.
Dean: Well he's around, just not sure where (probably the food court). But you'll likely get that opportunity in the Rumble, sucka! Speaking of...I'm hearing a lot of rumors swirling that you're ducking Sins of the Fathers this Sunday. Are those rumors true?
Terry Marshall: Brother, I've never ducked anything in my life. Madness and Dark Lord won those titles, and so they are going to defend those titles, while I'm going on to win this rumble tomorrow night dude. I've never backed down from a fight in my life, and if Marcus or Xavier still want some, than they can come get some.
Dean: I knew Xavier and Marcus' fathers. They committed a lot of sins. But I'd say their biggest sin was producing those two suckas! Ha ha ha! Speaking of the Rumble, I won one of those back in ICWF. Not like it's a big deal or anything. How confident are you heading into the Righteous Rumble? And who are some names that strike you as major contenders?
Terry Marshall: Brother, I wouldn't have even come to Kansa if I wasn't 100% confident that I was going to be the last man standing at the end of the rumble. As far as major contenders, there is no one that measures up to these anacondas brother, but you'd be a fool... WHICH I AM NOT, to not see the numbers are on the side of Legacy in the rumble brother. Then you got Big Biffard, throwing him over the top rope will take a real feat of strength, but I tell ya right now I'm up to it brother.
Dean: Of that I have no doubt, Thundering Terry! Any guesses on who Anonymous may be? All kinds of rumors are swirling...names from Matt Meyhu to Curt Canon to Squeaky McPhee have been thrown around.
Terry Marshall: Squeaky McPhee? Brother, I got no idea who Anonymous is, and quite frankly I don't care who it is, because if they get on my way, over the top they go.
Dean: I like that confidence...like a clap of thunder! The winner of the Righteous Rumble has a date IN THE RING against the GCWA Champion. James Raven defends the GCWA Title against Mack O'Connor. Any predictions as to who walks out with the biggest prize in the business?
Terry Marshall: Honestly, whoever wins the championship is just keeping it warm for me until January. But, I think Mack is too much man for Raven, and is going to make him is prison bitch.
Dean: You certainly have the confidence a competitor needs to complete the task set in front of you, sucka! Any last words before we wrap this bitch up?
Terry Marshall: Yeah Brother and those word are, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all the Sexmaniacs, and I'm sorry to all the Thunderamaniacs out there that looked up to me and the Sports Entertainment Xpress as role models. I thought I needed the darkness, I thought we had to fight fire with fire, but brother I was wrong. And I'm not letting the sun go down on my back, while I'm dressed in black. BROTHER TOO SWEET TERRY MARSHALL IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THUNDERING TERRY MARSHALL!
Marshall grabs his black bandana pulling it off revealing a red "S.E.X" bandanna. Marshall grabs his NWO sleeveless shirt and rips it off revealing a yellow "Thundermania" tank top on underneath. Marshall throws the torn shirt to a small crowd that has gathered and begins posing. We cut back to a very cold Jones - outside.
Jones: Thanks for that wonderful and totally unexpected, not at all planned impromptu interview with Outcast, Dean.
Jones stands outside. He’s still shivering
Jones: I’m also being told that Dangerous Dan’s booth has been reconstructed. Let’s cut over there to see Dan signing autographs with his beloved fans.
We cut back to Dan’s booth. It’s a pile of rubble
Jones: Oh dear. It appears that, once again, someone has destroyed Dan’s booth. Can we get some help in there to rebuild it for the greatest wrestler in history with a five hundred record? Thanks.
A team of builders rush in, reconstructing the booth. We focus back on Jones
Jones: And...let’s check back in with Lurrr. See how he’s doing.
Cut to the bar from before. Lurrr is still seated at the bar. He finishes a long sip of beer. He snares a plastic cup and spits a giant wad of brown fluid into the cup. He snorts. He grabs his beer and takes another sip, finishing it off. He motions toward the bartender. Another beer is handed over. We cut back to Jones
Jones: The man oozes charisma, folks. Alright, I’m told The Big Bifford is standing by with something important. So let’s head that way!
We cut to Bifford. Bifford smiles at the camera, using a napkin to wipe some red stuff off of his face.
Bifford: I’m here at the rotating pie case, checking on the pies.. they are, in fact, still rotating.
The camera pans to the side and shows the pie case with 10 pies still rotating – the cherry pie seems to be gone.
Bifford: This rotating machine seems to be a solid investment for GCWA.. Congrats to those who made this day a reality. I only wish Kenny, Earl, and Boris were here to see this.. sadly they’ve all gone missing. I have no idea where they are.
Bifford picks up a milk container and shows it has pictures of the three of them badly taped to it. He then takes a sip of the milk to wash down the cherry pie he just consumed and swallows loudly and proudly.
Bifford: If you have any information on the whereabouts of these three men, please call the number on your screen.
A number is displayed on the screen briefly before the scene changes back outside where Jones is huddled over, blowing as much hot air into his freezing hands as possible.
Jones: Thanks for that, Bifford. Missing adults is no laughing matter. Let’s hope all three of those wonderful souls are found safe and sound before the holidays roll around. Now, let’s cut back inside to the high school gymnasium where I’m told many of the GCWA legends are entertaining lucky fans with stories of times past!
We cut inside. It is, in fact, a gymnasium. Several booths featuring former GCWA wrestlers are shown. Set up. Merch. Photos. You name it. There are, however, very few fans. Maybe like 20. It’s a sad scene, overall. Standing in the middle of the gymnasium is Dean. He’s holding a basketball.
Dean: I know what you suckas must be asking...am I good at basketball? Well, you tell me.
Dean takes off and leaps from the free throw line for a tomahawk dunk. He falls way short and winds up tumbling to the ground. Making a fairly impressive save, he tucks and rolls, popping back to his feet. He flashes a smile. The smile fades as he feels the heat of someone staring at him. Judging him. He slowly turns his head to the left and spots...THE LOST SOUL.
Dean: Geezus, sucka. You snuck up on me! You didn't see that dunk, did you? See you're still rocking the face paint. Great, great.
TLS: I think I heard something pop. You're not as young as you once were.
Dean: Too bad I don't wear face paint to hide it, right? Haha, just messin with ya, sucka! So what brings you to the GCWA Retired Wrestler Convention/Righteous Rumble Pre-Show?
TLS: I was invited by Anonymous. Told me they wanted me here.
Dean: So...you know who Anonymous is, eh sucka? Care to spill the cabbage? Rumors have been swirling...names from Matt Meyhu to Josie Barnes to Slutty McJizz have been thrown around.
TLS: I don't know. The letter wasn't signed. And it had no return address.
Dean: Oh wow, that sounds very serial killerish. I hope you have protection.
TLS: there is no protection from the Dark. It will engulf you and consume you. Then it spits you out into the world and you will be nothing more than a droplet that contains a vitus. And you will go and infect the world.
Dean puts on his mask
Dean: Well, okay. So about this Righteous Rumble...any names in the field you see as potential favorites?
TLS: none of the people in this Rumble are righteous. They will all suffer..
Dean: Sounds kind of ominous. At whose hands will they suffer?
TLS: the Barrows.......
Dean: Well I can't really argue that. Ace is back, though. You remember Ace, right? I hear he's in a wheelchair these days...wonder if I can get my rematch, steal an easy win
TLS: Does Ace remember me?
Dean: Wish I could answer that. I've apparently been in Outsiders around Zybala the past few years. I'm sure if he saw the face paint he'd remember. So, Mack O'Connor against James Raven...who wins?
TLS: the Transporter vs Hannibal King? I think the Transporter takes it
TLS: Fuck Warstein
Dean nods, realizing that the dramatic pause worked
Dean: So I'm guessing you are anti-legacy. Think you'll ever get that rematch against Warstein? I think hes' got the NA Title you never received a shot for...despite your golden opportunity
TLS: what legacy? Their leader was handed the belt. I already beat Warstein. He should be asking me for a shot.
Dean: But he has the title. The title Chelsea LeClair defended with honor and dignity.
TLS: the title has lost it's luster...I remember a time when championship didn't run away from competition
Dean: Back in our day, eh? So you got anything else you wanna add, sucka? You got a booth around here for fans to meet you and talk about GCWA times past?
TLS: 2020 brought death and destruction. 2021 will bring something far worse... prepare yourselves...
Dean: Ominous, dark, and foreboding words from The Lost Soul. Back to you, Jones!
We cut back to Jones. He’s running in place, trying to stay warm.
Jones: Great stuff, Dean. Truly great. Always a pleasure to see TLS and his face paint on GCWA television. Whew...it’s so cold.
Jones pauses. Staring along the horizon. The sun seems to be setting.
Jones: Oh dear. We need to hurry this up. Alright, let’s send it back to Lurrr, our special guest this evening.
We cut back to Lurrr. He’s still in the bar. Atop his stool. He’s halfway through a mug of beer. He spits a giant wad of mess into his cup...it’s almost full. The impact makes a splash that causes a bit of spillage. He wipes it up with a napkin. He coughs. Reaching down, he scratches his ass. We cut back to Jones.
Jones: There he is...Lurrr, everybody! And now...wait, what’s this? Finally! I’m told Dan’s booth is back up and running...let’s check it out.
Sending it to Dan’s booth we find a rubble of wood. It’s been destroyed, yet again. Silence. We cut back to Jones.
Jones: Dang it. Whoever is destroying Dangerous Dan’s booth would you please stop? I’m told people are actually waiting in line to meet him! So please...STOP DESTROYING DAN’S BOOTH. Alright...shit it’s cold...okay, let’s cut back to Biffford.
Bifford tosses an empty pie plate to the side and looks at the camera as though he was caught slightly off guard.
Bifford: We’re here to check in on the rotating pies..
Bifford turns to the side and the camera pans over to show there are only 7 pies left in the case. Cherry, Apple, Lemon Cream, and Key Lime all appear to be gone.
Bifford: They definitely continue to rotate. Onward and upward, delicious pies.
Bifford gives a thumbs up to the pies as the scene changes to Jones. He’s hopping back and forth, doing whatever he can to create heat.
Jones: Something is off about those pies. Oh well...that rhubarb pie looks delightful. Save that one for me, Biff!
We cut to a quick shot of Biff. He’s eyeing the pies. We cut back to Jones.
Jones: Hope he heard me. Alright, let’s head back to Dean. I’m told he’s visiting the Bucky Johnson booth.
Dean is standing by, watching two overweight, sloppy fans converse with Bucky Johnson.
Bucky Johnson: And as I was being wheeled out of the hospital, post surgery, a shooting took place and I got shot in the leg putting me back in the hospital and forcing me to miss another scheduled date for GCWA.
Fan 1: Wow.
Fan 2: That story never gets old, no matter how many times you tell it.
Dean: About that story, Bucky.
Bucky Johnson: What do you want, Dean?
Dean: Just how in the hell did a shooting break out in a hospital? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Are you sure you didn’t make it up to excuse a no show?
Bucky Johnson: Question me all you want but at least...at least my booth is still standing, unlike Dan’s.
Dean: Well, you have a point there.
Bucky Johnson: Besides, if you think I’m so scared to compete...how about you challenge me to a match, huh?
Dean: I mean, sure.
Bucky Johnson: Great. Fine. It’s on.
Bucky steps out from behind his booth. Suddenly, a voice screams out.
Voice: HE’S GOT A GUN!
A gunshot sounds. Bucky crumbles to the ground.
Bucky Johnson: Ah! My leg! He shot me in the leg!
Everybody looks for the shooter, but they’ve apparently absconded the premises. Dean looks into the camera and shrugs as Bucky wails in the background, holding his bleeding knee. We cut back to Jones, outside. He’s on his knees, leaning forward, arms wrapped around his body, trying to create more body heat.
Jones: Goodness gracious. That was horrific. Bucky Johnson has terrible luck when it comes to shootings at the most unsuspecting locations. Brr...BRRR...I feel like I’m gonna freeze to death. Let’s cut to Bifford real quick...get another look at that rhubarb pie.
Bifford looks at the camera as it shows him throwing another empty pie tin to the side. Bifford looks a little bit sick.
Bifford: Still here with the pies.. Let’s check on their status.
Bifford looks into the case and only five pies remain. Strawberry Rhubarb and Coconut Cream have gone missing. Bifford walks up to the glass display and shakes it a bit.
Bifford: The display is solid and the pies continue to rotate. Thank you for checking in here with the pies.
Bifford looks like he might get sick as the scene changes to Jones and his super sad expression.
Jones: Seriously? I’m out here freezing my tail off and you couldn’t be bothered to save me a piece of rhubarb pie? There is no GOD!
The sky rattles with thunder. Jones looks up, petrified.
Jones: Shit. Let’s, umm, let’s cut back to Lurrr!
Lurrr remains seated at the bar. A fresh mug of beer is placed in front of him. He digs the wad of chaw from his lip and drops it into the full cup of spit. The bartender carefully picks it up and throws it away. A few moments pass. Lurrr removes his can of dip and takes out another wad, securing it behind his lip. He takes a sip of beer. The bartender brings him a new spit cup. We cut back to Jones. It’s snowing outside.
Jones: J-J-Jones here. It’s beginning to snow. I’m being told I c-c-can’t come inside. But some g-g-good news, fans. D-d-dan’s booth is back up and running. Let’s ch-ch-check it out.
We cut inside. It’s so warm that our view is wavy. We spot Dan’s booth...or well, what’s left of it. It’s once again reduced to rubble.
Jones: Dang it. Seriously. It’s not funny anymore. Stop destroying Dangerous Dan’s booth! Seriously! He’s a serious competitor with tons of fans! You’re ruining people’s fan experience...whoever you are! Ugh...so cold...back to Dean.
We cut to Dean, inside the gymnasium. He’s down to just a cut off sleeve shirt and shorts...it’s so damn warm on the inside. Walking around, he looks for someone to interview. He spots a familiar face.
Dean: No way!
Hustling over, he taps the shoulder of a large, athletic man. The man turns around, he’s holding a can of SILVERCOLA. He’s very much incognito with shades and a cap.
Dean: Silverfreak?
SiLVeRFReaK: Shh Dean. Shit.
Dean: Sorry. Damn sucka, I thought you filed a restraining order against me.
SiLVeRFReaK: I did.
Dean: Oh.
Dean looks around for cops.
SiLVeRFReaK: Relax. I’m not gonna alert anyone...as long as you don’t ask me to join OCW again. I’m just here to watch Tommy Flamer and the FLAMEHEADS.
Dean: So you’re the one.
SiLVeRFReaK nods, taking a sip of Silver Cola.
Dean: You gonna tune in to the Righteous Rumble on Sunday?
SiLVeRFReaK: Probably. You know I love rumbles. Remember when I competed as Hannibal years ago in OCW?
Dean: Sure do, sucka! You nearly won!
SiLVeRFReaK: SHOULD have won, but I’m over it. Kind of.
Dean: Got any predictions for a Righteous Rumble final four?
SiLVeRFReaK: Let me see the list. All those head shots. Memory isn’t what it used to be.
Dean can relate. He pulls up the list. Freak looks through it.
SiLVeRFReaK: I’m going to go...Cartier...Xavier Lux...Thunder Knuckles...and my personal favorite, Mike Zybala.
Dean: Damn. You know Lux is Scorpion’s son, right?
SiLVeRFReaK: Seriously?
Dean: Yep.
SiLVeRFReaK: Fuck that guy. Alright, Lux is out. In his place I’ll put...Warstein.
Dean: Alright, there you have it! Pro Wrestling legend Silverfreak has predicted Cartier, Warstein, Zybala, and Thunder Knuckles to make the final four of the Righteous Rumble!
SiLVeRFReaK: You’re gonna blow my cover, asshole.
Dean: Sorry. Hey...before you go. You know Bifford has, ya know, been building a feud against you for almost twenty years. He still thinks there’s gonna be a match.
SiLVeRFReaK: Not gonna happen.
Dean: He says you fear him.
SiLVeRFReaK: I don’t.
Dean: He murdered several people to set this match up. Do you think you owe it to Cocco Ricci’s family to face him? The Toothfairy’s family?
SiLVeRFReaK: Damnit, Dean. Fine...I have one thing to say to The Big Bifford…
A midget appears, tugging at Freak’s leg.
SiLVeRFReaK: Yes?
Midget: They’re getting started!
Dean and Freak turn, spotting Tommy Flamer and the FLAMEHEADS taking the stage.
SiLVeRFReaK: Gotta run.
Freak takes off. Dean turns to the camera.
Dean: Sorry, Biff.
We cut back outside. Jones is laying down, in the fetal position, shivering. He can barely speak.
Jones: B-b-biff.
The camera is pointed where BIfford used to be, but he’s not there. The camera then pans to the side and shows that only the two BIFFORD’S PIES OF CHICKEN remain as pecan, chocolate cream, and the non-human meat pie have gone missing. They are, however, still rotating. The home viewer is able to watch the rotating for about 60 seconds, as this was supposed to be filled with Bifford talking, but he’s obviously eaten the pies and is getting sick somewhere. We cut back to Jones. He’s still shivering. He mumbles...we get subtitles.
AND NOW, LET’S CUT TO THE GUEST OF HONOR FOR TONIGHT’S SHOW. THE INCREDIBLE, UNBEATABLE LURRR!!!
Lurrr is still seated at the bar. He finishes his beer and slides the mug away. He nods at the bartender. She returns with a fresh mug. Lurrr leans back and stretches. He cracks his knuckles and then his neck. He leans ahead, placing his elbows on the bar top. We cut back to Jones, who remains freezing and shaking.
AND NOW LET’S CUT TO THE BOOTH FOR GCWA’S MOST EXCITING STAR, DANGEROUS DAN! WHICH I’M TOLD IS REBUILT AND READY FOR ACTION!
We cut to Dan’s booth. People stand over it. It’s, again, a pile of rubble. The people all shake their heads, disappointed. We zoom in on a bit of pie crust littered atop the rubble. We cut back to Jones. He’s basically convulsing at this point.
AND NOW...A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY TOMMY FLAMER AND THE flameheads!!!!
To the gymnasium, we go. Tommy Flamer takes the mic with the FLAMEHEADS behind him. They all look like wannabe methheads.
Tommy Flamer: THAT’S RIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS! THIS ONE IS FOR THAT DICK SMOKIN BITCH NAMED SCOTT SYREN! EAT MY DICK YOU FUCKIN DICK SUCKING BITCH ASS FUCKER!
Flamer is very fired up. THE FLAMEHEADS say things like “Good one, Tommy!” “You really got him, Tommy!” “ZING!” Flamer nods, feeling very proud.
Tommy Flamer: LIFE IS ALL ABOUT SILVER MUSTANGS AND HOT BITCHES IN SILVER THONGS. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN GIVE ME A FLAME ON!
A few people yell FLAME ON! And by few, I mean THE FLAMEHEADS.
Tommy Flamer: ALRIGHT, HOLD ON TO YOUR DICKS YOU FUCKIN PUSSIES BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO RING IN THE YULETIDE!
Flamer strikes his guitar. It sounds terrible. More awful noises ring out. Flamer steps up to the mic.
Tommy Flamer: Last Christmas I gave you my cock
And baby you sucked and sucked and sucked
This year, to spread out some cheer
I'll give it to other bitches
Last Christmas I gave you my cock
And baby you sucked and sucked and sucked (and sucked and sucked)
This year, to spread out some cheer
I'll give it to other bitches (bitches)
Once sucked and twice blown
I keep my distance because my schlong is so long
Tell me ho, do you like how it tastes?
Doesn’t matter. Keep suckin me off.
Last Christmas I gave you my cock
And baby you sucked and sucked and sucked
This year, to spread out some cheer
I'll give it to other bitches
Tommy doesn’t think the crowd is fired up enough. So, he grabs a can of gasoline.
FLAMEHEAD: Tommy...not yet! Tommy, wait!
Tommy douses himself in gasoline.
FLAMEHEAD: No Tommy, no!
Tommy unveils a lighter. He strikes a flame and bursts into fire!! The music comes to a screeching halt. People scream! Tommy runs around before leaping off the stage with a swanton bomb. He lands back first on the hard gym floor. It’s chaos. People screaming and running. We cut back to Jones.
Person: Um, hello, sir...are you okay?
Jones isn’t moving. He’s not responding. The person kicks at Jones. His body moves in a very frigid manner.
Person: I THINK HE’S FROZEN! GET HELP!
The captioning takes over.
AND NOW, TO BIFFORD!
The camera is still pointed at the two rotating pies in the large display case. Suddenly the camera shifts to the side and shows television's sweetheart Martha Stewart walking up to the pies.
Martha: Where the fuck are my pies? I was told this was a serious pie competition.. and what do I find? Just my idiot ex-husband Bifford’s pies.. WHERE ARE MY PIES? I WANT MY RIBBON! I ALWAYS WIN FIRST PLACE!
Martha looks around as though looking for someone who is in charge. Nobody appears to be around.
Martha: I hate that man.. and I know he wouldn’t be able to make a good pie..
Opening the display case Martha takes out the “chicken” pie, grabs a fork and takes a bite.
Martha (moaning out): Oh wow.. this is delicious. I’ve always wanted chicken to taste just like this.. Just incredible. Amazing. What on earth has Bifford been up to?
She continues talking to nobody in particular and walks away, eating the pie directly out of the tin as the scene changes to…
Fade out
