Post by zybala on Jan 9, 2020 8:56:55 GMT -6
You've read the set up before. You've seen the yard. You know what to expect. But what's this?!?! Amidst the familiar scene of lawn chairs of every variety, the cooler of free beer and juice, and the refrigerator box announce table, the ring is covered by a large tarp. Why? Was it damaged? Is it being protected from the elements? I guess we'll find out together. We also see Mitch and Zybala sitting on opposite ends of the announce "table." They have some kind of cards in their hands. Both pondering intently at their cards. Mitch places one face down and moves more cards on the table to the side and places one face up. That's right kids, it's the backyard wrestling tradition of mother fucking Yu-Gi-Oh! Let's watch.
Mitch: I sacrifice the Red Eyes Baby Chick to special summon Red Eyes Black Dragon, but he won't be around for long because I sack him to bring out Red Eyes Darkness Dragon. Then I remove from play my Armed Dragon Level 3 to special summon Red Eyes Darkness Metal Dragon. Then I use Metal Dragon's special ability to bring back my regular Red Eyes to the field. Now I start my attack phase.
Zybala: Jesus. How many dragons do you have to special summon?
Mitch: That's all... For this turn. But what you doing about my attack?
Zybala quickly checks all his face down cards until he finds what he's looking for. He flips it up.
Zybala: Negate Attack, broski. You got anything else?
Mitch: Nah. Your go.
Zybala draws his card and smiles. He takes a card and shows Mitch, it's Pot Of Greed(may be tourney banned, but this is the yard, fool) Zybala draws two more cards. He then takes four cards from his hand and places them face up.
Zybala: I use Polymerazation to fuse my 3 Blue Eyes White Dragons to get Ultimate Blue Eyes, but to save time, I'm using defusion on it to send Ultimate to the graveyard and get my three Blue Eyes on the field.
Zybala leaves his three dragons out and tosses Defusion and Poly and his Ultimate Blue Eyes to the graveyard. Mitch then flips a trap card!!
Mitch: Just Desserts! You have three dudes so lose 1500 points and that's game.
Zybala: What?! But I was gonna summon Obelisk!
Mitch: Always watch out for traps dude. G.G.
Zybala: G.G.
They clean up their mess as Dean walks in the yard.
Dean: Time for the shows suckas! Clean up your shit and take your places!!
Mitch heads next to the ring as Zybala straightens up the announce table. The Yardies enter the yard to take their seats and are intrigued by the tarp over the ring. When all are seated, Dean looks expectantly at Zybala, who does nothing.
Dean: Where's the music sucka???
Zybala: You don't get music this week. Not after that Meyhu shit you pulled.
Dean: I did it for the fans! I used the money for a big surprise for everyone.
Zybala: If you needed money, you could have asked! I want this to work as much as you do.
Dean: Well now I know sucka. Just do your job, play my music and eat your damn Lunchable!!
Mitch, who was lighten a blunt, looks at Zybala with excitement.
Mitch: You have Lunchables?!?
Zybala: Only one and it's the pizza so back off. It's my agreed payment for my work until Dean starts making real money. I got you some Doritos though.
Zybala reaches under the "table" and pulls out a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and tosses it to the ref. Mitch catches it, opens the bag and goes to town on the tasty treats. Dean looks at Zybala. Zybala doesn't budge.
Zybala: This is your punishment dude. You promised me no pros. Nothing but home grown talent here.
Dean: Come on, give me a pass. I swear I did it for the fans.
Zybala: Then we'll let the fans decide. Do you guys think I should forgive Dean?!?
One fan: He DOES give us free beer.
The rest of the adult fans cheer and start chanting "Dean" over and over. Zybala shrugs and taps away on the laptop and a few seconds later "Do Funk" plays on the speakers as Dean grins. He walks next to the ring, waving his arms in the air trying to pump up the fans along the way. When he gets next to the ring, the music stops.
Dean: YEEEEAH!!! What's up suckas?!?!?! Welcome to the fourth episode of Dystopia!!!! Before we get to the action. I have a surprise for you all. After a generous donation..
Zybala: Blood money!!
Dean: A Fucking Donation!! We were able to go out and upgrade the ring! No we didn't get a whole new ring. We just fixed up everything that needed fixing, like the ropes!
Zybala: And the posts, and the mats, and the boards and the...
Dean: ANYWAYS!! Without further fucking ado, Mitch?
Dean and Mitch stand on opposite sides of the ring and grab the tarp. They both pull and walk away from the ring and the tarp comes off. The ring looks.....better? I mean, it still looks like its seen better days, but there have been improvements. The ropes look safe, the corner pads are actual turnbuckle pads and not pillows duct taped to the corner. The canvas is new and not ripped and blood stained. The spirit is still there, but it's cleaner. The fans ooh and ahh as Dean gets in the ring and shows it off.
Dean: YEEEAAAHH!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!?! With our ring being upgraded for the safety of our wrestlers, we just continue to show how much better we are than that other punkass OCW that isn't even running! Suck it Buffet, and suck it Welsh you whiny punkass bitch! "Oh look at me. I got kidnapped. I'm gonna sue then have my lawyer change my diaper." I beat the rap and now on with the show!!
Dean then leaves the ring and sits next to Zybala as Annie and Mitch climb into the ring. Annie raises her microphone, Zybala raises the volume, and here....we...go.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first. He resides from The Vista View Trailer Park, weighing in at, his words, "200 pounds of keeping a bitch in check", "Wifebeater' Billy Thomas.
"Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong" plays over the speakers as Billy walks out to the boos of the fans. Billy doesn't care though. Billy thinks that he is better than the Yardies, especially the women. He flips off the fans as he climbs into the ring. He pushes Annie slightly out of his way as he goes to lean against the turnbuckles. Billy is a piece of shit. Although flustered, Annie is a professional and continues.
Annie: And his opponent, hailing from wherever his trailer rolls, representing The National Mullet Association. He is Tony The Spider!!
"Boyz in the Bright White Sports Car" by Trooper plays over the speakers as Tony makes his way down the driveway wearing his trusty fanny pack. The fans cheer as Tony passes them and gives high fives to the crowd. Before getting in to ring, Tony stops at the community cooler and grabs a beer. He enters the ring and Mitch calls for the bell. Thomas charges for The Spider but stops short when Tony holds up one finger. Tony then opens his beer and starts drinking. Thomas starts to complain but Tony holds up his finger again.
Zybala: The Wifebeater wanted to charge in with a head of steam but his was stopped short by a single finger.
Dean: No matter what trailer park you come from, you always respect the beer.
While this is normally true, it doesn't matter to Billy Thomas. He smacks the beer out of Tony's hand. The fans boo as the can flies through the air and lands on the ground. Tony looks on in horror as the inebriating liquid slowly drips out of the can. The horror is soon replaced by anger as Tony raises his head to glare at Billy. Billy sneers smugly as he tells Tony to "do something about it." Tony quickly raises his hand and just pimp smacks the shit out of Billy. The Wifebeater stumbles back holding his face. He looks at The Spider with shock.
Billy: I ain't no woman!!!
Billy then gives Tony a slap of his own, before Tony responds once again in kind. This results in the two grown men getting into a slap fight.
Zybala: These too are slapping each other like the other owes them money!
Dean: Pimps can take a few lessons from these guys! How I Met Your Mother ain't got shit on us!
Tony has just gotten slapped and looking to retaliate but Billy blocks the slap and hits a headbutt right to Tony's forehead. Both men stumble back from the blow and Billy is first to recover. He grabs Tony's arm and applies a hammerlock. Billy is really wrenching the arm as Tony yells in pain. Tony keeps trying to grab the ropes but Billy keeps dragging him towards the center of the ring. In a last ditch effort, Tony starts shaking his head, causing his long mullet hair to hit Billy in the face. Billy is annoyed by this but the hair causes his nose to start itching and suddenly Billy starts having a sneezing attack.
Dean: That is the first time I've ever seen a mullet uses like that! Quick thinking from the Spider.
Zybala: With Billy's eyes all watery, this would be the perfect time for Tony to act.
Tony goes up to a still sneezing Billy and goes for a scoop slam but gets sneezed on right on the face instead. As the snot covers Tony's face, he starts to freak out, rips off his shirt and tries to clean up. Billy at this point has stopped sneezing and see Tony distracted with his back turned. He sneaks up behind the Spider and rolls him up in a pin. Mitch makes the count!!
Mitch: One!
Two!
Kickout!
Tony indeed has kicked out and slides out of the ring and runs towards the house. He goes to the hose, turns it on and rinses off his face. He uses the clean side of his shirt to wipe away the water and runs back to the ring and enters. Billy is waiting for him and grabs Tony as soon as he enters and tries for a headlock but Tony's still wet head allows him to slip out and he locks a Full Nelson on the Wifebeater.
Dean: The dreaded Father Nelson!
Zybala: The Wifebeater looks to be in real trouble here.
Tony keeps the hold locked in for a moment before releasing Billy and spinnning him around to face him. Tony then grabs Billy in a bear hug and starts to spin around and around.
Dean: The Spider Roll!! Tony's patented spinning bear hug!!!
Zybala: The hell you find that?!? I looked everywhere on our website and couldn't find any bio for him.
Dean: We go way back.
Tony finishes spinning and let's down the Wifebeater. Both men stumble around trying to stop being so dizzy. Billy does the smart thing and starts spinning in the opposite direction that Tony spun him. The Spider, still wobbly, reaches into his fanny pack and pulls out a pair of brass knuckles and slides them on his hand. Billy stops spinning just in time to see Tony swinging a wild, off balanced punch, which is easily dodged. When Tony regains his footing and turns towards Billy only to get met with...
Zybala: The Bitch Thump!
Dean: Never have I've seen such a devastating backhand!
Tony drops like a trailer falling out of a tornado! Billy goes for the cover!
Mitch: One...
Two.....
THREE!!
Annie: Here is your winner, "The Wifebeater" Billy Thomas..
Billy Thomas stands up with his arms raised in victory as the crowd boos and his music plays. He exits the ring and heads down the driveway flipping off and swearing the Yardies as he passes by. Billy doesn't care that there are small kids in the crowd. Billy is a piece of shit
Dean: Another match and another win for The Wifebeater, much to the dismay of the crowd.
Zybala: Nobody likes a woman beater, partner. Well, except for other woman beaters. The fans are hungry for someone to stop this undefeated streak Billy Thomas is on.
Dean: Speaking of hungry, INTERMISSION SUCKAS!!
Emilo enters the yard with a big ass tray of hotdogs and burgers and buns and condiments, and sets them on a picnic table. The crowd rushes up to the table and Emilo starts selling food left and right. The Yardies get their food grab the buns and add their favorite toppings. The food is almost gone and Zybala sees this. He waits in line and when he finally gets to the front, there is one last burger.
Zybala: I'll take that last burger Em.
Emilo: You got it Z-man. Gotta warn you though. It's a veggie burger.
Zybala looks at the patty in horror for a moment before looking pitifully at Emilo.
Emilo: I know, but it was all that was left. Tell you what, it's on the house.
Zybala grumbles a form of thanks. He takes the abomination and grabs a hamburger bun. He then grabs the ketchup and mustard only to find both bottles empty! Desperate, he then grabs the jar of relish only to find that empty as well. Will the horror ever end?!? Zybala grabs his plain veggie burger and brings it back to the announce "table." He places the "burger" down and then heads towards the house, maybe to wash his hands or get a drink. Who knows. As soon as the door shuts, we see a well groomed man enter the yard. It's The Shadow Dancer!! He is holding a Wendy's bag and tries to sneak to the announce table, though Dean notices him when he gets to the table. The Shadow Dancer takes the veggie burger and leaves the Wendy's bag. He then looks at a confused Dean.
TSD: Tell Zybala I said enjoy the unhealthy grease and carbs!! And tell him I had his gym membership cancelled!!
Shadow Dancer then starts to laugh evily has he turns to exit the yard. Zybala then reenters the yard holding a can of Pepsi and goes up to the announce table. He notices the veggie "burger" gone and the Wendy's bag in its place. He gives an inquisitive look at Dean.
Dean: Dude, that sucka Shadow Dancer just came in the yard, stole your burger like you give a fuck about eating healthy and left you Wendy's.
Zybala cautiously opens the bag then unwraps the burger. It is a baconator. Zybala looks like he's going to cry tears of joy.
Zybala: I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS SHADOW DANCER!!!
We hear the faint sounds of more evil laughter. Apparently TSD thinks Zybala is upset. Whatever helps the dude sleep at night. Anyways, Zybala happily begins to eat his real burger and Annie does in the ring and does her thing.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first, he comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
"Niggaz Jump Up" get played on YouTube and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy struts to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He winks at Annie, obviously not remembering how she shot him down the last time. The music stops and Annie continues.
Annie: And his opponent, Hailing from Miami, Florida, weighing 117 pounds, she is "The Better Carter" Bri Carter!
Zybala cues up "Bitch Came Back" on the YouTube as Bri makes here way to the ring, high fiving a few fans on the way. She enters the ring and stretches a bit as Guy stares with a big grin on his face. Annie leaves the ring and Mitch calls for the bell.
Zybala: Here we go fans. Our second and final match of the night.
Dean: Both of these Suckas are looking for their first win in Outsiders.
Bri walks up to Guy with her arms open looking to lock up in the traditional collar and elbow, but all Guy sees is a pretty girl with her arms spread wide. Guy quickly takes advantage and goes in for a hug. Bri is so shocked she allows Guy to hug her, but then a weird look befalls her face. She sniffs, and the look turns to one of disgust. She breaks the hug and pushes Guy away.
Carter: Ewwww! When was the last time you showered?!?!
Cashe: This morning baby. That's just my natural musk you be smelling. Oh, and my ma's washer and dryer have been broke about a week.
Carter: What the shit!! I'm not fighting you smelling like that!!
Mitch: I got this.
Mitch reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a can of Old Spice body spray and proceeds to spray down the smelly "thug." After Mitch is done, Bri takes a cautious sniff then shrugs her shoulders. She then quickly kicks Guy in the midsection and applies a headlock.
Dean: After a brief stall, the action is finally under way!
Zybala: I told you he smelled funky earlier. At least he's passable enough for Bri to get close and lock in that headlock. She is really squeezing Guy's head.
Guy does appear to be in peril. He grabs Bri's arms and tries to pull then apart, but it's apparent that she works out more than he does. Guy then tries to lift Bri, who just counters by wrapping her leg around his and prevents the lift. Running out of options, Guy does the only thing he can think of. He reaches his arm back and gives Bri a slap on her butt. A look of shock crosses her face as Bri releases her hold. She glares at Guy as he rubs his neck. Mitch had witnessed the ass smack and is giving Guy his first and final warning about keeping his hands respectful
Zybala: Mitch is right in there with a stern but fair warning to Cashe about ass touching.
Dean: Unlike Buffet or Welsh, we don't tolerate any sexual harassment here in Outsiders!
Guy apologizes to Bri and stretches out his arms for a hug. Not having any of it, Bri smacks Guy across his face. At first Guy looks shocked, then looks hurt. Not physically hurt, but emotionally. He charges at Bri and pushes her into the corner and stares flailing his arms at her, akin to a temper tantrum. Mitch pulls Guy away as Bri walks out of the corner more flustered than hurt. Guy gets around Mitch and kicks Bri in the gut, doubling her over. He then tucks her head between his legs.
Dean: Does anyone Got A Dollar?!?
Zybala: Not this time buddy, but it looks like thats what Guy is going for. His signature powerbomb!
Dean: Is it really signature if he's never been able to use it??
Before Zybala can answer, Guy surprisingly lifts up Bri, but she just slides down his back before he can drop her with the powerbomb. Guy turns to face Bri and she starts nailing h with forearm after forearm, pushing him towards the ropes. Guy his leaning against the ropes but not for long as Bri whips him to the opposite side. As he bounces back, Bri turns and leaps in the air, knocking Guy down with her version of the Rear View. As Guy falls, Bri does a little booty pop to the cheers of the fellas in the crowd. She then thinks about going for the cover, but decided against it. Bri drags Guy to his feet and sets him up for a D.D.T. Before she can drop him, Guy spreads his legs to get more balance. He then swings his one arm back, with his hand shaped like he is holding a bowling ball.
Cashe: CLAM SLAM!!
Before he can swing his arm forward and parents have to answer questions they weren't prepared to answer today, Mitch grabs Guy's arms and pulls him free from Bri. He then gets in Guy's face, yelling at him.
Mitch: That shit ain't cool man!! This is your absolute last warning, like ever. For this match or future matches. Cut that shit out!
As Guy is distracted by the yelling, Bri comes from behind and grabs Guy's head, bends him backwards and drops him with an Inverted D.D.T.!!!
Zybala: Bri Zone from out of somewhere!!!!
Dean: Cashe was too busy getting yelled at to see it coming! Get your pin girl!!
Bri pins a prone Guy and Mitch goes down on the mat to make the count. However they are to close to the ropes and Mitch notices Guy's foot under the ropes. He taps Bri on the shoulder and let's her know. She looks at the ropes and then groans in frustration. She drags Guy's scrawny frame to the middle of the ring and goes for the pin again. Mitch starts the count.
Mitch: One......
Two.....
Thr.. No!
Much to the dismay of Bri, Guy was able to recover enough in all that time to cut out. Bri stands up and yells at Guy to do the same.
Dean: Bri is looking to end this right here and now. She is extremely aggravated.
Zybala: She has every right to be Deano. She thought she had Guy beat, but a lucky foot placement was all he needed to get some time to recover.
Guy slowly gets to his feet and Bri is waiting right behind him. She wraps her arms around him as if going for a German Suplex. Guy blocks it and slips free to go behind Bri. He then looks his arms around her waist, probably looking for a German of his own. A slow smile spreads across his face as he ponders something.
Cashe: BOOBY-PLEX!!!!
Guy then raises his hands and grabs Bri firmly on the chest. Bri looks outrage, as does Mitch. He grabs Guy and pulls him off of Bri. Guy looks confused as Mitch calls Anyone over and talks to her. She nods and grabs her microphone.
Annie: Ladies and gentlemen, Referee Mitch has decided to end this match and proclaim your winner by disqualification due to sexual harassment, Bri Carter!
Zybala: It's about time!
Dean: I agree. After several warnings, Guy left Mitch no choice but to d.q. him. However I think this is a wrestling first.
Zybala: You may be right partner. I can't recall a match ever ending due to sexual harassment. Well that's it this week for Dystopia. I'm Mike Zybala and he is President Dean. See you all next time fans.
Dean: The action isn't over yet Mike.
Guy is arguing with Mitch as a fuming Bri comes from behind and uppercuts Guy in the nether regions. Guy drops like a bad habit as Bri mounts on top of him and starts raining down blow after blow in retaliation. Mitch doesn't get involved as he knows Bri is in the right. Suddenly, Billy Thomas comes rushing down the driveway and slides in the ring and drags Bri off and slams her down. He yells at he to know her place and starts stomping her. The fans boo as Guy gets up and joins in the stomping. The boos turn to cheers as a large man comes charging to the ring.
Zybala: My God! I didn't think he was even here!!
Dean: It's Coquefiddler th' Impudent!!!
Coquefiddler gets in the ring and storms up to Guy, whom he grabs and immediately throws out of the ring. He then grabs Billy, who wasn't paying attention to anything but kicking Bri, and drops him with a mighty D.D.T. While Billy is laid out Coquefiddler helps Bri to her feet. He then picks up Billy, bends him over and tells Bri to hold him still, which she does. Coquefiddler then runs to the ropes behind Billy, bounces back and delivers a devastating scissorskick to Billy's....um.....asshole. Billy flies out of the ring from the force and Coquefiddler holds up Bri's arm in victory as the camera fades out.
Mitch: I sacrifice the Red Eyes Baby Chick to special summon Red Eyes Black Dragon, but he won't be around for long because I sack him to bring out Red Eyes Darkness Dragon. Then I remove from play my Armed Dragon Level 3 to special summon Red Eyes Darkness Metal Dragon. Then I use Metal Dragon's special ability to bring back my regular Red Eyes to the field. Now I start my attack phase.
Zybala: Jesus. How many dragons do you have to special summon?
Mitch: That's all... For this turn. But what you doing about my attack?
Zybala quickly checks all his face down cards until he finds what he's looking for. He flips it up.
Zybala: Negate Attack, broski. You got anything else?
Mitch: Nah. Your go.
Zybala draws his card and smiles. He takes a card and shows Mitch, it's Pot Of Greed(may be tourney banned, but this is the yard, fool) Zybala draws two more cards. He then takes four cards from his hand and places them face up.
Zybala: I use Polymerazation to fuse my 3 Blue Eyes White Dragons to get Ultimate Blue Eyes, but to save time, I'm using defusion on it to send Ultimate to the graveyard and get my three Blue Eyes on the field.
Zybala leaves his three dragons out and tosses Defusion and Poly and his Ultimate Blue Eyes to the graveyard. Mitch then flips a trap card!!
Mitch: Just Desserts! You have three dudes so lose 1500 points and that's game.
Zybala: What?! But I was gonna summon Obelisk!
Mitch: Always watch out for traps dude. G.G.
Zybala: G.G.
They clean up their mess as Dean walks in the yard.
Dean: Time for the shows suckas! Clean up your shit and take your places!!
Mitch heads next to the ring as Zybala straightens up the announce table. The Yardies enter the yard to take their seats and are intrigued by the tarp over the ring. When all are seated, Dean looks expectantly at Zybala, who does nothing.
Dean: Where's the music sucka???
Zybala: You don't get music this week. Not after that Meyhu shit you pulled.
Dean: I did it for the fans! I used the money for a big surprise for everyone.
Zybala: If you needed money, you could have asked! I want this to work as much as you do.
Dean: Well now I know sucka. Just do your job, play my music and eat your damn Lunchable!!
Mitch, who was lighten a blunt, looks at Zybala with excitement.
Mitch: You have Lunchables?!?
Zybala: Only one and it's the pizza so back off. It's my agreed payment for my work until Dean starts making real money. I got you some Doritos though.
Zybala reaches under the "table" and pulls out a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and tosses it to the ref. Mitch catches it, opens the bag and goes to town on the tasty treats. Dean looks at Zybala. Zybala doesn't budge.
Zybala: This is your punishment dude. You promised me no pros. Nothing but home grown talent here.
Dean: Come on, give me a pass. I swear I did it for the fans.
Zybala: Then we'll let the fans decide. Do you guys think I should forgive Dean?!?
One fan: He DOES give us free beer.
The rest of the adult fans cheer and start chanting "Dean" over and over. Zybala shrugs and taps away on the laptop and a few seconds later "Do Funk" plays on the speakers as Dean grins. He walks next to the ring, waving his arms in the air trying to pump up the fans along the way. When he gets next to the ring, the music stops.
Dean: YEEEEAH!!! What's up suckas?!?!?! Welcome to the fourth episode of Dystopia!!!! Before we get to the action. I have a surprise for you all. After a generous donation..
Zybala: Blood money!!
Dean: A Fucking Donation!! We were able to go out and upgrade the ring! No we didn't get a whole new ring. We just fixed up everything that needed fixing, like the ropes!
Zybala: And the posts, and the mats, and the boards and the...
Dean: ANYWAYS!! Without further fucking ado, Mitch?
Dean and Mitch stand on opposite sides of the ring and grab the tarp. They both pull and walk away from the ring and the tarp comes off. The ring looks.....better? I mean, it still looks like its seen better days, but there have been improvements. The ropes look safe, the corner pads are actual turnbuckle pads and not pillows duct taped to the corner. The canvas is new and not ripped and blood stained. The spirit is still there, but it's cleaner. The fans ooh and ahh as Dean gets in the ring and shows it off.
Dean: YEEEAAAHH!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!?! With our ring being upgraded for the safety of our wrestlers, we just continue to show how much better we are than that other punkass OCW that isn't even running! Suck it Buffet, and suck it Welsh you whiny punkass bitch! "Oh look at me. I got kidnapped. I'm gonna sue then have my lawyer change my diaper." I beat the rap and now on with the show!!
Dean then leaves the ring and sits next to Zybala as Annie and Mitch climb into the ring. Annie raises her microphone, Zybala raises the volume, and here....we...go.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first. He resides from The Vista View Trailer Park, weighing in at, his words, "200 pounds of keeping a bitch in check", "Wifebeater' Billy Thomas.
"Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong" plays over the speakers as Billy walks out to the boos of the fans. Billy doesn't care though. Billy thinks that he is better than the Yardies, especially the women. He flips off the fans as he climbs into the ring. He pushes Annie slightly out of his way as he goes to lean against the turnbuckles. Billy is a piece of shit. Although flustered, Annie is a professional and continues.
Annie: And his opponent, hailing from wherever his trailer rolls, representing The National Mullet Association. He is Tony The Spider!!
"Boyz in the Bright White Sports Car" by Trooper plays over the speakers as Tony makes his way down the driveway wearing his trusty fanny pack. The fans cheer as Tony passes them and gives high fives to the crowd. Before getting in to ring, Tony stops at the community cooler and grabs a beer. He enters the ring and Mitch calls for the bell. Thomas charges for The Spider but stops short when Tony holds up one finger. Tony then opens his beer and starts drinking. Thomas starts to complain but Tony holds up his finger again.
Zybala: The Wifebeater wanted to charge in with a head of steam but his was stopped short by a single finger.
Dean: No matter what trailer park you come from, you always respect the beer.
While this is normally true, it doesn't matter to Billy Thomas. He smacks the beer out of Tony's hand. The fans boo as the can flies through the air and lands on the ground. Tony looks on in horror as the inebriating liquid slowly drips out of the can. The horror is soon replaced by anger as Tony raises his head to glare at Billy. Billy sneers smugly as he tells Tony to "do something about it." Tony quickly raises his hand and just pimp smacks the shit out of Billy. The Wifebeater stumbles back holding his face. He looks at The Spider with shock.
Billy: I ain't no woman!!!
Billy then gives Tony a slap of his own, before Tony responds once again in kind. This results in the two grown men getting into a slap fight.
Zybala: These too are slapping each other like the other owes them money!
Dean: Pimps can take a few lessons from these guys! How I Met Your Mother ain't got shit on us!
Tony has just gotten slapped and looking to retaliate but Billy blocks the slap and hits a headbutt right to Tony's forehead. Both men stumble back from the blow and Billy is first to recover. He grabs Tony's arm and applies a hammerlock. Billy is really wrenching the arm as Tony yells in pain. Tony keeps trying to grab the ropes but Billy keeps dragging him towards the center of the ring. In a last ditch effort, Tony starts shaking his head, causing his long mullet hair to hit Billy in the face. Billy is annoyed by this but the hair causes his nose to start itching and suddenly Billy starts having a sneezing attack.
Dean: That is the first time I've ever seen a mullet uses like that! Quick thinking from the Spider.
Zybala: With Billy's eyes all watery, this would be the perfect time for Tony to act.
Tony goes up to a still sneezing Billy and goes for a scoop slam but gets sneezed on right on the face instead. As the snot covers Tony's face, he starts to freak out, rips off his shirt and tries to clean up. Billy at this point has stopped sneezing and see Tony distracted with his back turned. He sneaks up behind the Spider and rolls him up in a pin. Mitch makes the count!!
Mitch: One!
Two!
Kickout!
Tony indeed has kicked out and slides out of the ring and runs towards the house. He goes to the hose, turns it on and rinses off his face. He uses the clean side of his shirt to wipe away the water and runs back to the ring and enters. Billy is waiting for him and grabs Tony as soon as he enters and tries for a headlock but Tony's still wet head allows him to slip out and he locks a Full Nelson on the Wifebeater.
Dean: The dreaded Father Nelson!
Zybala: The Wifebeater looks to be in real trouble here.
Tony keeps the hold locked in for a moment before releasing Billy and spinnning him around to face him. Tony then grabs Billy in a bear hug and starts to spin around and around.
Dean: The Spider Roll!! Tony's patented spinning bear hug!!!
Zybala: The hell you find that?!? I looked everywhere on our website and couldn't find any bio for him.
Dean: We go way back.
Tony finishes spinning and let's down the Wifebeater. Both men stumble around trying to stop being so dizzy. Billy does the smart thing and starts spinning in the opposite direction that Tony spun him. The Spider, still wobbly, reaches into his fanny pack and pulls out a pair of brass knuckles and slides them on his hand. Billy stops spinning just in time to see Tony swinging a wild, off balanced punch, which is easily dodged. When Tony regains his footing and turns towards Billy only to get met with...
Zybala: The Bitch Thump!
Dean: Never have I've seen such a devastating backhand!
Tony drops like a trailer falling out of a tornado! Billy goes for the cover!
Mitch: One...
Two.....
THREE!!
Annie: Here is your winner, "The Wifebeater" Billy Thomas..
Billy Thomas stands up with his arms raised in victory as the crowd boos and his music plays. He exits the ring and heads down the driveway flipping off and swearing the Yardies as he passes by. Billy doesn't care that there are small kids in the crowd. Billy is a piece of shit
Dean: Another match and another win for The Wifebeater, much to the dismay of the crowd.
Zybala: Nobody likes a woman beater, partner. Well, except for other woman beaters. The fans are hungry for someone to stop this undefeated streak Billy Thomas is on.
Dean: Speaking of hungry, INTERMISSION SUCKAS!!
Emilo enters the yard with a big ass tray of hotdogs and burgers and buns and condiments, and sets them on a picnic table. The crowd rushes up to the table and Emilo starts selling food left and right. The Yardies get their food grab the buns and add their favorite toppings. The food is almost gone and Zybala sees this. He waits in line and when he finally gets to the front, there is one last burger.
Zybala: I'll take that last burger Em.
Emilo: You got it Z-man. Gotta warn you though. It's a veggie burger.
Zybala looks at the patty in horror for a moment before looking pitifully at Emilo.
Emilo: I know, but it was all that was left. Tell you what, it's on the house.
Zybala grumbles a form of thanks. He takes the abomination and grabs a hamburger bun. He then grabs the ketchup and mustard only to find both bottles empty! Desperate, he then grabs the jar of relish only to find that empty as well. Will the horror ever end?!? Zybala grabs his plain veggie burger and brings it back to the announce "table." He places the "burger" down and then heads towards the house, maybe to wash his hands or get a drink. Who knows. As soon as the door shuts, we see a well groomed man enter the yard. It's The Shadow Dancer!! He is holding a Wendy's bag and tries to sneak to the announce table, though Dean notices him when he gets to the table. The Shadow Dancer takes the veggie burger and leaves the Wendy's bag. He then looks at a confused Dean.
TSD: Tell Zybala I said enjoy the unhealthy grease and carbs!! And tell him I had his gym membership cancelled!!
Shadow Dancer then starts to laugh evily has he turns to exit the yard. Zybala then reenters the yard holding a can of Pepsi and goes up to the announce table. He notices the veggie "burger" gone and the Wendy's bag in its place. He gives an inquisitive look at Dean.
Dean: Dude, that sucka Shadow Dancer just came in the yard, stole your burger like you give a fuck about eating healthy and left you Wendy's.
Zybala cautiously opens the bag then unwraps the burger. It is a baconator. Zybala looks like he's going to cry tears of joy.
Zybala: I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS SHADOW DANCER!!!
We hear the faint sounds of more evil laughter. Apparently TSD thinks Zybala is upset. Whatever helps the dude sleep at night. Anyways, Zybala happily begins to eat his real burger and Annie does in the ring and does her thing.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first, he comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
"Niggaz Jump Up" get played on YouTube and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy struts to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He winks at Annie, obviously not remembering how she shot him down the last time. The music stops and Annie continues.
Annie: And his opponent, Hailing from Miami, Florida, weighing 117 pounds, she is "The Better Carter" Bri Carter!
Zybala cues up "Bitch Came Back" on the YouTube as Bri makes here way to the ring, high fiving a few fans on the way. She enters the ring and stretches a bit as Guy stares with a big grin on his face. Annie leaves the ring and Mitch calls for the bell.
Zybala: Here we go fans. Our second and final match of the night.
Dean: Both of these Suckas are looking for their first win in Outsiders.
Bri walks up to Guy with her arms open looking to lock up in the traditional collar and elbow, but all Guy sees is a pretty girl with her arms spread wide. Guy quickly takes advantage and goes in for a hug. Bri is so shocked she allows Guy to hug her, but then a weird look befalls her face. She sniffs, and the look turns to one of disgust. She breaks the hug and pushes Guy away.
Carter: Ewwww! When was the last time you showered?!?!
Cashe: This morning baby. That's just my natural musk you be smelling. Oh, and my ma's washer and dryer have been broke about a week.
Carter: What the shit!! I'm not fighting you smelling like that!!
Mitch: I got this.
Mitch reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a can of Old Spice body spray and proceeds to spray down the smelly "thug." After Mitch is done, Bri takes a cautious sniff then shrugs her shoulders. She then quickly kicks Guy in the midsection and applies a headlock.
Dean: After a brief stall, the action is finally under way!
Zybala: I told you he smelled funky earlier. At least he's passable enough for Bri to get close and lock in that headlock. She is really squeezing Guy's head.
Guy does appear to be in peril. He grabs Bri's arms and tries to pull then apart, but it's apparent that she works out more than he does. Guy then tries to lift Bri, who just counters by wrapping her leg around his and prevents the lift. Running out of options, Guy does the only thing he can think of. He reaches his arm back and gives Bri a slap on her butt. A look of shock crosses her face as Bri releases her hold. She glares at Guy as he rubs his neck. Mitch had witnessed the ass smack and is giving Guy his first and final warning about keeping his hands respectful
Zybala: Mitch is right in there with a stern but fair warning to Cashe about ass touching.
Dean: Unlike Buffet or Welsh, we don't tolerate any sexual harassment here in Outsiders!
Guy apologizes to Bri and stretches out his arms for a hug. Not having any of it, Bri smacks Guy across his face. At first Guy looks shocked, then looks hurt. Not physically hurt, but emotionally. He charges at Bri and pushes her into the corner and stares flailing his arms at her, akin to a temper tantrum. Mitch pulls Guy away as Bri walks out of the corner more flustered than hurt. Guy gets around Mitch and kicks Bri in the gut, doubling her over. He then tucks her head between his legs.
Dean: Does anyone Got A Dollar?!?
Zybala: Not this time buddy, but it looks like thats what Guy is going for. His signature powerbomb!
Dean: Is it really signature if he's never been able to use it??
Before Zybala can answer, Guy surprisingly lifts up Bri, but she just slides down his back before he can drop her with the powerbomb. Guy turns to face Bri and she starts nailing h with forearm after forearm, pushing him towards the ropes. Guy his leaning against the ropes but not for long as Bri whips him to the opposite side. As he bounces back, Bri turns and leaps in the air, knocking Guy down with her version of the Rear View. As Guy falls, Bri does a little booty pop to the cheers of the fellas in the crowd. She then thinks about going for the cover, but decided against it. Bri drags Guy to his feet and sets him up for a D.D.T. Before she can drop him, Guy spreads his legs to get more balance. He then swings his one arm back, with his hand shaped like he is holding a bowling ball.
Cashe: CLAM SLAM!!
Before he can swing his arm forward and parents have to answer questions they weren't prepared to answer today, Mitch grabs Guy's arms and pulls him free from Bri. He then gets in Guy's face, yelling at him.
Mitch: That shit ain't cool man!! This is your absolute last warning, like ever. For this match or future matches. Cut that shit out!
As Guy is distracted by the yelling, Bri comes from behind and grabs Guy's head, bends him backwards and drops him with an Inverted D.D.T.!!!
Zybala: Bri Zone from out of somewhere!!!!
Dean: Cashe was too busy getting yelled at to see it coming! Get your pin girl!!
Bri pins a prone Guy and Mitch goes down on the mat to make the count. However they are to close to the ropes and Mitch notices Guy's foot under the ropes. He taps Bri on the shoulder and let's her know. She looks at the ropes and then groans in frustration. She drags Guy's scrawny frame to the middle of the ring and goes for the pin again. Mitch starts the count.
Mitch: One......
Two.....
Thr.. No!
Much to the dismay of Bri, Guy was able to recover enough in all that time to cut out. Bri stands up and yells at Guy to do the same.
Dean: Bri is looking to end this right here and now. She is extremely aggravated.
Zybala: She has every right to be Deano. She thought she had Guy beat, but a lucky foot placement was all he needed to get some time to recover.
Guy slowly gets to his feet and Bri is waiting right behind him. She wraps her arms around him as if going for a German Suplex. Guy blocks it and slips free to go behind Bri. He then looks his arms around her waist, probably looking for a German of his own. A slow smile spreads across his face as he ponders something.
Cashe: BOOBY-PLEX!!!!
Guy then raises his hands and grabs Bri firmly on the chest. Bri looks outrage, as does Mitch. He grabs Guy and pulls him off of Bri. Guy looks confused as Mitch calls Anyone over and talks to her. She nods and grabs her microphone.
Annie: Ladies and gentlemen, Referee Mitch has decided to end this match and proclaim your winner by disqualification due to sexual harassment, Bri Carter!
Zybala: It's about time!
Dean: I agree. After several warnings, Guy left Mitch no choice but to d.q. him. However I think this is a wrestling first.
Zybala: You may be right partner. I can't recall a match ever ending due to sexual harassment. Well that's it this week for Dystopia. I'm Mike Zybala and he is President Dean. See you all next time fans.
Dean: The action isn't over yet Mike.
Guy is arguing with Mitch as a fuming Bri comes from behind and uppercuts Guy in the nether regions. Guy drops like a bad habit as Bri mounts on top of him and starts raining down blow after blow in retaliation. Mitch doesn't get involved as he knows Bri is in the right. Suddenly, Billy Thomas comes rushing down the driveway and slides in the ring and drags Bri off and slams her down. He yells at he to know her place and starts stomping her. The fans boo as Guy gets up and joins in the stomping. The boos turn to cheers as a large man comes charging to the ring.
Zybala: My God! I didn't think he was even here!!
Dean: It's Coquefiddler th' Impudent!!!
Coquefiddler gets in the ring and storms up to Guy, whom he grabs and immediately throws out of the ring. He then grabs Billy, who wasn't paying attention to anything but kicking Bri, and drops him with a mighty D.D.T. While Billy is laid out Coquefiddler helps Bri to her feet. He then picks up Billy, bends him over and tells Bri to hold him still, which she does. Coquefiddler then runs to the ropes behind Billy, bounces back and delivers a devastating scissorskick to Billy's....um.....asshole. Billy flies out of the ring from the force and Coquefiddler holds up Bri's arm in victory as the camera fades out.