The Investigator & the Labor Dispute at Kimbell Art Museum
Sept 25, 2019 11:14:06 GMT -6
Deana Barrows and Dylan Thomas like this
Post by The Big Bifford on Sept 25, 2019 11:14:06 GMT -6
The screen goes from black to a moment of static to the image of The Big Bifford and his two lackeys Earl the Popcorn Salesman and Kenny the Intern standing in what appears to be an art museum. Rather than wearing his traditional outfit, Bifford is instead in a brown pinstripe suit with the MAGICAL FLEECE over top it. He walks from one large oil painting to the next, pondering them. Earl looks incredibly bored, other than looking excited whenever a woman walks by. Kenny, on the other hand, looks very uncomfortable.
Kenny: What are we doing here, Bifford? What sort of scam is this?
Bifford: Can’t we just take a day to enjoy some beautiful art without it having to be a scam? Beauty enriches the mind and brightens the soul, Kenny...
Letting out an audible sigh, Kenny joins Bifford in looking at the large oil painting before them. The text KIMBELL ART MUSEUM, FORT WORTH TEXAS is displayed under them. A very professional looking woman in a business suit walks up to the three of them. Bifford sees her and smiles pleasantly, extending his hand, and the two shake hands.
Kay: Hello Investigator Biffford.. thank you so much for coming so soon. We’ve heard lots of good things about your work as a private investigator and hope that you can solve our little.. issue.. without any press. The museum has been hard hit the past few years with attendance down about 30%.. the last thing we need is people thinking the museum is unsafe!
Bifford (speaking in a low voice): Ma’am.. as I told you.. we will take care of it, but we can’t have anyone seeing you talking to us. We will investigate and then I will send you my report.
The woman nods and turns, walking away, looking about as though she is slightly nervous.
Kenny (audibly sighing): Bifford.. investigator Bifford? What the hell is this?
Earl: Just gotta follow the money, Kenny..
Bifford (glaring at Earl): Kenny.. I’m here to help this poor woman.
Kenny: Help her with what?
Bifford: They’ve been having difficulties..
Earl begins laughing heartily.
Kenny: Difficulties with what?
Bifford: Their security guards.. keep.. going missing.
Staring at Bifford for a moment of disbelief, Kenny then looks at all of the security guards standing around. They’re all very large men in suits.
Earl (still laughing): Hey, Kenny.. any of these guys look familiar?
Kenny: There’ve been.. like.. several large guys brought into the chicken sandwich factory the past few days.. this.. oh, Bifford.. why?
Bifford (rolling his eyes): Well the homeless aren’t dropping dead quick enough. People want our chicken sandwiches.. they crave them.
Kenny: Can’t we just use actual, real, clucking chicken!?
Bifford: Nobody wants to eat that garbage.. they like our sandwiches as they are. So, we’ve begun identifying people who don’t have a lot of family or friends and we take care of them.. but it just seemed like this really nice art museum here in Fort Worth happened to have a security force of guys who were just all really unhappy in life. So Boris has been setting up an operation of kidnapping them nightly. In order to avoid using the real police, I’ve been advertising all over the Fort Worth area for months as a private investigator.
Kenny (groaning): We’re all going to prison for life someday very soon..
Bifford (whispering): Possibly, but that day isn’t today.. Today we are going to make sure that we have enough meat for several months... though we do have new locations coming, including three in Louisiana.
Giving Kenny a wink, Bifford looks over to Earl.
Bifford: So what do we know about my opponent this week?
Earl: He’s rich and famous, knows all sorts of celebrities, he just beat Duce Jones to become GCWA North American Champion, and he spent most of this week chilling in a hammock.
Bifford: Well, he can be rich and famous all he wants.. I’m on a very fixed income.
Kenny (pointing to Bifford’s dazzling wrist watch): How much did that cost?
Bifford (shrugging): Something like $40,000.. it was a steal though, like 30% off the original price.
Earl (rolling his eyes): You freaking rich people..
Bifford: And so this Dylan also just beat Duce Jones? So what? What does that possibly prove? Everyone beats Duce Jones. That’s like bragging about beating Dangerous Dan. Duce Jones is a nobody who can’t win a match unless his opponent is blindfolded and has a hand tied behind his back. Duce Jones is nobody. Beating him is a nothing accomplishment. This Dylan Thomas is about to find out what the upper tier of GCWA is like.
Kenny: Maybe if you beat him and don’t win the GCWA Title, then Ace will give you a shot at the North American Championship..
Bifford (glaring at Kenny): I’m going to win the GCWA Title. There’s no question of that..
Patting Earl on the shoulder, Bifford whispers “time to execute the plan,” and Earl walks away from them. Kenny looks at Bifford with concern, “what plan? What is going on?” Bifford gives Kenny and irritated look as Earl walks around and begins talking to one security guard after another in a hushed tone.
Kenny (repeating himself in a irritated tone): What is the plan?
Bifford: My plan for Dylan Thomas? Wrestle him to the mat, beat him up, give him my piledriver and then pin him to give myself momentum as I head in to face Ed Houston, Lurrr, and Derek the Mobley. Beating a Champion is the exact sort of thing I need to amend my record after my loss to Lurrr. That hurt my ego.. but beating Ed Houston and The Lost Soul helped. Now to put it to rest, I need to beat a current champion - and Dylan Thomas is the only one we’ve got.
Kenny: No.. I’m talking about the plan with Earl walking around, talking to all of these security guards..
Bifford: Oh.. you’ll see.
Suddenly beginning to walk a bit faster and skipping several oil paintings, Bifford walks up to one of the security guards. The name tag on the front of his blazer specifies that he is Bill and his title is Head of Security. Bifford walks up to the man and begins talking in a hushed tone. Kenny looks uncomfortable, but neither he nor the home viewer can hear what Bifford is saying. Certain phrases seem to stick out, being audible as Bifford speaks, including “unsafe working conditions,” “dangerous to you and your men,” “strike,” “solidarity,” and “closing the museum is the only way.” Bill, the head of security, looks totally convinced by what Bifford has told him and nods at the big man in the weird fleece.
Bifford walks away from the man and smiles at Kenny, who looks very nervous.
Kenny: What the hell was that? Are you and Earl trying to talk the security guards into striking? What good is that?
Bifford: It’ll all be clear to you soon.. now, come Kenny..
The two men walk through the museum, stopping to view a few more pieces. As they make their way from room to room, we begin to see rooms without security guards posted. In some rooms we see security guards posted, but then leaving their post. Finally Bifford and Kenny push the front door of the museum open and walk out into the bright midday sun of Fort Worth Texas.
Kenny: Bifford.. explain what’s going on..
Bifford motions for Kenny to follow him and the two men circle around the side of the museum. There about 40 security guards are standing with Earl the Popcorn Salesman. Earl is shouting all sorts of things about worker’s rights and demands of unionization. The woman who approached Bifford earlier walks out and begins demanding that her guards go back inside.
Meanwhile, Bifford looks into the camera with the scene of the guards, Earl, and the woman behind him.
Bifford: Dylan Thomas, you might be famous and you might have a hot chick who travels with you, but I’ve got more than that.. I’ve got a thriving chicken sandwich business. I might be on a fixed income and you might have infinite wealth, but at the end of the day, I always get the best deal. Dylan, kid, I don’t dislike you. It’ll be nothing personal. I like that you kept Duce away from sullying a GCWA title history. I like that you enjoy a hammock, which I also enjoy. But come Friday at Inferno, I’m going to show you why I’m a former GCWA Champion and why you’ll never come close to holding that title. I’m going to show you why they fear me around the world.. I’m going to show you.. oh good, the bus is here!
A large Greyhound style bus pulls up to the side of the museum where the security guards are standing. Earl begins getting the security guards into a line and getting them into the bus.
Kay (seeing Bifford): Investigator! Investigator! Do something! These men are going on strike! I’ve had to close the museum!
Bifford (shrugging): Ma’am.. I can’t investigate crimes when these sorts of things are happening.. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to solve your labor dispute before we are able to continue the investigation.
Kay (pointing to Earl): Wasn’t THAT MAN with you?
Bifford (looking at Earl): I’ve never seen that man before in my life..
Earl, helping the last security guard onto the bus, gives Bifford a thumbs up. He climbs into the bus and we see that Boris the Russian Cannibal is the bus driver. Boris also gives Bifford the thumbs up before the bus door closes and the bus starts to drive away. The woman sighs and walks away her hands clenched in anger. Meanwhile, Bifford looks to Kenny.
Bifford: You know what you need to do, Kenny..
Kenny: Go meet Boris, prepare the meat, and make the sandwiches..
Bifford: You’ve got it kid..
Bifford ruffles the 30-something year old man’s hair and sends him on his way. Walking along the sidewalk, Bifford looks up to the museum and sees the stream of unhappy looking people leaving. They’ve been told the museum is closed due to a labor strike. Putting on his best fake smile, Bifford reaches into the MAGICAL FLEECE and pulls out a stack of coupons.
Bifford (shouting at the crowd): $1 off chicken sandwich coupons! Your ruined day at the museum is about to get better with Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken!
The crowd of hundreds of people begin walking toward Bifford to get the coupons as the scene fades to darkness.