Homecoming PPV Pre-Show Set-Up and The Kidnapping of Earl...
Oct 2, 2019 12:18:29 GMT -6
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Post by The Big Bifford on Oct 2, 2019 12:18:29 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static, to the image of The Big Bifford and Kenny the Intern standing in a park. In the distance one can see waterfalls, trails, and various swings and slides. Throughout the park there are workers setting up tents, assembling a stage, and setting up seating for what appears to be a lot of people. Text displayed on the screen reads LUCY PARK, WICHITA FALLS TX. The camera zooms in on Bifford and Kenny as the two men talk. Bifford is wearing his MAGICAL FLEECE and has sunglasses resting on his head.
Kenny: Bifford.. why on earth are we doing this?
Bifford: Kenny, you clearly don’t remember how much fun we used to have when we held EPIC PRE-SHOWS before Pay Per Views in OCW and GCWA. It was a blast! We would have interviews, and bands, and weird exhibitions.. and it always featured Tommy Crimson setting himself on fire. So we are going to host THE BIGGEST PRE-SHOW of ALL TIME right here in Wichita Falls, Texas.. home of the professional wrestling Hall of Fame.. also a much cheaper place to rent a park.. Dallas was cost-prohibitive. I’m on a very fixed income.
Kenny: Bifford.. how much did those sunglasses cost?
Bifford (pulling the sunglasses off his forehead and inspecting them): Maybe $1600.. I never bring the really good pair with me when we’re on the road..
Rolling his eyes at his boss’s extravagance, Kenny looks around as the crew continues assembling the festival.
Kenny: Bifford, have you checked in on Earl? Is he still in the hospital? That Dylan guy really did a number on him..
Bifford: I talked to him yesterday.. he said he might get released later this week. He really wants to be here for the pre-show, but also to see the opening of the Wichita Falls franchise of Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken. Speaking of which, Kenny, shouldn’t you be with Boris preparing more chicken for the sandwiches?
Kenny: Bifford.. I’ve spent the last two days doing nothing but butchering corpses and turning them into chicken patties. Please, no more..
Bifford: Kenny.. we’re opening franchises in Arizona and New Mexico in mid-October.. We can’t slow down now. We need to keep stocking up on more and more ‘chicken’.
Kenny looks at Bifford with apprehension as the strange looking Russian man known as Boris the Cannibal walks up to them. He waves at the two men even though he’s already standing with them.
Boris (in broken English with a thick Russian accent): Gentlemen. I have news. Not good news. Bad news.
Motioning for Boris to continue, Bifford turns his attention to his employee.
Boris (broken English): I went to hospital to bring Earl the flowers you wanted delivered..
Kenny (flipping out): FLOWERS!? I was in the hospital for 2 months and you never sent me flowers!
Bifford motions for Kenny to be quiet and signals for the cannibal to continue.
Boris: Earl gone. Note on bed. Ransom note.
Boris reaches into his back pocket and produces a note. Pulling it out of his hand, Bifford begins reading it and the note is narrated by Bifford’s voice, though his mouth doesn’t move in the scene.
Bifford (voice over): Dearest Theodore, your days are numbered. If you want to continue your journey to the GCWA title and fast-food domination, you’ll never see Earl again. Imagine life with just Kenny and not your buddy. Cancel your participation in the Pay Per View, close all of your chicken sandwich franchises, and your friend will be released unharmed. Do not contact me or search me out. I will be in touch once you’ve made the right decision. Sincerely yours, The Mayor.”
Bifford, handing the note to Kenny, stands in silence, thinking over what he’s read. Kenny reads the note and shakes his head, “Bifford this isn’t good.. what are you going to do?”
Bifford: Kenny, let’s be honest.. I can’t let the GCWA fans down. A wrestling federation with a loser like Derek the Mobley, a has-been like Lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, or a little shrimp like Ed Houston as it’s World Champion is dead in the water. The GCWA fans want a real heavyweight of a heavyweight Champion. They want to see me give all three of those men The Biff End and pin them 1, 2, 3 in the middle of the ring.
Kenny: But.. Biff.. What if this Mayor kills Earl?
Bifford (laughing): Don’t worry, Kenny.. it’s not like The Mayor kidnapped you. If it were you, I’d just go about my week as planned.. But this is Earl. I will go and hunt down The Mayor and get Earl back before it’s time to run the amazing HOMECOMING PRE-SHOW!
Some workers walk by carrying a giant sign with rudimentary handwriting that reads BIFFORD’S SANDWICHES OF CHICKEN PROUDLY PRESENTS: HOMECOMING PPV PRE-SHOW. Bifford meanwhile looks between Boris and Kenny as he ponders what to do.
Bifford: Boris.. you stay here and make sure the festival gets set up perfectly.. Don’t kill too many workers, we need them. Kenny, you’re coming with me..
Kenny (smiling): Wow, you trust me more than Boris..
Bifford (shaking his head): Nah, it is because this mission might be dangerous and Boris is more valuable to me..
Glaring at one another, Bifford and Kenny stand in silence for an awkward amount of time. Boris, meanwhile, walks away and begins yelling at workers and pointing them in various directions in the background. Bifford and Kenny begin to walk away as the camera zooms in to Bifford’s face.
Bifford: Derek the Mobley, the last time we met in a GCWA ring was August 20, 2010. Over 9 years ago. And guess what, Mobley? I beat you. The records will forever show that Biffarachnephobia won that match over you and your little bitch friend. At Homecoming it’s going to be that story all over again.. You may have taken that title from me once, a long time ago - but I have all of the momentum coming from my win against you 9 years ago. That momentum will push me forward to beat you once again, Derek. You should have stayed home on your couch and enjoyed being a has-been of the wrestling world, Mobley, because this weekend I’m going to expose you as being not as good as everyone remembers. I’ve got a Biff End with your name on it - and if you can’t live with yourself after that loss, you’re always welcome to come and be the newest meat for my chicken sandwiches.
Crossing a street and leaving the park, Bifford and Kenny walk over to what appears to be a trailer park. Various trashy looking white people walk about doing their hillbilly daily tasks. Some of them stop to look at the giant man wearing the MAGICAL FLEECE, but nobody says a word to Bifford.
Bifford (speaking loudly): If anyone can tell me anything about THE MAYOR, I’ll be glad to give you a $2 off coupon for a chicken sandwich at Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken!
A nervous looking woman approaches Bifford, looking like she’s ready to run at any moment.
Betty (slurring a bit): I’ll take the coupon.. The Mayor is boss around here though so you shouldn’t be askin’ unless you’re comin’ to pay him or to bring him presents..
Bifford (holding the coupon but not giving it to her): What’s The Mayor’s name?
Betty (sounding pretty drunk): You don’t need to know that. Nobody does. We just pay him to stay here at the trailer park and he provides us with safety.. He’s a good mayor. When there’s a dispute between trailer owners, he always solves the problem with justice. Why are you asking about him?
Bifford: I think he’s kidnapped my friend..
Betty: Black fellow in the clothing of a popcorn salesman?
Bifford: Possibly.. Kenny, does Earl wear popcorn salesman attire?
Kenny (just staring at Bifford blankly): His name is Earl the Popcorn Salesman..
Bifford (nodding and then turning back to Betty): Ahh, yes that does make sense. Yeah that would be him. Have you seen him?
Betty (grabbing the coupon): Never seen him.
The woman begins walking away quickly, looking behind herself nervously and looking around to be sure that nobody is watching her.
Bifford (shrugging): Well, I guess this is a dead end..
Kenny (sighing): Bifford.. think about it for a second. How would she know what Earl was wearing if she’d really never seen him? She’s just covering for this Mayor. And he’s not even a real mayor - he’s just like the mob boss of Wichita Bend RV Park.
Bifford (thinking for a moment and then nodding when he realizes Kenny is right): Now we just need to find someone to tell us what trailer belongs to The Mayor.
Dark music played by a string quartet is heard and Bifford and Kenny turn and see a creature walking toward them. He comes about 10 feet away from the pair and stops - the man is dressed in a MAYOR McCHEESE COSTUME including the giant novelty burger head. His sash reads THE MAYOR. The string quartet slowly fades out to silence as Bifford and The Mayor glare at each other.. though The Mayor is wearing a giant novelty mask, so it is hard to tell if its a real glare.
The Mayor: You’ve made a mistake by coming here today, Theodore.
Bifford: We don’t use first names here, The Mayor.. perhaps because I really don’t know yours.
The Mayor: Bifford, close your restaurants. Retire from wrestling. And then you can have your friend back. Isn’t friendship really worth more than a trinket title belt and selling delicious chicken sandwiches?
Bifford (clearing his throat): I have a proposal.. give me Earl, I’ll stay in the match at Homecoming, I’ll keep my Sandwiches of Chicken stores open, and you can have Kenny. I will sacrifice Kenny.
Bifford grabs Kenny by the shoulders as Kenny’s eyes bulge and he begins struggling and freaking out. The Mayor laughs and shakes his big novelty burger head.
The Mayor: I’m not interested in him, Bifford. I’m honestly not interested in Earl. I just want you out of Texas, your delicious chicken no longer available, and for Lurrr to be GCWA Champion.
Bifford: Why Lurrr?
The Mayor: His name just has so many Rs.. It’s.. it’s damn near luxurious to say it. Lurrrrrrrrr..
After mumbling something about "stupid Rs" under his breath, without warning Bifford makes a dash and runs (as quickly as a man his size can) at The Mayor. Quickness, however, is obviously an attribute of The Mayor as he reacts and pulls a smoke bomb out of his pocket, dropping it. Bifford runs into the cloud of smoke, flailing his arms and searching for The Mayor. As the smoke clears, Bifford is left standing alone. The Mayor was gone.
Bifford (looking angry as he speaks to Kenny): We’re going to get Earl back.. no matter what it takes..
Kenny (glaring at him still): I’m not going to forget when you tried to use me in a hostage exchange..
Bifford: Sorry about that. I just.. I really like Earl better.
Patting Kenny on the shoulder, the two men walk toward the exit of the trailer park as the scene fades to darkness.