In Paradise with a Bear, a Grenade, and MYSTICAL CONFETTI
Oct 3, 2019 12:32:25 GMT -6
Deana Barrows and Dylan Thomas like this
Post by The Big Bifford on Oct 3, 2019 12:32:25 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static (has the same person been badly editing the beginning of these for over a decade?), to the image of The Big Bifford and Kenny the Intern in a ditch at the side of a road. The two men whisper but we cannot hear them. Text is displayed on the screen that reads PARADISE, TEXAS.
Narrator: When we left off last time, Bifford had found out that his friend and assistant Earl the Popcorn Salesman had been kidnapped by The Mayor. The Mayor, a man in a bizarre costume that looks a bit like the McDonald’s character Mayor McCheese - though I assure you he is not Mayor McCheese and McDonald’s in no way endorses any of this, has been demanding Bifford close all of his ‘chicken’ sandwich restaurants and end his wrestling career. The Mayor, who seems to favor Lurrr as a wrestler, is threatening to harm Earl unless his demands are met. Bifford, trying to strike a deal to give The Mayor possession of Kenny instead, failed to reach a deal or to capture him. And now, the exciting conclusion..
The camera zooms in closer to Bifford and Kenny and then pans slightly to the side to show that there is also a cage with a bear in it right there in the ditch. It’s actually a hell of a visual - a man in a giant MAGICAL FLEECE, a nerd, and a bear in a cage - just right there in a ditch.
Kenny: Bifford, why are we in this little town in the middle of nowhere?
Bifford: Because they’re keeping Earl over in that compound.
The camera swings to the side, across the country road, to where some armed men stand in front of a gate protecting what one would assume is a large property. There are about 6 men with various types of guns standing guard.
Kenny: And why did we go to the International Exotic Animal Sanctuary in Boyd, Texas and kidnap a bear before coming here?
Bifford: Because I’m not some sort of maniac who’s going to shoot those men to get into this compound.. the bear will chase them off.
Slamming his palm into his forehead, Kenny then does the ‘time out’ sign with his hands.
Kenny: Bifford, you’re responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people each month.. you kill them, and then make me butcher them with a Russian cannibal and turn them into ‘chicken’ sandwiches for human consumption. You kill people for so many reasons, and sometimes for no reason, but yet you refuse to kill these dangerous armed hillbillies at the side of the road?
Bifford (motioning for Kenny to be quiet): Kenny.. we kill for good purposes only.. people love that chicken.. Now.. I’m going to shake the cage a bit to anger the bear and then we’re going to release it.
Kenny (hissing): What if it comes after us?
Bifford (starting to shake the bear cage): Then you’d better figure out how to defend yourself against a bear really quickly..
Continuing to shake the cage, the large bear inside definitely begins looking at both Bifford and Kenny with irritability. Kenny looks on with nervousness as the giant man shakes the giant bear around in the cage.
Kenny: I really don’t want to die in Paradise, Texas. Anyplace but here.
Bifford (getting out of breath from shaking the cage): Don’t worry, Kenny.. today isn’t your day to die.. I promised Boris he could be around when that happens and he’s busy with the Pay Per View Pre-Show Festival..
Kenny glares at Bifford as the big man reaches around the cage and opens the door toward the road. The bear runs out and surprisingly doesn’t turn to go attack Bifford and rather runs across the street toward the men with guns. The men, however, are not terribly alert and don’t even see the large brown bear running toward them. The camera focuses in on Kenny and Bifford as they look across the street. First comes the screaming, then some gun shots, then more screaming, then silence. Kenny turns as white as a ghost as he watches.
Kenny: It’s freaking eating their faces.. how did that bear kill them all? They had guns..
Bifford: Boris has been coming to the animal sanctuary and injecting that bear with steroids for over a month now..
Kenny (turning to give his boss a strange look): Over a month? How did you know we were going to need a roid-rage bear in the middle of nowhere Texas over a month ago?
Bifford (laughing and patting Kenny on the head): Oh I didn’t think we’d need him yet.. I was expecting him to grow into a truly giant bear.
Kenny (looking grossed out as sound effects that sound like chewing are heard in the background): Bifford.. what is the plan?
Bifford: Well, I’m going to give three men The Biff End and I’m going to pin them all. Lurrr might have had my number a few weeks ago, but this week I’m going to be extra motivated to end him because of this idiocy with The Mayor. I’ve shown that I’m capable of pinning Ed Houston without much difficulty - so I’ll just do that again. And as we discussed yesterday, my last match involving Derek the Mobley ended with my hand raised. I have the momentum from my victory 9 years ago to carry me through beating Derek the Mobley and showing him I am the rightful GCWA Champion. I should have been the last champion of the company.. I should be forever the Champion of GCWA just like I am in OCW..
Reaching into his MAGICAL FLEECE, Bifford pulls out a replica of the OCW Championship that appears to be made of duct tape and Splenda packets. He holds it over his head proudly.
Kenny: Bifford.. I meant how are we going to get by that bear that's feasting on the corpses.
Shoving the Splenda packet OCW Championship back into his fleece, Bifford pulls out a grenade. Kenny turns white with terror.
Kenny: There’s been a grenade in that fleece all day?
Bifford: Kenny, there’s been a grenade in this fleece for years. Paradise is about to becoming hell.. Fire in the hole!
Using his teeth, Bifford pulls the pin and throws the grenade across the street. The camera shakes as an obnoxiously loud explosion sound effect is heard. Climbing out of the ditch, the two men walk by exploded corpses of men and beasts and up to the gate, which they push open. Continuing down the dirt driveway, in the distance they can see people walking toward them. Six security men, much like the ones eaten by the bear, flank The Mayor on each side. Two men behind the 7 men follow at a distance, walking with Earl the Popcorn Salesman, who is in handcuffs. The Mayor and his men stop about 15 feet away from Bifford.
The Mayor: That was quite the commotion.. what on earth was that? We don’t like to be disturbed out here in Paradise.
Bifford: I’m not sure if you’re referring to the bear eating your security guards’ faces or the grenade that exploded the bear and the corpses.. but I’ve come here for Earl and I’m not giving in to any of your demands.
The Mayor: Bifford, nobody has to get hurt here today. Just close the stupid restaurants.. I know how much money you made in your divorce - there’s no way you’re a poor man. Close the restaurants. Retire from wrestling. Then the three of you can walk off and go do other scams in other states..
Bifford: We both know I don’t negotiate with terrorists wearing cheeseburger novelty heads. Why don’t you take off that mask and show us who you really are?
Laughing and shaking his giant novelty head, The Mayor signals to one of his men who hands him a sword. He stands ready.
The Mayor: Bifford, it looks like you’re all out of bears and all out of grenades.. now it’s time we duel.
Bifford reaches into the MAGICAL FLEECE and pulls a sword out that couldn’t possibly have been in there this whole time. The two men begin walking toward each other with their swords at the ready.
Bifford: You sure today is the day you want to die?
The Mayor: I hope they remember you with a ten bell salute at GCWA Homecoming..
The two men begin dueling with loud sound effects each time their swords hit. The sword fight goes on for about 4 minutes, which is about 2 minutes too long for the home viewer. Finally Bifford and The Mayor’s swords get caught together. Bifford holds the sword with one hand and reaches into his MAGICAL FLEECE with the other. As he pulls out a handful of MYSTICAL CONFETTI, looking at The Mayor with hatred in his eyes, he shouts, “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL! Duck Earl!” and throws the confetti in the general direction of The Mayor and his security detail. Earl pulls away from the guards and ducks as the confetti comes flying. As specks of the confetti hit The Mayor and his men, they all drop screaming in pain.
Kenny (panicking): WAS THAT ANTHRAX? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
Wiping the sweat from his brow, Bifford motions for Kenny to be quiet. “You okay Earl?” he asks as he tries to catch his breath. “All good, man,” is Earl’s response as Kenny walks over and begins undoing the handcuffs behind Earl’s back.
Earl: You’re a scary mother-fu-
Bifford (laughing): Nah.. I just know what I need to do to win. Which is why those losers Derek the Mobley, Ed Houston, and Lurrr better know what is coming for them. The GCWA Championship belongs to me and to me alone - and at the end of Homecoming I will raise it above my head..
Walking over to where The Mayor is laying on the ground writhing in pain from the confetti, Bifford raises his sword and brings it down into The Mayor’s chest, with the camera cutting away just in time.
Bifford (being joined by Earl): Let’s get you back to the truck, you must be hungry..
Earl: Actually they fed me pretty well..
Bifford: Well I’m hungry..
Earl: You didn’t train at all this week, did you?
Bifford: What would I need to train for? Derek the Mobley is an old out of shape hack, Ed Houston is too small to present any real challenge, and Lurrr has spelling issues and uses too many Rs..
Bifford and Earl begin walking back to the car as Kenny surveys the men laying on the ground. He walks up to The Mayor.
Kenny: Who were you..?
Leaning down and removing the large hamburger novelty head, Kenny sees that under that mask is a Smokey the Bear mask. “That makes absolutely no sense,” Kenny says as he removes the second mask, showing the Lurrr lookalike Loser-rr was behind all of this. “Too many Rs..,” Kenny says under his breath, echoing his boss, as he begins half-jogging toward them quickly to catch up. The scene fades to darkness as MYSTICAL CONFETTI blows through the air.