Post by The Big Bifford on Dec 9, 2020 22:05:18 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the image of The Big Bifford, Earl the Popcorn Salesman, Kenny the Intern and Boris the Cannibal speeding down the road in a car, being chased by a police car with their lights on and sirens blaring. The camera inside the car seems to focus most on Kenny, who appears to be having an anxiety attack, in the front passenger seat. Bifford is driving.
Kenny: I always knew we would go to prison because of you and your mass murder and your cannibalism! I ALWAYS KNEW I WOULD END UP BEING SOMEONE’S PRISON BITCH BECAUSE OF YOU!
Bifford: Nonsense! This is just a minor situation! Barely an inconvenience!
Kenny: We are involved in a HIGH SPEED CHASE!
Bifford: Oh this is nothing! Hey.. remind me again, who’s my opponent this week?
Earl: It’s Michael Graves.. I've been telling you this for like an hour... He’s some sort of He-She.. Used to be a woman, now it’s a man. Or used to be a man and now it’s a woman. I’m not sure how this shit works.
Bifford: WHAT? Why is Dean letting these folks into OCW?
Kenny: You’re in GCWA.
Bifford: Ace let the He-She in?
Earl: Ace hasn’t been in control for a long time..
Boris (thick Russian accent): I don’t think we should be calling her a He-She.. that’s offensive. We need to be more P.C. – it’s 2020.
Bifford slams on the breaks and the cop car rear ends them and pulls off to the side of the road, crashing into the barricade. As Kenny screams out "WHAT THE HELL?," Bifford’s Lincoln Town Car continues moving forward as though nothing happened, though Boris and Earl seem shaken in the backseat. Bifford turns and glares at Boris while still driving forward.
Bifford: If I can’t call a He-She a He-She because it’s 2020, I don’t want to speak anymore. I’m sick and tired of all this politically correct nonsense. I’m gonna kick this He-She’s ass just like it’s any other wrestler, but I’m not gonna pretend to be okay with all of this. You either have junk or you have a place for someone to put their junk – there’s no shades of gray here.
Kenny: Actually, statistically and scientifically there are several genders besides the ones you traditionally think of.
Bifford flips out and lets go of the steering wheel, grabbing Kenny like he’s Homer Simpson and Kenny is Bart, and begins strangling him. Boris, quick to think, reaches over Bifford from the backseat and takes the wheel to control the car. Earl meanwhile looks right into the camera and mouths the words “How did we get here?” Through the back window of the car the viewer can see the police car dramatically explode at the side of the road as the scene slowly fades to darkness.
The scene fades back to focus and displays the text two hours earlier.
Bifford, Earl, Boris, and Kenny are walking around a Christmas Tree lot where trees are being sold. Everyone else is wearing a mask and keeping a distance from everyone, but the four men seem unafraid of any virus (since they all eat dolphin meat, which makes one immune to Covid-19, a virus started by Bifford in late 2019). Bifford walks up to a giant Christmas tree and looks up at it.
Bifford: See this tree? It embodies The Big Bifford.. huge, sturdy, natural and built to last, and nobody is going to pick this thing up and throw it over their shoulder and carry it out of here. How could anyone possibly beat me in the RUMBLE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS with me being this size?
Earl: You got eliminated last time..
Bifford: That wasn’t me. That was The Big Canadian.
Earl: Sure looked like you under a cheap mask..
Bifford (mumbling under his breath): It wasn't cheap...
Bifford scowls at Earl as Kenny begins looking at a sad looking Christmas tree that looks like something out of a Charlie Brown cartoon. Boris walks up behind Kenny with a creepy look on his face.
Boris (whispering in a creepy Russian accent): I’m going to eat you someday, Kenny.
Kenny jumps and takes several steps away from Boris.
Bifford: So who am I wrestling this week to prepare myself for the Righteous Rumble?
Boris (speaking up as he continues to stalk Kenny): It’s a Michael Graves.
Bifford: Michael Graves? Who the hell is that?
Earl: I’ve never heard of him.. I’ll do some Google-Fu.
Bifford (nodding): Good job, Earl.. why haven’t you already done the research, Kenny?
Kenny (glaring): Perhaps because I spend 8 to 10 hours each day preparing corpses for your restaurants, Bifford? Do you know what sort of job that is? Do you know how messy and disgusting and horrible that is? I HATE MY LIFE!
Bifford (laughing): Yeah, if I was a little dork like you, I’d hate my life too.
Boris (whispering to Kenny): I’m going to eat your life.
Kenny steps away from Boris again as Earl looks down at his phone. A carnie-ish looking Christmas tree salesman wearing a face mask over his mouth, but not his nose, walks up to the four men.
Salesman: Gentlemen, how can I help you? Are you looking for a big tree or a small tree?
Bifford: Can I ask you a question, my good sir.. What do you do the rest of the year when you’re not selling Christmas Trees?
Salesman (chuckling nervously): My family and I live a very simple life off the grid.. there’s 8 of us, but we all survive living a modest life on our Christmas tree sales each November and December. I’ll be honest, business has been slow in 2020.. I’m not sure if I might need a job to provide for my family.. but normally, we aren’t heard from other than November and December each year.
Bifford looks over at Kenny and Boris and gives them a look. The three men all nod – obviously agreeing that they’re going to kill this nice salesman and his whole family and use them as meat for sandwiches. The darkness of this moment is probably felt by the home viewer. The three men stand in silence for just a bit too long and the salesman begins to look nervous. Meanwhile, Earl looks up from his phone looking confused.
Earl: I’m confused.. dude looks like a lady.
Bifford turns to look at Earl with confusion when Kenny screams out like a girl as Boris has licked the back of his neck.
Kenny: YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU CANNIBAL FREAK!
Salesman (starting to look very scared): Ca… cann.. cannibal?
Boris (in a thick Russian accent): Cannibal in Russian means lover.. we are homosexual lovers!
Boris grabs Kenny and begins hugging him as Kenny screams out in horror.
Bifford (raising his voice): Children! Behave!
Salesman (confused): These men are your children?
Bifford (rolling his eyes): No, I was speaking metaphorically. I do have a son, but he’s only appeared like twice over the last ten years and honestly we just forget about him most of the time.
Salesman: How old is your son?
Bifford: Bifford Junior? Who knows? I’m not even sure where we keep him or who takes care of him. My hands are full enough with these weirdos..
Earl (disgusted): She’s kinda hot.. but I think she’s a man.. and crazy.. and I don’t even know what this weird video I just watched was.. It was like a bad zombie movie and I don’t even think she.. he.. it.. mentioned you.
Boris walks over to Earl and looks over his shoulder, studying his phone screen.
Salesman (starting to back away): Well, you gentlemen let me know if you need anything else..
The salesman walks away in a slightly hurried pace. Kenny walks right up to Bifford.
Kenny (whispering): Biff, I think that guy knows something is not right about it.. I think he suspects that we are cannibals and is going to go call the police.. If he calls the police, they’re going to search your town car. If they search your town car, they’re going to find all sorts of DNA evidence. We’re all going to go to prison for a very long time.
Bifford (glaring at Kenny): Then why aren’t we murdering that man and his family and turning them into chicken sandwiches yet?
Kenny (whipering): Because they’re in public now.. in a few weeks they’re going to retreat into the woods and that’s when we murder people. Remember? We kill people that aren’t going to be missed. The homeless. The weak. The lonely. Both because it’s safer for us and.. strangely.. it seems to make the chicken taste better. Sad and pathetic humans have tastier meat. It’s like veal. Tortured animals taste better.
The salesman can be seen in the background, on his cell phone, loading his wife and children into a van, looking terrified at the men as they stand around bickering about murder and Michael Graves.
Boris (looking at Earl’s phone as he researches Graves): I think it’s great.. that she.. you know is.. being herself. We need more of that in 2020. I’m just going to come out and say it now.. I’m going to come RIGHT OUT OF THE CLOSET.
Boris (looking at Earl’s phone as he researches Graves): I think it’s great.. that she.. you know is.. being herself. We need more of that in 2020. I’m just going to come out and say it now.. I’m going to come RIGHT OUT OF THE CLOSET.
Kenny (looking at Bifford and Earl with confusion): He’s gay and a cannibal?
Boris: NO! I’m just a cannibal..
Kenny: You think we don’t know that? You eat an unholy amount of human flesh.
Boris: I didn’t think you guys knew..
Kenny: You’re listed on Bifford’s website as Boris the Cannibal.
Boris: That doesn’t seem very discreet..
Earl (still looking at his phone): I think it’s a He-She..
Bifford: You think what’s a He-She?
In the distance a police siren can be heard as the van containing the carnie Christmas tree salesman and his family speeds away. Kenny begins to freak out.
Kenny: WE ARE ALL GOING TO JAIL!
Earl: Well at least you won’t need to get all physical with the He-She..
Boris: That’s insensitive!
Bifford: The He-She?
Kenny: WE HAVE TO ESCAPE!
Bifford rolls his eyes and motions for the four of them to head over to the Lincoln Town Car. Bifford walks slowly and casually as though the police aren’t speeding in their direction. Kenny, meanwhile, looks terrified. The four men get in the car and Bifford looks over at Kenny in the seat beside him.
Bifford (like he’s speaking to a child): Kenny, do you have your seatbelt on?
Kenny: JUST FUCKING DRIVE!
Bifford (cringing): Kenny.. you don’t swear.. it’s not becoming of you. Put your safety belt on and then we can leave.
Kenny grabs for the seatbelt and puts it on as Bifford starts the car. Bifford begins smiling with a giant creepy smile and he looks toward Kenny and the two men in the backseat.
Bifford (happily): Who’s ready for a good ol’ fashioned highway chase? It’s like when they chased OJ, except that fucker was guilty as hell. We’re innocent folks..
Kenny (shaking his head): Bifford we’ve killed more humans that OJ Simpson has met in his life.
Bifford shrugs and puts the car in gear and begins driving away as the police sirens get closer; the flashing lights can be seen in the distance out the windows of the car.
Bifford (starting to drive very fast): Worry not, beloved fans.. I have a plan and I will be there at Inferno to vanquish the He-She and begin my rise back to the GCWA main event!
The scene fades to darkness as the police chase Bifford through the Texas countryside.