I'M GOING TO SIT DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING. Good luck.
Dec 16, 2020 18:56:43 GMT -6
Deana Barrows, Jack Puffer, and 1 more like this
Post by The Big Bifford on Dec 16, 2020 18:56:43 GMT -6
The screen flashes from black to a moment of static to the image of The Big Bifford and Earl the Popcorn Salesman walking around what appears to be a massive old train station that has been immaculately preserved and kept quite beautiful. They look around at the immenseness of the space, the tall ceilings, the echoing acoustic, the open space and beauty that surrounds them. Text is shown at the bottom of the screen that reads UNION STATION, KANSAS CITY, MO.
Earl: Well, this is a hell of a place..
Bifford: This was once a bustling train station, Earl.. Important people, normal folks, and even the poor would come here and board a train with the destination being their future. Good men rode these trains to go do amazing things. Evil men rode these trains to go rain terror upon those they wanted to harm. This was a center of society..
Earl: And now..
Bifford: Well, now people holds exhibitions here, there’s a decent brunch place, there’s some boutique stores.. and soon, there will be a chicken sandwich restaurant.
Earl: You’re going to serve your cannibal sandwiches here in this gorgeous building?
Bifford: I’m gonna sell a lot of chicken sandwiches here, Earl.
Earl (motioning with his hands): “Chicken.”
Bifford nods and the two men keep walking. In the distance one can see that Boris the Cannibal and Kenny the Intern have entered the train station too. Both men, taken by the immensity of the space, look up in awe, and then begin looking around. Bifford and Earl casually stroll in their direction. As they get closer, it is apparent that Kenny and Boris are nervous as they look at one another, nervously scratching their necks and breathing at an increased pace.
Bifford: So I assume you murdered the carnie Christmas Tree Salesman and his whole family?
Kenny: Uh.. well.. we tried. Gave it the ol’ college try.
Bifford (glaring): You didn’t murder them in cold blood and turn them into chicken sandwiches?
Kenny (looking like he’s going to pass out): We killed him and his wife and 6 of his children..
Boris (blurting out in a thick Russian accent): One escaped.. and now he’s stalking us.
Bifford (glaring even more angrily): Stalking us? And you decided to come here!?
Kenny: Listen, Biff.. we’ve become pretty good at hunting down and killing people. This ain’t just some normal kid. He’s like a 16 year old ninja. Dude’s been escaping us since Saturday. He leaves threatening Post-It notes on our car. He says he knows what we’re doing and after he avenges his family..
Boris: Then he will go to the press.. it’ll be all over the CNN.
Bifford reaches up and rubs his forehead, obviously frustrated with his stooges not doing his bidding appropriately. Meanwhile, Kenny looks around with some amount of paranoia.
Kenny: And I just want to warn you.. this kid is like a freakin’ ninja.. he could be anywhere.
Bifford: Take me through what happened.. How did he escape?
The scene becomes a bit fuzzy and then clears up to display the carnie salesman and his family in what appears to be a medium sized log-cabin somewhere in the woods. They aren’t particularly good actors and don’t look natural at all – they look like actors waiting for a scene to begin as they just stand around the cabin. Suddenly the front door bursts open and Kenny and Boris walk in. Boris has a sword and begins swinging it around madly. The camera moves about like a bad action movie, never showing the actual sword hitting anyone. Fake blood is thrown and splattered on the walls, the camera focusing on that.
Kenny (voice-over): Like any time we’ve attacked our enemies.. we burst through the front door and Boris attacked with his sword.. it was chaos as carnie body parts went flying in every direction.
An obviously fake decapitated human arm slams into the wall and falls to the ground.
Kenny (voice-over): But as I watched the carnage, I saw the salesman’s 16 year old son stand up and jump through a window, breaking the glass like it was nothing, or like he was a police SWAT member or something.. He escaped through the broken window and we haven’t seen him since.
After the window is broken and the child escapes, the scene slowly becomes fuzzy again and then clears back up to the four men standing around Union Station.
Bifford (sighing): You couldn’t run and catch this kid?
Kenny (shrugging): We tried but he either had an amazing hiding place or he’s faster than anyone we’ve ever encountered.
Bifford (groaning in pain): What next you idiots?
Boris (continuing the story in his thick Russian accent): Then we took bodies and we put them in truck and took them to refrigeration. When we left our warehouse, though, we noticed a Post-It note on the side of the truck. It said “I will have my revenge for what you did to my family.”
Boris reaches into his pocket and produces a Post-It note with messy handwriting.
Kenny: Then we got on the road to come here and stayed at a cheap motel for the night half-way.. When we woke up in the morning.. another Post-It note.
Kenny produces a note that reads “I know what you’re doing. I know about the dead bodies. I know about the sandwiches. I will have my revenge and then I will expose you to the mainstream media.”
Bifford (rolling his eyes): We just need to come out publicly in support of Joe Biden and then the mainstream media will bury this story and we can continue selling our sandwiches..
Kenny: Not if this kid murders us all.
Bifford: He’s a child, Kenny. You kill adults all the time.. hell, you kill children. Orphans. You know how much people love orphan meat.
Kenny (sighing): Ugh.. my life is so horrible.
Bifford rolls his eyes and motions for the three other men to follow him. He walks through the Union Station and looks directly into the camera and speaks.
Bifford: I’m not afraid of some 16 year old ninja.. I’ve dealt with much worse in my career. I’m the one who put the nail in the coffin of the career or Derek the Mobley. I’ve beaten Lurrr three times. Duce Jones, Mario Maurako, The Lost Soul, Dangerous Dan.. I’ve beaten them time and time again. What happened this past Friday night was a travesty of justice, but we all know I could have pinned that He-She and probably would have 99 other nights out of 100. But I still won. I am the winner. The record books say so. So when it comes to this weekend, I’m going to get into that Rumble and I’m going to sit down right in the middle of that ring and ain’t nobody gonna move me. Then when I see someone who pisses me off, I’ll stand up, toss them out, and then go right back to my seat in the middle of the ring. I’m not some loser who is going to end up being thrown over the top. I’m The Big Bifford. I’m a two-time GCWA Champion and I’m going to be the first and only three-time GCWA Champion that this company will ever see. I’ll prove to all the haters that I’m exactly what Ace has always seen as – The World Champion.
Kenny (apparently able to hear Bifford’s monologue): Ace hasn’t been around in a while..
Bifford rolls his eyes and turns a corner and motions for the men to look.
Bifford: Behold, gentlemen.. our new flagship franchise of Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken.
The camera turns to look in their point of view and shows a glorious new chicken sandwich restaurant amid the impressive historic train station. A large sign below the BIFFORD’S SANDWICHES OF CHICKEN sign reads COMING SOON JANUARY 2021. Some contract workers are buzzing about cleaning and preparing the sandwich restaurant, which looks like it is mostly set up for takeout but there are also some tables and chairs for people to eat at. The camera pans to show the four men looking at the restaurant in awe – enjoying their newest success. Behind them, however, one can see a small figure in a ninja costume sneaking up behind them and then hiding behind a large plant that is there for decoration.
Bifford: Gentlemen, this is where we are going to serve the very best chicken sandwiches that mankind has ever known..
Kenny: You mean that mankind has ever been physically a part of..
Boris: We do make delicious sandwiches..
Earl: Yeah, you would think that, you filthy cannibal..
Boris glares at Earl and then looks over at Kenny and smiles. Kenny jumps and moves to the other side of Bifford, putting a massive human between him and the cannibal who wants to eat him.
Bifford: This is where we are going to make some real money, boys.. This is why we have to deal with this ninja child that you guys are unable to thwart. We can’t have anyone coming in here and making trouble while we are getting ready for the grand opening.
Earl: Shouldn’t we be focusing on The Righteous Rumble?
Bifford: Ah yes.. the RUMBLE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS.. who else do I know that’s in this thing?
Earl pulls out his phone and begins examining it.
Earl: Well.. names you’d remember.. Chad Vargas.
Bifford (laughing): He won that Goldfish and Baby Turtle match back when they let me run OCW for a night..
Earl: Uh.. Alice Knight.
Bifford: OWL is FOOD! I so badly want to toss her over the top rope and eliminate her for good.
Earl: Jack Puffer.
Bifford: Didn’t THE PROCTOLOGIST get like fist deep in his ass after pinning him?
Earl: Yeah I’m pretty sure that happened on television.. man.. we are in a messed up profession.
Bifford: Anyone else?
Earl: There’s a name on here.. Dave Branson. Isn’t Branson your real last name? Maybe you’re related.
Bifford (glaring at Earl): It’s Bronson.. and we don’t mention that here.
Earl: Valice Deathbringer? Wasn’t that your pseudonym when you were hiding from the authorities but still trying to wrestle in OCW under a cloak?
Bifford (shaking his head): Nah, that was Plethora the Perilous.
Kenny (looking surprised): You were Plethora the Perilous!?
Earl: Dude.. it was a 400lbs guy under a cloak who appeared right when the cops were searching for Bifford. How stupid are you?
As the men continue to bicker, the ninja leaves the safety of hiding behind the plant and begins sneaking up closer behind them.
Kenny: I’m not stupid, but it was never explained that Bifford was Plethora!
Earl: Do you need me to explain who The Big Canadian was last Righteous Rumble too? Because it was Bifford under a cheap mask.
Bifford (snapping and yelling at Earl): IT WASN’T CHEAP!
Earl: BUT IT WAS YOU!
Boris (whispering in Kenny’s ear having snuck up behind him): I’m going to eat you.
Kenny (screaming like a girl): GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!
Ninja Kid (shouting to get their attention, holding something in his hand): HEY FUCKERS!
All four men turn to face the Ninja Kid, Bifford’s eyes bulging out as he sees someone dressed as an actual ninja.
Shouting out the words, “EAT THIS, MURDERERS!” the Ninja Kid threw whatever was in his hand at the ground and smoke covers the four men as all four of them begin coughing like they’ve got The Super Rona. As they hack and cough the kid runs by them and begins spray painting the front of the restaurant they were standing in front of. As the smoke clears and the four men look up, their eyes full of tears and looking like they’ve been pepper sprayed, they see that the word MURDERERS is spray painted in red under the BIFFORD’S SANDWICHES OF CHICKEN, COMING SOON sign. The ninja is no where to be found. As the four men catch their breath and get to their feet, the scene fades to darkness.