Post by bobbybourbon on Dec 17, 2020 16:05:11 GMT -6
We open in an average shopping mall, Anytown USA. Although anyone would tell you that the American shopping mall is dying, this mall is thriving and bustling, with a slew of foot traffic from masked, and sparsely unmasked, people walk too and fro, going to J.C. Penney, Auntie Anne's, Hot Topic, another Auntie Anne's, Zumies, Spencer's, Foot Locker, a third Auntie Anne's, Lady Foot Locker, one of a dozen jewelry stores, Lids, Cinnabon, Victoria Secret, Bath and Body Works, yet another Auntie Anne's, some random kiosk where you can get freshly printed t-shirts of memes from over a decade ago, Torrid, and a food court, where no Auntie Anne's are actually located.
Without saying much, the greatest feature in the mall at this time would be the huge Christmas Tree along with the bloke in a white beard and red suit, the all too traditional Mall Santa. As he sits in place, a long line of families all wait to have their kids appear in a photo with a stranger. A tot approaches a plexiglass barrier with a small hole cut out to hear and speak with the mall Santa, graciously masked up and socially distancing in this foul year of our lord, two thousand and twenty.
"Ho, Ho, ho, Merry Christmas! What is your name?"
The befuddled kid looks at his mom. His mom gestures at the mall Santa. The mall Santa waits patiently.
You know who doesn't wait patiently?
"That is NOT the real Santa!"
From outta nowhere, Bobby Bourbon, making his on screen debut for GCWA and holding a half eaten pepperoni stuffed pretzel, bedecked in a festive but not specifically holiday themed mask and bitchin' B.O.B. hoodie, which can be found on the B.O.B. merchandise website which appears on screen just below Bobby, letting you know that today is the last day to order one and have it shipped to you by
B. Bourbon: I know it goes without saying, everybody knows that's Santa's pal in disguise, but the REAL Santa wouldn't need plexiglass or masks, he's MAGIC. I don't know if this joker is trying to just take you good people's hard earned money, which can be spent on B.O.B. merchandise, on trips to see B.O.B. perform in the ring, trips to B.O.B. camps where we teach basket weaving and swimming and stuff, and other wonderful B.O.B. products like the B.O.B. Air Fryer, the B.O.B. automatic breast-pumper for lactating moms, and the super popular B.O.B. dental insurance! While that Santa is not real, B.O.B. is!
The people waiting on Santa all roar in approval. As dastardly as B.O.B. is in the ring, knowing no bounds when it comes to underhanded tactics, the people just plain love them in this here shopping mall. People toast each other with pretzels. The kid waiting to speak with Santa blows him off and points at Bobby, the real hero here. The mall Santa looks irate, stands up, and snarls.
B. Bourbon: Woah, shit!
The mall Santa's outfit rips away from his body as it turns out to be an eight foot tall mutant with antennae, claws, and other bear and insect like features! It screeches a guttural and vicious screech. Bobby drops his pretzel in a snap and charges at it, and takes it down, crashing through the plexiglass! Mounted atop it, Bobby rips it's antennae off and then lobotomizes it with them!