THE NINJA TAKES KENNY, BORIS, AND EARL, ONLY BIFFORD REMAINS
Dec 17, 2020 19:25:04 GMT -6
Deana Barrows, Vargas, and 2 more like this
Post by The Big Bifford on Dec 17, 2020 19:25:04 GMT -6
Text is displayed on a black screen: ONE HOUR AGO.
The screen flashes from black to a moment of static to the image of The Big Bifford holding a camera. The large man is breathing heavy, is covered in sweat, and is badly illuminated as he runs through what appears to be a forest or some woods – it’s all very Blair Witch Project-ish. The sun has obviously set. Darkness covers the land. The large man appears to be out of breath as he glances around with paranoia.
Bifford: I don’t know where this ninja kid is.. I don’t know who is dead and who is alive. I think Kenny is dead. I don’t even know how we got here.. and I sure as hell don’t know how we’re going to get out of this. I think he’s conspiring.. with.. with.. THE TREES!!!
Back to static, and then the screen goes black with text displayed: YESTERDAY
The scene clears up again, showing the cover of The Kansas City Star with the headline: NEW CHICKEN RESTAURANT AT UNION CENTER TARGETED BY PETA. Accompanying the story is a large picture of Bifford holding a chicken and smiling, with a smaller picture of the word MURDERER spray painted in red under the BIFFORD’S SANDWICHES OF CHICKEN, COMING SOON sign.
Bifford (monologue over view of the paper): It was easy to explain the graffiti.. left wing animal rights maniacs have been coming after people who serve delicious meat to people for years.. Nobody would suspect this was anything else. In fact, it gave me some great publicity for my business – thank you, young ninja.
The newspaper is opened and a few other stories are visible, including one about the homeless population of Kansas City MO disappearing at an alarming rate.
Bifford (monlogue): The truth is, my dear viewer, I’ve faced much scarier threats than some 16 year old ninja kid. Sure, this guy can throw some smoke bombs and thwart people like Kenny and Boris.. But I’m The Big Bifford. A two time GCWA Champion, a former OCW Champion, a Hall of Famer in every wrestling company I’ve ever regularly been a part of. I’ve beaten them all – I’ve retired Derek the Mobley. So come Sunday, I’m going to throw some people out of the ring.. Alice Knight, I’ve got your number and I know where you need to go: right over the top. OWL is FOOD. Chad Vargas? I always liked you – you’re a hell of a lower midcard act: over the top rope. Same with all the rest. I don’t care who you are, if you come to my spot – in the middle of the ring, seated like a gentleman – or you piss me off, I’m going to toss you out of the ring. Then once I’m alone with just one competitor, I will stand up and I will toss whoever that is so far from that ring that they’ll be in Kansas state. I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am to let ninja children bother me – and I’ve worked too hard to not add WINNER OF THE RUMBLE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS to my resume. So Jack the Puffer – I’m not going to anally violate you like Ehud of Moab’s kid did – but it’s going to hurt just as bad. GCWA, here I come.
The scene fades back to darkness as fans wonder if Bifford’s minions have been killing the homeless and turning them into chicken sandwiches in Kansas City, MO. The scene fades back in as the text TWO DAYS AGO is displayed. Bifford, Earl, Kenny, and Boris are all standing around recovering from the smoke bomb of pepper spray that was thrown at them by a 16 year old ninja. Bifford, using a handkerchief to dry his tears, looks at his colleagues.
Bifford: Okay – we need to divide up the labor. Earl, you call the media and tell them about the spray paint.
Earl: Shouldn’t we like paint over it and try to hide it?
Bifford: All publicity is good publicity.
Earl: Dude.. It says we’re killers.
Bifford: We kill chickens, Earl.. it was done by PETA.
Earl (under his breath): Damn.. evil fucker has a strategy for every damn situation.
Bifford (turning to face Kenny): Kenny, I want you to get some maps of the area. Find places where a kid with no money and no resources can stay and hide out. Come up with a list of ten places..
Kenny nods and runs off.
Bifford (looking at Boris): Boris, I know you have skills.. human hunting skills. I want you to track this kid down, look for clues, and if you find him I want him dead. Deader than dead. Double dead. You kill him and then you fucking kill him again.
Boris: That seems like overkill.. but okay.
Boris begins looking around at the ground, looking for foot tracks or shoeprints. The camera meanwhile focuses on Bifford. Turning to look at his defaced restaurant, Bifford scowls.
Bifford (under his breath): This can’t be the work of just any normal 16 year old punk..
Turning around, Bifford sees Boris looking around and walks over to him, “hey man, where did you find that Christmas Tree salesman and his family?”
Boris (looking up): The woods.. cabin in the middle of nowhere in Texas..
Bifford (gasping when he hears the word woods): An ancient enemy has resurfaced… THE TREES.
Boris looks at Bifford with confusion, since he didn’t know Bifford back when he was afraid of the trees and feuding with Smokey the Bear. Sensing this was a weird conversation, Boris looks back down at the ground and walks away, searching for clues. Bifford, however, turns to face the camera.
Bifford: Many years ago I murdered a bear named Smokey the Bear, since he was aiding and supporting my only mortal enemies: the trees. I always knew that Smokey was a promiscuous bear.. Obviously, he slept with that Christmas Tree salesman’s wife and knocked her up.. and they ended up with some sort of ninja son who could escape Boris, unlike the rest of the family without any superpowers. I must end this before it gets out of hand..
The scene fades to darkness and the text EARLIER TODAY is displayed as the scene fades in to Bifford and his three henchmen driving in Bifford’s Lincoln Town Car.
Bifford: Explain to me again how you came up with this place, Kenny? Boris has been tracking for two days and has found nothing..
Kenny: I found that carnie Christmas Tree salesman’s name and found out he owns a plot of land in the Walnut Woods Conservation Area. They apparently travel there from Texas a few times a year to camp. Why anyone who lives in the woods would go somewhere else to also live in the woods, I have no idea.
Bifford (pointing at Kenny in the passenger seat): See this, Earl? See this Boris? This is the sort of ingenuity that I expect from my henchmen.
Kenny: Thank you, Biff.
Bifford: It’s Mr. Bronson to you.
Kenny: Huh? I’ve called you Biff or Bifford for years.
Bifford: No you haven’t.
The four men continue driving in awkward silence.
Earl: So Bifford are you really gonna just sit in the middle of the ring and win the Righteous Rumble that way? Because that’s a pretty bad ass strategy, if you ask me.
Bifford: That’s the plan, Earl.
Boris (taking a bite out of a chicken sandwich): These Kansas City homeless people taste kinda stringy.
Earl (cringing): Can you not eat your human sandwiches right around us? Or at least if you do, don’t identify where the humans are from?
Boris: Okay.. I won’t tell you.. until the day that I..
Boris motions toward Kenny and both he and Earl burst into laughter. “You know.. EAT KENNY!” Boris exclaims and both he and Earl laugh even harder.
Kenny (pointing ahead): NINJA AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!
Bifford swerves and we hear the sound of a person being run over with a car as the scene fades to darkness. In the darkness the text is displayed TEN MINUTES LATER and the scene reopens in the car.
Kenny (shrugging): Who would think there are two people just walking around dressed like ninjas?
Bifford (shrugging): We would have probably killed that random stranger and turned them into chicken sandwiches eventually.. Wearing the ninja suit just made their fate come sooner than it otherwise would have.
Earl (looking confused): So is the plan to kill all of humanity?
Bifford shrugs, obviously not having given this much thought. Suddenly as they drive they hear something land on the roof of the car. All four men look up at the ceiling, obviously thinking the same thing. “That can’t be,” Earl begins. “But it can.. he’s a ninja,” Boris continues. “What do we do?” Kenny asks, looking at Bifford. Grabbing the steering wheel, Bifford begins swerving the car violently from side to side as he screams, “ROT IN HELL NINJA SCUM!” A hand in black clothing reaches through the open passenger side window and grabs Kenny the Intern by the neck and begins pulling him out of the car. Kenny’s eyes bulge and he screams, “THE FIRST NINJA WAS A TRAP! HE’S GONNA KILL US!” as Kenny is pulled out of the vehicle and toward the roof. Bifford, thinking fast, tries to swerve even harder but the car goes flying off the road and crashed violently into a tree.
Bifford (trying to shout, but kinda hurt from the crash): Every man for himself.. live or die of your own merits..
Opening his car door, Bifford grabs the camera that is mounted on the dashboard and takes off into the wooded area beside the road. Earl and Boris meanwhile undo their seatbelts and get out of the car just as Bifford disappears into the woods. Somehow, there is still a camera there to shoot them.
Boris: Damn it.. I knew I should have killed Kenny sooner. Now that ninja will kill him and I won’t have any chance to murder him and taste his delicious milky white flesh.
Earl (cringing): That’s messed up man.
A dart comes out of nowhere and hits Boris in the neck. He looks at Earl with a confused look on his face and then collapses to the ground. Earl’s eyes grow wide with terror and he takes off running toward where Bifford was, but before he’s able to get into the wooded area, he finds himself face to face with the 16 year old ninja kid.
Ninja: I don’t know who you are.. but I know you keep bad company. Tell me why I shouldn’t kidnap you and take you to the place where I took Kenny and am about to take that Russian cannibal.
Earl: I’m an artisanal popcorn chef. All I make is popcorn. I don’t include humans.. I just happen to hang out with some people who do some messed up stuff. The fat one pays me a six-figure salary to prepare popcorn for him. Popcorn salesmen don’t make that sort of money, so I jumped at it and have stayed for some messed up stuff. You let me go, and I’ll never hang out with any cannibals again.
Ninja: Did you try any of the sandwiches?
Earl: Well, of course.. they’re delicious sandwiches.. But I won’t eat them anymore.
The ninja stands there, thinking it over. He motions for Earl to leave. However, once Earl turns the ninja tackles him from behind and begins dragging him into the woods.
The scene fades slowly to darkness and text is displayed THE PRESENT. Bifford is walking at the side of the road and spots a pickup truck. He signals for it to pull over and Bifford climbs into bed of the truck. Still holding the camera, he looks into it. “I don’t know who this kid is.. but once I’m done with the rumble, I’m going to hunt him down and get revenge for any of my sidekicks that he’s killed. There will be judgment day for him after the Rumble.” As Bifford is driven off into the night, the scene fades to darkness.
