Post by 𝕽𝖆𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝕯𝖊𝖆𝖉 on Jan 6, 2021 20:13:48 GMT -6
Long ago, my future was bright. Early 90s probably. All the magazines predicted I would be a huge star one day. That didn't play out exactly as predicted. Sure, I won dozens of championships all over the world. Sure, I was inducted in a few Halls of Fame. Sure, I made enough money to retire a long, long time ago. But then I just kept beating the proverbial dead horse long, long after my prime.
Much of the last five years is a blur. My head was all out of sorts. I didn't know up from blue or right from Tuesday. Somehow the only thing I knew was wrestling. Deep down, it called to me and I answered. I tore up Trinity Wrestling… Fans Wrestling Federation… Alberta Wrestling Federation… Action Wrestling. It was arguably the best run of my thirty year career. And then… I died. Some of the fuckheads on the scene today think it's a gimmick.
Nope.
I'm fucking dead.
I have no pulse. I have no heartbeat. I haven't seen my (living) loved ones since the day I died. None of this shit makes any sense. But here I am. A dead guy wrestling in GCWA. I'm not the future of this company. That would imply that GCWA has a future. Instead I am the present of GCWA… and ultimately its downfall. You opened Pandora's Box by allowing me to cross over from Hell to do stupid shit here. Whatever harm comes to this company at my hands… you only have yourselves to blame.
My prime ended five years ago. I can proudly admit that. Everything after was borrowed time. I fought to the fullest until my last breath… and now I'm going going to take all that is precious to you. All your awards are belong to me. All your cash earnings are belong to me. All your championships are belong to me. The beginning of the end is whatever the fuck the GCWA Unified X-Division Championship is. A quick Google search would explain to me what that is… but the 5G here in Hell is the shits. Turns out they really are using it to spy on us. I have my whole apartment lined with tin foil to block it out.
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
The man who holds the honor (probably) of being GCWA United C-Section (or whatever) Champion is some jamoke called Outcast. What is this… 1999?! That is the most backyard wrestling name I've seen since backyard wrestling was cool. I'm sure he thinks he's a badass asskicker. He's probably confident that he'll beat me so bad that I'll wish I hadn't been beaten so bad. He's sooooo tough, walkin' 'round with his big dick energy like he's going to hold a candle to the demon fucking Raging Dead. I've eaten pieces of shit like him for breakfast and still had room for souls. No. Really. I just ate Jeffrey Dahmer for breakfast on Sunday.
He was a bit gamey.
Comcast (huh) has no idea what kind of Hell is waiting for him at Friday Night Inferno. I've spent six years in Hell over the last six months. Words cannot properly describe how awful this has been. Castaway (eh) is the type of thick headed putz who would believe that existence is punishment. No, dearie. Being continually fed your intestines is punishment. Being sodomized by a flaming pineapple is punishment. Being forced to watch the Best of Mike Zybala on loop for eighty-six hours is punishment.
You can't tell a man spending his entire fucking afterlife in Hell that you're having such a rough time on Earth. You have no idea how bad shit really is down here, OuTLaW (still wrong). Take your vitamins and say your prayers, brother. You don't want to end up being my neighbor. Your darkness ain't got shit on my hood, dude. I'm not a fucking zombie, a poltergeist, or a delusional fucking idiot. I'm a demon. I'm a monster. I'm a Hellion. I'm the Raging Dead. Put some respecc on my name, Outhouse!
I am the soon-to-be (hopefully) Global… Chamionship… Wrestling… Allia---Association Underpants Z-Stream Champion! Outmatched (wut) doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell (heh) at keeping me down long enough to secure a victory over me! I'm the undefeated, undesirable, undead, underfunded, undetermined, unstoppable Raging Dead! Winner of such matches as every single one I've had so far in GCWA! I've beaten more superstars than Outwitted (woof) can scramble eggs with! That ain't no yoke!
What does the future GCWA look like with Raging Dude as GCWA Untitled Xfinity Champion? Really. Ducking. Sad. I'll take that belt over to jerk around on Dystopia every single ducking week. Mike Zybala and I go way, way back. He'll give me every top billing until the end of days, brother. He'll give title shots to all the Outsiders: Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon, C. Thomas Howell, Patrick Swazye, Emilio Estevez, Tom Cruise. All their butts are belong to me, dude!
So… Outcast (got it)... how are you going to handle losing to the greatest superstar to come to this swamp since .-.. .. ... ... .. . / .... --- .--. .?! What kind of therapy will GCWA have to pay for?! How many of your fans will turn the channel (or whatever) once you are no longer cHaMpIoN?! Only time will tell! One thing is for gosh dang sure: I am going to take a dump in the middle of the ring on Friday! Don't believe me?! JuSt WaTcH!!!!1
A lot of this doesn't quite land right. My brain is mush. My soul is on fire. My body is detached from my reality. It's a truly bizarre situation, friends. I am living in Hell for eternity… and somehow I'm able to crossover to Dallas to… wrestle. It's weird. It's not right. What the fudge is happening?! This stuff is all whacky! How are you people okay with me besmirching your great organization?! WhO oF yOu wiLL stOP me?!!?!!1 Not Kyra Moore or Betty Granger or Xtreap or AnYoNe! Certainly not OUTcast!!!2
Lemme do some good ol' fashion research on this nerd. GET YA butts rEaDy!!! Dude's name is Outcast (lame). He's taller than me (wow) and heavier than me (fataaaasss). He doesn't have custom entrance music like mine (thanks Z Mann Zilla). He's male (ok) and he's from Chicago (faaaaart). He was born on the tough streets (not in a hospital or backseat of a Honda). He ran away (weak) from home to wrestle in Mexico (ole). He's maybe a hundred years old (geezer). He's on the last leg of his lengthy career (woof). He does a bunch of (soft) maneuvers. This human turd statue doesn't even do the Twitter machine!
He's got a high sense of self-worth. He sees himself as this ultimate tough guy who will steamroll over any and all challengers. He was undefeated in 2020 and that's pretty darn cool (meh). That made him one of the top earners in the company (double meh). Wins and money don't mean shizz to me. There aren't even any banks in Hell. He's been a staple in GCWA for decades (grandpa) and I'm fresh to this whole system. We are not alike in any way… so obviously we will be TaG tEaM cHaMpIoNs in NO TIME!!!7
Who are the Tag Team Champions these days?
WE'LL FIGHT 'EM!
First we have to fight each other. Only one of us walks out as GCWA Unitard Zzyzx Road Champion (me). It shouldn't come as a surprise that…
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Sorry. I had a shit day. Headache beyond headache. I sat on my couch all day watching the Hell on Earth shitshow in Washington DC. There was going to be more to this systematic autopsy of the living corpse called Outcast. I'm still going to fight the shit outta him at Inferno. Belieeeeeeve that.
Much of the last five years is a blur. My head was all out of sorts. I didn't know up from blue or right from Tuesday. Somehow the only thing I knew was wrestling. Deep down, it called to me and I answered. I tore up Trinity Wrestling… Fans Wrestling Federation… Alberta Wrestling Federation… Action Wrestling. It was arguably the best run of my thirty year career. And then… I died. Some of the fuckheads on the scene today think it's a gimmick.
Nope.
I'm fucking dead.
I have no pulse. I have no heartbeat. I haven't seen my (living) loved ones since the day I died. None of this shit makes any sense. But here I am. A dead guy wrestling in GCWA. I'm not the future of this company. That would imply that GCWA has a future. Instead I am the present of GCWA… and ultimately its downfall. You opened Pandora's Box by allowing me to cross over from Hell to do stupid shit here. Whatever harm comes to this company at my hands… you only have yourselves to blame.
My prime ended five years ago. I can proudly admit that. Everything after was borrowed time. I fought to the fullest until my last breath… and now I'm going going to take all that is precious to you. All your awards are belong to me. All your cash earnings are belong to me. All your championships are belong to me. The beginning of the end is whatever the fuck the GCWA Unified X-Division Championship is. A quick Google search would explain to me what that is… but the 5G here in Hell is the shits. Turns out they really are using it to spy on us. I have my whole apartment lined with tin foil to block it out.
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
The man who holds the honor (probably) of being GCWA United C-Section (or whatever) Champion is some jamoke called Outcast. What is this… 1999?! That is the most backyard wrestling name I've seen since backyard wrestling was cool. I'm sure he thinks he's a badass asskicker. He's probably confident that he'll beat me so bad that I'll wish I hadn't been beaten so bad. He's sooooo tough, walkin' 'round with his big dick energy like he's going to hold a candle to the demon fucking Raging Dead. I've eaten pieces of shit like him for breakfast and still had room for souls. No. Really. I just ate Jeffrey Dahmer for breakfast on Sunday.
He was a bit gamey.
Comcast (huh) has no idea what kind of Hell is waiting for him at Friday Night Inferno. I've spent six years in Hell over the last six months. Words cannot properly describe how awful this has been. Castaway (eh) is the type of thick headed putz who would believe that existence is punishment. No, dearie. Being continually fed your intestines is punishment. Being sodomized by a flaming pineapple is punishment. Being forced to watch the Best of Mike Zybala on loop for eighty-six hours is punishment.
You can't tell a man spending his entire fucking afterlife in Hell that you're having such a rough time on Earth. You have no idea how bad shit really is down here, OuTLaW (still wrong). Take your vitamins and say your prayers, brother. You don't want to end up being my neighbor. Your darkness ain't got shit on my hood, dude. I'm not a fucking zombie, a poltergeist, or a delusional fucking idiot. I'm a demon. I'm a monster. I'm a Hellion. I'm the Raging Dead. Put some respecc on my name, Outhouse!
I am the soon-to-be (hopefully) Global… Chamionship… Wrestling… Allia---Association Underpants Z-Stream Champion! Outmatched (wut) doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell (heh) at keeping me down long enough to secure a victory over me! I'm the undefeated, undesirable, undead, underfunded, undetermined, unstoppable Raging Dead! Winner of such matches as every single one I've had so far in GCWA! I've beaten more superstars than Outwitted (woof) can scramble eggs with! That ain't no yoke!
What does the future GCWA look like with Raging Dude as GCWA Untitled Xfinity Champion? Really. Ducking. Sad. I'll take that belt over to jerk around on Dystopia every single ducking week. Mike Zybala and I go way, way back. He'll give me every top billing until the end of days, brother. He'll give title shots to all the Outsiders: Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon, C. Thomas Howell, Patrick Swazye, Emilio Estevez, Tom Cruise. All their butts are belong to me, dude!
So… Outcast (got it)... how are you going to handle losing to the greatest superstar to come to this swamp since .-.. .. ... ... .. . / .... --- .--. .?! What kind of therapy will GCWA have to pay for?! How many of your fans will turn the channel (or whatever) once you are no longer cHaMpIoN?! Only time will tell! One thing is for gosh dang sure: I am going to take a dump in the middle of the ring on Friday! Don't believe me?! JuSt WaTcH!!!!1
A lot of this doesn't quite land right. My brain is mush. My soul is on fire. My body is detached from my reality. It's a truly bizarre situation, friends. I am living in Hell for eternity… and somehow I'm able to crossover to Dallas to… wrestle. It's weird. It's not right. What the fudge is happening?! This stuff is all whacky! How are you people okay with me besmirching your great organization?! WhO oF yOu wiLL stOP me?!!?!!1 Not Kyra Moore or Betty Granger or Xtreap or AnYoNe! Certainly not OUTcast!!!2
Lemme do some good ol' fashion research on this nerd. GET YA butts rEaDy!!! Dude's name is Outcast (lame). He's taller than me (wow) and heavier than me (fataaaasss). He doesn't have custom entrance music like mine (thanks Z Mann Zilla). He's male (ok) and he's from Chicago (faaaaart). He was born on the tough streets (not in a hospital or backseat of a Honda). He ran away (weak) from home to wrestle in Mexico (ole). He's maybe a hundred years old (geezer). He's on the last leg of his lengthy career (woof). He does a bunch of (soft) maneuvers. This human turd statue doesn't even do the Twitter machine!
He's got a high sense of self-worth. He sees himself as this ultimate tough guy who will steamroll over any and all challengers. He was undefeated in 2020 and that's pretty darn cool (meh). That made him one of the top earners in the company (double meh). Wins and money don't mean shizz to me. There aren't even any banks in Hell. He's been a staple in GCWA for decades (grandpa) and I'm fresh to this whole system. We are not alike in any way… so obviously we will be TaG tEaM cHaMpIoNs in NO TIME!!!7
Who are the Tag Team Champions these days?
WE'LL FIGHT 'EM!
First we have to fight each other. Only one of us walks out as GCWA Unitard Zzyzx Road Champion (me). It shouldn't come as a surprise that…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Sorry. I had a shit day. Headache beyond headache. I sat on my couch all day watching the Hell on Earth shitshow in Washington DC. There was going to be more to this systematic autopsy of the living corpse called Outcast. I'm still going to fight the shit outta him at Inferno. Belieeeeeeve that.