Post by SportsEntertainmentXpress on Jan 16, 2021 14:04:22 GMT -6
StarDate 20210117:
Space Lord and The Cowboy have returned with Privates Pizza and Bug Girl, and Sargent Spot. The band is back together, but they are missing two key members. Major Helmet, killed in battle, and First Mate Kirk suffered an even worse fate… retirement in Kentucky.
The Sports Entertainment Xpress and the Desolator crew are sitting at a local Waffle House, the place where a freak can be a freak. They are discussing how to fill the vacant position over some waffles, eggs, and the absolute best thing you can get at Waffle House scattered hash browns. While crushing some sausage links Marshall notices that Space Lord isn’t eating, and is only staring down at his Mountain Dew.
Brother, is everything ok?
Without looking up from his coffee Space Lord says, “It just isn’t the same without Helmet. He was my loyal companion for over a decade. I still can’t…”.
Space Lord trails off and a single solitary tear rolls down his cheek. Space Lord wipes it away, saying “What is this liquid escaping my body?”.
Brother, it’s called a tear. I shed more than one myself over the death of Helmet.
The table grows silent, and the mood changes from that of a family reunion to one of a funeral. Bug Girl sits her fork down and with a mouth full of waffles asks, “wait, you guys think Helmet is dead?”.
Space Lord perks up like a dog when its master has come home.
You’re telling me he isn’t? He expired in my arms though.
No, that is what he wanted you to think. He knew as long as you thought he was alive, that you would think he was leading a rebellion. He also believed that his death would turn you from the dark side.
Marshall, Space Lord and The Cowboy look at each other, all disappointed in their selves. Then suddenly Space Lord perks up as if a light bulb has flashed on in his head. He jumps to his feet in excitement.
We must get Helmet, and we must get him now. Do you know where he is?
Bug Girl gives a coy smile.
Of course, I know where my maaaannnnn…. Major is.
Bug Girl blushes a bit, but looks around and sees that no one notices her slip up. Bug Girl then grows nervous thinking about the news she has to deliver.
“Welllll???” Space Lord asks in a tone that shows he is growing tired of waiting on a response.
He’s… he’s in Bartertown.
Space Lord sinks back into the booth, his face covered with dread. The Cowboy drops his head as well. Marshall notices the entire crew looks both sad and worried.
Brothers, what is Bartertown?
Without looking up, Spot begins to explain to Marshall.
Bartertown is a remote and tiny market-planet outpost situated in the midst of the baron wastelands left behind from the Turner wars. The primary focus and income are the trade and bartering with scavengers in the surrounding galaxy, and travelers passing through. But then there is….
Spot falls silent, and the entire Waffle House grows silent. So silent, you can hear the grim spreading.
THE DOME!
Space Lord slams his fist on the table.
We have to get Helmet before he is forced into the dome.
But he wouldn’t be sent to the dome, he went there to find new armor.
If something bad could happen, it will happen to Helmet. Desolators… ROLL OUT!
It’s been hours since our heroes left Waffle House and they are cruising through space. Space Lord sits in his captain’s chair, clearly nervous as he chews his fingernails and his leg cannot stop bouncing. From the Guest of Honor seat, Marshall notices his friend's nervousness and hates seeing him like this.
Brother, let’s take a walk.
Space Lord follows his friend, and they walk around the Starship Desolator for several minutes not saying anything. As they walk aimlessly around the halls of the massive ship, Marshall begins talking to try and ease Space Lord's mind.
Brother, Helmet is going to be ok. He has proven time and time again he can take care of himself. War Games, the battle at the Quidditch arena, other times as well I’m sure. He’s resilient and downright love-able. We’re going to find him, and we are going to get him back on this ship where he belongs.
Space Lord says nothing at first but finally stops and slams his fist into the wall of the ship.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE FIRED HIM!
Brother, it’s my fault. If I hadn’t brought in Flavor then Helmet could have kept his job.
No, they were my crew, it is my fault. If he… if he….
Space Lord cannot even finish his thought and drops his head. Just then Marshall notices the Holodeck door just ahead of them. Marshall puts his arm around Space Lord.
Brother, let’s take your mind off of this for a minute.
How?
It’s been a while since we delivered a good S.E.X monologue. Come on, I got just the setting.
What setting is that?
Any setting we want.
Monologue:
In a matter of minutes, Marshall and Space Lord is in the holodeck, but more specifically they are standing on the 50-yard line of Bills Stadium (real original name guys, what you can’t even get a corporate sponsor?). It is snowing heavily, but S.E.X is in their gear, and not even experiencing shrinkage due to the cold.
Zybala, brother, we aren’t here because we know you love the Bills, no brother, we are here because you and Lucas Thames are like the Buffalo Bills of the nineties. I know you know what I mean Zybala, but I’ll explain to everyone else out there who isn’t a Bills fan. The Bills went to four straight Superbowl’s from ninety to ninety-four, and of those four trips, they won exactly zero. They could get to the big dance, but brother they just couldn’t finish the job. If that isn’t a dead-on example of Zybala and Thames, then brother I don’t know what is. You guys get to the championship, but you always get second place, and second place sucks brother. If you aren’t first you’re last, because second place is just the first loser. It’s like being the biggest kernel of corn in the turd.
And ya know brothers, Terry Marshall has been coming in second place for a little while now too. I got the stigma of them saying S.E.X couldn’t win the tag team titles when I was in the ring, that it had to be Space Lord and the Cowboy. People saying Terry Marshall can’t get the job done, but brother I showed last week that I can get the job done when I beat a pretty impressive opponent in E.W. Montgomery, and I’ll show everyone I can get the job done when I leave one of you two looking at the lights.
Straight up, I got no problem with either one of you two and hold you both in high regard with respect, but you guys called us out and asked for this. So, we’re going to show Life Before Death, that there is life after death when we plant you two six feet deep.
LBD, you requested S.E.X, but you should take a lesson from your planet’s fables. Be careful when you cry wolf because a wolf might just appear.
Uh, brother, that isn’t exactly how those sayings go.
IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW THE SAYINGS GO!
I have created my own saying, and after Friday night it will ring true for millennia to come. That saying is this, when you ask for S.E.X you will get S.E.X and S.E.X will come hard and fast.
Marshall can’t help but snicker, Space Lord looks at him but only for a moment before continuing his intense monologue.
LBD, we do not have an issue, but after we’re done beating you, you’ll need a tissue. BECAUSE YOU WILL BE CRYING! Space Lord is back, S.E.X is back, and we are coming to bang… BIG BANG!
I understand more than anyone wanting a challenge and a glorious battle. I have traveled the cosmos defending my crown as the supreme intergalactic champion. I see the honor in your request for battle, and I will honor that request. But your request will be met with a furious storm known as the Sports Entertainment Xpress, and you should know we are coming to bang.
BIG BANG!
That is what you will feel, all the heat and intensity of a big bang and you will feel your heart stop when you are…
THUNDERSTRUCK!
Suddenly the simulation ends, and the Bills stadium, just like their Superbowl dreams soon will be, is gone. The Duo stands in an empty room, and both look a bit surprised that the simulation has ended and their monologue cut short. Suddenly Pizza’s voice blares over the intercom.
Captain, we have reached Bartertown.
Meet us in the deploy bay.
Space Lord and Marshall meet the rest of the crew (minus Pizza who stays behind to man the ship and would only slow them down) at the deploy bay. Marshall is shocked to see Spot and Bug Girl dressed like Strangler and Masher, you know S&M type gear, leather-clad, but for some reason, Bug Girl has one shoulder pad and Spot has big spiked gauntlets. The Cowboy is dressed in all black leather, jack, hat, fingerless gloves, everything leather, maybe even his underwear.
What in the world are you all wearing?
We’ve got to blend in.
Marshall turns to see Space Lord is now wearing fur trunks, with fur boots, and squirrel tails in place of his tassels.
Brother, what kind of place is this?
Let’s just say it makes Stranglers basement look like Chucky Cheese.
Brother, I look ridiculous.
Un uh, look ready for Bartertown, uh-huh.
Who runs Bartertown?
Shock Blaster?
That faaaaaaaatttt baaaaasssssttttaaaardddd… uh, I’d like to see you body slam him, Terry, uh-huh. He crushed one of my horses he did.
It sounds like we need to get down there and get Helmet.
We do, why are we wasting time talking, let’s go.
In a matter of moments, S.E.X and the Crew are walking through the crowded and dirty streets of Bartertown that resemble a late 80’s/early 90’s post-apocalyptic movie set. In the middle of Bartertown, there is a giant metal dome that shines bright in the sky. Marshall pauses and stares at it.
What is that?
That is Thunderdome, pray that we do not see it.
What is Thunderdome?
It’s uuuhhhh, the bastard father of the hell in a cell.
Space Lord pulls Marshall by the arm, as the masses of the dirt city are trying to push around them.
We are going to see Aunty Turner; she will know where Helmet is.
What makes you think she will know.
She knows everything about Bartertown, she runs the town.
But you said Shock Blaster ran Bartertown.
The crew stops in their tracks, Space Lord sighs and shakes his head, not wanting to have to explain everything to Marshall She runs the town, Blaster runs the fuel, so in essence, Blaster runs Bartertown.
Space Lord notices Spot has his ears dropped and looks nervous.
Spot, I thought you and Turner resolved your issues.
Umm… well, by resolved do you mean I joined your crew and never told her I was leaving and haven’t spoken to her in eight years.
Oh brother.
That uuuhhhhhh, might be aaahhhhh problem.
Spot, maybe you and Bug Girl should…
Space Lord is cut office by a shrieking voice.
At the sight of her, Spots ears drop farther and his tail tucks between his legs. He sheepishly says, “uh, hi Aunty”.
She gives a wicked smile.
Spot, why don’t you and your friends join me at my dwelling.
Uh, that’s ok, thank you. We are just here looking for a lost friend.
Oh, it wasn’t a request.
Suddenly the crew is surrounded by over twenty soldiers, all pointing spears at them.
To be continued.
Space Lord and The Cowboy have returned with Privates Pizza and Bug Girl, and Sargent Spot. The band is back together, but they are missing two key members. Major Helmet, killed in battle, and First Mate Kirk suffered an even worse fate… retirement in Kentucky.
Brother, is everything ok?
Without looking up from his coffee Space Lord says, “It just isn’t the same without Helmet. He was my loyal companion for over a decade. I still can’t…”.
Space Lord trails off and a single solitary tear rolls down his cheek. Space Lord wipes it away, saying “What is this liquid escaping my body?”.
Brother, it’s called a tear. I shed more than one myself over the death of Helmet.
The table grows silent, and the mood changes from that of a family reunion to one of a funeral. Bug Girl sits her fork down and with a mouth full of waffles asks, “wait, you guys think Helmet is dead?”.
Space Lord perks up like a dog when its master has come home.
You’re telling me he isn’t? He expired in my arms though.
No, that is what he wanted you to think. He knew as long as you thought he was alive, that you would think he was leading a rebellion. He also believed that his death would turn you from the dark side.
Marshall, Space Lord and The Cowboy look at each other, all disappointed in their selves. Then suddenly Space Lord perks up as if a light bulb has flashed on in his head. He jumps to his feet in excitement.
We must get Helmet, and we must get him now. Do you know where he is?
Bug Girl gives a coy smile.
Of course, I know where my maaaannnnn…. Major is.
Bug Girl blushes a bit, but looks around and sees that no one notices her slip up. Bug Girl then grows nervous thinking about the news she has to deliver.
“Welllll???” Space Lord asks in a tone that shows he is growing tired of waiting on a response.
He’s… he’s in Bartertown.
Space Lord sinks back into the booth, his face covered with dread. The Cowboy drops his head as well. Marshall notices the entire crew looks both sad and worried.
Brothers, what is Bartertown?
Without looking up, Spot begins to explain to Marshall.
Bartertown is a remote and tiny market-planet outpost situated in the midst of the baron wastelands left behind from the Turner wars. The primary focus and income are the trade and bartering with scavengers in the surrounding galaxy, and travelers passing through. But then there is….
Spot falls silent, and the entire Waffle House grows silent. So silent, you can hear the grim spreading.
THE DOME!
Space Lord slams his fist on the table.
We have to get Helmet before he is forced into the dome.
But he wouldn’t be sent to the dome, he went there to find new armor.
If something bad could happen, it will happen to Helmet. Desolators… ROLL OUT!
It’s been hours since our heroes left Waffle House and they are cruising through space. Space Lord sits in his captain’s chair, clearly nervous as he chews his fingernails and his leg cannot stop bouncing. From the Guest of Honor seat, Marshall notices his friend's nervousness and hates seeing him like this.
Brother, let’s take a walk.
Space Lord follows his friend, and they walk around the Starship Desolator for several minutes not saying anything. As they walk aimlessly around the halls of the massive ship, Marshall begins talking to try and ease Space Lord's mind.
Brother, Helmet is going to be ok. He has proven time and time again he can take care of himself. War Games, the battle at the Quidditch arena, other times as well I’m sure. He’s resilient and downright love-able. We’re going to find him, and we are going to get him back on this ship where he belongs.
Space Lord says nothing at first but finally stops and slams his fist into the wall of the ship.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE FIRED HIM!
Brother, it’s my fault. If I hadn’t brought in Flavor then Helmet could have kept his job.
No, they were my crew, it is my fault. If he… if he….
Space Lord cannot even finish his thought and drops his head. Just then Marshall notices the Holodeck door just ahead of them. Marshall puts his arm around Space Lord.
Brother, let’s take your mind off of this for a minute.
How?
It’s been a while since we delivered a good S.E.X monologue. Come on, I got just the setting.
What setting is that?
Any setting we want.
Monologue:
In a matter of minutes, Marshall and Space Lord is in the holodeck, but more specifically they are standing on the 50-yard line of Bills Stadium (real original name guys, what you can’t even get a corporate sponsor?). It is snowing heavily, but S.E.X is in their gear, and not even experiencing shrinkage due to the cold.
Zybala, brother, we aren’t here because we know you love the Bills, no brother, we are here because you and Lucas Thames are like the Buffalo Bills of the nineties. I know you know what I mean Zybala, but I’ll explain to everyone else out there who isn’t a Bills fan. The Bills went to four straight Superbowl’s from ninety to ninety-four, and of those four trips, they won exactly zero. They could get to the big dance, but brother they just couldn’t finish the job. If that isn’t a dead-on example of Zybala and Thames, then brother I don’t know what is. You guys get to the championship, but you always get second place, and second place sucks brother. If you aren’t first you’re last, because second place is just the first loser. It’s like being the biggest kernel of corn in the turd.
And ya know brothers, Terry Marshall has been coming in second place for a little while now too. I got the stigma of them saying S.E.X couldn’t win the tag team titles when I was in the ring, that it had to be Space Lord and the Cowboy. People saying Terry Marshall can’t get the job done, but brother I showed last week that I can get the job done when I beat a pretty impressive opponent in E.W. Montgomery, and I’ll show everyone I can get the job done when I leave one of you two looking at the lights.
Straight up, I got no problem with either one of you two and hold you both in high regard with respect, but you guys called us out and asked for this. So, we’re going to show Life Before Death, that there is life after death when we plant you two six feet deep.
LBD, you requested S.E.X, but you should take a lesson from your planet’s fables. Be careful when you cry wolf because a wolf might just appear.
Uh, brother, that isn’t exactly how those sayings go.
IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW THE SAYINGS GO!
I have created my own saying, and after Friday night it will ring true for millennia to come. That saying is this, when you ask for S.E.X you will get S.E.X and S.E.X will come hard and fast.
Marshall can’t help but snicker, Space Lord looks at him but only for a moment before continuing his intense monologue.
LBD, we do not have an issue, but after we’re done beating you, you’ll need a tissue. BECAUSE YOU WILL BE CRYING! Space Lord is back, S.E.X is back, and we are coming to bang… BIG BANG!
I understand more than anyone wanting a challenge and a glorious battle. I have traveled the cosmos defending my crown as the supreme intergalactic champion. I see the honor in your request for battle, and I will honor that request. But your request will be met with a furious storm known as the Sports Entertainment Xpress, and you should know we are coming to bang.
BIG BANG!
That is what you will feel, all the heat and intensity of a big bang and you will feel your heart stop when you are…
THUNDERSTRUCK!
Suddenly the simulation ends, and the Bills stadium, just like their Superbowl dreams soon will be, is gone. The Duo stands in an empty room, and both look a bit surprised that the simulation has ended and their monologue cut short. Suddenly Pizza’s voice blares over the intercom.
Captain, we have reached Bartertown.
Meet us in the deploy bay.
Space Lord and Marshall meet the rest of the crew (minus Pizza who stays behind to man the ship and would only slow them down) at the deploy bay. Marshall is shocked to see Spot and Bug Girl dressed like Strangler and Masher, you know S&M type gear, leather-clad, but for some reason, Bug Girl has one shoulder pad and Spot has big spiked gauntlets. The Cowboy is dressed in all black leather, jack, hat, fingerless gloves, everything leather, maybe even his underwear.
What in the world are you all wearing?
We’ve got to blend in.
Marshall turns to see Space Lord is now wearing fur trunks, with fur boots, and squirrel tails in place of his tassels.
Brother, what kind of place is this?
Let’s just say it makes Stranglers basement look like Chucky Cheese.
Marshall shivers at the thought of Stranglers basement. “Here, wear these”, Bug Girl says as she hands Marshall an arm full of clothes. Marshall goes into a bathroom to change and when he emerges cannot believe what he looks like. Metal shoulder pads, gauntlets, a chest plate, and massive boots, he looks like he could be a commando in suburbia.
Brother, I look ridiculous.
Un uh, look ready for Bartertown, uh-huh.
Who runs Bartertown?
Everyone grows silent, and Marshall sees Space Lord clench his fist in rage. Space Lord begins to shake for a moment and through gritted teeth says, “Shock Blaster”.
Shock Blaster?
That faaaaaaaatttt baaaaasssssttttaaaardddd… uh, I’d like to see you body slam him, Terry, uh-huh. He crushed one of my horses he did.
It sounds like we need to get down there and get Helmet.
We do, why are we wasting time talking, let’s go.
In a matter of moments, S.E.X and the Crew are walking through the crowded and dirty streets of Bartertown that resemble a late 80’s/early 90’s post-apocalyptic movie set. In the middle of Bartertown, there is a giant metal dome that shines bright in the sky. Marshall pauses and stares at it.
What is that?
That is Thunderdome, pray that we do not see it.
What is Thunderdome?
It’s uuuhhhh, the bastard father of the hell in a cell.
Space Lord pulls Marshall by the arm, as the masses of the dirt city are trying to push around them.
We are going to see Aunty Turner; she will know where Helmet is.
What makes you think she will know.
She knows everything about Bartertown, she runs the town.
But you said Shock Blaster ran Bartertown.
The crew stops in their tracks, Space Lord sighs and shakes his head, not wanting to have to explain everything to Marshall She runs the town, Blaster runs the fuel, so in essence, Blaster runs Bartertown.
Space Lord notices Spot has his ears dropped and looks nervous.
Spot, I thought you and Turner resolved your issues.
Umm… well, by resolved do you mean I joined your crew and never told her I was leaving and haven’t spoken to her in eight years.
Oh brother.
That uuuhhhhhh, might be aaahhhhh problem.
Spot, maybe you and Bug Girl should…
Space Lord is cut office by a shrieking voice.
SPOT! YOU SON OF A SHIH TZU!
The crew turns to see a dark-skinned woman who looks like an amazon clad in steel mesh. She stands on a platform that is carried on the shoulders of four massive warriors. On the platform is a throne, but she had stood up at the sight of Spot.
At the sight of her, Spots ears drop farther and his tail tucks between his legs. He sheepishly says, “uh, hi Aunty”.
She gives a wicked smile.
Spot, why don’t you and your friends join me at my dwelling.
Uh, that’s ok, thank you. We are just here looking for a lost friend.
Oh, it wasn’t a request.
Suddenly the crew is surrounded by over twenty soldiers, all pointing spears at them.
To be continued.
