A trip to the IKEA for MURDER turns into another NIGHTMARE..
Jan 20, 2021 22:47:23 GMT -6
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Post by The Big Bifford on Jan 20, 2021 22:47:23 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the image of The Big Bifford standing around an IKEA. The text SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS is displayed under him as he looks around at the modern Swedish furniture before him. Several employees, in the background, watch in horror – terrified that Bifford will attempt to sit on one of the sofas or chairs – but he appears to be just browsing. Some of the text of his DANGEROUS DAN IS AMAZING t-shirt is visible, though much of it is covered by his ample and well-fluffed MAGICAL FLEECE, which seems to blow in the wind even though the man wearing it is indoors. A man in a genie costume, whom loyal GCWA fans would recognize as being the stagehand Bifford recruited last week on Inferno, walks up to Bifford – his face showing that he’s not thrilled to be wearing this costume out in public. Bifford smirks.
Bifford: Ah, Carmichael.. I see the costume fits you well.
Carmichael: This is stupid, Bifford. Why do I have to be a genie?
Bifford: Because when I rub you I get good luck and my wishes all become reality.
Bifford raises his hands as though he’s going to rub Carmichael’s arm, but the man in the genie costume takes a step away, glaring at Bifford.
Carmichael: You know – this is a highly risky job. I just realized that the ninja who wants you dead for revenge and who has kidnapped and possibly killed your previous staff is still out there. I don’t want to be wearing this ridiculous costume that just draws more attention to me. I want to be able to sleep at night and feel safe in my own home.
Bifford (under his breath): Then you definitely picked the wrong guy to work for..
Carmichael (hearing a bit of what Biff said): What was that?
Bifford (clearing his throat): Nothing.. I just have something in my throat.. I hope it’s not the Rona.
The two men share an uncomfortable moment of silence as they look at each other. They don’t really know how to interact naturally the way Bifford and his previous assistants did.
Carmichael: Why are in IKEA?
Bifford: Well, it’s a really confusing store and so we set up a chicken-sandwich-making station in one of the storage areas and I’ve rearranged some of the arrows on the floor so some people will end up there.
Carmichael: And then.. they’re.. killed and turned into chicken sandwiches?
Nodding casually, Bifford acts like this is no big deal.
Carmichael: Who is killing and butchering these people? I thought Kenny and Boris did that.
Bifford (laughing): Kenny and Boris were in charge of a large team that did a lot of the work.. I want to get them back from that ninja, but the operation will go on without them. The chain of supply and demand cannot be interrupted. America demands the best chicken sandwich ever cooked and they demand it now.
Carmichael (whispering loudly): It’s NOT chicken..
Bifford (whispering loudly back): It’s chicken if we call it chicken.
Bifford smiles as he sees a man and his teenage son and daughter following his arrows on the floor. He looks at Carmichael and nods, chuckling a bit.
Bifford: Those three.. they’re gonna be better off anyway.
Carmichael: How do you figure?
Bifford (shrugging): I don’t know man, that’s just something we say to keep ourselves from feeling too bad about the massacre of human lives and cannibalism that we promote as our business model.
Sighing deeply and touching his face to show his stress, Carmichael shakes his head and looks back at Bifford, trying to change the subject.
Carmichael: So what are you doing to prepare for your match this week with Xavier Lux?
Bifford: The same thing I always do. I mentally prepare myself to win. I picture myself taking my opponent, who is much smaller than me and weaker than me, and then piledriving him. Then I picture myself using my weight – which is pretty much as much as his whole tag team weighs and putting that weight on him, so he is unable to get off the canvas. This prepares me for what’s going to happen at Inferno – because Xavier Lux is going down.
Carmichael: I’m glad you’re able to remember who you’re fighting this week.
Bifford: Well, usually I have to ask Earl to tell me about my opponent, but with him kidnapped and my current staff better at granting wishes than doing research, I needed to do some Google-Fu.
Suddenly a number of people begin crowding in the section of IKEA with all the desks and desk chairs, which is right beside where Bifford and Carmichael are lurking. The two men walk over and look at what people are congregating around – a television that is showing CNN.
Carmichael: Look at that.. a new President for our country.
Bifford (furrowing his brow): Hold on.. you mean Bush isn’t President anymore?
Carmichael shoots a side look at Bifford with some concern on his face.
Carmichael: Bush..?
Bifford (looking at the television with confusion): Who the hell is that? They elected Ehud to replace Bush? IS that Ehud of Moab?
Old Lady (giving Bifford a dirty look): It’s President Biden, have some respect..
Stepping away from the crowd, Bifford shakes his head. Carmichael follows him, keeping a few steps distance between them to avoid being rubbed for good luck or wishes.
Bifford: It just won’t be the same without a Bush in the White House..
Carmichael: George W. Bush hasn’t been president for like 12 years, Bifford..
Bifford: George W. Bush? The governor of Texas? No.. I’m talking about George H. W. Bush.
Carmichael: He’s been dead for years.
Bifford rushes at Carmichael and begins rubbing his arms and shoulders vigorously.
Bifford: I wish to return to a simpler time.. a time when George H. W. Bush was president..
Carmichael: There was a whole lot of war back then..
Rolling his eyes, Bifford looks at Carmichael with suspicion since he rubbed him, but nothing happened. Continuing to move away from the crowd, Bifford looks at Carmichael.
Bifford: So what do you know about my opponent this week?
Carmichael: He has a good record.. 13-3-1.. he was half of the Tag Team Champions for like 9 days before they lost the belts... and... he tags with the guy you actually wanted to fight.
Bifford: He tags with the guy in the grape costume?
Carmichael: No.. we went through this already. That guy is probably dead. He's been killed multiple times in skits over the years. You challenged Marcus Ka'Derrion, who has the second best record in the GCWA.
Bifford: Who has the best?
Bifford and Carmichael both do RVD Thumbs and shout out "T! B! B!" as they do. Some people look at them strangely like they might be crazy, but then those same people begin following the arrows on the ground that lead them toward Bifford’s trap, causing the large bearded wrestler to smile with glee.
Carmichael: How many people do you have working back there? Lots of people have went back there.. it must be.. it must be a bloodbath.
Bifford (shrugging): There’s Arachne.. and Martin the Chef.. and Steve The Strangler.
Carmichael: I don’t think I remember Steve.
Bifford (shaking his head): He’s never been on camera.. he’s just one of Boris the Cannibal’s guys.
Carmichael: Is he a cannibal too? Are Martin and Arachne in danger?
Bifford (shrugging): I assume everyone is constantly in danger. There’s a deranged ninja out there.
As soon as Bifford says this, viewers at home see the ninja who kidnapped Earl the Popcorn Salesman, Kenny the Intern, and Boris the Cannibal right before the Righteous Rumble. He hides behind some lamps and watches Bifford and Carmichael from a distance.
Carmichael: Do you have a plan to get your people.. assistants.. friends.. whatever they are.. back?
Bifford: As soon as I find out where this ninja took them, I’ll go myself. I’m not afraid of some ninja.
Bifford and Carmichael beginning digging through a bin of discount clearance items as Bifford mumbles something about “being on a fixed income.” Meanwhile, behind them the ninja is moving quickly, his hands moving 100 miles an hour as he toys around with some object. After a few moments he lifts the item up and it appears to be an massive Swedish version of LITE-BRITE. The ninja has stuck colored pegs in there to spell out the words “NOBODY DIED HERE TODAY. ARACHNE, MARTIN, and STEVE ARE GONE. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FAMILY.” The ninja sets it up so it is facing Bifford and Carmichael. The ninja ducks out of the frame and disappears just before about 20 alarm clocks begin going off simultaneously right near the LITE-BRITE display. Bifford and Carmichael look up from their discount bin and see the message. They stare at each other with looks of confusion and terror and then both of them take off, dashing down the path of Bifford’s arrows, where people should be being murdered and turned into sandwiches. Both men run around a corner and find themselves in an empty room. Arachne, Martin and Steve are gone - there’s no sign of them or of any struggle or of their violent tasks they were supposed to be doing.
Bifford: I need to kill that ninja and all of his family..
Carmichael: You already killed his family, Bifford. That’s why this is happening. Why don’t you just use chicken in your sandwiches and forget about having to kill people. NOBODY cares if you kill chickens except fringe environmentalists.
Bifford: I care. Nobody wants to eat chicken. People want delicious sandwiches and that is what I have provided and will continue to provide.
Carmichael: You never learn, do you?
Bifford: I don’t learn, because I do the teaching. This Friday night, I’m going to show Xavier Lux that he should stick to tag team wrestling. I didn’t challenge him and I didn’t want to fight him, but now I’m going to take out my frustrations involving this ninja on him. I’m going to beat him up, piledrive him, and pin him. Then once I find out where this ninja lives and where he’s keeping Earl, Kenny, Boris, Steve, Arachne, and Martin - I’ll get all of my friends back.. and we will have a big party.. and eat that freakin’ ninja’s family.
Carmichael: I don’t think I want to be invited to that party..
Bifford: I didn’t invite you.. did I? Maybe I’ll serve you there too.
The two men glare at each other for a moment before Bifford bursts into laughter and begins rubbing Carmichael’s arms, “I wish for some fried oysters!” Bifford proclaims, looking around to see if any food will magically appear. None does. The big man looks at Carmichael with a disapproving glare, disappointed that rubbing the man in the genie costume continues to produce no results. As Bifford steps away, he looks right at the camera.
Bifford: Xavier.. When I eliminated you at the RUMBLE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, I never planned to see you again. Now you’re going to end up with two losses on your record to The Big Bifford. You need to learn to stay out of my business and not challenge men who are twice your size. Good luck, Friday, little buddy - you’re going to need it. Tell your tag team partner that he should fight his own battles next time.
With that Bifford walks back into the IKEA main store as the scene fades to darkness.