Pizza and Jail Cells
Feb 24, 2021 22:41:06 GMT -6
Deana Barrows and Alessandro Quagliaterre like this
Post by Crash Rodriguez on Feb 24, 2021 22:41:06 GMT -6
We open on Crash and his group of friends sitting in a pizzeria, but not just any pizzeria, but rather one designed for family and children entertainment. Lou is eating a slice of pepperoni pizza. The excess cheese drips into his mouth, and his face lights up with pure enjoyment. Crash begins talking, his voice low and calm.
“Does he even know what he’s about to step into?”
“Moooo”
Crash begins to scratch the top of the cow’s head, Daniel bobs his head in pleasure.
“That’s right Daniel, he’s walking straight into hell itself. I mean, Alison-dro Kiola-Terry is simp-”
“Mooo”
“What do you mean that’s now how you pronounce it?”
“MoOOooo”
Crash slams his fist into the table, irritated at having been corrected.
“Ok, then if that’s not his fucking name then what is it?”
“Mooo”
“No way. I can’t even make my mouth do those sounds. Some kind of Lovecraftian chant. Probably racist. Did you know Lovecraft’s cat’s name wa-”
“Mooo”
“You’re right. That’s not the point. Lou, we need your help. I need your help.”
Lou finishes his slice and as he wipes his mouth he looks back and forth between Crash and Daniel.
“Ok, Fine. I’ll help you find a way to beat that annoying little pest.”
“Lou, We want you back for good. Us three can crush this little fuck’s neck, wrap him in barbedwire and just bash em with beer bottles.”
Daniel moos and Crash nod’s his head.
“Oh, that’s right. Sorry Dandan, I always forget you don’t actually have thumbs, let alone opposable ones.”
“Look, I love this idea of us and a cow assaulting this misguided attention seeker. But to put it simply. I think you’re more than enough. Now you know I don’t do that kind of dirty work.”
Daniel agrees, his Moo sounding the same as it always does.
“You’re right. Plus, Daniel’s a pussyfist”
“Mooo”
“Oh my bad. He’s a pacifist.”
Daniel the cow seems to be indifferent, as Mr. Pohl pulls out his wallet to pay for the meal.
“Now gentlemen, it was a great meal, but I do have other clients to attend to.”
Louis stands up to leave but is cut off by Crash.
“Sit down Lou.”
The lawyer looks around the restaurant noticing the amount of people.
“Crash, this is a public gathering, I don’t think you’d be willi-”
“Two words. Karate Dojo”
Louis sits down again, rather petrified. Surely, if the man would hurt children in a karate dojo, then Crash will hurt him in a child's play place slash eatery.
“Ok fair, but wouldn’t you rather hurt AQ instead of me? I mean think man, why waste the e-”
“You wouldn’t require much effort at all Lou. We both know that. So, instead, you’ll sit and wait until Daniel and I are done eating.”
“Mooo”
“That’s a good point, Dandan.”
Crash starts chuckling loudly, gut busting laughter fills the pizzeria as patrons look in wonder and Lou hides his face in mixed embarrassment and fear. As the booming laughter continues, a high school dropout in a rat costume comes up to the group. From behind the mascot head comes a squeaking, wobbling voice.
“Uhhh. Hello gentlemen, it’s me, Petey Pepperoni. Look, I’m sorry but you’ve been causing a disturbance, plus we have a no pet rule.”
“First off, listen here you little shit. Daniel is a friend, not a pet. And second, I don’t see how a cow isn’t allowed but some oversized rat that looks like they’ve just finished a bath salt trip is alright to parade around this eating establishment.”
The rodent mascot is taken aback at first, but the power of anonymity soon empowers the kid.
“Ok, sir, I’m going to ask you all to leave now.”
Crash stands up and grabs the mascot by their mask, and begins to throttle and shake them around.
“Listen here ‘Pete’, now here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to piss off and leave us alone. In fact, on top of that, for such rude service, you’re also going to pay the bill.”
“I am not doing any of that. Now sir please, let go of me.”
“Fine”
Crash pushes the poor employee to the ground, and without too much time to spare he’s already putting the boots to the kid. As the rodent screams for help, bystanders begin to leave. Sirens wail in the distance as Louis Pohl sneaks out the building. As the cops run into the store they tackle the former crooked man to the ground, and begin to cuff him.
Crash sits in the jail cell, twirling his thumbs around each other. His eyes are heavy, and his knuckles bloodied and bruised. His left eye is swollen and black, and a small stream of dried blood lays beneath his nostril. Despite his injuries, Mr Rodriguez sits smiling and staring dead ahead in a way reminiscent of Norman Bates at the end of Psycho.
It isn’t long before a police officer walks up to the cell. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail, as her eyes hide behind the mirrored aviators.
“Hey, uh… Crash. Just wanted to apologize for the arrest earlier. I’m a big big fan, but I gotta do my job. I’m sure you understand.”
Crash leans forward, his crooked smile in full effect.
“Oh, don’t sweat it. To be honest, I think the time in here has been helpful. You see, I’ve felt distracted as of late, and with all this time in the cell… Well, let’s just say it started with what I would do to Lou for running off, but I realized… These thoughts, they’d be better used for that arrogant fuck Alessandro. I’ve been around here for awhile, sure I’m not a GCWA original, nor a Hall of Fame inductee. But I am easily the most vicious competitor to step into that arena in a very, very long time.”
The officer glares speechless at Crash, but the GCWA talent just continues to talk.
“I’m sick of people like him. I'm sick of this entire goddamn roster's lack of brutality. So this Friday, I’ll show him it’s a better idea to run those legs, instead of running his goddamn mouth. I’ll break his legs. I’ll bash his brains out with light tubes. I’ll run barbed wire across his face, while I shit in his boots. You see, he's walking into my world. He's entering into a hardcore match with the Prince of the Mexican Deathmatch. I've spilt liters of my own blood, and gallons of other people's blood. I've broken bones and ended careers. I'll fucking kill this pretty boy, and send his corpse back to his mama.”
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.”
Crash stands up and approaches the bars. His hands grasp around the metal, as he speaks through gritted teeth.
“The end times are coming, and I ride upon my vehicle of destruction to deliver personal Armageddon. AQ is first in line. But EVERYBODY is next. GCWA is mine, and I’m coming to take everything. So Deana Barrows, this is a mass warning to you and everybody in your shit box promotion.”
“You are in a police station dude, nobody from GCWA is even here. Who are you possibly speaking too?”
The officer seems too confused, is this a personal show for her, just because she mentioned herself as a fan? No answers are given, as Crash Rodriguez simply finishes his speech.
“Does he even know what he’s about to step into?”
“Moooo”
Crash begins to scratch the top of the cow’s head, Daniel bobs his head in pleasure.
“That’s right Daniel, he’s walking straight into hell itself. I mean, Alison-dro Kiola-Terry is simp-”
“Mooo”
“What do you mean that’s now how you pronounce it?”
“MoOOooo”
Crash slams his fist into the table, irritated at having been corrected.
“Ok, then if that’s not his fucking name then what is it?”
“Mooo”
“No way. I can’t even make my mouth do those sounds. Some kind of Lovecraftian chant. Probably racist. Did you know Lovecraft’s cat’s name wa-”
“Mooo”
“You’re right. That’s not the point. Lou, we need your help. I need your help.”
Lou finishes his slice and as he wipes his mouth he looks back and forth between Crash and Daniel.
“Ok, Fine. I’ll help you find a way to beat that annoying little pest.”
“Lou, We want you back for good. Us three can crush this little fuck’s neck, wrap him in barbedwire and just bash em with beer bottles.”
Daniel moos and Crash nod’s his head.
“Oh, that’s right. Sorry Dandan, I always forget you don’t actually have thumbs, let alone opposable ones.”
“Look, I love this idea of us and a cow assaulting this misguided attention seeker. But to put it simply. I think you’re more than enough. Now you know I don’t do that kind of dirty work.”
Daniel agrees, his Moo sounding the same as it always does.
“You’re right. Plus, Daniel’s a pussyfist”
“Mooo”
“Oh my bad. He’s a pacifist.”
Daniel the cow seems to be indifferent, as Mr. Pohl pulls out his wallet to pay for the meal.
“Now gentlemen, it was a great meal, but I do have other clients to attend to.”
Louis stands up to leave but is cut off by Crash.
“Sit down Lou.”
The lawyer looks around the restaurant noticing the amount of people.
“Crash, this is a public gathering, I don’t think you’d be willi-”
“Two words. Karate Dojo”
Louis sits down again, rather petrified. Surely, if the man would hurt children in a karate dojo, then Crash will hurt him in a child's play place slash eatery.
“Ok fair, but wouldn’t you rather hurt AQ instead of me? I mean think man, why waste the e-”
“You wouldn’t require much effort at all Lou. We both know that. So, instead, you’ll sit and wait until Daniel and I are done eating.”
“Mooo”
“That’s a good point, Dandan.”
Crash starts chuckling loudly, gut busting laughter fills the pizzeria as patrons look in wonder and Lou hides his face in mixed embarrassment and fear. As the booming laughter continues, a high school dropout in a rat costume comes up to the group. From behind the mascot head comes a squeaking, wobbling voice.
“Uhhh. Hello gentlemen, it’s me, Petey Pepperoni. Look, I’m sorry but you’ve been causing a disturbance, plus we have a no pet rule.”
“First off, listen here you little shit. Daniel is a friend, not a pet. And second, I don’t see how a cow isn’t allowed but some oversized rat that looks like they’ve just finished a bath salt trip is alright to parade around this eating establishment.”
The rodent mascot is taken aback at first, but the power of anonymity soon empowers the kid.
“Ok, sir, I’m going to ask you all to leave now.”
Crash stands up and grabs the mascot by their mask, and begins to throttle and shake them around.
“Listen here ‘Pete’, now here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to piss off and leave us alone. In fact, on top of that, for such rude service, you’re also going to pay the bill.”
“I am not doing any of that. Now sir please, let go of me.”
“Fine”
Crash pushes the poor employee to the ground, and without too much time to spare he’s already putting the boots to the kid. As the rodent screams for help, bystanders begin to leave. Sirens wail in the distance as Louis Pohl sneaks out the building. As the cops run into the store they tackle the former crooked man to the ground, and begin to cuff him.
Later that night
It isn’t long before a police officer walks up to the cell. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail, as her eyes hide behind the mirrored aviators.
“Hey, uh… Crash. Just wanted to apologize for the arrest earlier. I’m a big big fan, but I gotta do my job. I’m sure you understand.”
Crash leans forward, his crooked smile in full effect.
“Oh, don’t sweat it. To be honest, I think the time in here has been helpful. You see, I’ve felt distracted as of late, and with all this time in the cell… Well, let’s just say it started with what I would do to Lou for running off, but I realized… These thoughts, they’d be better used for that arrogant fuck Alessandro. I’ve been around here for awhile, sure I’m not a GCWA original, nor a Hall of Fame inductee. But I am easily the most vicious competitor to step into that arena in a very, very long time.”
The officer glares speechless at Crash, but the GCWA talent just continues to talk.
“I’m sick of people like him. I'm sick of this entire goddamn roster's lack of brutality. So this Friday, I’ll show him it’s a better idea to run those legs, instead of running his goddamn mouth. I’ll break his legs. I’ll bash his brains out with light tubes. I’ll run barbed wire across his face, while I shit in his boots. You see, he's walking into my world. He's entering into a hardcore match with the Prince of the Mexican Deathmatch. I've spilt liters of my own blood, and gallons of other people's blood. I've broken bones and ended careers. I'll fucking kill this pretty boy, and send his corpse back to his mama.”
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.”
Crash stands up and approaches the bars. His hands grasp around the metal, as he speaks through gritted teeth.
“The end times are coming, and I ride upon my vehicle of destruction to deliver personal Armageddon. AQ is first in line. But EVERYBODY is next. GCWA is mine, and I’m coming to take everything. So Deana Barrows, this is a mass warning to you and everybody in your shit box promotion.”
“You are in a police station dude, nobody from GCWA is even here. Who are you possibly speaking too?”
The officer seems too confused, is this a personal show for her, just because she mentioned herself as a fan? No answers are given, as Crash Rodriguez simply finishes his speech.
“Get ready for your Crash Landing.”