Did Bifford kill Cheasy M? Skydiving and Faked Moon Landing
Nov 5, 2019 18:03:07 GMT -6
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Post by The Big Bifford on Nov 5, 2019 18:03:07 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to the image of Earl the Popcorn Salesman and Kenny the Intern sitting on folding chairs in the middle of what appears to be a small one lane land strip for planes. By the looks of the surroundings, it is likely in Nevada near Las Vegas. Kenny is sipping on a red Slurpee, while Earl takes long sips from a flask.
Kenny: So.. I’ve been thinking a lot about Cheasy M lately.
Earl: The old OCW Commissioner? You’ve been thinking about him? Are you into guys, Kenny? It’s okay, we don’t judge around here.
Kenny: All you and Bifford do is judge.. and no, I’m not “into guys.” But.. Cheasy M..
Earl: Yeah?
Kenny: Do you think he was Bifford’s first murder?
Earl: You think Bifford killed Cheasy M?
Kenny: Think about it.. we work for probably the most murderous man ever in American history. He’s like Hitler but somehow always gets away with it.
Earl: I suppose..
Kenny: And he’s #3 in command of a company.. President Dean gets arrested and then two days later Bifford announces that the #2 in command of the company - Commissioner Cheasy M’s plane has “crashed somewhere in the Orient.”
Earl: So? Planes crash in the Orient sometimes.
Kenny: Usually there’s a more definitive answer as to where a plane has crashed. Usually there is an investigation and official documents. There was none of that with Cheasy M. He just ceased to exist while our madman murderer boss started using OCW to amuse himself, making himself World Champion, and making men ride mules and wrestle in matches with goldfish and baby turtles.
Earl: You’re not wrong about any of this.. but I don’t think Biff was a killer back then.
Kenny: What if Cheasy M started it all?
Earl: Okay.. change the topic, here comes the boss..
The Big Bifford, holding the GCWA Championship down beside him and wearing his MAGICAL FLEECE, walks up to the guys. They stand up from their folding chairs and greet their boss with smiles as though they weren’t just talking about his murderous ways.
Bifford: Okay.. so this Eric Dane has gotten The Biff End banned. No Biff Ends this weekend. What’re we gonna do instead?
Kenny: What about a Powerslam? That way you’re using your weight to your advantage.
Bifford (pointing at Kenny): Good point, I should use my weight to my advantage.
Earl: You have good balance - what if you did a powerslam off the second turnbuckle?
Bifford (pointing at Earl now): See, another good point.. I have good balance.
Both men nod, appreciating the praise their boss is giving them.
Bifford: However, I’m doing neither of those things. I think we all remember how I won the OCW Championship back in the day.. coming off the top rope with a splash and crushing Handy Man.
Both Kenny and Earl share a nervous look and then look back at their boss.
Kenny: Well.. Biff.. that was like.. 17 years ago.. you’re..
Earl: 17 years older now..
Kenny: And you’ve never had a tremendous amount of success coming off the top rope other than that one time..
Earl: Also it was 17 years ago..
Kenny: Also you might fall to your ultimate demise.
Bifford (laughing and waving them off): Silliness.. I’m not going to fall to my demise. I’m going to fall to Eric Dane’s demise. I’ll fall right on top of his lifeless body and that’ll keep him down for the three count..
Kenny: It might also..
Earl: Kill him dead.. make him "chicken sandwiches."
Shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes, Bifford motions for Kenny and Earl to look as a plane pulls up to them on the runway.
Bifford: So to practice, I’ve decided we are going to go skydiving.
Kenny: Bifford, I’m gravely afraid of heights.. and falling.. I feel like I’m going to faint..
Bifford (laughing): Kenny, those two things are related.. I knew of your fear of heights and falling, so I had Earl put something in your Slurpee.
Kenny looks down at his drink and then gives Earl and dirty look as he looks wobbly on his feet. Earl just walks over and starts forcing a parachute onto Kenny and doing all the straps up. Kenny just looks around panicked but like he’s not really able to move.
Bifford: Jumping out of this plane will help me practice for when I jump off the top rope onto Eric Dane. Dane is a vicious guy - he’s obsessed with power and money and he knows how much he will make if he can take a man like me out. But Eric Dane doesn’t have what I have..
Earl: A thriving company based solely on cannibalism?
Bifford: Heart was was I was going for, Earl. Eric Dane lacks heart. I don’t wrestle because of the money or the fame - after all I’m already famous and am on a very fixed income.
The pilot hops out of the plane and runs up to the three men.
Pilot: Mr. Bensen, sir.. here is your new plane and I’m glad to be your new pilot.
Earl (whispering to Kenny): He’s on a fixed income but he just bought another plane..
Kenny appears to be too out of it to respond. Meanwhile the men load themselves into the plane and begin hearing instructions from a skydiving coach. The scene speeds up as the plane takes off and the coach continues instructing the men on how to use their parachutes. Soft music reminiscent of elevator music of old plays as the men listen intently to the coach (other than Kenny who appears to not be able to pay attention due to being heavily drugged). The music finally comes to an end as the coach appears to be done coaching them.
Bifford: See guys? It’s gonna be easy.
Earl: What if Kenny is too drugged to activate his parachute?
Bifford: I’ve got a backup plan, no need to worry.
Earl: Does it involve that weird life-size Kenny stuffed animal you made me pick up the other day?
Bifford: If he dies we will just use the life-size doll in these skits and nobody will ever question it.
Earl: Who will help Boris the Cannibal prepare the meat?
Bifford (smirking at Earl): Let’s just say you better hope he survives the jump.
The three men stand up and begin lining up near the side-door of the plane, preparing to jump. Bifford turns and looks at the camera.
Bifford: You think you can prepare to fight a man like me by sitting around a sushi restaurant and chitchatting about how tough you are, and vicious you are, and what a great technician you are? Eating expensive sushi doesn’t make you any tougher. Coming up with clever phrases like ‘beating me like I owe you money’ isn’t going to help you on Sunday. Las Vegas is a gambling town, Eric Dane, and I’m a gambler. I’m willing to bet that you can’t get up after I squish you into the canvas with a splash off the top rope. And most of all, I’m willing to bet that all the expensive sushi in the world won’t be able to help the embarrassment you’ll feel when you realize this “sad sack of fuck” just pinned you and is keeping the GCWA Championship for a very long time.
Earl looks back at Bifford and the drugged out Kenny and gives the thumbs up before jumping out the door.
Bifford: Eric Dane, you might be better than me in many ways.. but to be honest, you’ll never stack up to me in the wrestling ring. You belong in more boring places like sushi bars - the wrestling ring is a bit too exciting for bores like you. But I like to live life in the fast lane..
Bifford shoves Kenny out the side of the plane and he lifelessly goes flying through the air.
Bifford: You think I’m above my pay grade? Well, that might be true.. but we will see how you like it when something as big as me falls from way above and lands on you. Eric Dane, this is your fate.
With that Bifford leaps out of the side of the plane like he’s going to deliver a splash. A camera man apparently comes along for the ride moving about as though he has never sky dived before and is probably pretty terrified. However, one can see Earl, Kenny, and Bifford all falling at different altitudes toward the desert below them.
Bifford (over the radio): Alright gentlemen.. pull your parachutes in 3.. 2..
Kenny: How do I do that?
Bifford: 1.
No parachutes are visible and the men continue falling toward the earth.
Bifford: It’s not working!
Earl: IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!
Kenny: WHAT DO I DO?
The scene quickly changes to an old cartoon of someone landing in the desert with sand coming up in a plume where they impacted. Text is displayed that says “several hours later,” and then the scene opens in the middle of a very desolate desert landscape. Large cacti spring up around the deserted place. The camera turns around to show that Bifford, Kenny, and Earl are laying on the ground in the sand - however they aren’t covered in blood nor do they appear to be as injured/dead as they would be had this actually happened. Bifford sits up and brushes the sand off of his fleece as he begins pulling himself to his feet.
Bifford: That’s the last time I buy discounted second-hand parachutes..
Earl (getting to his feet): You’re such an cheap fuck.. how did we survive that?
Kenny (standing up but still drugged): Where are we?
Looking around a bit, Bifford points to something in the distance. The three men walk toward the thing and the camera follows behind them. As they get closer, they see it is (a replica of?) the Apollo 11 spacecraft.
Bifford: This.. this must be where the government faked the moon landing.. this is where the footage was shot, right here in the Nevada desert where we happened to land miraculously after our parachutes didn’t open.
Earl (rolling his eyes): What a coincidence..
Kenny (still drugged): Are there aliens?
Walking up to the American flag that is stuck in the sand, Bifford pulls the flagpole out of the ground and tosses it down into the sand.
Bifford: I always knew our government faked this.. whenever I watch the videos, it looks as fake as Eric Dane’s supposed toughness.
Earl (looking off camera): Shit.. we’re in big trouble.
The camera pans to the side and we see about 25 military officers approaching them with automatic weapons pointed at them.
Officer: You gentlemen are going to need to come with us. You are not supposed to be here and you were not supposed to see any of this.
Bifford: Would you believe that we are actually blind?
Officer: Sir, we saw you desecrate the flag by throwing it down onto the ground.. a blind person wouldn’t do that, sir.
Bifford: I thought it was a Russian flag because I can’t see. I didn’t want Russians claiming our faked moon landing.
Officer: Sir, if you were blind you wouldn’t know about the spacecraft.
Bifford: Damn it..
Raising their hands in surrender, Bifford, Earl, and Kenny go with the military guys as the scene fades to darkness.
Kenny: So.. I’ve been thinking a lot about Cheasy M lately.
Earl: The old OCW Commissioner? You’ve been thinking about him? Are you into guys, Kenny? It’s okay, we don’t judge around here.
Kenny: All you and Bifford do is judge.. and no, I’m not “into guys.” But.. Cheasy M..
Earl: Yeah?
Kenny: Do you think he was Bifford’s first murder?
Earl: You think Bifford killed Cheasy M?
Kenny: Think about it.. we work for probably the most murderous man ever in American history. He’s like Hitler but somehow always gets away with it.
Earl: I suppose..
Kenny: And he’s #3 in command of a company.. President Dean gets arrested and then two days later Bifford announces that the #2 in command of the company - Commissioner Cheasy M’s plane has “crashed somewhere in the Orient.”
Earl: So? Planes crash in the Orient sometimes.
Kenny: Usually there’s a more definitive answer as to where a plane has crashed. Usually there is an investigation and official documents. There was none of that with Cheasy M. He just ceased to exist while our madman murderer boss started using OCW to amuse himself, making himself World Champion, and making men ride mules and wrestle in matches with goldfish and baby turtles.
Earl: You’re not wrong about any of this.. but I don’t think Biff was a killer back then.
Kenny: What if Cheasy M started it all?
Earl: Okay.. change the topic, here comes the boss..
The Big Bifford, holding the GCWA Championship down beside him and wearing his MAGICAL FLEECE, walks up to the guys. They stand up from their folding chairs and greet their boss with smiles as though they weren’t just talking about his murderous ways.
Bifford: Okay.. so this Eric Dane has gotten The Biff End banned. No Biff Ends this weekend. What’re we gonna do instead?
Kenny: What about a Powerslam? That way you’re using your weight to your advantage.
Bifford (pointing at Kenny): Good point, I should use my weight to my advantage.
Earl: You have good balance - what if you did a powerslam off the second turnbuckle?
Bifford (pointing at Earl now): See, another good point.. I have good balance.
Both men nod, appreciating the praise their boss is giving them.
Bifford: However, I’m doing neither of those things. I think we all remember how I won the OCW Championship back in the day.. coming off the top rope with a splash and crushing Handy Man.
Both Kenny and Earl share a nervous look and then look back at their boss.
Kenny: Well.. Biff.. that was like.. 17 years ago.. you’re..
Earl: 17 years older now..
Kenny: And you’ve never had a tremendous amount of success coming off the top rope other than that one time..
Earl: Also it was 17 years ago..
Kenny: Also you might fall to your ultimate demise.
Bifford (laughing and waving them off): Silliness.. I’m not going to fall to my demise. I’m going to fall to Eric Dane’s demise. I’ll fall right on top of his lifeless body and that’ll keep him down for the three count..
Kenny: It might also..
Earl: Kill him dead.. make him "chicken sandwiches."
Shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes, Bifford motions for Kenny and Earl to look as a plane pulls up to them on the runway.
Bifford: So to practice, I’ve decided we are going to go skydiving.
Kenny: Bifford, I’m gravely afraid of heights.. and falling.. I feel like I’m going to faint..
Bifford (laughing): Kenny, those two things are related.. I knew of your fear of heights and falling, so I had Earl put something in your Slurpee.
Kenny looks down at his drink and then gives Earl and dirty look as he looks wobbly on his feet. Earl just walks over and starts forcing a parachute onto Kenny and doing all the straps up. Kenny just looks around panicked but like he’s not really able to move.
Bifford: Jumping out of this plane will help me practice for when I jump off the top rope onto Eric Dane. Dane is a vicious guy - he’s obsessed with power and money and he knows how much he will make if he can take a man like me out. But Eric Dane doesn’t have what I have..
Earl: A thriving company based solely on cannibalism?
Bifford: Heart was was I was going for, Earl. Eric Dane lacks heart. I don’t wrestle because of the money or the fame - after all I’m already famous and am on a very fixed income.
The pilot hops out of the plane and runs up to the three men.
Pilot: Mr. Bensen, sir.. here is your new plane and I’m glad to be your new pilot.
Earl (whispering to Kenny): He’s on a fixed income but he just bought another plane..
Kenny appears to be too out of it to respond. Meanwhile the men load themselves into the plane and begin hearing instructions from a skydiving coach. The scene speeds up as the plane takes off and the coach continues instructing the men on how to use their parachutes. Soft music reminiscent of elevator music of old plays as the men listen intently to the coach (other than Kenny who appears to not be able to pay attention due to being heavily drugged). The music finally comes to an end as the coach appears to be done coaching them.
Bifford: See guys? It’s gonna be easy.
Earl: What if Kenny is too drugged to activate his parachute?
Bifford: I’ve got a backup plan, no need to worry.
Earl: Does it involve that weird life-size Kenny stuffed animal you made me pick up the other day?
Bifford: If he dies we will just use the life-size doll in these skits and nobody will ever question it.
Earl: Who will help Boris the Cannibal prepare the meat?
Bifford (smirking at Earl): Let’s just say you better hope he survives the jump.
The three men stand up and begin lining up near the side-door of the plane, preparing to jump. Bifford turns and looks at the camera.
Bifford: You think you can prepare to fight a man like me by sitting around a sushi restaurant and chitchatting about how tough you are, and vicious you are, and what a great technician you are? Eating expensive sushi doesn’t make you any tougher. Coming up with clever phrases like ‘beating me like I owe you money’ isn’t going to help you on Sunday. Las Vegas is a gambling town, Eric Dane, and I’m a gambler. I’m willing to bet that you can’t get up after I squish you into the canvas with a splash off the top rope. And most of all, I’m willing to bet that all the expensive sushi in the world won’t be able to help the embarrassment you’ll feel when you realize this “sad sack of fuck” just pinned you and is keeping the GCWA Championship for a very long time.
Earl looks back at Bifford and the drugged out Kenny and gives the thumbs up before jumping out the door.
Bifford: Eric Dane, you might be better than me in many ways.. but to be honest, you’ll never stack up to me in the wrestling ring. You belong in more boring places like sushi bars - the wrestling ring is a bit too exciting for bores like you. But I like to live life in the fast lane..
Bifford shoves Kenny out the side of the plane and he lifelessly goes flying through the air.
Bifford: You think I’m above my pay grade? Well, that might be true.. but we will see how you like it when something as big as me falls from way above and lands on you. Eric Dane, this is your fate.
With that Bifford leaps out of the side of the plane like he’s going to deliver a splash. A camera man apparently comes along for the ride moving about as though he has never sky dived before and is probably pretty terrified. However, one can see Earl, Kenny, and Bifford all falling at different altitudes toward the desert below them.
Bifford (over the radio): Alright gentlemen.. pull your parachutes in 3.. 2..
Kenny: How do I do that?
Bifford: 1.
No parachutes are visible and the men continue falling toward the earth.
Bifford: It’s not working!
Earl: IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!
Kenny: WHAT DO I DO?
The scene quickly changes to an old cartoon of someone landing in the desert with sand coming up in a plume where they impacted. Text is displayed that says “several hours later,” and then the scene opens in the middle of a very desolate desert landscape. Large cacti spring up around the deserted place. The camera turns around to show that Bifford, Kenny, and Earl are laying on the ground in the sand - however they aren’t covered in blood nor do they appear to be as injured/dead as they would be had this actually happened. Bifford sits up and brushes the sand off of his fleece as he begins pulling himself to his feet.
Bifford: That’s the last time I buy discounted second-hand parachutes..
Earl (getting to his feet): You’re such an cheap fuck.. how did we survive that?
Kenny (standing up but still drugged): Where are we?
Looking around a bit, Bifford points to something in the distance. The three men walk toward the thing and the camera follows behind them. As they get closer, they see it is (a replica of?) the Apollo 11 spacecraft.
Bifford: This.. this must be where the government faked the moon landing.. this is where the footage was shot, right here in the Nevada desert where we happened to land miraculously after our parachutes didn’t open.
Earl (rolling his eyes): What a coincidence..
Kenny (still drugged): Are there aliens?
Walking up to the American flag that is stuck in the sand, Bifford pulls the flagpole out of the ground and tosses it down into the sand.
Bifford: I always knew our government faked this.. whenever I watch the videos, it looks as fake as Eric Dane’s supposed toughness.
Earl (looking off camera): Shit.. we’re in big trouble.
The camera pans to the side and we see about 25 military officers approaching them with automatic weapons pointed at them.
Officer: You gentlemen are going to need to come with us. You are not supposed to be here and you were not supposed to see any of this.
Bifford: Would you believe that we are actually blind?
Officer: Sir, we saw you desecrate the flag by throwing it down onto the ground.. a blind person wouldn’t do that, sir.
Bifford: I thought it was a Russian flag because I can’t see. I didn’t want Russians claiming our faked moon landing.
Officer: Sir, if you were blind you wouldn’t know about the spacecraft.
Bifford: Damn it..
Raising their hands in surrender, Bifford, Earl, and Kenny go with the military guys as the scene fades to darkness.