Dead Bodies, Ketchup, Chocolate Sauce, Hookers, and Trucks..
Nov 7, 2019 18:51:07 GMT -6
Deana Barrows likes this
Post by The Big Bifford on Nov 7, 2019 18:51:07 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static to a blurred image of the sun. An acoustic guitar version of Gangsta’s Paradise plays as the picture slowly focuses on the sun which beams down upon the desert below it. The camera pans around and we see the bodies of 20 or so soldiers all on the ground motionless. The camera continues moving until it focuses on The Big Bifford, wearing his MAGICAL FLEECE and with a crazed look in his eyes. His mouth is open and his expression is blank, but insane. Behind him are Earl the Popcorn Salesman and Kenny the Intern, who looks very pale and terrified. Bifford stares off in the distance, as though in a trance, while Kenny and Earl move a few steps away and whisper among themselves.
Kenny (whispering): Did you see that? He just snapped and murdered 20 heavily armed and well-trained men with his bare hands.
Earl (whispering): I don’t even know how that was humanly possible.. he just started snapping necks and it went so fast.. the sound was disgusting..
Kenny (sounding terrified): What are we going to do with all these corpses? We can’t get them anyplace safely to make chicken sandwiches..
Earl (looking around at the carnage): No, man.. we’ve gotta just leave them here and get the hell out of here.
Kenny (hissing): We better not go to federal prison over this bullshit.. I was very willing to just go to whatever military prison they were taking us to for trespassing.. I didn’t want all of these people to die. I don’t want to be charged AS AN accessory to murder.
Earl (whispering): He’s just staring into the desert like he’s in a trance.. I don’t even know if he realizes he kills people. Maybe he did kill Cheasy M.
The two men walk up to Bifford and shake his arm to get his attention. Bifford looks at them, his eyes suddenly less distant.
Bifford: We’ve gotta get to Pahrump.. it’s about five miles down the road.
Kenny: How on earth do you know where we are?
Reaching into the fleece and pulling out an iPhone, Bifford shows it to Kenny and rolls his eyes.
Bifford: This isn’t the year 1990, Kenny.
Earl: Isn’t Pahrump the place with all the hookers?
Bifford: Yes.
Kenny: Why are we going there? Shouldn’t we be training for your match with Eric Dane?
Bifford: We’re going there because that’s where Boris the Cannibal is.
Kenny: Why is Boris in Pahrump?
Bifford: Because in addition to being a cannibal, Boris is also a sex addict. He spends all of his money on expensive hookers in Pahrump, Nevada. He’s also opening a new chicken sandwich restaurant there.
Kenny: You’re opening a Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken in a little place like Pahrump?
Bifford: No. Boris is opening a joint called Boris’s Cannibal Cafe. It’ll serve actual chicken sandwiches, unlike our restaurants. It’s a way of throwing off any suspicions.
Kenny and Earl share an unsure look and then follow Bifford. The three men head through the desert landscape and eventually come to a road that looks like it is in terrible condition. They walk along the road for a while in silence, the acoustic version of Gangsta’s Paradise beginning to play again. Eventually a pickup truck can be seen coming up behind them and the three men begin trying to wave it down. The pickup truck stops and a woman rolls the window down.
Erica: Name’s Erica Dane. What can I do for you?
Just glaring at the woman as though he actually thinks it is Eric Dane, Bifford remains silent. Earl and Kenny share an unsure glance.
Bifford: Why did you get my finishing move banned? Are you that scared of me, you little bitch?
The woman looks terrified and begins closing the window. Bifford moves forward to try to stick his hand through the closing truck window, but Kenny and Earl pull him back. The truck almost immediately begins moving forward.
Kenny: Bifford, that was just some woman.. she just happened to have a name similar to Eric Dane’s.
Bifford: Eric Dane is a little bitch. He likes eating sushi, getting my move banned, and talking about how great he is. However we all know that the truth is, he’s not great at all.. He’s just.. he’s just a little bitch. If I could, I would piledrive him straight to hell. But that isn’t going to work. I’ll have to do the splash of the top rope.. just like we did when we went skydiving.
Earl: Man, you remember how that turned out? Not too well.
Kenny: I really think the Powerslam is the way to go. There’s no way Eric Dane could kick out of a Big Bifford Powerslam.
Bifford just glares at the two men. In the distance another truck is headed their way.
Kenny: Please let me do the talking this time.. we’re going to die out here in the desert if we don’t get to civilization soon. It’s getting late..
The three men wave and the truck pulls over. A man rolls down his window and looks out at the three men. He’s wearing a red baseball cap that might indicate him to be a fan of Donald Trump, however rather than having a Trump logo, the front of the cap has a piece of popcorn circled with a line through it.
Kenny: Hello, good sir.. my obese friend here has the diabetes and wandered into the desert. We’ve gotten him some sugar and now he’s coherent and we are trying to get him to Pahrump to see a doctor.
Billy: You can get in the bed of the truck.. as long as none of you fucking jerks like popcorn. I hate popcorn.
This time Earl charges at the truck and actually manages to get inside the window and begin strangling the man. Kenny screams like a girl and begins trying to pull Earl out of the window of the truck, but he appears to have a good hold on the man. Billy thinks quickly before he is strangled to death and slams on the gas, the truck jerking forward and Earl losing his grip and falling off the side of the truck. The truck zooms away down the road and shouting can be heard coming from the fleeing vehicle.
Kenny: What the hell were the odds of that?
Earl: He deserves to die.. his propaganda is really hurting my profession.
Kenny (hissing): You haven’t sold popcorn for like 19 years.
Earl: I’m still a member of the union.
Glaring at Earl a bit, as though he doesn’t believe popcorn salesmen have unionized, Kenny turns and sees a third truck coming down the road.
Bifford: Third time’s a charm..
Earl: I’ll handle this one.
The three men flag the truck down. The window rolls down and an old man looks back at them - it almost looks like Ehud of Moab, but perhaps a few years younger.
Earl: Pahrump?
The man nods.
Earl: We’re gonna get in the truck bed.. thanks, old timer..
The three men climb into the truck bed and the man begins driving through the desert. Bifford looks into the camera.
Bifford: Losing to Bifford of all people would be fuckin’ embarrassing? That’s what you have to say? Well, guess what Eric Dane - you’re about to be really embarrassed. You lack the heart of a champion and to be honest, you’re kinda boring. An interview on a plane? You might as well be The Lost Soul sitting around at a bar or Mario Maurako doing an interview from his home. They all came and they all fell to The Big Bifford. You will too. You see, ultimately getting The Biff End banned was a big mistake. The Biff End is a move that can be countered, it’s been kicked out of, and sure it has beaten a lot of people too. But it’s not really a smoking gun. However, me coming off the top rope and splashing you through the mat and showing ol’ Johnny Barrows that I’m the GCWA Champion he’s going to be dealing with for a very long time - that’s an image that will make High Rollers famous. Sure, you’ve got a fancy private jet to take you around.. I could care less. I’m comfortable right here in the bed of a truck headed toward a shithole town famous only for hookers and Art Bell.
The truck finally nears Pahrump. A large sign can be seen for THE CHICKEN RANCH BROTHEL. Bifford taps on the back window of the truck and the old man pulls over. The three men climb out of the truck bed and the old man heads on his way.
Kenny: The Chicken Ranch Brothel? Bifford? You’re in prostitution now?
Bifford (laughing): Nope, believe it or not - and you can check the Wikipedia - this place has been here since 1976.. before I was born. Neither Boris nor I own any part of it. I’ve never been here, but I’ve needed to contact Boris here before. He’s here a lot. He’s a real pervert.
The three men walk up to the legal brothel and push the front door open.
Candice (in a pleasant voice): Welcome to the world famous Chicken Ranch..
Bifford walks up to the main desk where the professional looking woman who greeted them is standing. Reaching into his fleece he pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to her and she reads it.
Bifford: Has a man named Eric Dane ever been here?
Candice (reading very mechanically from the paper): He calls here all the time, but we do not offer escorts who specialize in the sort of diaper fetish things he asks for. We are a classy facility.
Bifford laughs heartily and reaches into the fleece again, pulling out a pile of $100 bills he hands them to the woman.
Bifford: What room is that pervert Boris in?
Candice (counting the $100 bills): Third door on the left.. be careful when you go in, it’s really gross.
The three men walk down a hall counting the doors and then Bifford kicks the third door on the left. Inside a man who looks sort of like Eric Dane (though not a real doppelgänger) is making out with an inflatable doll wearing a diaper.
Bifford (sounding horrified): Oh shit.. Eric.. sorry, man. I’ll see you on Sunday.
Closing the door, Bifford looks back the hall behind him and Candice shouts “Sorry fourth door!” The three men continue down the hall and Bifford kicks the fourth door which swings open to reveal a room with a giant tarp laid on the ground. Boris and two girls are rolling around clothed in ketchup and chocolate sauce. It is quite disturbing.
Bifford (walking in): Boris. Go with Kenny out into the desert and take a big truck.. 20 dead soldiers. Lots of chicken sandwiches.
Boris (getting up and cleaning himself off): That’s.. that is a lot of chicken sandwiches.
Motioning for the girls to leave, Bifford looks around the room.
Bifford: Now I remember why I stopped associating with you for so many years, Boris. Nobody wants to associate with a pervert.
Boris, having cleaned himself off, motions for Kenny to follow him and the two men leave. Bifford looks at the large vat of ketchup at the side of the room.
Bifford: Earl, go order us a few baskets of French fries.. we aren’t going to let this ketchup go to waste. I know most fighters cut weight before a fight.. but when you’re coming off the top rope onto a man like Eric Dane, sometimes you need to gain weight before the fight.
Earl nods and heads out of the room as Bifford looks at the ketchup and the scene fades to darkness.