Post by zybala on Dec 16, 2019 9:08:03 GMT -6
Hope everyone is doing great and all you Christmas shopping is going well. To get you through the grind, these are your Ho-Ho-Ho-roscopes.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, don't expect an office Christmas party this year. The higher ups have deemed it a waste of money and you workers receiving a paycheck every other week should be moral building enough.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Yes, Taurus, buying everyone Nickleback c.d. IS a sure fire way to get out of every Secret Santa group people keep trying to rope you in. While I admire your conviction, I disagree with the method.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
I don't know why you're so upset, Gemini. Sure, you didn't win the auction for the 500th home run Babe Ruth baseball bat, but what did you expect? You only bid $75!! It sold for a million dollars!! That's like being a 1 with no redeeming qualities trying to get with a 10. On a related note, Charolette is definitely not interested. My crystal ball says that if you keep asking, a restraining order is in your future.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Cancer, how the hell did you get a signed copy of Will Gardner's literary masterpiece "Plastic Hooking"?! I've spent the last year and a half trying to get a regular copy, even going right to the source, but to no avail! I will be stealing it from you, mark my words!
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Sorry Leo. The stars say your getting coal again.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
I told you, Virgo, The King from the Burger King commercials is NOT actually royalty, not is he real. But you didn't listen and kept searching for him, and now you have a life time ban from every B.K., even the ones in mall food courts. Hope it was worth it.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
It's okay, Libra. I know you just got fired, but here's what you do. Lose the fleece, get a new costume, and put on a mask. The stars tell me that Barrows will NEVER be able to tell who you are; even if he reads this.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Expect the fists to fly this Christmas, Scorpio. White Elephant is a fun way to do presents with the family, but not when you add "The White Album" vinyl record signed by all four members of The Beatles. Everybody is gonna want that and will go to any means necessary to get it. You know this though, don't you? You want Aunt Pam to punch Steve for stealing it from her. You are a sick bastard.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
All because we fixed the spacing because of your complaining, don't take this as a sign of things going your way, Sagittarius. The stars say that the opposite is true in fact. Don't expect anything to go right this holiday season. Also, don't order stuff from online. Porch Pirates are in your future.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Once again, your birthday will be overshadowed by Christmas this year, Capricorn. Except all of your presents to read "Happy Merry Birthmas" for the 24 year in a row. My cosmic senses show your family never getting tired of this penny pinching joke.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Don't be a Porch Pirate, Aquarius. It's a dick move and you stealing Andy's shit is just a punch to the nuts he doesn't need.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Protesting that Santa should be remade as female or gender neutral is not being #Woke, Pisces. It's #WastingTime. Next you'll be telling everyone else to change their gender, just to suit your own personal beliefs. You can't force people to change! Not me, and definitely not Santa!
Aries: March 21 - April 19
Aries, don't expect an office Christmas party this year. The higher ups have deemed it a waste of money and you workers receiving a paycheck every other week should be moral building enough.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Yes, Taurus, buying everyone Nickleback c.d. IS a sure fire way to get out of every Secret Santa group people keep trying to rope you in. While I admire your conviction, I disagree with the method.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
I don't know why you're so upset, Gemini. Sure, you didn't win the auction for the 500th home run Babe Ruth baseball bat, but what did you expect? You only bid $75!! It sold for a million dollars!! That's like being a 1 with no redeeming qualities trying to get with a 10. On a related note, Charolette is definitely not interested. My crystal ball says that if you keep asking, a restraining order is in your future.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Cancer, how the hell did you get a signed copy of Will Gardner's literary masterpiece "Plastic Hooking"?! I've spent the last year and a half trying to get a regular copy, even going right to the source, but to no avail! I will be stealing it from you, mark my words!
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Sorry Leo. The stars say your getting coal again.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
I told you, Virgo, The King from the Burger King commercials is NOT actually royalty, not is he real. But you didn't listen and kept searching for him, and now you have a life time ban from every B.K., even the ones in mall food courts. Hope it was worth it.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
It's okay, Libra. I know you just got fired, but here's what you do. Lose the fleece, get a new costume, and put on a mask. The stars tell me that Barrows will NEVER be able to tell who you are; even if he reads this.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Expect the fists to fly this Christmas, Scorpio. White Elephant is a fun way to do presents with the family, but not when you add "The White Album" vinyl record signed by all four members of The Beatles. Everybody is gonna want that and will go to any means necessary to get it. You know this though, don't you? You want Aunt Pam to punch Steve for stealing it from her. You are a sick bastard.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
All because we fixed the spacing because of your complaining, don't take this as a sign of things going your way, Sagittarius. The stars say that the opposite is true in fact. Don't expect anything to go right this holiday season. Also, don't order stuff from online. Porch Pirates are in your future.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Once again, your birthday will be overshadowed by Christmas this year, Capricorn. Except all of your presents to read "Happy Merry Birthmas" for the 24 year in a row. My cosmic senses show your family never getting tired of this penny pinching joke.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Don't be a Porch Pirate, Aquarius. It's a dick move and you stealing Andy's shit is just a punch to the nuts he doesn't need.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Protesting that Santa should be remade as female or gender neutral is not being #Woke, Pisces. It's #WastingTime. Next you'll be telling everyone else to change their gender, just to suit your own personal beliefs. You can't force people to change! Not me, and definitely not Santa!
