Post by zybala on Jan 9, 2020 8:55:29 GMT -6
The camera comes alive to show us the backyard of Dean (or his mother. Depends who you ask) we see Mike Zybala mowing the lawn as Dean walks around with a small shovel and a plastic bag, obviously looking for dog poo. The OCW ring stands....... not proudly........what would you call it?? Ummm.... Determined! Yes, the OCW ring stands determined to survive in the middle of the yard. It may look like shit, but it has spirit! The guys finish up the yard work as Commissioner Annie and Senior Referee Mitch start bringing out the assortment of chairs and position them around the ring. After the chairs are set up, we see Zybala leave the yard covering his nose and mouth with his eyes tearing up; damn allergies. Dean walks over to a shed and pulls out a empty refrigerator box with the Outsiders logo on it.. He then looks towards the camera.
Dean: You gonna do any work Emilio?
Emilio: I am. I'm filming everything so everyone can have an appreciation of how dedicated you are to this. You think Walsh sets up the ring or the seats like you do?
Dean: That's a great idea sucka!!! Respect and sympathy points might bring more fans!
Dean then walks to the side of the house and throws the poop bag in a garbage can. He takes a look around at the yard and smiles with satisfaction. The chairs are set up, the communal bear cooler is full, and everything looks good to go. Zybala walks out of the house holding a large speaker and wearing a back pack. He sets up the speaker about ten feet away from the announce table and opens up the backpack. Zybala pulls outs a bunch of wires and a laptop. He sets the laptop on the "announce table" and runs wires connecting the laptop to the speaker and a power outlet on the outside of the house. After making all the right connections, he pulls out two microphones from the bookbag, turns them on and types away at the computer. He raises a mic to his face.
Zybala: One, two, testies, testies.
Voice of camera: (drunkenly) I GOT TWO OF THEM!!
We hear some chuckles as Zybala puts down the one mic and picks up the other one.
Zybala: Check one two.
Voice: YUP! BOTH ARE THERE!
More laughter as Zybala puts down the second mic and taps at the computer. A moment later we here a YouTube add coming from the speakers. Zybala pauses this and picks up a mic.
Zybala: Sounds systems are go Deano.
Dean gives Zybala a thumbs up. Zybala reaches into the bookbag once more and pulls out the Outsiders Championship Wrestling title and puts it on the "table" to display it. Dean then looks up at the sky, which is bright and sunny with fluffy white clouds.
Dean: Lights are good to go suckas!! Let's get this show started!!
Dean walks down the drive and opens a gate. A wave of forty people start coming into the yard. As people pass Dean, they hand him two dollars per person in their group. The adults make a line for the communal beer cooler as kids try to get the best seats. After everyone has settled, Dean grabs one of the microphones and goes into the ring.
Dean: What's up suckas?!?!?! (Cheering) Welcome to the third installment of OCW Dystopia!! We have three, count them THREE, exciting matches for you. Also, we might decide who the first OCW champion is tonight!! We got Bri Carter facing "Wife beater" Billy Thomas! Due to some people not able to catch a bus on time, we have "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe versus 'Hulking" Hubert H. Harris! And then it's the battle of the custodians as "Janitor" Peter Vaughn takes on The Uber Man!! Without any further delay, let's hands things of to Annie to announce the first competitors!
Dean gets out of the ring as Annie enters. He gives her the mic and she does her thang!
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first is OCW Senior Referee Mitch!!
Zybala cues up "Because I Got High" and Mitch walks out of the house and up the driveway to the yard. He pauses to light a joint, adhering to Momma Dean's strict "no smoking in the house policy." He inhales and holds in the smoke and runs to the ring and slides in. As he stands, Mitch exhales and the smoke come out.
Annie: Hailing from Miami, Florida, weighing 117 pounds, she is "The Better Carter" Bri Carter!
Zybala cues up "Bitch Came Back" on the YouTube as Bri makes here way to the ring, high fiving a few fans on the way. She enters the ring and stretches a bit as Annie continues.
Annie: And her opponent. He resides from The Vista View Trailer Park, weighing in at, his words, "200 pounds of keeping a bitch in check", "Wifebeater' Billy Thomas.
"Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong" plays over the speakers as Billy walks out to the boos of the fans. As he makes his way to the ring, Annie leaves and plops down in a bean bag chair next to Dean and hands him the mic. Billy gets in the ring and Mitch calls for a bell. Dean pulls a cowbell from under the announce "table" (refrigerator box) and hits it with a big metal bolt.
Dean: And we begin another exciting episode of Outsiders! As you suckas know, I'm President Dean calling the action. And by my side, the voice of OCW, Mike Zybala!
Zybala: Thank you partner. This match looks like its going to be interesting. Two very different wrestlers with two very different ideas of gender equality.
Dean: That's the truth Mike. Mostly, it's the "Wifebeater" who thinks a woman's place is pregnant in the kitchen making him more "ATM's" as he calls his kids. And Bri is trying to prove that she is not only the beat Carter, but women should be treated as equals. Which they should.
Zybala: Amen. This is 2017. Get with the times.
Bri goes to go for the traditional collar and elbow lock up, but Billy just slaps her hands away. Bri tries again but gets the same results. She tries a third time but it's a feint! As Billy goes to swat, Bri kicks with her right leg and connects with "Wifebeater's" shin! He starts to limp around, shouting many obscenities geared towards females, as Bri quickly comes in and locks in a side headlock.
Dean: After a series of disrespectful actions and comments from Billy Thomas, Bri Carter gets the upper hand with a textbook headlock.
Zybala: I wish she would take said text book and beat Billy's head with it.
Dean: That would be against the rules sucka!
Zybala: Does backyard wrestling really have rules?
Dean: This INDY fed does!
The fans cheer as Bri squeezes the piece of shit's head. He tries to get out, but Bri has a good grip. Using his weight, Billy pushes Bri towards the ropes and grabs hold of one. Mitch starts a five count. As Bri releases the hold, she delivers a quick hard kick to Billy's other shin, causing him to drop to his knees.
Zybala: It looks like Bri is trying to take out Billy's wheels. Smart move!
Dean: indeed partner. She is giving up close to a hundred pounds to Billy, so she needs to use any advantage she can. He can't overpower her if he can't walk.
Bri starts delivering Daniel Bryan like kicks to The Wifebeater as the fans chant YES with each kick. The chants swiftly turn to boos as Billy catches Bri's leg and headbutts her barely above the no no spot. The crowd boos even louder as Bri doubles over in pain. Billy then gives her a Three Stooges-esque pokes to the eyes. She flails around blindly as he laughs.
Zybala: Blatant disregard for the rules!!
Dean: Oh, now there are rules?
Zybala: You said there was, and your the boss.
Dean: True, but unfortunately Mitch didn't see the eye poke. I think his blunt went out and he was trying to respark it.
Camera pans to a bent over Mitch relighting his joint. He stands straight and inhales deeply, giving Dean a thumbs up. Bri is still flailing as Billy catches her hands and headbutts her between the eyes. Bri staggers then gets laid out by a vicious backhand from Billy!!
Zybala: What a shot!! Bri is down!!
Dean: He calls it The Bitch Thump. Disrespectful as hell, but very effective. Billy goes for the cover.
Mitch drops to the mat as Billy lays across the prone Bri. Three counts later and the fans erupt with more boos as Billy springs to his feet victorious!
Annie: (resentfully) Here is your winner, Billy Thomas...
Billy leaves the ring as his music plays acting like he is the greatest thing ever. Mitch helps Bri out of the ring and to the house.
Dean: One match down, two more to go Mike! Next up we got "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe versus 'Hulking" Hubert H. Harris!
Zybala: These two weren't originally scheduled to face off today, but seeing as neither of their opponents showed up, we figured make the guys that DID show up fight!
Dean: Because unlike that sucka Buffet, we reward effort here in Outsiders! Annie, take it away!
Annie: The next match is scheduled for one fall!! Coming to the ring first, he comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
Dean takes over the laptop and cues up "Niggaz Jump Up" and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy struts to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He then looks at Annie.
Cashe: Whaddup boo thang?
Annie: My standards....
The crowd laughs as Cashe grins like he was given a compliment. Maybe he thinks he is high standard material. He winks at Annie, who shudders in revoltion and presses on.
Annie: And his opponent, a hometown boy from Key West Florida! Weighing in at 430 pounds, this is "Hulking" Hubert H. Harris!!
Dean once again goes to the trusty YouTube and "Sexy and I Know It" plays over the speakers. The fans cheer as Harris comes out dancing to his music. He is clad in a large pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt that could be better described as a moomoo. Inscribed on it a 4H logo, obviously for his initials. Harris gets in the ring and the music stops. Dean rings the cow bell and the match is on! Before anything happens, Harris doubles over trying to catch his breath.
Dean: This is unprecedented! The action in Outsiders is so fierce and fast paced that 4H is winded BEFORE the match! Only in this backyard can you see such action!!
Zybala: Or he could be winded from dancing all the way to the ring. Big guys like him don't usually have that much stamina. I commend him on making it all the way to the ring.
While Harris is still bent over, Cashe rushes in! He tries to knocked the big guy over with a shoulder block, but bounce offs and falls on his ass. Cashe quickly recovers, gets up, and starts raining blow after blow onto the back of Harris, much akin to a child having a tantrum. The blows seem to have little effect as Harris stands up and shoves Cashe away. He then charges at Cashe and knocks him down with a clothesline!
Dean: After shrugging off a flurry of blows from "Welfare Hustle", Harris lays him out with a stiff clothesline. This is him moment to capitalize!
Zybala: Not so fast partner! It seems The Hulking One didn't fully catch his breath! He's once again doubled over from exhaustion! And Guy is getting back to his feet!
Cashe has indeed gotten back to his feet and sees his opponent still bent over trying to catch his breath. Cashe takes advantage and places Harris' head between his legs.
Dean: You Got a Dollar!!!!
Zybala: Yeah, hold on. (Reaches in his pocket and pulls out a crumpled One. He hands it Dean) There you go buddy.
Dean: (puts dollar in his own pocket) That's actually the name of the powerbomb Cashe is going for! But thanks for the buck sucka.
Zybala: No problem. But it seems Cashe is having a little trouble lifting the guy who (loud and condescendingly) WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED POUNDS MORE THAN HIM!!
Cashe is still trying to lift Harris, because he's a legend in his own mind like that. Harris catches his breath again and lift up Cashe with a backdrop! The scrawny thug hits the mat hard and before he can get up, Harris drops a huge elbow across his chest. Harris then just lays across Cashe, crushing him.
Zybala: Deano, is this a pin attempt or a submission attempt???
Dean: No clue sucka. What do you think Mitch?!?
Ref Mitch, who hasn't smoked once during this match, shrugs then drops to his knees to get a better look. Cashe is struggling for dear life and it appears that Harris...
Mitch: Dude, I think the fat guy fell asleep!!
Cashe: Wake him up Yo! I can't breathe!
Mitch: Gotta do my job first bro. One! Two! THREE!!
Mitch calls for the bell then tries waking Harris up to the laughter and cheers of the fans! Dean starts playing the LMFAO song again and like magic, 4H wakes up and starts to boogey down. Cashe quickly leaves the ring before her gets squashed again and Harris high fives fans on his way out of the yard.
Dean: That was....interesting..
Zybala: Speaking from experience, you sometimes need that quick power nap in the ring. It worked in favor of Harris this time. but who knows what next time may bring.
Dean: Very true partner. The next match is are main event! But before we start, we like to thank our sponsors. We would, but we have none this week! Weak ass suckas!
Zybala: But we do have these fine fans who all paid the two dollar admission!
Dean: Damn right!!! You suckas are the best!!
The fans cheer as this.
Dean: This next match should be a great one. These two suckas have been verbally going back and forth harder than any other OCW competitors. It's gonna be a battle for janitorial supremacy!
Zybala: Not to mention a battle of the back stories. One man is on a path of redemption to prove to himself that he is worth more than a former employer treated him for sleeping After Hours, and the other has taken on the mantel of justice to protect the streets and search for the fiend that murdered his mother! I don't know who to root for more!
Dean: Well, you have to figure that out now because it's Main Event time! Annie! Do your thing!
Annie is standing the ring, which surprisingly didn't collapse under the weight of "Hulking" Harris. The fans are abuzz, and not just from the free beer.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall and it is your main went of the evening!
The fans cheer as Dean stand stands up holding the outsiders title.
Dean: Screw it! I am so moved by both these suckas tragic tales, the winner will be the first Outsiders Championship Wrestling CHAMPION!!
The fans cheer louder and we hear a "FUCK YES!" coming from the driveway area.
Annie: Introducing first, hailing from somewhere because he didn't fill out the resumé completely. He looks about 180 pounds. He is here to clean up the competition, he is "The Janitor" Peter Vaughn!!!
Annie points at the driveway as we see Dean scramble through papers. He looks at Zybala who shrugs. Dean looks at the driveway.
Dean: Yo Sucka!!! What's your theme song???
Vaughn: (off camera) I don't know! Didn't think of one! Just pick something!
Zybala smiles and grabs the laptop. After a bit of typing a J-rock (Japanese rock) beat sounds over the speakers. We then see The Janitor coming out in his uniform, think the janitor from Scrubs uniform. He comes out with his trusty mop and bobs his head to the music. There is a mixture of cheers and boos from the fans as Vaughn gets to the ring and the music stops. He then looks at Zybala.
Vaughn: That was catchy. What was that?
Zybala: Through The Night. The theme song from Outlaw Star.
Vaughn: Neat.
Annie: and his opponent! His secret lair is in Rancho Cucamonga, California. Weighing at 190 pounds of justice, this is The Uber Man!!
"Hero" by Nickleback plays as the fans boo loudly. The Uber Man comes out in his hero costume and hold his "mop of justice" looking distressed at the boos. Zybala notices this and changes the song quickly to "Hero" by Skillet. The rambunctious backyard crowd cheers as not many folks like Nickleback. Uber Man shrugs and assumes a superhero pose before going to the ring.
Dean: Some brief hostility from the Outsider faithful.
Zybala: Nickleback can cause that in people. It's a scientific phenomenon.
Dean: Whatever it was, that doesn't matter. Both custodians are face to face in the ring and they both look heated!
Dean is right! Vaughn and Uber Man are yelling at each other holding up their respective mops, apparently calling one another a copy cat. Suddenly, Uber Man pushes Vaughn who retaliates with a push of his own. Uber Man then takes a wild swing with his mop which Vaughn ducks, while swinging his broom at Uber Man's legs, which he hops over. They keep swinging and dodging, and eventually it becomes a mop/sword fight! The fans are loving the mop battle as Zybala plays Star Wars battle music over the speakers. Vaughn gets knocked off balance and Uber Man sees his chance. Using all he strength, he takes a mighty swing, but Vaughn quickly regains his footing and swings his mop with janitorial strength! Both mop handles collide and explode with a loud crack and a burst of wood and splinters. The Yardies are loving it, with cheers and chants of "This Is Awesome!"
Zybala: Only in Outsiders will you fans see such a battle!!!
Dean: You got that right sucka!! Both of these men really want to be are first champion and will do anything it takes!!
Vaughn and Uber Man look at their shattered brooms and then at each other. You can see the anger in their eyes. They quickly start throwing punches and slaps and forearms at each other, not caring what tactic they use, as long as the cause the other pain! Uber Man swings wildly with a right and misses; his momentum spinning him so his back is to Vaughn.
Vaughn quickly capitalizes and delivers a forearm to Uber Man's back then lift grabs him around the waist. He lifts up Uber Man and drops him on his knee for an atomic drop! Vaughn doesn't let go and ducks his head under Uber's arm and delivers a textbook back drop and quickly goes for the pin.
Mitch: One..... Two.... No!!!
The Uber Man kicks out at two. Vaughn is clearly upset and complains to Mitch. He turns back to his opponent and shoves Uber Man's face in the mat and rubs it back and forth against the surface.
Zybala: And there is the dreaded Scrub from The Janitor!
Dean: He's trying to clean the mat with his opponents face!
Vaughn picks up Uber and throws him into the ropes, but Uber holds on to the ropes to stop himself. Vaughn then charges at Uber Man, who ducks and Vaughn goes sailing through the ropes and crashes to the grass outside of the ring. Uber Man starts clapping to try to get the Yardies behind him, a few clap which is enough to motivate the masked hero. Uber Man runs to the opposite ropes and almost falls over them as Dean clearly did not spend top dollar on this ring. It has spirit, but not much else. This doesn't fluster Uber Man, who regains his composure and charges to the other ropes and attempts to dive over the top. His foot snags the top rope and uses his momentum and Uber Man clumsily crashes right on top of Vaughn! Despite the mess up, the fans still cheer!
Dean: That hero truly can fly! Throwing caution to the wind, The Uber Man sails over the top and takes out his opponent!
Zybala: At what cost though? Both men are down!
Dean: (to Zybala on the down low, but the mic still amplifies it) Thanks for not mentioning the ropes fucking up.
Zybala: (whispers and gives fist bump) I got you sucka.
The crowd laughs as the two announcers thought they were slick. Back to the action! Uber Man and Vaughn slowly get back to their feet as the crowd chants both "Let's Go Peter" and "Let's Go Uber!" The two trade blows outside of the ring as Mitch just let's it go. He doesn't want this match to end in a count out. Uber gets the advantage and grabs Vaughn's head and slams it on the canvas. Vaughn is dazed and gets rolled into the ring by Uber Man, who then climbs to the mat and grabs the top rope and panders to the crowd.
Dean: What could the superhero be planning here??
Zybala: I don't know, but it can't be anything good for Vaughn.
Uber Man: FOR JUSTICE!!
Uber Man then leans back and tries to use the ropes to propel himself forward but since this is a yard ring, no such luck. He tries to flip over anyways and lands awkwardly on his left shoulder on top of Vaughn. He then goes for the cover.
Mitch: Uno.... Dos...... NO!!!!
It's Vaughn's turn to kick out. Unlike Vaughn, Uber Man stays on the attack. He stomps away a Vaughn for a while before picking h up and dropping him Worlds Strongest Slam style.
Zybala: The Uber Crush!!
Dean: You just made that up!
Zybala: So???
With Vaughn prone, Uber Man sees this as his chance. Not learning his lesson about the ropes the first two times, he ascend the corner to the top.
Zybala: I think he's planning for The Uber Bomb! THAT one was on his application!
Dean: Yes it was. And if he hits it, we may have our first champion!!
Uber Man tries to leap, but his feet slip out from under him because, you know, the ropes suck. He crotches himself to the groans of the crowd then falls to the mat. Vaughn recovers and gets to his feet. He spots his opponent writhing in pain and has no sympathy. Vaughn lays the boots to Uber Man, picks him up and drops him with a sloppy D.D.T. He then positions Uber Man in front of the corner and starts his climb to the top.
Zybala: Why are people still trusting these ropes?!?!
Dean: There's nothing wrong with them!! Uber Man just had bad balance is all...
Vaughn is on the top looking nervous as hell. He waits until he is absolutely sure he has complete balance and then leaps in the air with a near perfect shooting star!! He arcs it a little extra and shooting star legdrops the Uber Man! He goes for the cover!!!
Mitch: One.....
Two.....
THREE!!!
Zybala: Vaughn's done it! Vaughn's done it! He hits the Plunge and gets the win and maybe some respect!!
Dean: More importantly, that sucka is the Outsider Champion!!
Dean grabs the title and goes in the ring. He helps a stunned Vaughn to his feet and hands him the belt. The Janitor looks shocked!! Mitch grabs the hand not holding the belt and raises it to signify the victory!!
Annie: Here is your winner and the FIRST Outsiders Championship Wrestling World Champion, The Janitor Peter Vaughn!!
The Yardies are on their feet clapping and cheering. There are tears in Vaughn's eyes. This! This is the moment he's been waiting for his whole life. He raises the title with pride. Vaughn is basking in the moment.
LA… LA, LA LA… Wait till I get my money right…”
"Can't Tell Me Nothing" can be heard from down the driveway! The camera turns and we see "The Marvel" Matt Meyhu walking towards the yard followed by his brother Mike who is going a boombox which is playing the Kanye West song. Matt walks up to the ring and enter it. He walks up to Dean and starts whispering in his ear.
Zybala: What tell is this?! Meyhu is a professional not a backyard wrestler! What is doing here?!?
Meyhu reaches into pocket and hands Dean what looks like a check and a piece of paper and hands them to Dean. Dean looks at them and his eyes go wide. He calls Mitch and Annie over and shows them the check. They are stunned. He whispers to both of them and Dean and Annie leave the ring. Meyhu is looking at a very confused Vaughn. Dean rings the cow bell and Meyhu blasts Vaughn with a M-100 superkick!! The crowd boos louder!
Zybala: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?!?
Meyhu then picks up the OCW title and raises it over his head as he puts one foot one Vaughn's chest.
Mitch: One...two...three!!
Annie: You're winner and new OCW champ, Matt Meyhu!
Meyhu gloats with the belt as his music still plays from the boombox as the crowd boos even louder. We can see Zybala getting into a screaming match with Dean and Annie as the camera cuts out.
Dean: You gonna do any work Emilio?
Emilio: I am. I'm filming everything so everyone can have an appreciation of how dedicated you are to this. You think Walsh sets up the ring or the seats like you do?
Dean: That's a great idea sucka!!! Respect and sympathy points might bring more fans!
Dean then walks to the side of the house and throws the poop bag in a garbage can. He takes a look around at the yard and smiles with satisfaction. The chairs are set up, the communal bear cooler is full, and everything looks good to go. Zybala walks out of the house holding a large speaker and wearing a back pack. He sets up the speaker about ten feet away from the announce table and opens up the backpack. Zybala pulls outs a bunch of wires and a laptop. He sets the laptop on the "announce table" and runs wires connecting the laptop to the speaker and a power outlet on the outside of the house. After making all the right connections, he pulls out two microphones from the bookbag, turns them on and types away at the computer. He raises a mic to his face.
Zybala: One, two, testies, testies.
Voice of camera: (drunkenly) I GOT TWO OF THEM!!
We hear some chuckles as Zybala puts down the one mic and picks up the other one.
Zybala: Check one two.
Voice: YUP! BOTH ARE THERE!
More laughter as Zybala puts down the second mic and taps at the computer. A moment later we here a YouTube add coming from the speakers. Zybala pauses this and picks up a mic.
Zybala: Sounds systems are go Deano.
Dean gives Zybala a thumbs up. Zybala reaches into the bookbag once more and pulls out the Outsiders Championship Wrestling title and puts it on the "table" to display it. Dean then looks up at the sky, which is bright and sunny with fluffy white clouds.
Dean: Lights are good to go suckas!! Let's get this show started!!
Dean walks down the drive and opens a gate. A wave of forty people start coming into the yard. As people pass Dean, they hand him two dollars per person in their group. The adults make a line for the communal beer cooler as kids try to get the best seats. After everyone has settled, Dean grabs one of the microphones and goes into the ring.
Dean: What's up suckas?!?!?! (Cheering) Welcome to the third installment of OCW Dystopia!! We have three, count them THREE, exciting matches for you. Also, we might decide who the first OCW champion is tonight!! We got Bri Carter facing "Wife beater" Billy Thomas! Due to some people not able to catch a bus on time, we have "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe versus 'Hulking" Hubert H. Harris! And then it's the battle of the custodians as "Janitor" Peter Vaughn takes on The Uber Man!! Without any further delay, let's hands things of to Annie to announce the first competitors!
Dean gets out of the ring as Annie enters. He gives her the mic and she does her thang!
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first is OCW Senior Referee Mitch!!
Zybala cues up "Because I Got High" and Mitch walks out of the house and up the driveway to the yard. He pauses to light a joint, adhering to Momma Dean's strict "no smoking in the house policy." He inhales and holds in the smoke and runs to the ring and slides in. As he stands, Mitch exhales and the smoke come out.
Annie: Hailing from Miami, Florida, weighing 117 pounds, she is "The Better Carter" Bri Carter!
Zybala cues up "Bitch Came Back" on the YouTube as Bri makes here way to the ring, high fiving a few fans on the way. She enters the ring and stretches a bit as Annie continues.
Annie: And her opponent. He resides from The Vista View Trailer Park, weighing in at, his words, "200 pounds of keeping a bitch in check", "Wifebeater' Billy Thomas.
"Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong" plays over the speakers as Billy walks out to the boos of the fans. As he makes his way to the ring, Annie leaves and plops down in a bean bag chair next to Dean and hands him the mic. Billy gets in the ring and Mitch calls for a bell. Dean pulls a cowbell from under the announce "table" (refrigerator box) and hits it with a big metal bolt.
Dean: And we begin another exciting episode of Outsiders! As you suckas know, I'm President Dean calling the action. And by my side, the voice of OCW, Mike Zybala!
Zybala: Thank you partner. This match looks like its going to be interesting. Two very different wrestlers with two very different ideas of gender equality.
Dean: That's the truth Mike. Mostly, it's the "Wifebeater" who thinks a woman's place is pregnant in the kitchen making him more "ATM's" as he calls his kids. And Bri is trying to prove that she is not only the beat Carter, but women should be treated as equals. Which they should.
Zybala: Amen. This is 2017. Get with the times.
Bri goes to go for the traditional collar and elbow lock up, but Billy just slaps her hands away. Bri tries again but gets the same results. She tries a third time but it's a feint! As Billy goes to swat, Bri kicks with her right leg and connects with "Wifebeater's" shin! He starts to limp around, shouting many obscenities geared towards females, as Bri quickly comes in and locks in a side headlock.
Dean: After a series of disrespectful actions and comments from Billy Thomas, Bri Carter gets the upper hand with a textbook headlock.
Zybala: I wish she would take said text book and beat Billy's head with it.
Dean: That would be against the rules sucka!
Zybala: Does backyard wrestling really have rules?
Dean: This INDY fed does!
The fans cheer as Bri squeezes the piece of shit's head. He tries to get out, but Bri has a good grip. Using his weight, Billy pushes Bri towards the ropes and grabs hold of one. Mitch starts a five count. As Bri releases the hold, she delivers a quick hard kick to Billy's other shin, causing him to drop to his knees.
Zybala: It looks like Bri is trying to take out Billy's wheels. Smart move!
Dean: indeed partner. She is giving up close to a hundred pounds to Billy, so she needs to use any advantage she can. He can't overpower her if he can't walk.
Bri starts delivering Daniel Bryan like kicks to The Wifebeater as the fans chant YES with each kick. The chants swiftly turn to boos as Billy catches Bri's leg and headbutts her barely above the no no spot. The crowd boos even louder as Bri doubles over in pain. Billy then gives her a Three Stooges-esque pokes to the eyes. She flails around blindly as he laughs.
Zybala: Blatant disregard for the rules!!
Dean: Oh, now there are rules?
Zybala: You said there was, and your the boss.
Dean: True, but unfortunately Mitch didn't see the eye poke. I think his blunt went out and he was trying to respark it.
Camera pans to a bent over Mitch relighting his joint. He stands straight and inhales deeply, giving Dean a thumbs up. Bri is still flailing as Billy catches her hands and headbutts her between the eyes. Bri staggers then gets laid out by a vicious backhand from Billy!!
Zybala: What a shot!! Bri is down!!
Dean: He calls it The Bitch Thump. Disrespectful as hell, but very effective. Billy goes for the cover.
Mitch drops to the mat as Billy lays across the prone Bri. Three counts later and the fans erupt with more boos as Billy springs to his feet victorious!
Annie: (resentfully) Here is your winner, Billy Thomas...
Billy leaves the ring as his music plays acting like he is the greatest thing ever. Mitch helps Bri out of the ring and to the house.
Dean: One match down, two more to go Mike! Next up we got "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe versus 'Hulking" Hubert H. Harris!
Zybala: These two weren't originally scheduled to face off today, but seeing as neither of their opponents showed up, we figured make the guys that DID show up fight!
Dean: Because unlike that sucka Buffet, we reward effort here in Outsiders! Annie, take it away!
Annie: The next match is scheduled for one fall!! Coming to the ring first, he comes from Lewiston, Maine, weighing 115 pounds, this is "Welfare Hustle" Guy Cashe!!
Dean takes over the laptop and cues up "Niggaz Jump Up" and out comes the most ghetto, thug-tastic looking sadness you will ever see in your life. The crowd boos as this scrawny white boy struts to the ring dressed in the most stereotypical whiteboy "thug" get up imaginable. He gets in the ring and acts as if he is getting cheered. He then looks at Annie.
Cashe: Whaddup boo thang?
Annie: My standards....
The crowd laughs as Cashe grins like he was given a compliment. Maybe he thinks he is high standard material. He winks at Annie, who shudders in revoltion and presses on.
Annie: And his opponent, a hometown boy from Key West Florida! Weighing in at 430 pounds, this is "Hulking" Hubert H. Harris!!
Dean once again goes to the trusty YouTube and "Sexy and I Know It" plays over the speakers. The fans cheer as Harris comes out dancing to his music. He is clad in a large pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt that could be better described as a moomoo. Inscribed on it a 4H logo, obviously for his initials. Harris gets in the ring and the music stops. Dean rings the cow bell and the match is on! Before anything happens, Harris doubles over trying to catch his breath.
Dean: This is unprecedented! The action in Outsiders is so fierce and fast paced that 4H is winded BEFORE the match! Only in this backyard can you see such action!!
Zybala: Or he could be winded from dancing all the way to the ring. Big guys like him don't usually have that much stamina. I commend him on making it all the way to the ring.
While Harris is still bent over, Cashe rushes in! He tries to knocked the big guy over with a shoulder block, but bounce offs and falls on his ass. Cashe quickly recovers, gets up, and starts raining blow after blow onto the back of Harris, much akin to a child having a tantrum. The blows seem to have little effect as Harris stands up and shoves Cashe away. He then charges at Cashe and knocks him down with a clothesline!
Dean: After shrugging off a flurry of blows from "Welfare Hustle", Harris lays him out with a stiff clothesline. This is him moment to capitalize!
Zybala: Not so fast partner! It seems The Hulking One didn't fully catch his breath! He's once again doubled over from exhaustion! And Guy is getting back to his feet!
Cashe has indeed gotten back to his feet and sees his opponent still bent over trying to catch his breath. Cashe takes advantage and places Harris' head between his legs.
Dean: You Got a Dollar!!!!
Zybala: Yeah, hold on. (Reaches in his pocket and pulls out a crumpled One. He hands it Dean) There you go buddy.
Dean: (puts dollar in his own pocket) That's actually the name of the powerbomb Cashe is going for! But thanks for the buck sucka.
Zybala: No problem. But it seems Cashe is having a little trouble lifting the guy who (loud and condescendingly) WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED POUNDS MORE THAN HIM!!
Cashe is still trying to lift Harris, because he's a legend in his own mind like that. Harris catches his breath again and lift up Cashe with a backdrop! The scrawny thug hits the mat hard and before he can get up, Harris drops a huge elbow across his chest. Harris then just lays across Cashe, crushing him.
Zybala: Deano, is this a pin attempt or a submission attempt???
Dean: No clue sucka. What do you think Mitch?!?
Ref Mitch, who hasn't smoked once during this match, shrugs then drops to his knees to get a better look. Cashe is struggling for dear life and it appears that Harris...
Mitch: Dude, I think the fat guy fell asleep!!
Cashe: Wake him up Yo! I can't breathe!
Mitch: Gotta do my job first bro. One! Two! THREE!!
Mitch calls for the bell then tries waking Harris up to the laughter and cheers of the fans! Dean starts playing the LMFAO song again and like magic, 4H wakes up and starts to boogey down. Cashe quickly leaves the ring before her gets squashed again and Harris high fives fans on his way out of the yard.
Dean: That was....interesting..
Zybala: Speaking from experience, you sometimes need that quick power nap in the ring. It worked in favor of Harris this time. but who knows what next time may bring.
Dean: Very true partner. The next match is are main event! But before we start, we like to thank our sponsors. We would, but we have none this week! Weak ass suckas!
Zybala: But we do have these fine fans who all paid the two dollar admission!
Dean: Damn right!!! You suckas are the best!!
The fans cheer as this.
Dean: This next match should be a great one. These two suckas have been verbally going back and forth harder than any other OCW competitors. It's gonna be a battle for janitorial supremacy!
Zybala: Not to mention a battle of the back stories. One man is on a path of redemption to prove to himself that he is worth more than a former employer treated him for sleeping After Hours, and the other has taken on the mantel of justice to protect the streets and search for the fiend that murdered his mother! I don't know who to root for more!
Dean: Well, you have to figure that out now because it's Main Event time! Annie! Do your thing!
Annie is standing the ring, which surprisingly didn't collapse under the weight of "Hulking" Harris. The fans are abuzz, and not just from the free beer.
Annie: The following match is scheduled for one fall and it is your main went of the evening!
The fans cheer as Dean stand stands up holding the outsiders title.
Dean: Screw it! I am so moved by both these suckas tragic tales, the winner will be the first Outsiders Championship Wrestling CHAMPION!!
The fans cheer louder and we hear a "FUCK YES!" coming from the driveway area.
Annie: Introducing first, hailing from somewhere because he didn't fill out the resumé completely. He looks about 180 pounds. He is here to clean up the competition, he is "The Janitor" Peter Vaughn!!!
Annie points at the driveway as we see Dean scramble through papers. He looks at Zybala who shrugs. Dean looks at the driveway.
Dean: Yo Sucka!!! What's your theme song???
Vaughn: (off camera) I don't know! Didn't think of one! Just pick something!
Zybala smiles and grabs the laptop. After a bit of typing a J-rock (Japanese rock) beat sounds over the speakers. We then see The Janitor coming out in his uniform, think the janitor from Scrubs uniform. He comes out with his trusty mop and bobs his head to the music. There is a mixture of cheers and boos from the fans as Vaughn gets to the ring and the music stops. He then looks at Zybala.
Vaughn: That was catchy. What was that?
Zybala: Through The Night. The theme song from Outlaw Star.
Vaughn: Neat.
Annie: and his opponent! His secret lair is in Rancho Cucamonga, California. Weighing at 190 pounds of justice, this is The Uber Man!!
"Hero" by Nickleback plays as the fans boo loudly. The Uber Man comes out in his hero costume and hold his "mop of justice" looking distressed at the boos. Zybala notices this and changes the song quickly to "Hero" by Skillet. The rambunctious backyard crowd cheers as not many folks like Nickleback. Uber Man shrugs and assumes a superhero pose before going to the ring.
Dean: Some brief hostility from the Outsider faithful.
Zybala: Nickleback can cause that in people. It's a scientific phenomenon.
Dean: Whatever it was, that doesn't matter. Both custodians are face to face in the ring and they both look heated!
Dean is right! Vaughn and Uber Man are yelling at each other holding up their respective mops, apparently calling one another a copy cat. Suddenly, Uber Man pushes Vaughn who retaliates with a push of his own. Uber Man then takes a wild swing with his mop which Vaughn ducks, while swinging his broom at Uber Man's legs, which he hops over. They keep swinging and dodging, and eventually it becomes a mop/sword fight! The fans are loving the mop battle as Zybala plays Star Wars battle music over the speakers. Vaughn gets knocked off balance and Uber Man sees his chance. Using all he strength, he takes a mighty swing, but Vaughn quickly regains his footing and swings his mop with janitorial strength! Both mop handles collide and explode with a loud crack and a burst of wood and splinters. The Yardies are loving it, with cheers and chants of "This Is Awesome!"
Zybala: Only in Outsiders will you fans see such a battle!!!
Dean: You got that right sucka!! Both of these men really want to be are first champion and will do anything it takes!!
Vaughn and Uber Man look at their shattered brooms and then at each other. You can see the anger in their eyes. They quickly start throwing punches and slaps and forearms at each other, not caring what tactic they use, as long as the cause the other pain! Uber Man swings wildly with a right and misses; his momentum spinning him so his back is to Vaughn.
Vaughn quickly capitalizes and delivers a forearm to Uber Man's back then lift grabs him around the waist. He lifts up Uber Man and drops him on his knee for an atomic drop! Vaughn doesn't let go and ducks his head under Uber's arm and delivers a textbook back drop and quickly goes for the pin.
Mitch: One..... Two.... No!!!
The Uber Man kicks out at two. Vaughn is clearly upset and complains to Mitch. He turns back to his opponent and shoves Uber Man's face in the mat and rubs it back and forth against the surface.
Zybala: And there is the dreaded Scrub from The Janitor!
Dean: He's trying to clean the mat with his opponents face!
Vaughn picks up Uber and throws him into the ropes, but Uber holds on to the ropes to stop himself. Vaughn then charges at Uber Man, who ducks and Vaughn goes sailing through the ropes and crashes to the grass outside of the ring. Uber Man starts clapping to try to get the Yardies behind him, a few clap which is enough to motivate the masked hero. Uber Man runs to the opposite ropes and almost falls over them as Dean clearly did not spend top dollar on this ring. It has spirit, but not much else. This doesn't fluster Uber Man, who regains his composure and charges to the other ropes and attempts to dive over the top. His foot snags the top rope and uses his momentum and Uber Man clumsily crashes right on top of Vaughn! Despite the mess up, the fans still cheer!
Dean: That hero truly can fly! Throwing caution to the wind, The Uber Man sails over the top and takes out his opponent!
Zybala: At what cost though? Both men are down!
Dean: (to Zybala on the down low, but the mic still amplifies it) Thanks for not mentioning the ropes fucking up.
Zybala: (whispers and gives fist bump) I got you sucka.
The crowd laughs as the two announcers thought they were slick. Back to the action! Uber Man and Vaughn slowly get back to their feet as the crowd chants both "Let's Go Peter" and "Let's Go Uber!" The two trade blows outside of the ring as Mitch just let's it go. He doesn't want this match to end in a count out. Uber gets the advantage and grabs Vaughn's head and slams it on the canvas. Vaughn is dazed and gets rolled into the ring by Uber Man, who then climbs to the mat and grabs the top rope and panders to the crowd.
Dean: What could the superhero be planning here??
Zybala: I don't know, but it can't be anything good for Vaughn.
Uber Man: FOR JUSTICE!!
Uber Man then leans back and tries to use the ropes to propel himself forward but since this is a yard ring, no such luck. He tries to flip over anyways and lands awkwardly on his left shoulder on top of Vaughn. He then goes for the cover.
Mitch: Uno.... Dos...... NO!!!!
It's Vaughn's turn to kick out. Unlike Vaughn, Uber Man stays on the attack. He stomps away a Vaughn for a while before picking h up and dropping him Worlds Strongest Slam style.
Zybala: The Uber Crush!!
Dean: You just made that up!
Zybala: So???
With Vaughn prone, Uber Man sees this as his chance. Not learning his lesson about the ropes the first two times, he ascend the corner to the top.
Zybala: I think he's planning for The Uber Bomb! THAT one was on his application!
Dean: Yes it was. And if he hits it, we may have our first champion!!
Uber Man tries to leap, but his feet slip out from under him because, you know, the ropes suck. He crotches himself to the groans of the crowd then falls to the mat. Vaughn recovers and gets to his feet. He spots his opponent writhing in pain and has no sympathy. Vaughn lays the boots to Uber Man, picks him up and drops him with a sloppy D.D.T. He then positions Uber Man in front of the corner and starts his climb to the top.
Zybala: Why are people still trusting these ropes?!?!
Dean: There's nothing wrong with them!! Uber Man just had bad balance is all...
Vaughn is on the top looking nervous as hell. He waits until he is absolutely sure he has complete balance and then leaps in the air with a near perfect shooting star!! He arcs it a little extra and shooting star legdrops the Uber Man! He goes for the cover!!!
Mitch: One.....
Two.....
THREE!!!
Zybala: Vaughn's done it! Vaughn's done it! He hits the Plunge and gets the win and maybe some respect!!
Dean: More importantly, that sucka is the Outsider Champion!!
Dean grabs the title and goes in the ring. He helps a stunned Vaughn to his feet and hands him the belt. The Janitor looks shocked!! Mitch grabs the hand not holding the belt and raises it to signify the victory!!
Annie: Here is your winner and the FIRST Outsiders Championship Wrestling World Champion, The Janitor Peter Vaughn!!
The Yardies are on their feet clapping and cheering. There are tears in Vaughn's eyes. This! This is the moment he's been waiting for his whole life. He raises the title with pride. Vaughn is basking in the moment.
LA… LA, LA LA… Wait till I get my money right…”
"Can't Tell Me Nothing" can be heard from down the driveway! The camera turns and we see "The Marvel" Matt Meyhu walking towards the yard followed by his brother Mike who is going a boombox which is playing the Kanye West song. Matt walks up to the ring and enter it. He walks up to Dean and starts whispering in his ear.
Zybala: What tell is this?! Meyhu is a professional not a backyard wrestler! What is doing here?!?
Meyhu reaches into pocket and hands Dean what looks like a check and a piece of paper and hands them to Dean. Dean looks at them and his eyes go wide. He calls Mitch and Annie over and shows them the check. They are stunned. He whispers to both of them and Dean and Annie leave the ring. Meyhu is looking at a very confused Vaughn. Dean rings the cow bell and Meyhu blasts Vaughn with a M-100 superkick!! The crowd boos louder!
Zybala: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?!?
Meyhu then picks up the OCW title and raises it over his head as he puts one foot one Vaughn's chest.
Mitch: One...two...three!!
Annie: You're winner and new OCW champ, Matt Meyhu!
Meyhu gloats with the belt as his music still plays from the boombox as the crowd boos even louder. We can see Zybala getting into a screaming match with Dean and Annie as the camera cuts out.