Popeyes? Chick Fil A? Forget them - Biff's Cannibal Sandwich
Aug 27, 2019 23:51:48 GMT -6
Deana Barrows and Dylan Thomas like this
Post by The Big Bifford on Aug 27, 2019 23:51:48 GMT -6
Kenny: So.. when you say you want to attack these targets, Bifford, what exactly are we talking about?
Bifford: Kenny, haven’t you been following the news? There is a war going on right now in the United States - a civil war, one might say. There are forces from the north and forces from the south and everything is about to come to a seriously violent confrontation..
Kenny: Are you talking about Democrats and Republicans? Because they usually just waste billions of dollars and then hold an election?
Bifford: No, Kenny, nobody cares about politics.. I’m talking about THE CHICKEN SANDWICH WAR. You see, the Chick Fil A and Popeyes have been competing against one another to decide who has the best chicken sandwich.
Kenny: And we care about this why?
Earl: There’s money to be made, Kenny.
Kenny: Money? How?
Bifford: There are two CHICKEN SANDWICH WAR outposts near here.. one Chick Fil A and one Popeyes.. We are going to BLOW BOTH RESTAURANTS UP and then open our own chicken sandwich restaurant. I call it Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken.
Looking at Bifford with a horrified look, Kenny starts shaking his head vehemently. People continue walking past the threesome on the busy sidewalk, paying no attention to them.
Kenny: Blow them up? Bifford, people will die.
Bifford: Kenny, people always die when we are involved..
Kenny: Not this many people..
Rolling his eyes, Bifford looks over at Earl.
Bifford: Earl, can you get the explosives and plant them in the restaurants?
Earl: Shouldn’t be a problem, boss.
Bifford: Kenny, if you walk fifteen minutes down this road and go into the Holiday Inn, you can begin the other half of this plan.
Staring at Bifford with no facial expression, the home viewer can tell that Kenny is horrified. If Earl is going to be blowing up restaurants - what sort of horrifying task does Bifford have for his less favored assistant? Kenny just shakes his head a bit, as though saying he doesn’t want to hear the rest.
Bifford: The clerk behind the front desk’s name is Roger. Give Roger $5 or more and he will let you in the back room where my freezers are.. you need to go.. start prepping the meat.
Kenny (grabbing his forehead in pain): Bifford, please tell me it’s not someone you’ve murdered.
Bursting into laughter, Bifford grabs Kenny’s left shoulder and massages it.
Bifford: Kenny, my boy, you need to relax and not be so paranoid. I’m not some killer..
Kenny (relieved sighing): So it’s not human meat in the freezers..
Bifford (laughing): No, it’s definitely human meat.. I just didn’t kill them. They’re the corpses of the homeless..
Kenny (gasping): Oh God.. we’re all going to prison..
Bifford (shaking his head and laughing): Kenny, calm down.. Remember when we installed those GPS trackers into the homeless people back in OCW? Well, we’ve been monitoring their movements. Then when they stop moving, that means they’re dead and we send out the Corpse Collectors..
A horrified groan and some mumbling about “going to prison” escapes from Kenny’s lips as he hears the words Corpse Collectors.
Kenny: Why can’t we just fry chicken, Bifford?
Bifford: Because I’m on a very fixed income and homeless corpses are a lot cheaper than chicken..
Kenny: Then why are you wearing $12,000 pants with real jewels embossed around your knees?
Bifford: I will not apologize for fashion.
The two men just stare at each other as the camera pans out a bit to show that Bifford is in fact wearing pants that appear to be made of gold thread with various large jewels embossed in circles around his knees. He is also, of course, wearing his MAGICAL FLEECE that seems to blow majestically in the wind.
Kenny: Bifford.. I thought going to GCWA we might turn over a new leaf and be.. you know.. good.
Bifford: We’re going to be the best fried chicken sandwich in Tex-
Kenny: Fried human sandwich.
Glaring at Kenny in silence, Bifford raises his hand to his mouth and puts one finger over his lips to shhhh at Kenny.
Bifford: Now you shut up and go down to the hotel, bribe the clerk, gain access to the freezers, prep the meat for the sandwiches and bring it to Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken. The sign is being installed as we speak, so you’ll be able to find it. I’ve arranged for a friend of mine, Boris, to help you. He’s quite familiar with prepping human meat..
Kenny stares at Bifford for a bit too long in silence. Bifford just stares back.
Kenny: Bifford.. I know I shouldn’t ask this.. but how many freaking Eastern European cannibals do you know exactly?
Bifford (whispering): Just the right amount.
Sighing, Kenny turns and begins walking in the direction Bifford told him. Turning, Bifford notices that Earl the Popcorn Salesman is still standing there.
Bifford: Shouldn’t you be setting up explosives and blowing up restaurants?
Earl: Yeah, man, but I might get killed today so I wanted to stay and enjoy Kenny’s reaction when you told him he’d have to butcher more human corpses and that he was going to have to hang out with another cannibal. Money can’t buy entertainment that good.
Letting out a laugh, Bifford nods in agreement. The two men exchange a high five and then Earl heads off in the other direction. Bifford, meanwhile, turns to face the camera.
Bifford: GCWA is reopening.. a new beginning for us all. Some might expect me to go back to my roots and be a man for the fans in GCWA just like I was the first time. I’m not sure I feel a need to be anyone’s favorite - I should be everyone’s favorite because of my skills. Do you know how many times I’ve beaten Lurrr? 3 times.
Smirking as he begins to walk down the street, leaving his table and map there unattended.
Bifford: Lurrr might be a hell of a wrestler - he’s been around forever and his list of accomplishments is no joke. However, when we really look at Lurrr we realize he was always just not good enough to really compete with men like me. I was glad when I eliminated Lurrr in the first round of the tournament to crown a new OCW Champion in 2001. We were ready to move beyond him and get a better champion.. like.. me, The Big Bifford.
Giving a wink to the camera, Bifford walks past a pet store.
Bifford: Lurrr, when I first came to GCWA, one of the first things I did was pin you and become Xtreme Champion. Because I’m extreme and you’re not. Would you ever consider blowing up two major fast food restaurants and opening your own? Of course not, because you’re not epic like me, Lurrr. You’re basic - and basic doesn’t cut it when it comes to being a World Championship. That’s why at Inferno, I’m going to break the tie, go 4-3 over you, and be one step closer to reclaiming what has always been mine: the GCWA World Championship.
As Bifford keeps walking, somewhere in the distance a loud boom is heard. People on the grounded sidewalk turn to look, except Bifford who keeps walking with a smirk on his face as he knows the first target has been successful. The scene slowly fades to darkness.
As the scene fades back to light, we see it is evening and a long line of people are standing along a sidewalk. The camera zooms back to show the outside of Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken, advertised with an obnoxious blinking sign. Under the name, the advertising slogan says “We’re the only sandwiches in town!” Bifford, still wearing his ridiculous $12,000 pants and fleece, steps out of the restaurant. He looks at the crowd and smiles.
Bifford: Who wants some fried chicken?
The crowd roars with excitement.
Bifford (looking into the camera with a smirk): When you’re the only game in town, the people line up to get your sandwich.
Lifting a megaphone to his mouth, Bifford again addresses the crowd.
Bifford: What are you here for?
Crowd: Chicken Sandwiches!
Bifford: Why are you here?
Crowd: You’re the only sandwiches in town!
Lowering the megaphone, Bifford pulls some scissors out from the inside of his MAGICAL FLEECE and walks over to the ribbon that separates the crowd of hungry Texans from his restaurant. He cuts it and the people begin filing inside the restaurant. Kenny steps out of the restaurant and glares at his boss.
Kenny: You didn’t tell me that Boris was a pervert in addition to being a cannibal.. he kept smacking my ass all day long.
Bifford: Beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to finding cannibals, Kenny. I’m sorry I had no idea he was that way.
The door to the restaurant swings open and Earl the Popcorn Salesman walks out and joins them.
Earl: Damn, man it’s crazy in there.. those people are ordering 3 or 4 sandwiches for each person.. I don’t think that’s healthy.
Earl’s expression changes from slight-disgust to a big smile when he sees that Kenny is with Bifford.
Earl: Hey Kenny.. how was your day with the perverted cannibal? Bifford tells me he’s a real spanker!
Glaring at Bifford, Kenny doesn’t respond to Earl.
Earl: And hey, Bifford, do you have a strategy for beating Lurrr? Dude is old, but he’s in better shape than you.
Bifford: I’m big boned.
Kenny: No you’re not.
Bifford: Listen, I’m going to beat Lurrr just like I always do - with The Biff End and a 3 count pinfall..
Kenny: I’m not sure you’ve ever beaten Lurrr that way..
Bifford: Whatever, Kenny. You know that Lurrr lost to Kreller Masters, right? Kreller Masters’s name is on the OCW World Title history because Lurrr isn’t as good as people think he is. Do you see how he is afraid of battling me on the Twitter? That’s because Lurrr is more afraid of me than I am of him..
A bunch of obnoxious looking Texans walk out of the restaurant making loud groans of pleasure as they eat their half-wrapped chicken sandwiches.
Kenny: They’re eating hum-
Bifford: Shut up, Kenny.. They’re enjoying the best chicken sandwiches in Texas. We’re the only sandwiches in town. And truthfully, with The Lost Soul, Ed Houston, Lurrr and I competing over the OCW Championship.. I’m the only man in town.
The scene fades to darkness as people continue passing by the three men, seemingly enjoying their sandwiches far too much.