More twisted than a Duce Jones braid
Jan 22, 2020 2:11:37 GMT -6
Vargas, Duce Jones, and 2 more like this
Post by Uber Man! on Jan 22, 2020 2:11:37 GMT -6
You might be asking yourself one question… Crunchy or puffed?
~The Uber Man, decked in his heroic uniform, stands looking over the city. Specifically, he stands on top of the tree house in his Aunt’s backyard~
Your Cheeto preference tells a lot about you. Some might think it’s a simple question. But it isn’t. There are layers to the question… And I think we all know what kind of Cheeto Duce Jones prefers…
~The Uber Man draws a single Cheeto from his pocket…~
PUFFED! Duce likes PUFFED! Not surprised... Puffed.
~Uber eats the Cheeto. But he eats it to be ironic!~
And now here we are… I’m being pulled away from my duties as the protector of Key West to go fight in the ring with this puffed loving villain. And why? He can’t accept the fact that I was more worthy of a belt than he was.
~He looks into the camera~
Follow me.
----------
~The Uber Man walks through his Aunt’s house. He passes through the living room, and we see his Aunt sleeping on the couch. There’s a half-finished glass of orange juice on the coffee table, and a bottle of Smirnoff nearby~
Aunt April loves her orange juice. It helps her nap better.
~He continues walking down the hall to his bedroom. He flops down on the bed and its Chad Vargas bedsheets. He reaches down and pulls the OCW Tag Title belt from under the bed~
This is what you want, Duce? You want it so bad? Tough!
~Uber drops the belt on the bed and stands up~
You disrespect me with your harsh words! First of all, I live with my AUNT! My mother was killed years ago! The killer left this note!
~Uber holds up the note so the camera can see it…~
You were an accident that made me miserable. I’m giving custody to your aunt. Don’t look for me.
See! Clearly written by her killer to throw me off his scent! And you, Duce, you are no better than her killer! No better than the man who sent me down this path of a hero! And I won’t give you the satisfaction!
~Uber takes the Tag Belt and throws it back under the bed~
I’ve done by internet research… And no one has sanctioned this match! Therefore, I will continue giving the people what they want. And by that, I will not be bringing this belt to the GCWA arena. You don’t deserve it, Duce. You like puffed Cheetos.
~Uber pulls out a bag of crunchy Cheetos, like an American~
You’ll have to go back to Canada before you’ll get that belt. You can even pin me, but you’ll never win the hearts and souls of these beautiful people. And by hearts and souls, I mean that belt. I don’t care how many puffed Cheetos you eat, you’ll never get this belt.
~Uber leans into the camera~
And come this Friday, I will save this world from your puffiness.
