Bifford's College Blood Drive, Cannibal Sandwiches & Sausage
Sept 4, 2019 11:20:49 GMT -6
Deana Barrows likes this
Post by The Big Bifford on Sept 4, 2019 11:20:49 GMT -6
The screen flashes from black to a moment of static before finally changing to be a college campus. The camera pans over the mostly mildly-depressing grounds of the campus before finding an area with trees, grass and life. Students walk about, going through their daily motions. The camera swings to the left where a sign says Letourneau University, with a smaller sign identifying it as being in Longview, Texas.
Passing through the area with students eating lunches on the grass, the camera finds a curious sign that appears to be handwritten. Badly handwritten. The large letters, written with red paint, drip down the white sign as though it was made in a hurry. Students read the sign as they pass, most stopping and joining a line in front of the sign that reads STUDENT BLOOD DRIVE. GIVE BLOOD, GET CHICKEN SANDWICH COUPON.
The camera moves through the line and turns into the area where 6 nurses are taking blood from students on chairs in a grassy area. Also parked in the area is a beaten up old food truck that also has a handwritten sign: BIFFORD’S SANDWICHES OF CHICKEN, MOBILE EDITION. Standing near the food truck (which also has a line) is The Big Bifford, Kenny the Intern, and Earl the Popcorn Salesman. Bifford’s MAGICAL FLEECE majestically blows in the wind of the beautiful early-September day.
Kenny: Okay Bifford.. we did everything you asked. Now we are at a freaking college campus serving your.. your sick and perverse human sandwiches to college students. However, now you need to tell us all about WHY we are running a blood drive.
Earl (rolling his eyes): It’s all about the money, Kenny. You’ve gotta follow the money.
Kenny: What do you mean?
Bifford: Why do we sell people human sandwiches, Kenny? Because we have a free source of meat in the dead homeless. What do we need at our restaurants? A variety of meat.
Kenny just stares at Bifford without saying a word. Bifford stares right back at him. Earl just cracks up laughing.
Earl: Ever heard of blood sausage, Kenny?
His mouth opening in horror as he realizes they’re collecting blood from students to then sell back to them in sausage form, Kenny begins shaking his head.
Kenny: No.. Bifford. This is disgusting. We are taking blood from students and then we’re going to sell it back to them as blood sausage?
Bifford (laughing): No, nothing like that Kenny.
Kenny (sighing in relief): So.. the blood drive isn’t to create human blood sausage..
Bifford (laughing harder): No, it’s definitely for that exact reason. But these students can’t afford our SPECIAL BLOOD SAUSAGE.. that’ll be sold at the more luxurious locations of BIFFORD’S SANDWICHES OF CHICKEN that are soon to open in Texas. That’s a high price item, Kenny. Top quality stuff. We are going to claim it’s made of DELICIOUS VEAL BLOOD.. get it? Because they’re young.
Just staring at Bifford like he is a monster, Kenny is not able to speak. Meanwhile a group of students who have just given blood and then ordered a sandwich walk by moaning in pleasure.
College Student 1: Man this sandwich was expensive but it’s fucking amazing.
College Student 2: Yeah man, this is the best chicken sandwich I’ve ever eaten.
Smiling proudly, Bifford looks to Kenny.
Kenny (getting upset): Bifford, I understand that people like your sandwiches.. but lying to them about what they’re eating, and STEALING THEIR BLOOD TO MAKE SAUSAGES, is just not a moral way to live. And maybe karma is catching up with you - have you ever though of that? Last week you lost to Lurrr.
Bifford: Nothing of the sort happened.
Earl: Dude knocked you out and pinned you.
Bifford: I tripped on a banana peel and..
Earl: And the dude knocked you out and pinned you.
Bifford: I’m going to win the OCW-
Earl: We’re in GCWA now.
Bifford: Like with Ace? No.. we’re in OCW with Dean.. and I’m going to win the tournament and-
Kenny: You already have one loss and I doubt you’re going to make it through this week without another if we keep focusing on cannibalism and capitalism and not on preparing for your opponent.
Bifford just glares at his two assistants in silence for a moment.
Bifford: Fine. Tell me about this Ed Dallas guy.
Kenny (sighing): Houston, Bifford.. Ed Houston.
Earl: He’s a high flyer - fast as hell. He weighs about as much as your left leg. He’s never going to get tired and he’s going to move twenty times faster than you.
Bifford: So my strategy should probably be to give him The Biff End and pin him, right?
Kenny: How are you going to catch him?
Earl: If you do catch him, he’s gonna slide right out of the move. Dude is fast. Like really fast.
Rolling his eyes, Bifford seems to produce a folding chair out of nowhere. He sits on it quickly.
Bifford: Then I’ll just sit on him and that’ll keep him from moving. Did you see how fast I did that?
Earl: Bifford.. man.. Ed is a lot faster than that chair.
Standing up and folding the chair and lifting it to attack Earl, Bifford is interrupted as Kenny begins poking him in the side eagerly.
Kenny (panicking): Uh.. Bifford.. Did you get permission to do this blood drive? Because that dude over there looks like every Angry College Dean from every college comedy movie ever made.
The camera swings around to show an angry looking man in a suit approaching the caravan of the blood drive and chicken food truck operation. The Dean, from the looks of it, is not very happy with the set up. The camera swings back around to show Bifford rolling his eyes with such force that it appears for a moment that his eyes might be stuck that way.
Bifford: Gotta get rid of this guy.. Earl, you go distract him..
Earl takes off running, showing his sudden speed. The thin black man, still dressed as a popcorn vendor though we’ve seen no evidence of him selling popcorn for almost two decades, runs up to the man in the suit and begins having a panicked conversation with him. Meanwhile, however, Bifford looks into the camera.
Bifford: Listen, Ed San Antonio -
Kenny (sighing): His last name is Houston.
Bifford (rolling his eyes at Kenny): Ed Amarillo, this Friday night on Inferno, you stand in my way. When we were in OCW I let you be - I didn’t come after you or challenge you to a match. Why? Because you’re a tiny little man and I’m a large man. I didn’t want to embarrass you. However, now you stand in my way. In a wrestling company with the likes of Dangerous Dan, Lurrr, The Lost Soul, and Derek the Mobley, it’s obvious that The Big Bifford is the one who belongs at the top. We don’t want a GCWA World Champion that weighs under 200lbs. We want a champion that looks like a champion - one that can go to the non-wrestling events and look like a wrestler. You just look like White Urkel.
Kenny (turning to look at Bifford with apprehension): Did you just reference a television show that debuted 30 years ago and ended 22 years ago?
Bifford (turning to look at Kenny with apprehension also): Do you know the years the Family Matters aired off the top of your head?
The two men glare at each other. Bifford finally breaks the glare and looks back to the camera.
Bifford: So Ed Fort Worth, when we meet in the ring at Inferno, I’m not just going for the win.. I’m going to try to make you bleed - just like I’ve made all of these students bleed.
The camera pans to show an incredibly long line of students waiting to give blood and get $1 off a chicken sandwich. It also shows that Earl is still distracting the Dean, however the two men are slowly getting closer.
Bifford: These students are bleeding for the greater good, Ed Lubbock, but you will bleed for the greatest good. Your blood will signify that I am one step closer to my destiny as GCWA Champion..
Kenny: Well, at least you got the company name right this time.
Bifford glares at Kenny as the commotion of Earl and the Dean can be heard.
Earl (trying to distract him): I need to hear more about your tuition rates and find out more information..
Mason: I told you to go to the registrar and they will help you. Who is in charge of this blood drive operation?
The Dean, who is actually the provost of students, looks at Kenny and Bifford and then shifts his attention to Bifford - likely because of the fleece.
Bifford: My name is Bifford.. and this is my food truck..
Mason: And the blood drive? My name is Dr. Steve Mason and I’m here to find out who gave you permission to do any of this..
Bifford (using his most charming smile): Oh, I’ve got the permits over here, please come with me..
Leading the angry looking Provost behind the food truck, Kenny and Earl look at one another.
Kenny: Fake Blood drives? Cannibal Sandwiches? Cannibal Sausages? How could you let him do this sort of thing?
Earl: You know he’s gonna kill that Provost guy right?
Sighing audibly, Kenny buries his face in his hands for a moment. Less than a minute after leaving, Bifford comes walking back out from behind the food truck alone.
Bifford: Kenny, I have a task for you.
Earl begins laughing hysterically.
Kenny: Bifford. No-
Bifford: Kenny, go behind the food truck and meet Boris the Russian Cannibal. He will assist you in preparing some more meat for the sandwiches.
Kenny: No! That guy is a pervert! He kept smacking my ass last week.
Bifford: Would you rather prepare the meat for the sandwiches alone?
Kenny: .. no.
Bifford motions for Kenny to go and he does, slowly and sadly walking behind the food truck.
Earl: You know in most college movies the protagonists trick the Provost and prank him.. it’s not usually just a quick murder behind a food truck.
Bifford: Well this isn’t a college movie, this is real life. In real life you deal with situations quickly, and that’s why this Friday Ed Waco is going to understand why I was the second-to-last GCWA World Champion. He will understand why my piledriver is THE premier finisher in GCWA. I might have used a simple knife to murder the Provost, but this Friday at Inferno I’m going to use everything available to me to make sure that Ed El Paso makes it no further in this tournament.
Two college girls walk by eating “chicken” sandwiches, and looking at each other with excitement.
Becky: Oh my God this sandwich is amazing.. this is like what rich people eat.
Kelly: This blood drive is like the best thing to ever happen to me.
Bifford (smirking): People love my chicken sandwiches, Ed Houston.. but you aren’t going to love my Daily Special on Friday: the Biff End. Good luck, Ed. You’re going to need it.
The scene fades to darkness.