Post by rumormill on Mar 26, 2020 9:03:05 GMT -6
Despite our chief editor, Mike Zybala, being away as his gets clean, we here at the Rumor Mill are still going to bring you the message from the stars you all crave
Aries: March 21 - April 19[/i][/b]
Get better soon bud. Though, how does one get addicted to chloroform??
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Congratulations Taurus! With the Coronavirus Quarantine going on, you made use of your new found free time. You have officially watched all of the incest porn the internet has to offer, even the Dark Web shit! Sadly, all of this "research" will not allow you to write the best incest movie ever. The stars say your script will flop, and you'll end up jacking it on a corner in San Francisco. Long story short, stick with your day job.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
The Quarantine will be over just in time for your birthday, Gemini. Unfortunately, like always, everyone is going to forget.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Cancer, I know you're bored with the quarantine, but hacking into other people's computers isn't the way to pass time. Trying to convince people that you're Skynet will only lead to trouble.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
This quarantine is going to be the best thing ever for you, Leo. Being locked up is going to help you finish that book you're working on. THIS is the one! This will put you at the number one spot on The New York Times best seller list AND the Oprah endorsement! Focus on the book and nothing else! Friends? Fuck 'em! Family? You'll see them at Christmas. A significant other? Ain't nobody got time for that! The book is all that matters.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You are one vain sonofabitch, Virgo. Declaring yourself the winner of the Sexiest Man Alive contest with no other competitors is just dumb. There is no basis for comparison. The stars say that if you keep up this attitude, people are going to take you as serious as a Flat Earther.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Saying that you're the best dad this side of Goku isn't really inspiring confidence in your parenting ability, Libra. Keep talking like that and I predict that CPS will be called on you for child endangerment/abandonment.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Scorpio, I hate to tell you this, but you are not the "fun boss." Your suggestions of "Dress up Fridays" and "Pizza Party Saturday" in lieu of paying overtime suck. Keep it up and the stars say your tires will be slashed….again.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Quit mentioning you know who before Andy actually hires her. Then we'd all be fucked. Don't be the cause, Sagittarius.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Listen carefully Capricorn. The new guy the company sends over isn't who you think he is.
He may seem cool at first, but that's to get you to lower your guard. He will smother you in your sleep! He thinks he's a Terminator and his mission is to kill you! Get out Now!! Tell your parents to come with you! I left you 1000£, some fake passports, and some guns "you know where." Goodluck and God's Speed!
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Aquarius, you are a wonderful person and a true joy to be around. None of your coworkers will ever know however, what with you being labelled as the office racist for not holding the elevator for Deshaun. I know you didn't see him, but that's how office life is.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20[/i][/u]
Pisces, quit being insane! You're not from the future and Capricorn isn't John Conner! Get some help from a professional! Somebody is going to get hurt.
Aries: March 21 - April 19[/i][/b]
Get better soon bud. Though, how does one get addicted to chloroform??
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Congratulations Taurus! With the Coronavirus Quarantine going on, you made use of your new found free time. You have officially watched all of the incest porn the internet has to offer, even the Dark Web shit! Sadly, all of this "research" will not allow you to write the best incest movie ever. The stars say your script will flop, and you'll end up jacking it on a corner in San Francisco. Long story short, stick with your day job.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
The Quarantine will be over just in time for your birthday, Gemini. Unfortunately, like always, everyone is going to forget.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Cancer, I know you're bored with the quarantine, but hacking into other people's computers isn't the way to pass time. Trying to convince people that you're Skynet will only lead to trouble.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
This quarantine is going to be the best thing ever for you, Leo. Being locked up is going to help you finish that book you're working on. THIS is the one! This will put you at the number one spot on The New York Times best seller list AND the Oprah endorsement! Focus on the book and nothing else! Friends? Fuck 'em! Family? You'll see them at Christmas. A significant other? Ain't nobody got time for that! The book is all that matters.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You are one vain sonofabitch, Virgo. Declaring yourself the winner of the Sexiest Man Alive contest with no other competitors is just dumb. There is no basis for comparison. The stars say that if you keep up this attitude, people are going to take you as serious as a Flat Earther.
Libra: September 23 - October 22
Saying that you're the best dad this side of Goku isn't really inspiring confidence in your parenting ability, Libra. Keep talking like that and I predict that CPS will be called on you for child endangerment/abandonment.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
Scorpio, I hate to tell you this, but you are not the "fun boss." Your suggestions of "Dress up Fridays" and "Pizza Party Saturday" in lieu of paying overtime suck. Keep it up and the stars say your tires will be slashed….again.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
Quit mentioning you know who before Andy actually hires her. Then we'd all be fucked. Don't be the cause, Sagittarius.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Listen carefully Capricorn. The new guy the company sends over isn't who you think he is.
He may seem cool at first, but that's to get you to lower your guard. He will smother you in your sleep! He thinks he's a Terminator and his mission is to kill you! Get out Now!! Tell your parents to come with you! I left you 1000£, some fake passports, and some guns "you know where." Goodluck and God's Speed!
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Aquarius, you are a wonderful person and a true joy to be around. None of your coworkers will ever know however, what with you being labelled as the office racist for not holding the elevator for Deshaun. I know you didn't see him, but that's how office life is.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20[/i][/u]
Pisces, quit being insane! You're not from the future and Capricorn isn't John Conner! Get some help from a professional! Somebody is going to get hurt.
