Windmills, Health Inspectors, Murder, Cannibalism in Lubbock
Sept 11, 2019 0:55:20 GMT -6
Deana Barrows likes this
Post by The Big Bifford on Sept 11, 2019 0:55:20 GMT -6
The screen flashes from darkness to a moment of static before coming back to a large field. The camera, obviously being shot from a helicopter or something, pans over the top of the field - showing off what appears to over seventy windmills. The windmills slowly move in the wind, like an old man trying to get up from his chair. It appears there isn’t much wind, but just enough to make the windmills appear to be trying to do something. A large museum stands in the distance. Text at the bottom of the screen reads AMERICAN WINDMILL MUSEUM, LUBBOCK TEXAS. Fading to darkness, the scene opens back up to The Big Bifford and his two lackeys Earl the Popcorn Salesman and Kenny the Intern standing in the field we previously saw with the windmills. Behind them is a massive structure - at least 20 feet tall - covered with a massive fabric curtain. The camera pans out to show that there is a large crowd - 50 to 60 people - crowded around the men and the structure, watching and waiting.
The Big Bifford (speaking loudly to the crowd): I thank you all for being here today! We will start in a moment!
Glancing to his left, Bifford gives Earl a dirty look, before turning to look at Kenny.
Bifford (whispering loudly): Kenny, why do all of these people look like fucking weirdos? Is Lubbuck some sort of inbred hole in the wall?
Kenny (whispering back): Bifford, we are at a windmill museum.. THESE are the sorts of people that are at a windmill museum at 2pm on a weekday.
Earl: These people ain’t right..
Clearing his throat, Bifford puts back on a smile and looks to the crowd of people. The crowd does look rather odd - some older folks, and some younger folks who clearly lack social skills. A guy in a red t-shirt looks especially nervous, glancing around the crowd with paranoia.
Bifford (speaking to the crowd again): Ladies and gentlemen, I have been a big supporter of the American Windmill Museum here in Lubbock for many years!
Kenny (whispering): You’d never heard of this place before yesterday.
Bifford (whispering back): Shut the fuck up.
The crowd politely claps for Bifford’s claim of supporting the museum.
Bifford (addressing the crowd): And today I show my appreciation and my love for this Texas institution..
Coughing and then whispering, “these people belong in an institution,” under his breath, Bifford continues:
Bifford: Today I show that appreciation and love by opening my eleventh franchise of Bifford’s Sandwiches of Chicken right here in this field!
Tugging at the giant curtain that is covering the structure, Bifford pulls the cloth off and a rickety building that looks like it was built in a huge hurry by unskilled laborers is standing there in the field. The hand written sign above the ordering-window says BIFFORD’S SANDWICHES OF CHICKEN. The crowd of people go wild clapping when the chicken restaurant is unveiled.
Bifford (addressing the crowd): These sandwiches, the only ones available here at the museum, are my gift to the wonderful city of Lubbock and all of the windmill enthusiasts who travel here! So for the next week all sandwiches are 50 cents off!
Clapping and cheering is heard as the crowd begins to form a line to go up to the window and order. Bifford just openly rolls his eyes at the crowd and walks a safe distance away with his two lackeys.
Earl: Really, Biff? A windmill museum? Why would we open a cannibal chicken shop here?
Bifford: Market research said this was the only place in Lubbock where there’s a need for food and none present. Plus look at these fucking weirdos.. they’re all gonna go order two sandwiches each and eat them - this place will succeed.
Kenny: Yeah, but do you have a plan for your wrestling match this week? Or are we just focusing on feeding people dead bodies butchered to look like chicken breasts?
Bifford (rolling his eyes): Kenny, I have a plan every match.. I give my opponent The Biff End and then I pin them. The Lost Soul and I have a complicated relationship.. we’ve partnered, we’ve fought one another, I’ve beaten him three times. He was my first challenger when I was GCWA Champion. I have his soul. I mean - we are both BFFs and mortal enemies all in one. So yeah, I have a plan for Friday. It’s called kick the shit out of The Lost Soul and pin him like I usually do.
Earl: He’s already lost two matches in the tournament.. He really has nothing to fight for. He can’t win.
Kenny: Yeah, but he can keep Bifford from having a chance.. which might be all he cares about.
Bifford (rolling his eyes again): Listen.. the thing about The Lost Soul is that I HAVE HIS SOUL. He can’t beat me as long as I am THE MASTER OF THE SOUL!
Reaching into THE MAGICAL FLEECE, Bifford produces a small glass vial that is full of toilet bowl cleaner. He shakes it up and swishes the liquid around for all to see.
Bifford: That’s the soul he lost..
Earl (watching): Biff, man, you’re a weird cat.
Glaring at Earl, Bifford suddenly turns his attention as two men in cheap suits walk up to him and his associates. Both Kenny and Earl suddenly stand up straight, feeling like they should look official.
Inspector: Hello, Mr. Bronson.. I was told you’d be here. My name is Raymond Smith and this is Timothy McDaniel - we’re inspectors with the Texas Department of State Health Services. We’ve somehow missed you at your other 10 restaurants where we’ve already conducted our inspections, but all of them have passed with flying colors.
Earl bursts out laughing as he realizes these two men have inspected 10 restaurants serving human flesh and haven’t realized it yet. Bifford glares at Earl with anger while Kenny looks on sheepishly.
Inspector: We’d just like to take a look at this one when it’s convenient..
Bifford (putting on his best fake smile): Oh, of course, inspector.. If we could just wait a few minutes while my employees get these hungry people fed, I’d be most pleased to give you a tour myself.
Earl (laughing and walking over to Kenny, whispering): Better get ready to go meet Boris behind the windmill..
Hearing his employee whisper, Bifford glares at him a moment before looking back to the inspectors.
Bifford: So you said you’ve inspected my other 10 locations.. did you happen to get a meal at any of them?
Raymond and Timothy share a guilty look and then laugh.
Inspector: I’ve gotta be honest, we’ve eaten at every single one and the food is just amazing across the board.
Inspector II: I’ve got to be honest, I’ve never tasted chicken so delicious. You must have one hell of a farm and butchering operation..
Bifford (smiling proudly): You better believe it.. Kenny here is actually in charge of that department.
Bifford reaches up and pats Kenny on the shoulder. Kenny just stares at the two health inspectors, unable to speak.
Bifford: Now you two.. have you two ever been here to the museum? There is some amazing stuff. When I first looked around, I knew this had to be the location of lucky franchise #11.
Inspector: I have but that was quite some time ago..
Inspector II: I do love windmills..
Bifford: Let me show you the most amazing thing I’ve found since I’ve been coming here..
Motioning for the two men to follow him, Bifford looks at his lackeys and whispers, “keep an eye on the crowd,” as he walks away with the health inspectors.
Earl (laughing): Kenny.. my boy… you know he’s gonna come back alone and tell you to go butcher the corpses, right?
Kenny (staring with hatred at Earl): He could just be.. showing them.. windmills.. okay, even I don’t believe that. Why on earth do we work for this horrible serial killer?
Earl: Isn’t there some sort of crazy story where he owns your aunt and uncle’s house and will evict them if you ever stop working for him? And you don’t want your aunt and uncle freezing at the side of the road, so you agree to work for a madman and butcher corpses. That sounds like it.
Kenny (sighing): Yeah. That sounds exactly like it.
The crowd of people, many of them still in line and some of them lining up to order more food after finishing some, seems to be thoroughly enjoying the product. Kenny and Earl watch them eating the “chicken.” Both men look pretty uncomfortable watching it. Minutes pass as the two men stand in silence watching people eating human sandwiches. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, The Big Bifford appears in their midst along with a really creepy looking guy.
Bifford: Hey guys.. Kenny, you remember Boris the Cannibal.
The creepy looking guy, presumably Boris, reaches and smacks Kenny’s backside. Kenny jumps and flinches, turning white with terror, while Earl bursts into laughter. Bifford, hearing Earl’s laughter, gives him a dirty look.
Bifford: Kenny, go with Boris.. he will show you where my favorite windmills are. Inside them, you’ll find.. things that need to be taken care of. Butcher the corpses and make more chicken for the sandwiches.
Kenny (shaking his head): Bifford.. I can’t.. I won’t.. I mustn’t.
Bifford (staring at Kenny with no expression): Kenny, either go butcher the chicken, or I’ll take you and show you my favorite windmill just like I did the inspectors.
Without saying a word, Kenny begins walking out of the scene with Boris. Bifford, meanwhile, looks right over at the camera and offers a polite smile.
Bifford: My assistants sometimes forget that my hand is the hand that feeds them.. my hand is also the hand that packs quite a punch. Since my debut in the world of wrestling 19 years ago, I’ve done a lot of things.. I’ve won championships, I’ve won tournaments, and I’ve kicked a lot of men’s asses. The Lost Soul, on Friday I’m going to remind you why I have three previous victories over you. Hint - it’s because I’m better than you.
Bifford gives a wink to the camera.
Bifford: But beyond that, TLS, it’s because I’m the best there’s ever been in GCWA. Derek the Mobley might want to claim that, Lurrr might want to claim that.. but the truth is that two weeks ago, I had a bad week. I lost. But last week I showed the world who Bifford is. This week, I plan to show the world I’m good at finding lost things..
Pulling out the vial of toilet cleaner, Bifford looks at the liquid.
Bifford: When I find you, my lost friend, I will piledrive you. I will pin you. And I’ll hope Lurrr slips on a banana peel and loses - and then I’ll walk out of Lubbock with what’s always been mine.. the GCWA title. Derek the Mobley was just holding on to what I lost. Now it’s time I find it again.
Bifford crushes the glass vial in his hand as the scene fades to darkness.